by Mercy Amare
Something was definitely going to happen, but I’m not going to admit that to Toby. I feel kind of guilty about it without his teasing. “After you left we went to the basement and watched a movie. We talked. That’s it. And then he went home.”
“That’s too bad,” he says. “I was kind of hoping the two of you would get back together.”
“Really?” I ask.
“Well, like I said, it’s either Gabe or Ty,” Toby says. “I’m Team Gabe. Especially after watching Ty make out with Victoria last night.”
Toby briefly had a crush on Victoria. I guess it was a little more than a crush. She went to Hawaii with us for Christmas. She kept saying how she just wanted to be friends with benefits and how she wanted to talk to other guys… That is until she found a text from another girl on Toby’s phone. She freaked out, and that was the end of their relationship. Since then, my friendship with her hasn’t been the same. Really, everything changed at Christmas, and not for the better.
“I can’t believe I thought I wanted to date her,” he says.
“Well, I can’t believe I dated a psycho killer, but it happened,” I say back jokingly. I guess it’s a good sign that I’m joking about it already. Maybe humor will be my way of coping, though really, how can you cope with something like this?
“I guess I can take comfort in the fact that Victoria didn’t kill anybody.”
“That we know of.”
Toby bursts out laughing. “Things have changed so much since you got here last summer.”
“I bet your life was a whole lot less complicated then,” I say.
“Definitely,” he agrees. “But having you here makes everything interesting. I have no idea what I did before you got here.”
I tap my finger against my lip. “Let me guess. You smoked weed and had sex with lots of girls.”
“And now I don’t smoke weed or have sex. Seriously, I can’t remember the last time I got laid. That is really sad,” he says, frowning. “Oh wait, yes I do remember. It was last month, before Mom and I moved back in.”
“I missed you a lot while you were gone,” I tell him. “This house is super boring without you.”
“I know,” he says.
“So, Gabe is going to try to convince Dad to let us out of the house tomorrow,” I tell Toby. “Or me, since apparently you’re allowed out of the house.”
I know, Toby doesn’t have a stalker, but it doesn’t mean his life isn’t in danger. The stalker could easily use Toby to get to me. But does that stop Veronica and Dad from letting him go out? No. I swear, they have a double standard when it comes to us.
“He might let you go,” Toby says. “Since Brian is behind bars.”
My chest tightens when I hear Brian’s name. “Yeah, but… he… isn’t the only one behind this. We know that. There is no way that he could’ve done this all on his own. He doesn’t have the money or the resources.”
“I wish we knew who he was working for,” Toby says. “I mean the whole thing — working as our pool boy, getting close to you… it was all a lie.”
“I know. More than anything, I wish I could talk to him. I need closure. Plus, I feel like if we talked maybe I could convince him to tell me,” I say. “I mean, I know that it was all a game to him, but certainly he felt something for me, right? I mean, we were together for three months. We saw each other every day. Maybe if you helped me get in to talk to him.”
“I don’t know, Kihanna. There was obviously something wrong with him. Maybe you were just a game to him. He was sick. If he wasn’t, there was no way he could’ve done that to you… Not after getting to know you.”
I close my eyes for a second, trying not to cry. “I still need to see him, Toby. I need to know why. I need to look him in the eyes and listen to him tell me.”
“Kihanna…” Toby sighs. “Do you really think your dad would allow that? That I would allow it. Just… no. I don’t want that guy within a mile of you.”
“How am I supposed to move on?” I ask him. “How can I ever trust somebody again? How can I be with somebody when all I think about is what he did to me?”
Toby runs his hands through his hair and lets out a deep breath before responding. “Can I just… think about this? You’re asking a lot from me, and I don’t know if I can help you.”
“Take all the time you need,” I say, feeling hopeful.
Probably nobody will understand, but I need this more than anything.
“You know, all the time I spent around him, I never once would’ve guessed he was doing that. I really thought he was good for you. Now I just… feel so stupid. I’m your brother. It’s my job to protect you from guys like him.”
“We didn’t know,” I say. “Even now, looking back, I don’t see how the guy I dated was capable of this. Of course, I also didn’t realize Ty would cheat on me. And even after catching him, I believed him when he said it was a one-time thing. Obviously I’m not that great when it comes to relationships. Or reading people.”
“But I am. I told you not to have sex with Ty. I didn’t know that he was cheating on you, but I suspected. With Brian, I didn’t think anything about it. I thought he was good… safe. I couldn’t have been more wrong.”
“Everything about him, to me, was normal. His family is so… perfect. They were always so kind to me. He lost his dad to cancer, and I felt like we had so much in common because of that. And his sister was my best friend. Is my best friend. I don’t know what she is anymore. She probably hates me.”
“No. She probably hates her brother,” Toby says. “She could never hate you. She’s probably scared to contact you because she probably thinks you hate her.”
“I want to talk to her again, but I can’t right now,” I say. “I thought I wanted to. God, I’m so selfish. She’s probably hurting. I should want to be there for her.”
“It doesn’t make you selfish. It makes you human. Being around her would obviously bring up a lot of memories you’re not ready for.”
“I can’t face her. Not until I talk to Brian.”
“I said I’d think about it,” Toby says. “And I will.”
“Thank you.”
“Now,” he says, putting his arm around me, “…let’s go talk to your dad and see if we can spring you for a day.”
3 p.m.
I will find a way.
Tomorrow, the family is going out. Jack, Libby, Gabe, and Ty are coming along, so it’ll be just like old times.
There is a theme park in San Francisco that is closed on Sundays during the non-summer season, but Dad called and pulled a few strings. They’re opening up just for us. No long lines. No crowds. Just fun.
I tell Toby thank you about one hundred times. I’m actually getting out of the house for a little while, and I couldn’t be happier. This place was really starting to feel like a prison… A really nice prison with a pool, super fast internet, and a mini theater in the basement… but still.
Later that afternoon, Gabe comes over to hang out.
“I’m so glad you convinced your dad to let you out of the house,” Gabe says. “No offense, but I was kind of getting bored here.”
I laugh. “At least you can leave. I’m the one stuck here while you go to school.”
“Actually, I’m not going to school right now. My mom and dad decided to keep me at home until this all blows over. I’ve been doing my school work at home,” he says.
“I’m sorry,” I tell him. “Maybe you should convince your parents to let you do your school work with Toby and me. Actually, we spend most of the day procrastinating, and about two hours actually working. But our work gets done.”
“I don’t want to hurt your feelings, but I can only take so much of being around you. I know it was easy for you to just move on, but I can’t. Last night…” his voice cuts off, and he looks away.
“Last night only made things more difficult for you,” I say, finishing his sentence. “I am really sorry, Gabe. I didn’t know. I thought… I thought that you were
okay with being my friend.”
“I will never be okay with just being your friend,” he says. “Sometimes I can’t even stand to look at you. I never thought that I could love somebody as much as I love you. Losing you was the hardest thing I’ve ever been through.”
My chest hurts at his words.
While Gabe was miserable over losing me, I was happy with Brian.
I was happy with the person who was making my life a living hell.
What is wrong with me? How could I have ever chosen somebody like Brian over somebody like Gabe?
“Gabe, I… just need time,” I tell him.
“I know,” he says. “Waiting just really sucks.”
When Gabe looks at me, I can see the pain in his eyes. He is truly hurting over what I’ve done to him. He is in love with me, and I don’t deserve it. I don’t deserve him.
Hearing Gabe say this confirms that I need to see Brian. I will find a way. Because if I’m ever going to date Gabe, I need closure with Brian.
5 p.m.
Finally.
Gabe doesn’t stay long. He says he has stuff to do at his house, but I know why he’s really leaving. It’s because he can’t stand to look at me, or even be around me. Not that I can blame him. If I were him, I’d hate me too.
I decide that I don’t want to hurt Gabe anymore, so I’m going to do everything in my power to make sure I can talk to Brian. I decide to call the detective and see if he will let me in to see him.
“Kihanna,” the detective answers. “Is everything alright?”
“I need you to get me in to see Brian.”
I hear his sharp intake of breath. He wasn’t expecting that. “You know I can’t do that.”
“I know. But I was thinking… maybe he would be willing to talk to me.”
“Your dad won’t allow it, Kihanna,” he says, but I can tell by his tone of voice that he’s considered the same thing.
“I’m eighteen now,” I remind him. “I don’t need my dad’s permission.”
“I shouldn’t be telling you this, but Brian has been asking for you,” he says. “He says that he won’t talk to anybody unless it’s you.”
Hope fills my chest. “Then work your magic. Let me in to see him.”
“I don’t know…”
“Look, I get that my dad is powerful and rich, but I’m eighteen. This has gone on long enough, and I just want it resolved. Just let me come in and talk to Brian. You can have armed guards in there with us, I don’t care. Just please let me talk to him,” I say. “I just… don’t want anybody else to get hurt.”
He sighs. “Fine. Monday morning I will pick you up at nine. I’ll think of something to tell your dad.”
Relief floods my chest. “Oh my gosh, thank you so much.”
“Don’t make me regret this.” With that, the line goes dead. I smile as I pull the phone down.
Finally, this is going to be over.
Finally, I am going to get closure.
Sunday, April 29
7 a.m.
This has been thoroughly awkward.
I don’t complain when I have to wake up early on Sunday. Mostly because I’m so unbelievably excited about being allowed to spend the day somewhere besides this house. It’s going to be a great day.
Plus, tomorrow I get to talk to Brian.
“Is today going to be awkward?” Toby asks me, sitting on my bed as I go through my closet. We have an unsaid agreement… Every morning, after he gets ready, he comes to my room while I get ready. I get dressed in my closet. But knowing he’s just beyond the door makes me feel safe. I wonder if I will ever be not scared of my room.
“Why would it be awkward?” I ask, pulling a pair of skinny jeans off the hanger.
“I don’t know,” he says. “Maybe because you almost had sex with Gabe Friday night, and ever since then you two have kind of been avoiding each other. Now you’re going to be forced to spend the whole day together. Plus, Ty will be there, and you know he’ll find some way to make it awkward for everybody.”
Toby’s right. Ty is good at making everybody feel awkward. And he is definitely going to see there is something going on between Gabe and me.
Ugh, Ty is so annoying. Yet… somehow… after dating me, cheating on me, and annoying the crap out of me, he’s still one of my best friends. How is that possible? The thought of not having Ty in my life makes me sad. He will always be my friend.
“Can you just… make sure Ty saves the awkward comments for when Dad’s not around?” I ask Toby. “I don’t want Dad to think that Gabe and I are getting back together.”
“Why not? Because I’m pretty sure you are.”
I roll my eyes. “Even if we are, which we aren’t, Dad probably already thinks I’m fickle. I don’t exactly have a good track record when it comes to dating. Plus, I am not jumping into a relationship right now. Not until everything is… better. Last time Gabe and I dated, somebody cut his brake lines. I’d rather not be responsible for another death.”
“You know that nobody’s death was your fault, right?” Toby says.
“Yeah, well, it certainly feels that way. Kasbian, Jacqueline, Keith, Nicholas… they’d all be alive if it wasn’t for me.”
“You don’t know that.”
“Yeah I do.”
“Whatever. You do not,” he says. “If you weren’t here, maybe I would’ve been the target of the stalker. Or Gabe. Or Victoria. Or Courtney. Or any of your friends at school. Maybe it would have been even worse than it is with you.”
I ignore him and walk back into my closet. I pull out a shirt and shut my door to get dressed. When I come out, I grab a pair of pink Converse and slip them on.
“You know I’m right,” Toby says.
“Maybe. Maybe not. I guess we will never know.”
I stand up, about to walk out of the room.
“Those jeans make your butt look good,” Toby says, following me.
I stop and turn toward him. “That is so disgusting. Why do you insist on checking me out?”
He shrugs.
I motion him forward. “I’m never walking in front of you again.”
“Until you forget twenty minutes from now,” he says. “It’s really not a big deal. You’re my stepsister, so it’s not like I’m going to try to have sex with you or anything. But you have a nice ass, so I’m going to look.”
My dad is standing at the top of the stairs, looking at Toby. “Toby, really? What is wrong with you?”
I laugh. “I’ve been asking him the same question since I arrived.”
“What?” Toby says, feigning innocence. “Kihanna is hot. Surely you know that.”
“Don’t call your sister hot,” Dad says.
“Step,” Toby and I say at the same time. I knew he was going to say that. He says it every time.
Dad rolls his eyes. “I don’t know what I’m going to do with the two of you.”
“You know you love us,” Toby says.
I smile big at my dad.
“Just get downstairs. We have some rules to go over,” Dad says.
“Rules?” I ask.
He doesn’t say anything. We follow him downstairs, and I make sure Toby walks in front of me.
“Kihanna, you better not be checking out my ass after all the trouble you gave me about it,” Toby says.
“I’m definitely not looking at your ass,” I say, sounding as grossed out as I feel at the thought.
“You two need to stop saying the word ass,” Dad says. “You’re going to have a little sister soon, and when she’s older she is going to repeat everything you say.”
“Don’t worry. We will be in college when she starts talking,” I tell him. “Actually, I’ll be in college the first four years of her life.”
“Good thing you’ll be at Stanford. You can come home anytime you want,” he says. “You could even live here… if you wanted.”
“Dad,” I say, shaking my head. “Oh, by the way, I wanted to talk to you about Stanford… I cha
nged my mind. About college.”
He stops at the end of the stairs and turns to me. “What do you mean you changed your mind?”
I take a deep breath. “I kind of decided to go to Berkeley instead. I am going to call the admissions office tomorrow and see if they can make an exception for me. I technically turned them down, but they wanted me pretty bad.”
“You’re giving up your spot at an elite private school to go to Berkeley?” Dad asks, like I’m crazy for even considering it. Maybe I am.
“Technically, Berkeley is a private school too. And their acceptance rate is eighteen percent. It’s a really hard school to get into. I would be lucky to go there,” I say, defending my choice. Mostly, I want him to be proud of me.
He sighs. “You know you can go where you want. I just liked Stanford. It was so close to home,” he says.
“Berkeley is only an hour drive,” I say.
“And Stanford was a thirty minute drive. You could’ve stayed at home.”
“I still can come home as often as I want. Every weekend.” Okay, not every weekend. I’m kind of excited about getting away from here. Not because of him, but if I say it I know he will feel that way.
“Most parents have eighteen years to prepare for their kids to go off to college. I only had one year,” he says, frowning.
“It’s okay,” I say. “You’ll be so busy with the new baby you won’t even miss me.”
“I will definitely miss you.”
“I’ll miss you too.”
My dad pulls me into his arms and squeezes me so tight that I can hardly breathe. As soon as he releases me, I take a deep breath. He puts his hand on my shoulders. “If Berkeley is where you want to go, then that is where you will go. I will support you, no matter what you decide. I’m proud of you.”
“Thanks.”
“Gabe’s going to Berkeley too,” Jack Johnson says from behind Dad.
Dad looks at me. “Are you two dating again?”
“Why does everybody keep asking me that?”
“Maybe because you two were making out Friday night,” Toby says. “Next time, don’t use my bed when you want to have sex.”
