I’ve made concessions too. I micromanage him less, even when I come out in the morning and he’s serving the kids unshaken orange juice. I’ve figured out that, like them, he craves autonomy. If that means a glass full of pulp for me, so be it. I no longer ask what he’s thinking about. I’ve learned to cultivate – and appreciate – having some mystery in our marriage.
Last summer, we went back to the seaside town where I first noticed all those French children eating happily in restaurants. This time, instead of having one child, we have three. And instead of trying to manage in a hotel, we wisely rent a house with a kitchen.
One afternoon, we take the kids out for lunch at a restaurant near the port. It’s one of those idyllic French summer days, when the whitewashed buildings glow in the midday sun. All five of us are able to enjoy it. We order our food calmly, and in courses. Everyone stays in their seats and enjoys their food – including some fish and vegetables. Nothing lands on the floor, and there’s no shouting. It isn’t as relaxing as dining out alone with Simon. But it really does feel like we’re on holiday. We even have coffee at the end of the meal.
Glossary of French Parenting Terms
Attend (ah-tahn) – Wait, stop. A command that a French parent says to a child. ‘Wait’ implies that the child doesn’t require immediate gratification, and that he can entertain himself for a few seconds or minutes.
Au revoir – Goodbye. What a French child must say when he leaves the company of a familiar adult. It’s one of the four French ‘magic words’ for kids. See bonjour.
Autonomie – Autonomy. The blend of independence and self-reliance that French parents encourage in their children from an early age.
Bêtise (beh-teeze) – A small act of naughtiness. Labelling an offence a mere bêtise helps parents respond to it with moderation.
Bonjour – Hello. What a child must say when he encounters a familiar adult.
Caca boudin (caca booh-dah) – Literally, ‘caca sausage’. A curse word used almost exclusively by French preschoolers.
Cadre (kah-druh) – Frame or framework. A visual image that describes the French parenting ideal: setting firm limits for children, but giving them tremendous freedom within those limits.
Caprice (kah-preese) – A child’s impulsive whim, fancy or demand, often accompanied by whining or tears. French parents believe it is damaging to accede to caprices.
Classe verte – Green class. An annual class trip in which children as young as six or seven spend a week or so in a natural setting. The teacher chaperones, along with a few other adults.
Colonie de vacances – Holiday camp. One of hundreds of group holidays for kids as young as four, without their parents, usually in the countryside.
Complicité – Complicity. The mutual understanding that French parents and caregivers try to develop with children, beginning from birth. Complicité implies that even small babies are rational beings, with whom adults can have reciprocal, respectful relationships.
Crèche (kresh) – A full-time French nursery, subsidized and regulated by the government. Middle-class French parents generally prefer crèches to nannies or childminding in private homes.
Doucement (doo-ceh-mahn) – Gently, carefully. A word that French parents and caregivers say frequently to small children. Doucement implies that children are capable of controlled, mindful behaviour.
Doudou (doo-doo) – The obligatory comfort object for young children. It’s usually a floppy stuffed animal.
École maternelle – France’s free state preschool. It begins in September of the year a child turns three.
Éducation (eh-doo-cah-see-ohn) – Upbringing; the way that French parents raise their kids.
Enfant roi (an-fahn rwa) – child king; an excessively demanding child who is constantly the centre of his parents’ attention, and who can’t cope with frustration.
Équilibre (Eh-key-lee-bre) – Balance. Not letting any one part of life – including being a parent – overwhelm the other parts.
Éveillé/e (eh-vay-yay) – Awakened, alert, stimulated. This is one of the ideals for French children. The other is for them to be sage.
Gourmand/e (goohre-mahn/d) – Someone who eats too quickly, too much of one thing, or too much of everything.
Goûter (gooh-tay) – The afternoon snack for kids, eaten at about 4 pm. The goûter is the only snack of the day. It can also be a verb: did you already goûter?
Les gros yeux (leh grohz yuh) – The big eyes. The look of admonishment that French adults give children. It signals that they should stop doing a bêtise.
Maman-taxi – Taxi mother. A woman who spends much of her free time shuttling her children to extracurricular activities. This is not équilibré.
N’importe quoi (nem-port-a kwa) – Whatever; anything you like. A child who does n’importe quoi acts without limits or regard for others.
Non – No. Absolutely not.
profiter (proh-feeh-teh) – to enjoy the moment and take advantage of it.
Punir (pooh-near) – To punish. To be puni – punished – is serious and important.
Rapporter – To tell on someone; to grass. French children and adults believe that it’s very bad to do this.
Sage (sah-je) – Wise and calm. This describes a child who is in control of himself or absorbed in an activity. Instead of saying ‘be good’, French parents say ‘be sage’.
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Notes
Prologue: French Children Don’t Throw Food
1 In a 2002 survey by the International Social Survey Program, 90 per cent of French adults agreed or strongly agreed with the statement ‘Watching children g
row up is life’s greatest joy.’ In the US it was 85.5 per cent; in the UK it was 81.1 per cent.
2 Joseph Epstein, ‘The Kindergarchy: Every Child a Dauphin’, The Weekly Standard, 9 June 2008. Epstein may also have coined the word ‘kindergarchy’.
3 Judith Warner describes this in Perfect Madness: Motherhood in the Age of Anxiety, New York: Riverhead Books, 2005.
4 Alan B. Krueger, Daniel Kahneman, Claude Fischler, David Schkade, Norbert Schwarz and Arthur A. Stone, ‘Time Use and Subjective Well-Being in France and the US’, Social Indicators Research 93 (2009), 7–18.
5 According to 2009 figures from the OECD, France’s birth rate is 1.99 per woman. Belgium’s is 1.83; Italy’s is 1.41; Spain’s is 1.4 and Germany’s is 1.36.
1: Are You Waiting for a Child?
1 Edmund White, The Flâneur: A Stroll Through the Paradoxes of Paris, London: Bloomsbury, 2001.
2: Paris Is Burping
1 Save the Children, The Complete Mothers’ Index, 2010.
2 The World Health Report 2000 – Health systems: improving performance, World Health Organization, 2000.
3 ‘It’s good for women to suffer the pain of a natural birth, says medical chief’, by Denis Campbell, Observer, 12 July 2009.
4 Maman.fr, ‘Les Tops des Maternités’.
3: Doing Her Nights
1 Jodi Mindell et al., ‘Behavioral treatment of bedtime problems and night wakings in young children: an American Academy of Sleep medicine review’, Sleep, 29 (2006), 1263–76.
2 Teresa Pinella and Leann L. Birch, ‘Help me make it through the night: behavioral entrainment of breast-fed infants’ sleep patterns’, Pediatrics, 1993: 91 (2), 436–43.
4: Wait!
1 Mischel’s experiments were recounted by Jonas Lehrer in the New Yorker, 18 May 2009.
2 Walter Mischel cautions that even if young French children are good at waiting, that doesn’t mean they’ll become successful adults. Many other things affect them too. And while Americans typically don’t expect small children to wait well, they trust that the same children will somehow acquire this skill later in life. ‘I believe an undisciplined child isn’t doomed to become an undisciplined adult,’ Mischel says. ‘Just because a kid is throwing around food at age seven or eight, at a restaurant … doesn’t mean that the same child isn’t going to become a superb business person or scientist or teacher or whatever fifteen years later.’
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