by Grey, Blair
And I knew that, but that didn’t change things. I wanted a child. I was ready to take that next step in my life, and I wanted a child who would never have to worry about who his biological father was. Who could have all the good from his father without learning any of the man’s bad traits.
Or something like that.
I supposed what it really came down to was that I wanted to talk to Marcus about this. He was a smart guy. I wanted to discuss my reasons; I wanted for him to help me understand why I had such a conviction that this was the right thing to do. I didn’t really understand it, myself. I just knew that this felt right. But Marcus clearly didn’t want to talk about it. He didn’t want anything more to do with me.
The consultant clicked through some things on her computer. “Oh, wow, you’re actually in luck,” she said. “If you want, we’ve got an appointment slot that opened up this afternoon. We could have you hopefully on your way to pregnancy today.”
“Oh wow,” I echoed. “That soon.” But it wasn’t that I didn’t like the sound of that. In fact, it only made me even more excited.
“I do have to warn you again that it might not take the first time,” the woman reminded me. “We’ve checked you out, though, and you are fertile right now. And the great thing about that implant is that you can get pregnant pretty much right away afterward, without having to worry about your hormones being all wonky like with other types of birth control. I’d say there’s a pretty good chance that you could conceive this afternoon. Otherwise, we can wait until your next cycle.”
“No, that sounds good,” I told her. “This afternoon.”
“Okay, perfect,” the woman said, clicking a few buttons on the screen. “You’re all set, then. Come back at one-thirty p.m. and we’ll work our magic.”
I laughed. “All right.”
I headed outside and immediately called Rachel. “Can you meet me for lunch?” I asked her.
“Uh oh, what’s going on?” she asked, but she sounded distracted.
“Are you busy?”
“Yeah, sort of,” Rachel said. “Sorry, I’m driving. What’s up?”
I didn’t want to tell her about it over the phone, but I didn’t want to drag her away from whatever she was doing as well. I took a deep breath. “They’ve got me in an appointment for this afternoon.”
“I thought you were supposed to have all the bloodwork done this morning,” Rachel said. I could hear the frown in her voice.
“I did,” I told her. “And all of that looked good, and we went to schedule an appointment for the actual insemination, and they said I’m ovulating right now and that they could fit me in for this afternoon.”
“Yikes,” she said, which wasn’t exactly the reaction that I had been going for. “I mean, that’s awesome, congratulations. Just, wow, that came up fast.”
“It did,” I agreed. “But I still am just so certain about this.”
Rachel was silent for a moment, and I knew exactly what she was going to ask next. “Did you tell Marcus about it?”
“Yeah, I did,” I admitted. “Yesterday.”
“And?”
I sighed. “He’s not happy about it.”
Rachel sighed as well. “Don’t you think that maybe that’s a sign that you should wait, then?” she asked. “I know it’s your body and your life and your decision and everything. But what if you waited just a month or two? Figured out this thing with Marcus first. Or at least had a little more fun with him before you sign yourself up for motherhood.”
“But if I do that, there might not be any of this guy’s sperm left,” I protested. “I might have to choose a different donor.” That wasn’t the real problem, and I knew that. And I knew that Rachel knew that as well. I paused. “I don’t want to give him this,” I finally admitted. “I don’t want to let him have control over my life. I don’t want him to tell me that I can’t do this.”
“Oh honey,” Rachel said. “You’re not giving him control over your life by not getting pregnant today. You’re just hitting the pause button. Thinking things over. Maybe doing a little bit of compromising. That’s what relationships are all about.”
“I don’t want that, though,” I said impatiently. “I want a child. Even if that means that Marcus won’t be a part of my life any longer.”
I could tell that Rachel had a lot more to say, but I could hear honking in the background. “I should let you go,” I told her. “You shouldn’t be on the phone while you’re driving anyway.” I hung up before she had a chance to respond.
I felt kind of petty, cutting her off like that. But she just didn’t understand where I was coming from. The perfect guy wasn’t just going to fall out of the sky in front of me. Marcus was far from the perfect guy for me. As much as I liked him, maybe his refusal to accept that I wanted to have a kid was a good thing. Maybe it meant that we would break things off now when it was still relatively easy to break things off.
It still hurt, but not as much as it would if I knew him for even longer. If I had been on even more dates with him.
Because even though I knew he wasn’t right for me, even though he was the kind of guy I could never have imagined myself with, there was absolutely nothing wrong with our dates. He was charming, he was funny, he was adventurous, and he was sexy. He hadn’t balked when I had taken him to one of my favorite ethnic-food places, even though as he said, the only food he had ever eaten with his hands before was tacos, burgers, or pizza.
We had fun together. And I knew that the more time I spent with him, the more difficult it was going to be to disentangle my life from his.
This gave us a clean break. He didn’t want to be around while I was pregnant. He didn’t want to have a kid with me. He thought it was—in his words—ridiculous. He thought this was ridiculous. He wasn’t ready to settle down yet.
And that was part of the appeal to him. The wild side, the adventure. It was part of what I liked. Maybe once he had a kid, I wouldn’t like him as much anyway. Now, I wouldn’t have to find out. Now, I could just look back on all of this with fond memories of that one time I had dated the biker dude.
I was looking ahead as well, though. I was going to have a kid. A little boy or a little girl. Someone that Gavin could look out for. Someone he could play with. He or she would be like a little cousin for him.
This felt like the best decision I could possibly make. I felt some mild regret, knowing that things were surely over with Marcus. But I was so busy looking ahead, and I knew I was going to have plenty to occupy me.
I went back to the clinic for my afternoon’s appointment and was shown back to one of the rooms. The same consultant from earlier came in, but she had a weird look on her face. “It’s a good thing that you’re already sitting, because I have some news for you,” she said.
I frowned at her. “Is something wrong?” I asked. Maybe they had run out of sperm for the donor I had chosen. Or maybe there had been a glitch in the system, and they had actually double-booked this appointment? They wouldn’t be able to inseminate me that afternoon after all?
“There’s nothing wrong. But unfortunately, it turns out that when we sent your blood sample to the lab earlier, one of the technicians accidentally ran the tests on some of the old blood draws that we did, rather than the one we did this morning,” she said.
I fought the urge to roll my eyes. It was a simple enough mistake, I was sure. They were probably all kept in the same tray. The person should have checked the date on the sample a little more closely, maybe, but that wasn’t the end of the world. “So what you’re saying is I have to wait half an hour or whatever for them to run the tests again?” I asked. “I don’t mind waiting. I don’t have anything else that I need to do this afternoon.”
“It’s not exactly that,” the consultant said, looking awkward. “I know this isn’t exactly the news you want to hear, but we can’t do the insemination.”
I felt panic grip my chest. “Is there something wrong?” I was good about getting all my checku
ps, and theoretically, if there was something wrong with me, it should have shown up in my earlier bloodwork, I would think. Unless it was something, some disease that was just showing up now. God, what could it be? Was it terminal?
What would I do if it was?
“We can’t do the insemination because you’re already pregnant,” the woman said.
I stared at her as if she had grown two heads. “What?” I asked blankly. Already pregnant?
“Congratulations. It looks like you don’t need us after all,” the consultant said, as though it were some great thing.
I wanted to ask how this was possible, but I already knew. I had had the implant in my arm for so long, replacing it whenever I needed to, that I hadn’t even thought to tell Marcus when I’d had it removed. I’d known that theoretically, I could get pregnant pretty soon thereafter. But I’d expected that my cycle would have to normalize first, before I could get pregnant. Was it possible that that wasn’t the case?
What were the chances, though?
I took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “Why don’t I give you a minute?” the consultant suggested kindly.
I nodded absently, but I barely heard her. What the hell was I going to tell Marcus? He hadn’t been excited by the idea of having children already. Would he even believe that it was his, or would he think that I was trying to trick him into believing that it was his, when really, I’d been artificially inseminated?
And did I really want him to know?
I felt like I had to tell him. I felt like I was obligated to. But at the same time, that would open up all the complications I didn’t want. What if Marcus wanted to have a say in the kid’s upbringing, even if he and I didn’t stay together? What if one day he wanted to take the kid away from me? If he knew that the kid was his, he would have every right to custody. Especially since with the hours I worked at the hospital, it would be easy enough for a court to rule that I couldn’t provide a stable upbringing for my child.
My chest constricted. I wanted this child so badly. I wanted to be elated, finding out that I was really pregnant. But instead, I just felt panicked. This wasn’t the way it was supposed to be.
31
Marcus
Wednesday
I went to the diner by myself on Wednesday. I just needed to get out of the house. My thoughts were too damned loud. I wanted to call Leila and talk her out of this stupid artificial-insemination plan. I got that she wanted to have a kid, but we weren’t ready for that yet. And I still wanted to think that someday we would be ready to take that step together.
It just wasn’t the right timing.
Everything else was still swirling around my head, too. I had expected Ray to call me immediately after the meeting and rip me a new one. When he hadn’t called immediately afterward, I had expected him to call on Monday night. Or on Tuesday. But now it was Wednesday at lunchtime, and I still hadn’t heard from the man.
I didn’t know what to make of that. So I came to the diner that Belle worked at, one of the local businesses that was still loyal to Red Eyes, hoping that maybe Belle could shed some light on things.
“What’s up?” she asked, sliding into the booth across from me. “Were you looking for Will?”
“Nah, I was looking for you, actually,” I told her. I paused. “Have you heard from your dad lately? I know you don’t live with him anymore.”
“Lately, like in the past week?” Belle asked, looking worried and confused. “Is everything okay? Did something happen to him?”
“No, no, no,” I said, holding up a hand. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to make you worry. I just maybe pissed him off on Monday during the meeting, and I was wondering if he had mentioned anything about it to you. He hasn’t talked to me since.”
“You know he doesn’t let me near anything to do with MC business,” Belle said, shrugging a shoulder. “But I’m going over there for dinner tonight if you wanted to join us. I might make a good buffer.”
I grimaced. “The last thing I want is to just show up at his place,” I admitted. “He’s probably still pissed at me.”
“What did you do anyway?” Belle asked curiously.
“I called him out for doing nothing with regards to the sheriff and the Unknowns,” I sighed.
“In front of everyone?” Belle asked, grimacing.
“Yeah. I know it wasn’t the smartest decision, I just feel like there’s this threat that’s been hanging over our heads for months now, and we’re just not dealing with it.”
Belle stared at me for a long moment. “There’s something more to it, isn’t there?” she asked. “It’s not just about club business.”
I blinked in surprise. “How do you know that?”
“Call it women’s intuition,” Belle said, winking at me. “You’ve got heartbreak written all over your face.”
“I’m not heartbroken,” I said gruffly.
Belle laughed. “Just teasing,” she said. “Dad mentioned that you might have a girl. Easy enough to draw the connection between that and your current pissy mood.”
My phone rang, and when I looked down, I was surprised to see that it was none other than Leila. I rejected the call; the last thing I wanted right now was to talk to her about her stupid insemination procedure. If she was really going to go through with that, I was going to have to put some distance between the two of us. It was enough of a risk for the Unknowns to know that I was interested in her; if they found out she was pregnant as well, shit could go really bad. Fast.
“Come on, what’s going on?” Belle asked. “Why are you avoiding her? Is everything moving too fast?”
I looked at her in surprise again. “How did you…” I trailed off, feeling stupid for asking the same question again.
Belle shrugged. “Things were like that with Will and me, too,” she reminded me. “I know exactly what you’re feeling right now.”
“She wants to get pregnant,” I blurted out.
Belle cocked her head to the side, not commenting on how soon it would be. Not reminding me that I was a Red Eyes thug through and through and that this was the path I had chosen with my life. Instead, she just said, “I bet you’d make a great dad.”
“Why would you even say that?” I groused. “I mean, it’s totally beside the point anyway. But you’ve never even seen me around kids.”
“I haven’t,” Belle agreed. “But you’re a good guy, Marcus. You’re better than you think you are. And you were always like an older brother to Will. You know how to take care of people. He’s always looked up to you.” She paused. “Between you and me, I think you’re a pretty big part of the reason that he decided to use his inheritance to go back to college. You made him realize that there was more to the world than just enforcing the MC rules.”
I thought about that for a moment. But I was startled from my thoughts when Leila stalked in the door of the diner. “So, what, you’ve already gone off and found someone else?” she snapped, marching over to the table and putting her hands on her hips.
Belle couldn’t hide her smile. She slid out of the booth, putting a hand on Leila’s shoulder for a moment. “He’s all yours,” she said.
Leila shrugged her hand off, glaring at the other woman. Belle held up her hand, displaying her pretty wedding ring. “Already married, hon. And not to this old sourpuss, either!” She laughed and headed back to work, scrubbing at the countertops.
That seemed to mollify Leila somewhat. She looked back at me and then slowly sat down across from me. I started to get up, but she caught my hand. “Wait. Please,” she said. She was looking down at the table, unable to meet my eyes, and she actually looked pretty upset.
I couldn’t walk out on her when she looked like that. Even if she was still set on carrying some fucking medical miracle of a baby.
“I’m sorry,” she said softly. “I should have told you what I was planning sooner. The truth was, I was thinking about getting artificially inseminated even before I met you. And I guess it was selfish of me to
think that I could still go through with it, without even talking to you about it. I just didn’t want you to talk me out of it.”
“And what, now I’ve talked you out of it? Because if you’re still going to go through with it, you should leave right now. I’m not having a kid with you, not right now.”
Pain flickered across Leila’s face. “No, I… I’m not going to go through with the artificial insemination,” she said, her voice barely audible. She peeked up at me through her lashes and then quickly looked back down at the table. “And you didn’t talk me out of it. I just… I really want you in my life. I like you. A lot.” She took a deep breath and let it out slowly.
I could tell that there was more that she wanted to say, but before she could continue, the door swung open, the bells chiming merrily. “Oh, for fuck’s sake,” I muttered under my breath as Lex, the leader of the Unknowns, sauntered in. Of course he would choose this time to make an appearance.
I could feel all my anger from Monday rush back to me. We were as good as on Red Eyes territory right now. Why not start a fight with him? Show him what he had coming to him? The sheriff might come after me, but I was all by myself, and there was nothing to tie me to Red Eyes. I could beat the shit out of the guy, and although I might get drawn up on assault charges, there was only so much they could do to me with only that as my charge.
I glanced at Leila, though, hanging back. I didn’t want her to see me like that. Like some common thug. Besides, even though we were nominally on Red Eyes territory right now, I didn’t have anyone for backup. Oh, Belle might be able to get Will or some of the other guys there, but who knew if they would get there fast enough. We all knew that Lex didn’t fight fair. For all I knew, he had goons staged right outside, waiting for any reason to bash my head in.