by Lexi Blake
Finn started to respond, anger clearly taking the forefront again, but Danielle held her hand out.
She brushed her hair back. “Maybe I am dumb, Julian, but I won’t stop. I won’t stop trying to love people. I won’t cut my heart out and store it somewhere because life’s been crappy. If I do that, then all the people who stomped on me get to win. You taught me so much. You taught me that the world is a way bigger place than I ever thought it was. I want to know it, and I don’t just mean places and other people. I need to know me. If I spend the rest of my life closing myself off, I’ll never do that. As for loving you, well, it’s way more important to love than to be loved. Loving people makes us better, even when it’s not returned. So I’ll love you till the day I die, but I won’t stop living for you.”
He felt numb. Danielle was younger than him, with so little life experience, and yet she understood things he hadn’t begun to comprehend. Things he didn’t want to comprehend. They deserved better. He wouldn’t change. He would simply put them under a contract, and after a while they would just be slaves. He would never change.
Jackson shook his head as though disappointed. He put his hands on Danielle’s shoulders and looked down at her. He was in full-on Dom mode, and it raised Julian’s hackles.
“Dani, don’t worry about a thing. I’ll take care of you and Finn. I’ll make sure you get everything you need,” Jackson said.
Finn stepped up. “No, Sir. I appreciate that, truly I do, and I would love to be able to call you if we need something, but I’m responsible for her now, and she’s responsible for me. We’ll be fine. I’ve been reading up, and I think I can be what she needs. I can be a…what do they call it? A switch.”
Jackson stood back. “You’re wrong. A switch is merely someone who likes to both top and bottom. What you’re talking about is something different. You’re talking about doing whatever it takes to love a woman. We call that a husband, Finn.”
Finn took Danielle into his arms, and she buried her head in his neck. Her chest heaved up and down.
Julian brushed past Jackson on his way down the stairs. He’d been frozen in place before, but now he couldn’t move fast enough. He ran down the stairs. He couldn’t breathe. The sight of Danielle and Finn clinging to each other made him ache in a way he’d never thought possible.
The door slammed behind him, and he dragged long breaths into his lungs, but it didn’t help.
Distance. He needed distance. Once he was back in his condo, he would find his balance again. He needed normalcy. He needed control.
He needed his car.
“Take my truck.” Jackson stood in the doorway. He tossed the keys to his big black truck at Julian’s chest. They hit him and then the dirt at his feet. “It’ll take hours to get your car back. When the police are done with it, I’ll have someone drive it to you, or hell, you’re not attached to anything. You can buy a new one.”
There was a derisiveness to the younger man’s tone that normally would have set Julian off. Now all he could think was that he deserved it. He reached down to pick up the keys as Jackson walked into the house.
Julian stared after him. Jackson would walk in and soon he would be surrounded by his family. He would be enveloped in their warmth. Abigail and Samuel would open their arms to him. Jackson had once told him that Doms all too often forgot their subs owed them comfort, too.
How long had it been since arms had wound around him seeking nothing more than to comfort him? He’d treated his subs as something to show off, something to prove his status. He’d never once lost himself in one’s arms.
Until Danielle.
God, some of the sex he’d had with her had been so vanilla. It hadn’t been sex at all. He’d made love to her. He’d taken her with no protection. He might have made a baby with her. It was unlikely, but he’d taken the chance.
If he let her go, she would move on. Her heart was strong, stronger than any he’d known. She would build a life with Finn, and Julian would be on the outside, forever staring in. They would have a family, raise children. Perhaps they would even find another Dom.
And Julian? He could see his life, too. He would go on as he always had. He would play the generous benefactor. He would give of his money, sometimes his body. He would let his heart rot because it was a useless, dangerous thing. He would let those moments when he’d been abused and neglected rob him of everything that could have healed the hurt.
“It gets easier.”
Julian started and realized he wasn’t alone. Ian Taggart was standing across from him, his face a stony mask. “I’m sorry. You can go, Mr. Taggart.”
“Go where? Back to work? That’s what I have, you know. Work and sleep, and sometimes if I get desperate enough I’ll find a sub to fuck. I’ve learned a lot from you, Mr. Lodge. I always put them under a contract. I won’t touch anyone without a contract,” Taggart said.
Rules. He had so many of them. Jackson always told him that his rules would keep him from something good someday. Julian’s rules stated plainly that it was time to walk away. He stared at the guesthouse where he was sure Finn was holding Danielle while she cried. Rules and contracts. That was what his life came down to.
Those rules were his safe word. He’d been screaming his fucking safe word for twenty years.
“And it works? The contracts protect you?” He knew the answer, hated the fact that someone like Taggart would think to learn from him.
“It reminds me that I didn’t have one with her. Not one that stopped her from dying. Not one that stopped her from taking me with her when she went,” he replied.
“Her?”
“My wife, and if you ever mention her, I’ll kill you. No one knows about her. She’s dead and buried, and the best piece of me went with her, so I’m going to tell you how this goes because you taught me so much. It’ll hurt in the beginning. You’ll feel hollow, and nothing, no amount of liquor or drugs or fucking, will ever fill that place, so you let it be empty. You let it be hollow. And one day you realize you’re cold and that’s so much better than being warm. Because you’ll never be warm again, so welcome it, brother.”
Welcome the cold? A cold bed. A cold life. A life where he never spoke of them. Never talked about them. Never let anyone even know they had existed. “Your brother doesn’t know?”
“About my Charlie? No. I try to forget about her but she’s always there. Sometimes I can get through the night without dreaming of her, but not often. Maybe it’ll be different for you because you made this decision. You didn’t love them.”
“I did. I do.”
“No, you didn’t because if you loved them, you wouldn’t have walked away. I would sell my soul for one more minute with her. I would give away the rest of my fucking life to hold her in my arms one more time, and I hate that bitch as much as I ever loved her. She lied and used me, and I would give anything to be with her one last time so no, Mr. Lodge, if you can walk, it’s not love.” Taggart glanced over at his truck. “So why don’t you let me drive you back to Dallas and we can both get on with our pathetic lives.”
Could he stop? He thought he couldn’t change, but hadn’t he changed already?
There was something wet on his cheek, sliding down toward his mouth. He brushed it off and then gazed at his own hand. Tears. He was fucking crying. More and more rolled down his skin. Another broken rule.
He’d begged. He’d pleaded. He was crying. All broken rules. He had two choices. He could get into that truck and drive home and pull all those rules around him like a protective sheath.
“Or you can walk back into that house and thank god they’re alive and they love you,” Taggart said. “You fill that fucking hollow place inside with them and be whole. I’ll never be whole again. I’ll never be the me I was when I was with her. You could be better.”
He could be as brave as his Danielle, as steadfast as his Finn. He could sink into them and let them be a balm to his wounds.
If something happened down the line, at least he
would know he’d loved them. At least he would know that he’d lived.
He dropped the keys in the dirt and, tears blurring the world around him, walked back into the house.
Chapter Twenty
Finn’s lips were soft against her cheek. His arms hadn’t left her since the minute Julian had walked out. Dani took a deep breath and relaxed against him, his strength and the warmth of his body a comfort to her. He sat on the bed, cradling her gently. She closed her eyes, but she could still see the horrors of the day.
Finn’s arms tightened as she shivered. “You still scared, baby? It’s okay. Nobody’s going to blame you. You need to know that I won’t let anything happen to you. I swear, I’m going to watch you like a hawk from now on.”
She nodded because she was going to watch him, too. She would worry about Julian because he wouldn’t let her watch him. She wondered how far down the road Julian had gotten. How many miles separated them?
“You’ll see. It’s going to be better when we get home. My condo is nice, but if you don’t like it, we’ll move. We’ll find someplace that suits us.” He seemed willing to talk about anything but the fact that Julian was currently driving away from them. “And if you need to talk to someone, I can find a good shrink. I’ll go with you.”
She shook her head. She didn’t need a shrink. She needed Julian, but that wasn’t going to happen. The whole time she’d been in the hospital all she could think about was the blank expression on his face. It didn’t fool her at all. He hadn’t been unaffected. He’d been a ball of emotion, but he would never show it.
“I don’t want to see someone,” she said, measuring her words. The last thing she wanted was for Finn to feel slighted. “I promise I’ll talk about it if I get scared or have bad dreams. But there is something I want to do once we get settled down.”
“Anything. We can do anything.” Finn’s voice was breathless, as though he was excited she was asking for something.
“I want to go to The Club.”
Finn stiffened. “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”
She sat up. She was sure she looked a mess, but it didn’t matter with Finn. He wouldn’t care that she had a red nose or that her makeup was long gone. She pushed her hair out of her eyes. “Tell me you don’t want to experiment. Tell me you don’t want to play anymore.”
His handsome face fell. “I told you, I’ll top you. I can do it.”
He would try, and she didn’t doubt he would do it. But it wouldn’t fulfill him. Julian had taught them so much. For so long they had been cut off from whole sides of themselves. She doubted Finn could be happy without D/s playing some role in their lives. “I don’t think either of us is going to be content until we explore this part of ourselves. I’m okay with playing around at home, but I think we should try The Club or, if Julian refuses to let us in, maybe some other club. I heard the bodyguards talking. They have one called Sanctum. We could try going there.”
Finn’s voice was low, defeated. “I don’t think he’ll care either way, Dani. I think once he makes up his mind he’s done. Hell, if you want to play, I bet Lucas can get us in. Julian probably won’t even notice we’re there.”
Dani sniffled. She couldn’t seem to help it. Maybe one day the ache of losing him would lessen, but it was still a raw, gaping wound in her chest. “Probably not. He’ll probably have other subs by the time we’re ready. He’ll have some pretty, thin thing under one of those contracts.”
“No, I won’t.”
Dani spun around, gasping at that deep, dark voice she had been sure she wouldn’t hear again. “Julian.”
He stood in the doorway. His tall, muscled frame took up most of the space, making everything seem small in comparison. His hair was loose, making him look younger than his forty-plus years. His silvery eyes were hesitant, though. Still, he held her with his gaze. “I’ll never sign another contract. Not another BDSM contract.”
Finn’s hand was suddenly in hers. He squeezed her fingers. “I thought that was important to you. I thought you never took a lover without one.”
“I didn’t. Until I met the two of you.”
Dani felt a surge of hope. He was here. He hadn’t left. But she had to know. She couldn’t go through this ping-pong of emotion. “Why? Because we were a fling and those don’t count? Because I’m not up to your standards?”
His face went a scarlet red, and his fists clenched. “Damn it. I won’t listen to anyone talk that way about you.” He took a deep breath. He visibly got himself under control. “Please, little one, don’t test me. I’m at the end of my control. I won’t allow anyone to put you down, least of all yourself. You and Finn mean more to me than I can say.”
“Try.” Finn scooted beside her. His voice had a slightly hard edge, but his arm curled around her reassuringly. He wouldn’t simply let Julian back in. Finn would make him work for it. She’d known Finn all her life. He could hold a grudge. She would have to make sure he didn’t in this case.
She watched as Julian swallowed. She waited for him to tell Finn to fuck himself and walk off. A thousand scenarios played through her mind. Julian could simply leave, deciding they were too much trouble. He could start his Dom routine and bark orders at them. He could have come back simply because he wanted to explain why he had to leave. He wasn’t a monster. Maybe he wanted to soothe them. He might promise to find them a new Dom. That scenario hurt most of all.
“I think I love you.”
His hoarse words sent her reeling. Of everything he could have said or done, she hadn’t expected it would be that.
“Okay,” Finn said.
She turned her face up. Finn had a smile that caused Dani’s heart to clench. Finn understood that there was no place for grudges now. She looked back at Julian. “Okay.”
He stared for a moment, seemingly dumbstruck. “Okay? That’s all you have to say?”
It wasn’t. Not for Dani. “I love you, too, Julian, but I have a few conditions.”
Every muscle in his body tightened. His jaw clenched. “All right. I’ll listen to conditions.”
She contained the smile that threatened to burst over her. Moments before she’d been dead tired, but now a new energy rolled through her system. “I don’t want to be your slave, though I do want the sex part. I know I’m submissive, and I’m willing to be sexually submissive, but I want to take charge of my life. I want you to help me do that.”
His red-rimmed eyes suddenly held a wealth of warmth. “Yes, Danielle. I will help you do that.”
One hurdle gone. The worst was yet to come, though. She took a long gulp of air. “I won’t sign a contract with you. I know that’s important to you, but I need you to trust me. That contract won’t hold me to you. My love will hold me.”
“I told you no contract, Danielle. But I want you and Finn to live with me. I want you with me always. I want to try. I want to give you the things you need.”
Finn got to his feet. “You can’t run again.”
“I won’t.” Julian met his eyes. Something passed between the men. “I promise you. Whatever problems we have, we’ll talk it over or fight it out. I won’t ever leave again. But you should know something. I don’t think I’m good at the love thing. I haven’t really tried it before, never wanted to. You might have to be patient with me.”
Patience was Dani’s middle name. She got to her feet. She could be more than patient with him on an emotional level, but on the physical plane she wanted more, and she wanted it now. She walked straight up to him and planted her body close to his. He was stiff for a moment, as if he wasn’t sure what to do, but then he sighed, and his arms curled around her body. She sank into his heat, nuzzling his neck, listening to the firm beat of his heart. She felt his left arm open, and Finn snuggled in. Finn’s arm wrapped around her waist, and she was complete.
“Forgive me.” The words from Julian’s mouth were hoarse and unnecessary.
She’d forgiven him even as he’d walked out on her.
“I love yo
u.” She and Finn whispered it at the same time, a benediction for their soul mate, for the man who made them whole.
“I love you. I love you so much. I’ll never stop.” Julian leaned down and kissed her. His lips grazed against hers softly before his tongue came out, requesting entry. She opened beneath him and was rewarded with the strong surge of his tongue rubbing against hers, dancing in a slow grind she felt in her pussy.
He released her mouth and pressed his lips against Finn’s. Dani watched as they kissed for the first time. It was tender. Emotion and promise played along their lips. They were so beautiful together. Dani wanted to step back and watch them, but they held her close.
“I want to make love,” Julian whispered against Finn’s mouth. “I want us to share Danielle, to make her understand that she can rely on both of us.”
Their heads turned together, both gorgeous men watching her with undisguised lust in their eyes. One pair of gray eyes and one pair of green caught her. Their skin touched, and their hair mingled. It seemed to Danielle they had a single purpose. Her.
Her heart rate sped up. The air in the room suddenly seemed too heavy to breathe.
Julian suddenly pulled away as though something had just occurred to him. His hands were on her clothes, pulling her shirt up. “What did the doctors say, Finn? Perhaps she should be in bed.”
Hell, no. She was not getting put to bed and treated like an invalid. She didn’t need to be coddled. She needed them. She wanted everything their eyes had promised her. She allowed Julian to tug the T-shirt over her head. “I’m fine. Surprisingly the doctors say they see the cattle prod thing more than you would think. No permanent damage and no need to rest.”
