‘That’s not what she said.’
‘What did she say?’
‘Invited me to keep my pecker up . . . so I invited her to take her fucking hands off me.’ He squeezed his fist round the tissues. ‘She told me I should be so lucky, then stomped out of the room. I haven’t seen her since.’
Willis was nonplussed. ‘Are you saying she touched you inappropriately?’
‘No, Doc,’ Acland answered sarcastically, ‘I’m saying she stood on one leg in the corner and danced a fandango. Look, it’s no big deal. I don’t enjoy being treated like a piece of meat . . . but I’m probably the only man in here who feels that way.’
‘Do you want to report her?’
‘No chance. She’s already given her side of the story. Who’s going to believe mine?’
Who indeed? As far as Willis knew there had been no similar complaints against Tracey Fielding. The interesting factor was how similar Acland’s and Tracey’s accounts were – it took only a small twist to put a sexual slant on the incident – and he wondered if Acland had deliberately read more into ‘keep your pecker up’ than had been intended. If so, it worried the psychiatrist, although he didn’t pursue it.
Instead, he asked Acland if he had any objection to seeing his parents before they left. ‘They’re downstairs and they’d like to say goodbye.’
‘Do you have a mirror? I might be more sympathetic if I know what my mother’s been bawling about.’
Willis shook his head. ‘There’s nothing to see except bandages, Charles.’
The lieutenant pointed to the right-hand side of his face. ‘Not on this side.’
‘Yes, well, that’s not pretty either, and I don’t want you taking the wrong messages from it. You’ve got a black eye, your skin colour ranges from yellow to indigo and your face is still swollen . . . but the damage isn’t permanent and you’ll recognize yourself with no trouble in a few days.’
‘I wouldn’t bet on it,’ said Acland with more truth than irony. ‘Mum keeps referring to a photo in her wallet to remind herself what I used to look like . . . and Dad says my appearance was so altered when I arrived here – he claimed my head had swollen to twice its normal size – that he didn’t believe the soldier on the trolley was his son.’
‘That’s not unusual, Charles. Often the impact of injury is greater on the family than it is on the individual. The patient knows what he has to do – survive and get better – but it requires a huge amount of ego-focused energy to achieve it. If he allows his family to drain that energy away, it becomes much harder. Parents and spouses rarely understand that. They subscribe to the myth that love cures everything and feel rejected if their love isn’t wanted.’
Acland stared at his hands. ‘I hope you told my folks that. It sounds like a much better reason for attacking my mother than the real one.’
‘Which was?’
‘Too many bloody questions.’
‘I was told she tried to comb your hair.’
‘That too.’
‘What were the questions about?’
‘Nothing of any importance.’
*
Acland watched the little pantomime of his father shepherding his mother protectively into the room to say goodbye and wondered if his lack of guilt was because he’d finally brought her to her knees. He paid lip service to her need to have every unpleasantness swept under the carpet by saying he was sorry and allowing her to kiss him on the cheek, but they both knew it was a charade. There was a little more warmth in the handshake he gave his father, but only because he knew the kind of recriminations the man was going to face for his son’s misdemeanour.
*
Over time, as some of his memories began to return, Acland asked Robert Willis why the process was so unpredictable. ‘In what way?’ ‘I remember some things but not others.’ ‘What sort of things?’ ‘People . . . briefings . . . a couple of recces that we made . . . the heat . . . the landscape.’ ‘Do you remember your two lance corporals?’ Acland nodded. ‘There’s a cleaner here who smiles the way Barry smiled. I get flashbacks every time I see him.’ ‘Doug, too?’ ‘Yes. They were good blokes.’ ‘Do you have any memories from the day of the attack?’ ‘No. I don’t even remember receiving the orders.’ ‘But you know what they were. I showed you the report. Intelligence had a tip-off that the convoy might be targeted, so your CO sent his best crew to scout ahead. He said he had complete confidence in you and your men.’
‘What else could he say?’ asked Acland cynically. ‘If he’d slagged us off, morale would hit rock bottom. Soldiers would question what the hell they were doing there when even their CO doesn’t stick up for them. It’s bad enough that the British public thinks we’re fighting a rotten war.’
He spent his time watching the twenty-four-hour news channels on the television in his room. Occasionally, Willis took him to task for it, arguing that a concentrated diet of shock-value news gave a distorted view of the world. War was the currency of broadcasters, not of the man in the street. Acland ignored the advice, denying that he felt a personal involvement with the British soldiers in Iraq and Afghanistan, or that he found each new death depressing.
‘Your CO spoke very highly of you,’ Willis reminded him now, ‘described all three of you as men of the highest calibre. Aren’t you being decorated for it?’
‘Only mentioned in dispatches. If we’d been the best we wouldn’t have been taken out so easily.’
Willis eyed him thoughtfully for a moment, then flipped through the papers on his knee. He withdrew a sheet. ‘This is a paragraph from the investigators’ report. “Lieutenant Acland’s Scimitar was attacked by two improvised explosive devices which were buried in freshly dug culverts at the side of the road and detonated simultaneously as the vehicle passed. The culverts were tunnelled by sophisticated moling equipment and the explosives detonated by remote signal.”’ He ran his finger down a few lines. ‘It details evidence taken from the scene and from a video made by the insurgents, and it goes on: “This suggests an expertise in the construction, camouflage, placing and detonation of IEDs that has hitherto only been seen in Northern Ireland. Future training must include this development to avoid further loss of life. It is no longer enough to alert men to the possibility of a single roadside bomb in a burnt-out car or rubbish bin.”’
He looked up. ‘What they’re saying is that there was nothing you could have done. You and your men were the first victims of a new form of attack, and your only mistake was to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.’ He read continued cynicism in Acland’s expression. ‘What makes you think it was your fault?’
‘Nothing.’
‘Did any of your squad express dissatisfaction with your command?’
‘Not that I recall . . . but maybe I’ve chosen to forget it.’
Willis gave one of his dry smiles. ‘You’re confusing different types of amnesia, Charles. Yours – which goes by the general term of retrograde amnesia – is usually the result of head injury or disease, and is not governed by choice. Emotional amnesia – which may involve an element of choice – follows a traumatic psychological experience. In some cases this is so devastating to an individual’s ability to function that he blocks all memory of the incident in order to cope.’ He paused. ‘Nothing that I’ve seen suggests your amnesia has an emotional basis . . . but perhaps there’s something you haven’t told me?’
‘Like what?’
‘Did anything happen before you left for Iraq?’
Acland stared at him for a moment. ‘Nothing important.’
It was his favourite answer, thought Willis. ‘Perhaps not,’ he murmured, ‘but I suspect most people would say that being ditched by their fiance´e on the day of their departure was –’ he sought for a word – ‘upsetting.’
Anger flared briefly in the younger man’s face. ‘Who told you that?’
‘Your parents. They couldn’t understand why you never mentioned Jen or why she hadn’t phoned or sent a card . . . so your moth
er called her. Jen told her she couldn’t go through with it and felt it was fairer to let you know before you left. Is that what happened?’
‘Pretty much.’ Acland produced a tissue ball and tossed it idly from hand to hand. ‘It must have pissed my mother off something chronic to hear it was Jen who ditched me.’
‘Why?’
‘She spent months trying to make it happen the other way round.’
‘You were supposed to ditch Jen? Didn’t your mother like her?’
‘Of course not. She hates competition.’
Willis could believe that. He’d admired Mrs Acland’s fine-boned looks but he hadn’t liked her. He’d seen no more sincerity in her showy displays of grief than her son had done. ‘Were you upset by Jen’s letter?’
‘I never read it.’
‘She told your mother she sent it by registered post to your base.’
‘I didn’t bother to open it . . . just chucked it in the bin.’
Willis tapped the end of his pen against the notes on his lap. ‘You must have known what was in it. You had Jen’s name deleted from your records as someone to be informed in the event of your death.’
‘When?’
‘Presumably on your arrival in Iraq.’
‘I don’t remember.’
‘Do you remember feeling any grief? Do you feel grief now?’
‘No.’
Willis was sceptical. ‘Most of us do when relationships end, Charles. Novelists don’t write about broken hearts for no reason. Sometimes the pain can go on for months.’
‘I don’t feel anything for her at all.’
Willis tried a different tack. ‘What did you think of your CO? Would you describe him as a good bloke?’
‘Sure. He lost his rag from time to time but he never held grudges.’
‘What about the job you were doing? You talked about loss of morale earlier. Was morale low while you were out there?’
‘Not where I was . . . but we didn’t have much contact with the locals. It was the guys on the ground in Basra who took the brunt of the resentment, and they all said that was hard to deal with.’
‘Were you afraid at any point?’
‘Yes.’
‘When?’
‘Every time a car came towards us with a solitary driver. We held our breath until he passed in case he was a suicide bomber.’
‘So you remember some feelings – you liked the people you worked with, you empathized with low morale, and you were afraid – but you’ve suppressed your feelings for your fiance´e. What do you think that means?’
Acland gave an ironic shrug. ‘That I had to forget her to function properly?’
‘Except you haven’t forgotten her, you just don’t like her any more.’ Willis watched him pump his hands together, monotonously squeezing air from between his palms. ‘What emotion do you think you’d have felt if you had read her letter?’
‘I didn’t read it.’
He was lying, Willis thought. ‘Would you have been hurt?’
The lieutenant shook his head. ‘I’d have been angry.’
‘Then you must have been angry whether you read it or not, since you obviously knew it was a “Dear John” letter.’ He took off his glasses and rubbed them on his cuff. ‘Why does anger worry you?’
‘Who says it does?’
‘You implied your amnesia had an emotional basis, and you’ve been struggling with anger since you arrived here. It’s a strong emotion. I’m wondering if you think it caused you to fail your command in some way.’
‘How?’
‘Lack of concentration.’ Willis replaced his glasses and studied the young man. ‘I think you’re blaming the deaths of your men on the fact that your mind was on Jen . . . and you’ve convinced yourself that’s why you’ve forgotten the attack. You believe you were guilty of negligence.’
Acland didn’t answer.
‘I don’t pretend to understand every working of the brain, Charles – it’s a complex organ that contains around one hundred billion neurones – but I doubt the two events are related. You might have been distracted during the first week of your deployment but not after two months. I imagine you placed Jen in a box to concentrate on suicide bombers – it’s what most of us would do in the same situation – and anger never came into it. It’s hardly plausible that you’d box up the bombers to concentrate on her, is it . . . not if you held your breath every time a car went by?’
‘No.’ The young lieutenant’s hands relaxed suddenly. ‘But it’s odd. She was a damn good fuck. I’d expect to feel something.’
DR ROBERT WILLIS
MD, PSYCH
Extracts from notes on Lt Charles Aclan d January/February 2007
. . . Charles is suspicious of me. He wants to return to active service, and his reluctance to talk about his anxieties is clearly associated with this ambition. He thinks I’m acting for the army as a ‘mental health monitor’. [Query: How worried is he about his state of mind?]
...He places too much weight on his mental health assessment and not enough on his physical handicaps. I wonder if the reason for this is that he’s adapted well to the loss of his eye but hasn’t come to terms with the psychological impacts of sudden inactivity . . . the death of his men . . . feelings of inadequacy . . . guilt, etc....
. . . Personality change It’s hard to form an opinion after the event, but his current demeanour – cold restraint broken by occasional bursts of temper – seems to be new. His CO describes him as a ‘popular, outgoing officer with excellent leadership ability and good social skills’ . . . his parents as ‘loving and dependable’, a ‘nice person with numerous friends’. Both suggest a confident extrovert personality who conformed well to the conventions of the middle class. [Query: Why am I seeing an angry, introspective ‘rebel’?]
. . . I’m struck by Charles’s intelligence, which appears to be well above average. He is alert and observant – viz. his ability to reattach his own drips correctly – and has learned to compensate for his blind side in record speed. He’s also highly motivated and has developed his own fitness regime since being allowed out of bed.
. . . He’s reticent about his relationships, blocking questions about his parents by saying he gets on well with them. [NB This is clearly untrue, particularly re his mother.] However, he did describe them on one occasion as ‘mutually absorbed’ and ‘complacent’. When I asked if this meant he felt excluded, he said, ‘Not at all. I’ve always been my own person.’
...He claims he had no problems being sent away to boarding school at eight. ‘It gave me independence.’ [NB Independence seems to matter to him. He refers to the family farm as ‘the ball and chain’. ‘I’m an only child. I’m expected to marry and have children and inherit the damn thing.’]
. . . His indifference towards his fiance´e appears to be genuine, although mention of her irritates him. He says she’s ‘history’, therefore talking about her is pointless. He shows a similar indifference to the people who’ve sent cards. He doesn’t write letters or make phone calls, and he’s requested no visitors.
. . . Self-imposed isolation He spends hours alone in thought or watching the news channels on television. He avoids, or cuts short, any attempts at communication, often through rudeness. He distrusts and/or is contemptuous of the medical staff and other patients, has difficulty containing his frustration at what he perceives as stupidity or slowness, and transfers his anger and aggression into physical activity, such as pumping his palms together or clenching his fists.
...He rejects any idea that disfigurement is a contributory factor, claiming he doesn’t care what people think. [NB This is almost certainly untrue. He shows typical symptoms of a patient with facial deformity . . . refers to himself as a ‘freak show’ . . . dislikes being stared at . . . has difficulty judging other people’s reactions . . . distrusts shows of friendship . . . talks regularly about being in ‘a zoo’ . . . turns his chair so that his uninjured side is towards the door.]
; . . . Attitudes to sex Despite describing Jen as ‘a damn good fuck’, he blocks every question on the subject and presents as a sexually repressed individual. He’s highly protective of himself, particularly his genitals. He objects to female nurses and has accused one of the men of being gay. [Query: Is this repression or obsession? Query: Sexual orientation? Not clear.]
. . . Traumatic brain injury/subsequent antisocial behaviour I asked Henry Watson to take another look at the CAT scan for frontal lobe damage. He remains of the opinion that there is none but suggested a second scan, using MRI. He confirmed my assessment that Charles’s current symptoms are not typical of an antisocial disorder but refused to offer a view on whether a changed personality occurred suddenly or evolved over time.
...He expressed some concern about Charles’s contempt for others, which implies arrogance, lack of empathy and an inability to connect emotionally, but was less troubled by the shows of aggression – attack on mother, clenched fists, etc. – which he described as ‘hot-blooded’. [NB Typically, sociopaths show no emotional discharge when they’re angry but plan their violent reprisals in dispassionate ‘cold-blooded’ ways.]
. . . Reprisal Watson suggested I contact the ex-fiance´e to find out if Charles has made any attempts to communicate with her...
From: Jennifer Morley [[email protected]] Sent: 21.02.2007 16:56 To: [email protected] Subject: Lt Charles Acland
Dear Dr Willis
Thank you for your letter. I hope you don’t mind an email in return, but I thought it would be quicker. I’ll answer your last question first. No, Charlie hasn’t been in contact since before he went to Iraq. In fact I wouldn’t have known he’d been injured, or which hospital he was in, if his mother hadn’t phoned. I gathered from what she said that Charlie hadn’t told her we’d split up. Well, I’m not surprised! As far as I know, he never tells his parents anything.
I was extremely sorry to hear what happened, and I hate the idea that Charlie doesn’t want me to know. He must realize I still care about him. We were together for about nine months in total – dating on and off for the first two, an ‘item’ for the next four, and engaged from July of last year. I’ve written several times, but I haven’t had a reply. I’ve also phoned the hospital every few days, but the operator won’t connect me.
Chameleon's Shadow Page 3
