by Adele Abbott
“Technically, I suppose it is. But I’ve always done it. Where do you think all of those things came from that you looked at the other day?”
“Do you mean to tell me the perfume that you gave me as a gift had been stolen?”
“Yes, everything in that room is stolen.”
“Why do you do it?”
“I don’t know; it’s something I started doing when I was a kid. It’s like a hobby.”
“No, it’s not a hobby! Collecting stamps or coins or even seashells is a hobby. This is a criminal offence.”
“I think you’re overreacting. Although I say it myself, I am pretty good at this. If there’s something you’d like, maybe you could let me know, and I could get it for you?”
Unbelievable. I was simply too stunned to continue the conversation.
***
I could hear them as soon as I stepped into the building. Mr Ivers and his new girlfriend were arguing in the middle of the corridor, and there was no way to avoid them.
“You’re wrong, Wendy,” Mr Ivers said.
“I don’t think so!”
“I think you’ll find I’m right.”
“I’ve had enough of this.” Wendy cast a spell to freeze Mr Ivers to the spot. I couldn’t believe my eyes. Only then did Wendy look around and realise that I was there.
“Hello, Jill.” She acted as though nothing had happened.
“What have you done?”
“It’s Monty. He’s been driving me mad. He thinks he knows everything there is to know about movies. I told him it wasn’t Dirk Masters who starred in the sequel to The Longest Walk, but he wouldn’t listen.”
“So you froze him?”
“You know what he’s like. I couldn’t shut him up. It was the only way.”
“Have you forgotten where you are?”
“What do you mean?” She looked around, a little confused.
“I mean you’re not in Candlefield. This is the human world. This is Washbridge.”
She shrugged.
“Didn’t the girls at Love Spell explain to you how things had to work when you’re in a relationship with a human?”
“They might have mentioned something, but I wasn’t really listening.”
“You can’t use magic openly in the human world.”
“No one saw me.”
“Yes they did—I did!”
“Yeah, but you’re a witch.”
“I could have been anyone. You didn’t know who was nearby.”
“I suppose you’re right. Sorry.”
“When you reverse the spell, Mr Ivers is going to wonder what happened.”
“It doesn’t matter anyway.”
“What do you mean it doesn’t matter?”
“I’ve had enough of him. I love movies, and I could talk about them all day, but only with somebody who’s at least a tiny bit interesting. He’s such a bore. How do you put up with having him as a neighbour?”
It was a good question, and one I’d asked myself many times.
“I’m not sure I’m cut out to live in the human world. Humans are all so boring. They don’t do anything, do they? They just go to work and watch TV. They can’t even do magic. I really love magic.”
“Maybe finding a human partner wasn’t such a good idea.”
“I think you’re right. I need to find myself a good-looking wizard or vampire, or maybe a werewolf. Do you know of any here in Washbridge?”
“Me? No. I’m the last person to ask. My love life’s a disaster.”
“Ah, well. Never mind. I guess I’ll get back to Candlefield.”
“What about Mr Ivers?”
“He can stay like that. It’ll wear off in a while.”
“But, Wendy—”
“See you around, Jill.”
“Wendy—”
“Bye.”
With that, she was gone, leaving me with a frozen Mr Ivers. She was right; the spell would eventually wear off, but I couldn’t just leave him in the middle of the corridor. He was in the way and besides, what would Luther or Betty think if they saw him standing there like a statue? I’d just have to reverse the spell myself. It was never easy reversing another witch’s spell, but I was pretty sure I could do it.
I focused my attention on Mr Ivers, and attempted the reversal. Luckily it worked first time. He came back to life, blinked a few times and then looked around.
“Where’s Wendy?”
“She’s gone, I’m afraid.”
“Gone? Gone where?”
“She said I should tell you that it wasn’t working out, and that she was sorry—and that it was her not you.” How many times had I heard that one? “But she’ll see you around, perhaps.” Or perhaps not.
Mr Ivers looked completely devastated.
“I know we’d argued, but I didn’t think she would just walk out on me like that.”
“She seemed a little impulsive.”
“Maybe it’s for the best.” He sighed. “She was a nice girl, but I’m not sure we were compatible. Not like you and I.”
“Sorry?”
“You and I have so much in common. We seemed to hit it off right from the start. Perhaps we could—”
“Sorry, Mr Ivers, I’m seeing someone at the moment. Look, I have to go. Maybe you should go back to Love Spell. They’ll probably find someone else for you.”
“I suppose so, but if you ever change your mind, you know where I am.”
Never going to happen.
Chapter 13
After much arm-twisting, I’d agreed to work undercover, front-of-house, in Cuppy C. Today was the day that the judges were expected. Before the shop opened, the twins got all the staff together for a last minute pep talk, or as they insisted on calling it: a team brief.
“Listen up, everyone,” Amber said. “You all know how important this is to Cuppy C. If we win, it will bring us a lot more trade, and that will be good for all of us.”
“Yes,” Pearl said. “If we win, you will all get a pay rise.”
Amber looked shocked; it was obviously the first she’d heard of this. “What Pearl means is that we’ll certainly consider a pay rise.”
“Yeah, that’s what I meant,” Pearl back-pedalled. “Anyway, does everyone know what they’re meant to be doing?”
We all nodded.
“Jill, you mustn’t come behind the counter this weekend under any circumstances.”
“Yes, yes. I get the picture. Jill is useless behind the counter.”
“We didn’t say you were useless,” Amber said.
“Even if we thought it.” Pearl laughed.
“Gee, thanks. I’m so glad I came today.”
“We’re only kidding. You’re not that bad; it’s just that we can’t afford any mistakes today. Any other time it wouldn’t matter if you spilled coffee or gave somebody too many shots or—”
“Now you’re exaggerating.”
“Your job is to keep an eye out for the judges. Once you see them arrive, let Amber or me know where they’re sitting. We’ll make sure that everyone else knows, and then we’ll treat them like royalty. Got it?”
Everyone nodded again. I still didn’t think it was a good idea. In my opinion they should have given everyone the same level of service. But what did I know?
The twins had taken Barry to Aunt Lucy’s, so as I had a few minutes before we opened, I thought I’d check in on Hamlet.
I found him in his cage, rocking back and forth on his wheel while reading a book.
“Hi, Hamlet.”
“Hello Jill, how are you?”
“I’m fine thanks. I just wanted to thank you for being so nice to Barry.”
“That’s okay. No problem at all.”
“He tells me you’ve been reading bedtime stories to him.”
“Yes. The subject matter is woefully boring, but it’s a small price to pay for peace and quiet. Otherwise he would spend all night telling me over and over again about the things he likes.”
“
Let me guess: walking and eating?”
“Yes, you’ve more or less covered it there. Although recently he has mentioned a lady friend.”
“How are things with you? How’s the reading club going?”
“Very well, thanks. We’ve had some lively discussions and debates, but there is one slight problem.”
“What’s that?”
“It’s the old story: access to books. There’s no easy way for me to get to the rodent library because there are a lot of predators around these parts. Cats and the like. I don’t want to risk life and limb to get a book.”
“Is there anything I can do to help?”
“I don’t want to put you to the trouble of going to the library every week. You’re a busy person; I’m sure you have better things to do. There is something you could do though.”
“What’s that?”
“One solution might be to get one of those new-fangled e-readers.”
“Surely there’s no internet in Candlefield?”
“That’s true, but I can download the books from RodentNet.”
“What’s that?”
“I’m afraid it’s rather too complicated for a non-rodent to understand.”
“Wouldn’t an e-reader be too large to fit into your cage? How would you manage?”
“There’s a rodent edition e-reader. I believe they’re quite expensive. Maybe you could see what sort of cost is involved, and whether or not it would be practical?”
“I’ll look into it.”
As the day wore on, I began to warm to my undercover role. I quickly realised that the best way to remain inconspicuous was to ensure that I always had something to eat and drink in front of me. And it didn’t cost me a penny. Every time I went back to the counter, Amber and Pearl gave me a look, but I ignored them.
“Another blueberry muffin, please.”
“There are no blueberry muffins left,” Amber said. “Someone has eaten them all.”
“All of them? There were three left last time I looked. I haven’t eaten three, have I?”
“No, Jill. The man over there had one. But you’ve eaten the other two.”
“In that case, I’ll have a slice of carrot cake. A small one.”
“There you go.” Pearl banged the plate down on the counter.
Ungrateful, if you ask me. There I was, working my backside off, and that was all the thanks I got.
Just before midday, I noticed a couple come into the tea room. The man was dressed in a smart pinstriped suit; the woman was also wearing a smart business suit. They looked around, and I realised that there were no empty tables. Oh, no! This was a disaster! If the judges couldn’t even get seated, what chance did we have of winning? I spotted a young couple at a window seat. They’d been nursing the same milkshakes for the last three quarters of an hour.
“Have you finished with these?” Before they could answer, I’d snatched their glasses away. “Thank you for your custom.”
They both mumbled something as I ushered them to the door. Then I caught the eye of the smartly dressed couple.
“There’s a table over here.”
The man nodded his thanks, and I made my way surreptitiously around the back of the counter.
“Psst! Amber!”
“What is it?”
“The judges are here. They’ve taken the window table over there. The man at the counter in the suit; he’s one of them.”
Amber gave me the thumbs up, and then she whispered something to Pearl, who in turn passed it on to the other staff members.
The twins pandered to the judges from the moment they sat down until the moment they left. They were given refills without asking, and were even offered a free cupcake. I still wasn’t convinced this was a good idea. I’d overheard one of the other customers say, “How come they get a refill?”
When the judges had left, Amber and Pearl said that I’d done a good job, and that the first prize was in the bag.
Go me!
***
Why on earth had I promised Hamlet that I’d try and get him a rodent edition e-reader. And where was I even meant to find one? I grabbed the Candlefield Pages, with little hope that I’d find anything, but sure enough, there under R for Rodent, was a section for rodent supplies. And the largest advert under that section was a shop called ‘Everything Rodent’.
The address was just south of the park where I often took Barry. It was a nice day, so I took a walk over there. The sign outside the shop was purple, and very large. The window was full of everything a rodent could wish for: miniaturised electronics, books, exercise equipment, and furniture. I took a deep breath and went inside. The man who greeted me introduced himself as Bill Ratman.
“Bill? Short for William?” I said.
“No, actually it’s short for Ger-bill.” He laughed. “Only kidding. Yes, I’m William, Bill to my friends. How can I help you, today?”
“I’ve recently bought a hamster for my dog, Barry.”
“Good idea. Dogs make very good owners.”
“Well, it seems that Hamlet, that’s the hamster, is something of a reader.”
“Most of them are. A lot of them join book clubs.”
“Hamlet’s just started his own.”
“That doesn’t surprise me.”
“He’s asked me to look into the possibility of getting a rodent edition e-reader.”
“We have quite a selection. Over there, on the far wall.”
“Is it okay if I take a look?”
“Sure—help yourself.”
The shop had an extensive selection of rodent edition TVs, iPods, and all manner of electronics. There were five e-readers in total. They looked just the ticket, but then I spotted the prices. I couldn’t believe it. The cheapest one was three times the price of an e-reader in the human world. I’d already spent a small fortune on the hamster; I wasn’t going to spend that kind of money on an e-reader.
“Did you see anything you liked?” Bill shouted, as I made my way to the door.
“They’re a little too expensive, I’m afraid. I’ll leave it for now.”
“Okay, well you know where I am.”
Sorry, Hamlet, you look like sticking with conventional paperbacks.
***
Back in Washbridge, Winky was at my desk again.
“What have I told you about using my computer?”
“Hush woman, I’m busy.”
“So am I. I’ve got cases to solve.”
“No you haven’t. Look, I need your opinion on something.”
“You want my opinion? What exactly are you doing?” I tried to look over his shoulder.
“Do you remember I told you that I’d licensed the mini-Winky to a large company?”
“Yes, how’s that going?”
“Very well. In fact, so well that they’ve now decided to sell a range of clothing for the doll, and they’ve asked me to come up with a few suggestions. So, I’m just playing around with a few ideas, and I wondered what you thought of them.”
“Go on, then. Let’s have a look.”
“The first one is a tennis player’s outfit. I think the shorts suit me, don’t you?”
He had the photo of the mini-Winky on screen, and he’d somehow managed to superimpose a white tennis outfit onto it.
“Err—it doesn’t really flatter your legs, does it?”
“What’s wrong with my legs?”
“They’re a bit on the fat side.”
“I don’t have fat legs!” He glanced down at them. “They’re in perfect proportion to my body.”
“Yeah, but then you’ve got a fat body as well.”
“Cheek! Anyway, what do you think of the outfit?”
“It’s okay, but it’s not really you, is it?”
“How do you mean?”
“When was the last time you played tennis?”
“I’ve never played.”
“Exactly.”
“I think you’re missing the point. This is all about mercha
ndising. Take a look at the next one.”
“What are you meant to be there exactly?” This time the mini-Winky was wearing a sparkly jacket and sparkly trousers, and was holding a microphone.
“That’s me as a pop star, obviously.”
“Can you actually sing?”
“Once again, Jill, you’re missing the point. Just focus on the outfit.”
“The pink jacket does match the eye patch rather nicely.”
“That’s what I thought.”
“I’m not sure about the yellow trousers, though.”
“Do you think they should be pink to go with the jacket? Or maybe purple?”
“Purple, yes, that could work.”
“Good feedback.” He flicked to the next image.
“Where is the mini-Winky?” I stared at the screen.
“It’s right there. Are you blind?”
“Oh, sorry. I couldn’t see it because of the camouflage.”
“You’re so funny.” He sighed. “Have you ever thought of doing stand-up?”
“I have actually.”
“Don’t bother.”
“So, what exactly is that meant to be? Army?”
“Special Forces, obviously.”
“That would explain the gun and the knife. Aren’t you a little out of shape to be Special Forces?”
“How many times do I have to tell you? It’s all about the merchandising.”
“But surely the outfits you wear have to be at least a little bit credible?”
“What would you suggest then?”
“Gangster, maybe. Or ballerina?”
“I should have known better than to expect you to take this seriously.”
Chapter 14
Mrs V came into my office and closed the door behind her. She looked rather confused.
“Is something the matter, Mrs V?”
“There’s a very strange young man out there.”
“Strange how?”
“In the way he’s dressed. He appears to be wearing some kind of catsuit—it’s rather ill-fitting, if you ask me. His name is Blaze.”
“It’s okay. I know him.”
“And is that really his name?”
“It’s more of a nickname, I suppose. But that’s what everyone calls him.”
