by Mercy Amare
For the first time in a long time, I feel… free. I have let myself get weighed down with guilt when I am guilty of nothing. I did nothing to make Mike Newman stalk me. In fact, I’ve only met him once. When I think back, I can hardly remember saying much to him. Mostly hello. Friendly stuff.
“Oh my God, Gabe… It wasn’t my fault.”
“I know. I’ve always told you that,” he says.
But when I look at him, I frown. “What I did to you, Gabe… nothing will ever excuse my behavior.”
“It doesn’t matter. You did what you thought was best. I can’t fault you for breaking up with me. You thought it was the right thing to do at the time,” he says. “What you did, you did out of fear. I don’t blame anybody but Mike Newman.”
“I don’t deserve you,” I tell him the same thing I’ve been thinking since I found out Brian was my stalker. “How can I be with you when I don’t deserve a second chance?”
“Kihanna, I love you,” he says. “I love you so much that it hurts. It’s funny that you say you don’t deserve me, because I feel like it is me that doesn’t deserve you. You’re such a good person, and I’m not.”
“You’re the best person I know.”
“I haven’t always been… good.”
“It doesn’t matter,” I say. “I don’t care what you did before me. None of that matters to me. Only you matter to me. Gabe, I love you.”
Gabe looks at me with his beautiful blue eyes, and I swear my heart stops. “I have waited so long for you to say those words to me again. I can’t… imagine… life without you. I’ve tried it and it sucks. I don’t want to ever feel that pain again. Life without you means nothing. You have made me feel alive… I never thought I would feel like this again. When you broke up with me, it’s like you took a piece of my soul with you. But now you’re here, and I’m whole again.”
“I was so stupid to do that,” I tell him. “Breaking up with you was the worst mistake of my life.”
He laughs. “If that is the worst you’ve done, then you’re doing pretty well as far as mistakes go.”
“So you and me… we’re really together?”
“For as long as you want to be,” he says. “For as long as you will have me.”
“Forever then,” I say. “By the way, I kind of told everybody that we’re back together. I know we said that we were going to keep it a secret, but I just couldn’t keep it to myself.”
Gabe’s face brightens. “Good. Because I want everybody to know.”
“Just… don’t put it on Staying Connected just yet. My stalker… they can see everything that I put on there. I haven’t posted on there in a long time, and I don’t plan on it until after they’re caught,” I tell him. “It seems like me posting my every thought on there just makes it easier for him to stalk me.”
“We don’t need to define our relationship on social media… or really to anybody besides us. You’re mine and I’m yours. That’s all anybody needs to know,” he says, and then lowers his head toward mine. Our lips meet, and my heart beats fast and slow at the same time.
I decide right then that getting back together with Gabe was the smartest thing I’ve ever done.
With my kiss, I let him know just how much I love him.
With my touch, I let him know that I will never leave him again.
This feeling… I will never feel it with anybody else. I don’t want to. Because I belong with Gabe and he belongs with me.
When I think about the future — graduating high school, summer in Tahiti, college, and even after college, there is one person I see standing by my side through it all. And that is Gabe. Our relationship isn’t perfect. And yeah, we have a lot of crap to work through. But we will work through it because we love each other. Because Gabe is worth fighting for.
Because, really, isn’t that what love is about? Finding the one person that drives you crazy, but loving them anyway?
7 p.m.
Sellout.
We are having family dinner.
Family dinner.
My mind is blown.
Dad, Veronica, Toby, Ty, Gabe, and I are all sitting around the table laughing, making jokes, and eating a meal. Together. It’s just… crazy. I mean, this probably won’t happen every night, but it’s happening now. And I love it.
“On Saturday, Senator Newman is hosting a charity event at his beach house in Malibu,” Dad says. “He has invited us, so I was thinking we could all fly down there early and do some sightseeing.”
I choke on my water. “Do we have to go?”
“We’d only have to be there for an hour,” he says. “Two tops.”
“Can’t we just go to LA and you could go to the party?” I ask him.
“He specifically asked for you to come, Kihanna. He’s going to have some reporters there and you know how he is — always campaigning. It will look good for him to have you there. He wants to get young voters.”
“Does anybody even know who I am? Or what I look like?” But then I think back to the party on New Year’s Eve. Brian’s friend knew who I was because of some article in a magazine… an article that I knew nothing about.
“I’ve tried to keep you sheltered as much as possible, but people know you. And a lot more are going to know you when you go to Berkeley,” he says. “You are the one who agreed to do all those interviews. Though, really, who can blame you? It’s an amazing opportunity for you. Why not use your name to get ahead?”
Is that what I’m doing? Using my name to get ahead? I guess I am. For a moment, I wonder if I should feel like a sellout, but I don’t. This was exactly what my mom wanted for me — for me to go to a good college and have a good life for myself. That’s why she sent me here. Even if she weren’t dying, I know she would’ve told me the truth — eventually.
“But I just…” I let my voice trail off. How can I tell my dad that I don’t like Mike Newman?
“What Kihanna is trying to say is,” Ty says, looking at me. “She hates my dad. Not that I can fault her for that. I kind of hate him too. I can think about a million other things I’d rather be doing on a Saturday night than hanging out with that a—”
I clear my throat, cutting Ty off.
“I’m with Ty on this one,” Toby says. “Mike Newman gives me the creeps.”
“Yeah, but isn’t it weird that he specifically asked for Kihanna to come?” Gabe asks them. “I mean, maybe we should go and see what all that is about.”
“Yeah, and maybe Kihanna can wear a target on her forehead while she’s at it,” Ty says sarcastically.
“What am I missing?” Dad asks, taking the time to look at each of us.
“Nothing,” we all say in unison.
Smooth.
Real smooth.
“It’s just… what if my stalker is there,” I say. “We know that the person funding Brian is still out there. They are obviously rich, so they’ll probably be at this party. Hell, they will probably expect me to be at the party. Is it really… smart?”
“There will be security. Plus, Cole will be there,” Dad answers.
“Dad, there was security at my birthday party too. Gabe was able to kidnap me just fine then.”
Ty laughs and we all turn to look at him.
“Sorry,” he says, putting his hands up. “It’s just so weird hearing those words come out of your mouth.”
“It’s up to you,” Dad says, looking back toward me. “Think about it and let me know tomorrow either way.”
“I will.” Or not. Because there is absolutely no way that I am going.
9 p.m.
Kihanna Newman.
“I think you should do it,” Gabe says.
“Are you out of your mind?” Toby asks him. “There is no way she’s doing this.”
“Why not?”
Ty answers. “One, because my dad is a psycho who would not hesitate to put a bullet through her head. Two, because him putting a bullet through her head is probably the nicest thing he would do. Trust me, I bet h
e’s planning to do a lot worse for her. And three, because I don’t want Kihanna anywhere near him. I’ve seen what my father is capable of. The only feelings he is capable of feeling are hate and revenge… and lust, obviously. Okay, well, he pretty much loves all of the seven deadly sins, let’s be honest.”
“Yeah, but do you really think he’d try anything in front of all those people?” Gabe asks. “I mean, one wrong move and he’s caught. Then he can say goodbye to his career, which obviously means a lot to him.”
“When I say my dad wouldn’t hesitate to put a bullet through her head, I didn’t mean that he would be the one holding the gun. How easy was it for him to pay off that Kasbian kid? And Brian. My dad can really pick the crazy ones. Plus, if you put enough money on the table, almost anybody would be willing to kill.”
“Just be glad crazy isn’t hereditary,” Toby tells him.
Ty looks pained at that. “I hope not. God, I don’t want to be anything like my dad.”
“You’re not,” I tell him. “You look alike, but that’s as far as genetics goes. I never got the chance to meet your mom, but I bet you’re a lot like her. Which is probably why your dad hates you so much…”
I wince at my words.
Yeah, maybe I shouldn’t have said that out loud.
“Sorry, Ty. I didn’t mean to say that,” I say.
“It’s okay.” He shrugs his shoulders like it’s no big deal. “I’ve known my whole life that he despises me.”
“Well, if it’s any consolation, I love you,” I tell him. “As a friend. Nothing more. But a very good friend. Like a brother.”
He smiles at that. “I know what you mean. You secretly want me. You probably have a notebook full of you doodling the name Kihanna Newman over and over.”
I roll my eyes.
“Actually, I kind of hate the last name Newman. I should change it,” he says. “I don’t want anything associated with my dad.”
“Maybe my dad will adopt you,” I tell him jokingly.
“I am not ever going to be related to you,” he says. “Unless you marry me. Which you say isn’t going to happen.”
“Never.”
“Yeah. So that’s why I can’t be adopted. It would just be… weird… to be attracted to my sister,” he says, making a face. “Then I’d be like Toby. Yeah, not happening.”
Toby laughs. “Whatever, Kihanna is my stepsister. We are supposed to want each other. It’s some kind of unwritten step-sibling law.”
I hit Toby with a pillow from the couch. “Shut up.”
“We are getting way off topic here,” Gabe says. “We were talking about the charity event.”
“Right, and we decided Kihanna shouldn’t go. End of story,” Toby says, tossing the pillow back to me.
“Why not?” Gabe asks, sitting forward. “I think this is the perfect opportunity.”
“No, Gabe,” I tell him.
“Here’s what I’m thinking,” he says. “Ty’s dad wants us at that party for a reason. But what if that reason isn’t to kill Kihanna? What if it’s because he’s hiding something here and he has to be there?”
“What do you mean?” Ty asks him, suddenly intrigued.
“Why has Mike been home for the past couple of months? He’s hardly ever here. Especially this long,” Gabe answers him. “What if he’s hiding something in his house that he doesn’t want us to find?”
“But I live there,” Ty says, shaking his head. “Well, I did live there. I haven’t seen anything…”
“Yeah, but you know how your dad is. He never lets you into his office.”
“True. Basically half of the third floor is off limits to me and anybody else. He won’t even let the cleaning crew up there,” Ty says.
“Exactly. What if he really is hiding something up there?” Gabe asks.
“Why not sneak in? Kihanna doesn’t have to go. We can sneak in there while my dad is at the party. He will never know.”
“But he has no idea that we know,” Gabe says, pushing himself off the couch. “We can’t let him know that we know. We have to pretend everything is normal. If Kihanna turns down his invitation then I think he will put two and two together. He’s smart. So I propose that she goes. Toby goes with her. And Ty, you and I will sneak into your dad’s office and find proof.”
“That might work,” Toby says.
Ty shakes his head. “No. No. I don’t want to put Kihanna in any sort of danger. And I definitely don’t want her within five miles of my creepy father. But I definitely don’t want her to be five and a half hours away in LA while we’re here. Separating seems like a very bad idea.”
“But what other option do we have?” Gabe asks.
“Gabe is right,” I say. “I’ll do it.”
“Okay. Then it’s settled.” Gabe smiles, clearly happy to be right.
“Fine,” Ty says, not so happily.
I’m not too thrilled about the idea, but I will do anything to have all this over and done with.
Mike Newman is going down.
Friday, May 4
7 a.m.
Brave.
Dad decided that were going to fly to LA tonight after school. We are staying at this really nice hotel right on the beach. Under normal circumstances, I would be excited. But considering the fact that I was invited to this event by my stalker kind of makes me nervous.
“Are you sure you want to do this?” Ty asks, as we drive to school.
Cole is driving Gabe, Toby, Ty, and me in one of my dad’s black SUVs. The windows are tinted so dark that nobody is able to see in. I feel like the president or something, riding in this car with a bodyguard.
“No, I’m not,” I answer honestly. “But I do know that if I don’t suck it up and do it, this may never be over. I want to feel safe again. Not just feel safe. I want to be safe. How can I ever leave for college unless your dad is behind bars?”
“I know,” Ty says, frowning. “Kihanna, I’m so sorry that my dad is doing this to you.”
“You should never apologize for your dad,” I tell him. “Seriously Ty, it’s not your fault he’s doing this to me.”
“I know. It just doesn’t stop me from feeling guilty. After everything you’ve gone through… to know that he’s the reason for it…” Ty clears his throat. “My dad has made me suffer for a long time. I kept thinking I only had a few more years to put up with him, but I was kidding myself. All I have to do is make one wrong move and he’ll kill me just like he did my mom. To be honest, I’m lucky to have made it this long. I just don’t want to give him power over me anymore. This fight isn’t just about you. It’s my mom, it’s about all the other nameless people he’s killed, and it’s also about all the people he would continue killing. I can’t wait for this to be over. And while I hate sending you to that party, at the same time I’m so glad you’re doing it. You’re the bravest person I’ve ever met.”
Ty’s words both break my heart and give me motivation all at the same time. He’s right. This isn’t just about me. If I can put a stop to him, I won’t be the only person to benefit. Who is to say he’s never treated anybody else like this? I mean, I know he’s killed before, so this is probably nothing to him. Just another means for revenge against my dad. To him, it doesn’t matter who gets hurt or killed in the process.
Well, I’m definitely not backing out now.
“I’m pretty nervous about the party, but I’m also kind of excited. I feel like maybe this is it, you know? Maybe this time we will finally get the proof we need to put him behind bars,” I say, feeling optimistic.
“That would be nice,” Toby agrees.
Gabe takes my hand in his, and I turn to face him. “So, why was it so easy for you to track the address the text was sent from, but it’s not easy for the police?”
“Because I’m me,” he says, shrugging.
“And why can’t we just turn what we have now into the police?” I ask.
“Because of me,” Ty answers. “Because if Gabe turns it in, my dad won’
t look guilty. I will.”
And I hadn’t thought of that.
“But why can’t we just tell the police?”
“No proof,” Gabe answers. “Besides the address, there is nothing linking Mike Newman to you. But Ty, well, he would just look guilty. He’s your ex-boyfriend. The first dead body showed up right after you broke up with him. To be honest, Ty looks really guilty.”
“Right,” I say, feeling angry. We are so close. We know the truth. But it’s not enough. And even now, knowing what I know, I still feel further from freedom.
At least now I know that this truly has nothing to do with me personally.
“This is all so… frustrating,” I say, sighing.
“I know. Trust me, I do,” Ty tells me. “I’ve lived with him my whole life. I don’t know how Angela puts up with him.”
I think about Mike’s wife, Angela. I wonder if she’s safe. Has Mike ever threatened her life? Has she seen all the bad stuff he’s done? Or is she completely blind? Maybe she’s just as scared of him as the rest of us are.
Cole pulls into the school parking lot and parks the car. He gets out and opens my door for me and together the five of us enter the front doors of the school. I wonder for a moment what it would be like to have Cole following me around the campus at Berkeley. If Mike isn’t caught before then, it truly could happen.
He has to be caught before then.
4 p.m.
I can’t help it.
Gabe sits on my bed while I pack a suitcase.
“You should just move your clothes downstairs, since that’s where you sleep now,” he tells me.
“I know. But at the same time, I don’t want it to feel permanent. I want to feel like I can come back in here. Eventually. I hate that I’m scared of this room. It doesn’t matter where I am. My stalker has proven over and over that I’m not safe anywhere. But every time I close my eyes I see Brian standing at the end of my bed watching me,” I say and shudder at the thought. “Maybe after Mike Newman is in jail I will feel more confident sleeping in here.”
