“Do you resent that?” she asked. I shook my head.
“No. I love her,” I said quietly. Talise nodded again. “She’s just used to having everything her way.”
“Why does that bother you?”
“She thinks she can buy me,” I replied, realizing for the first time that it troubled me. I shook my head. “Even if I let her, she’ll never be satisfied with just me. She needs more. She needs to belong in a world I’ll never fit into. I’ll always be her secret. The part of her that wants me is the part she’s ashamed of, that she hides. If I forget that, and let my guard down, she’ll crush me,” I said quietly. “She says things sometimes to make me believe I mean more to her than that, but then she reacts to the tiniest threat of exposure. She’s ashamed of what we are. I have to remember that, always, and protect myself, keep my perspective.” It hadn’t occurred to me until that moment what I was really afraid of with Lara. I stared at Talise in shock at the words I’d spoken.
“That must be difficult,” Talise observed.
I blinked at her as my vulnerability started to sink in. While Talise finished preparing lunch, I sat quietly considering what I’d told her. I watched as she added the rice and lentils to the skillet with the thick red peppers and pungent onion. Gradually, she mixed in spices and salt. She scooped everything into a large bowl and brought it over to the table. I followed and sat down as she set the table in front of me.
“This smells incredible,” I offered, focusing on the food, anything not to think about what I’d said about Lara. She scooped the rice mixture into two smaller bowls and placed one in front of me. She retrieved silverware from the kitchen and returned to sit across the table from me.
“We’re famous for our Chile peppers here,” she replied, smiling softly. I nodded. “You know, it’s really none of my business, all of this. I hardly know you, and I don’t know Lara at all.” I nodded as I took my first bite of what she had prepared for me. It was excellent, just spicy enough to make my nose tingle. “But, I’ll tell you what I saw if you like,” she said gently.
“What you saw?” I repeated after chewing and swallowing.
“The woman I watched kissing you is hopelessly in love with you. That’s why I was watching the two of you the other day. I could feel her emotion from across the room. I fell half in love with her just watching the way she touched you, with a sort of contained fervor, as if you were so precious, and fragile, she had to check herself. I’ve never seen anyone so obviously devoted to another person.” I ate quietly as I thought about what she said. “Her feelings are stronger than you think,” she added. I worked to swallow my food, and took a gulp of water to hide my nervousness.
“Talise, why are we talking about this?” I asked when I’d recovered. “I don’t even know you.”
“Well, that’s likely why,” she said, offering a sympathetic smile. “Besides, I’ve been told I’m not good at small talk.” Her smile turned to a grin. “Would you rather discuss something else? How about the weather? People are always fascinated with weather.”
“Do you have a girlfriend?” I asked. She shook her head, her black hair falling like a curtain across her shoulders. “A boyfriend?” She smiled and diverted her eyes.
“Are you interested in art?” she asked, suddenly shy once the focus was on her personal life, rather than mine.
“Of course,” I replied, noting her obvious evasion.
“You’ll model for me then?” she asked. I started laughing and shaking my head no. “You’re so strong and beautiful with your round belly, powerful and vulnerable at the same time. You have to let me try to capture it.”
****
When I returned to our hotel room after lunch, Lara still was not there. I sat calmly for a few minutes allowing my mind to sift through the bizarre day I’d had. Talise was an interesting girl. Once I put my private life off limits for conversation, she talked about her work. It turned out her jewelry was secondary to her main interest, which was sculpture. She showed me several drawings of pieces she planned to do, abstract shapes with a sensual sort of feel to them. She had a few photographs of finished pieces, which were more impressive than emotive. In all, I really didn’t know what to make of the girl.
Toward the end of lunch my stomach had started fluttering, indicating the baby was restless. For some reason this physical reminder of her presence set me on edge. Once back in the room I tried lying down to calm her, but she continued to shift around. Finally, after an hour of struggling to relax, I rose and straightened the bed. It was still a mess from that morning. I decided to take another shower, hoping the hot water would relax my baby back into dormancy. When I finished my shower, Lara had returned. I could hear her moving around, but I took my time, slowly combing through my wet hair, thinking about the baby inside of me, and resisting the urge to hurry to Lara.
My belly was growing rounder, I realized, as I rubbed a generous amount of lotion into my tight skin, trying to calm down. I was afraid of stretch marks, something I’d noticed on almost every pregnant woman I’d seen over the years. I was paying special attention to my expanding hips when Lara knocked at the bathroom door. I focused on my image in the mirror and saw a bloated, frightened girl staring back at me.
“I’ll be out in a second,” I called to her, allowing irritation to color my voice. I wrapped a soft robe around myself, concealing my over-ripe belly, and went out to her. She was sitting on the edge of the bed, her face slightly shiny from whatever they did to her at the spa. I stood in front of her, my arms crossed tightly over my chest.
“What did you do all day?” she quizzed.
“I shopped,” I answered flatly. For some reason I felt defensive.
“I looked for you at lunchtime,” she said. I shook my head. “I was worried you’d be bored.”
“I wasn’t.”
“Where’d you go?” she asked. I shook my head.
“Why are you so curious?”
“I don’t know. I was disappointed, I guess. I expected to have lunch with you,” she said. Smiling sweetly, she reached out to unfold my arms before claiming one of my hands. She appeared impossibly young without makeup. Suddenly she was that beautiful girl who kissed me so many years earlier. “You seem tense, baby,” she observed. “What’s wrong?” I shook my head as she guided me to the bed to sit down.
“I’m not tense,” I said a little too sharply. Her hands moved quickly to ease the robe from my shoulders. “Lara, stop. That’s not the answer to everything.” My voice was harsh in my ears. She pulled back from me quickly, her eyes opened wide in surprise.
“What? What’s not the answer, Sylvie? Is there a problem? What’s wrong?”
“Nothing,” I snapped. “Why does something have to be wrong?” She stood and took a couple of steps away from me and turned, just watching me, silently.
“It’s obvious something’s bothering you,” she said finally. “Tell me. Let me fix it.”
“It’s not so simple, Lara. Don’t you see that? You can’t just fix everything, especially when you’re what’s wrong.” She shook her head. “I should have married Anders. At least then I would have been certain.”
“What? Why?” Her voice was stronger, more sure suddenly. “Don’t I make you happy, Sylvie?” I laughed under my breath.
“Of course you do, Lara. But I’m lost in all of this.”
“What would you have been certain of, I mean, if you were with him instead of me?” she asked.
“I’d know my place in the world. I don’t know what to do,” I answered, as calmly as I was able.
“About what?” she asked. “Why are you so wound up? Did something happen today?” I shook my head.
“She’s moving all over the place,” I answered under my breath. Lara smiled gently, the worry slipping from her expression as she took a step closer to me.
“It’s unsettling isn’t it, that proof of life moving inside of you?” she observed, reaching a tentative hand to my shoulder, squeezing it in an effort t
o reassure me. I stared at her for a minute before pulling away.
“I don’t need any more proof. My stomach is getting huge. Everyone notices now,” I growled at her. “It’s all anyone sees.” She grinned and stepped back, her eyes trailing over my belly. I had an impulse to shove her away from me.
“Does it bother you so much, my love?” I glared at her and she pressed her lips tightly together to keep from smiling briefly. A moment later she looked sad. “You’ll get used to feeling her move around. It’s far worse when you’re used to it and it stops,” she observed. “As for your huge stomach,” she said, cocking her head to the side as she appraised me. “I adore your beautiful belly, but I don’t think it’s that noticeable yet. It will be, and soon.”
I slumped back on the bed in a graceless sprawl. She sat down at my head and tentatively brushed her fingers through my hair, gathering my uncontained locks before scooting closer. I lifted my head to lay it in her lap and she began playing with my hair. I focused up at her as she leaned down to press a kiss to my forehead.
“Sylvie, my beautiful girl,” she whispered. “You take my breath away every time I look at you.” I rolled my eyes at her attempt at reassurance. “Let me show you,” she said slyly, as her fingers travelled past my collarbone, just barely skimming the tops of my breasts. I shook my head.
“Talise asked me to model for her,” I said. Her fingers dipped lower, reaching between the material of my robe and my skin.
“Model what? Who’s Talise?” she asked. She had found my nipple and was caressing it. I had to focus to control my breathing. I couldn’t allow her to realize she was affecting me.
“I had lunch with her today,” I said evenly. Her hand faltered.
“I see,” was her reply.
“She’s a sculptor,” I added. She withdrew her hand, but made no move to get up.
“How do you know her, baby?” Lara asked evenly.
“You remember the girl who watched us in the store that day, right after we arrived?” She nodded. “She saw you kiss me, said she never would have guessed you were a lesbian.”
“Sylvie, please” she said quietly. I nodded. “You don’t know this girl. Why would you discuss me with her?”
“I know her well enough,” I replied, smiling as her gaze widened with uncertainty. “But aren’t you pleased to know how well you conceal yourself?” I asked sharply. I could feel Lara stiffen as the power shifted. I quickly eased over onto my knees and pushed her back on the bed beneath me.
“What do you want, Sylvie?” she asked. “Just tell me. I’ll do whatever you want.”
I didn’t answer, but instead gathered her skirt with both hands, very slowly lifting it up her thighs as her eyes tracked my progress. I kissed smooth flesh as it was exposed, covering the length of her legs, pressing my face between her thighs to nibble the softness there. Once I reached her panties I nuzzled her through the silky white lace, inhaling that softness into my lungs.
Her scent was intoxicating, making my mouth water slightly at the prospect of tasting her, but I denied myself. Instead, I shifted my attention to the buttons of her dress, popping them open, one by one, from her throat to her waist. I ran my tongue from the top of her panties just below her bellybutton, up and between her ribs before I reached the exquisite softness between her breasts. Her hands came up to hold me there as she wrapped her legs around my thigh and ground against me. I pulled back to look at her, my flawless Lara, so hungry and so exposed.
“I want you,” I whispered as my mouth moved over the outside of her bra, tasting her nipple through the fabric. “I need you.” Ringing of the church bell in the square outside our window broke the silence of the room, and spurred my movement. I held her down with one hand as I ran my other hand the length of her body and down into her panties, pressing into the smooth wetness I found there. “You like me inside of you, don’t you? You need this.” She groaned, her head pressing back into the bed. “Be honest, Lara,” I said. “That’s what I want.” Her body tightened around my fingers, but she didn’t answer me.
I pressed more deeply into her, adding a third finger, wanting to open her. I was more inside of her than I’d ever been, completely connected, pressing my thumb against the swollen hood of her clitoris. I filled her and removed my hand, again and again, her hips rising with each thrust, driving my fingers deeper inside of her as the tremors of minor orgasms coursed through her body. Her moans were desperate, intense. I jerked her bra aside and took her breast into my mouth as I filled her with my hand, my pace quickening as my movements became rougher. I wanted to devour, to devastate her. I sucked hard on her breast, pressing farther into her as a guttural sound wrenched through her body. She cried out as her frenzied fingers tore at the sheets, her body taut, and her head thrown back. Slowly she seemed to dissolve down into the mattress, a sort of torpor taking over her movements as she gazed at me. She was removed, distanced, her eyes not registering me.
“Is this all you want from me, Lara?” I asked, shifting over onto the bed beside her, waiting. She didn’t answer, but curled up against me. Her hand moved slowly across my belly to my breast as she sighed. She tried to kiss me but I shied away. “Lara, tell me.”
She blinked a couple of times before meeting my eyes. She brushed my cheek with her fingertips and then turned over, pressing her back into my belly, her fingers entwined with mine, holding my arms tightly around her. “You don’t understand, Sylvie,” she replied.
I lay pressed against her, tense and uncertain, a captive, wanting nothing more than to shove her away from me, to scream at her. After several minutes passed I could tell from her breathing she was asleep. Frustration coursed through my blood, making it impossible for me to be still. I started pulling back from her, but as I was freeing my hand from hers she sighed quietly. My anger turned soft as I focused on her slender shoulder, the slight weight of her in my arms. My lips were drawn to the back of her neck as I tightened my hold of her. At that moment I felt the answer to my questions in the weight of her against me. She gave herself to me as much as she was able. I could not deny she owned me completely.
-CH 7-
December 1975
The sun was setting, and the light was reflecting a slightly pinkish hue in her pale hair. Lara had been uneasy all day as I tried to help her relax. She was staring at the food on her plate, which the waiter placed in front of her at least five minutes earlier, but making no move to eat. I reached across the table to touch her hand, hoping to reassure her. She jerked away from my touch, startled, and then glared at me accusingly.
“What’s wrong?” I asked gently. Her eyes softened.
“We need to leave this place,” she answered.
“You don’t like your food?” I asked, confused. “We could go to the restaurant near…”
“I’m not hungry,” she snapped, interrupting me.
“Oh,” I said as I realized what she meant. She wanted to move on, to leave Santa Fe. “All right. Maybe Talise will finish with me in the next couple of days,” I offered. I was modeling for Talise’s next sculpture. I’d been spending a few hours with her daily over the past couple of weeks, since my belly had become obvious.
“We need to be out of here before Christmas,” was Lara’s reply.
“Lara, I will not walk out on Talise before she finishes.”
“I didn’t plan this far out when we left Chicago. I thought we’d be moving around enough it wouldn’t matter where I went to the bank.” I nodded. “I’m out of money,” she whispered. “I have to have some money wired. Mother will know where we are when I do that.” I took a bite of my burrito and smiled at her.
“Let her know where you are. What does it matter anyway?” She shook her head.
“That depends on what we want, Sylvie,” she said evenly. “Do you want Hattie to know you’re pregnant?”
I swallowed with some difficulty and shook my head. “No.”
“Mother will be on the very next plane, the moment she knows where I a
m. She won’t wait for me to disappear again,” Lara explained. I nodded. “When she finds us, she’ll see I’m not pregnant. And you must realize, no one would doubt you are pregnant now, honey. If she sees you…” I nodded again.
“How much time do we have?” I asked, sharing her concern.
“I haven’t paid our hotel bill in over a week. I can avoid it for maybe two or three more days, but when I pay, we will be out of money,” she explained. “We have enough for gas to Albuquerque. I’ll have my bank wire the money there. That will throw her off our trail.”
“That’s too close,” I said.
“Don’t you think I know that, Sylvie? I have no choice,” Lara replied.
“No. I have money,” I said quietly. “I was preparing for these months without work. I’ll get what we need.” Lara nodded. “Okay, we leave in three days then,” I said. Lara smiled.
“Are you really okay about leaving?” she asked. I nodded in reply. “I thought maybe you’d grown attached to Talise.” I ignored the veiled question. Lara glanced around the restaurant to make sure no one was watching before reaching her hand across the table to discreetly squeeze mine. “To tell you the truth, honey, I’m a little bit over this town,” she said softly. And just like that my world tilted and Lara became inexplicable again. “I’d have suggested moving on sooner if I thought you’d agree.” Her words surprised me. I watched her for a minute trying to figure her out.
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