He twirled his finger in the air around his head with an impish grin that made Toni melt. “The wings are a dead giveaway, but if not for them, then the hair. It’s all about the very large hair.”
“Okay, everyone just stop!” Wanda ordered, hiking up her skirts and squaring her shoulders. “We’re getting nowhere like this. Obviously, the realm or whatever wants us to take Toni to the castle and leaving isn’t an option. Now, it’s not like we’re strangers to an odd crisis or…what is it, now…eleven crises? We’re just not usually a party to them in quite this way. That said, we’re going to do what we do on every other case we’ve ever had—help the client. So buckle up, biotches, quit complaining, and let’s get Toni to the castle.”
The client? Cases? Toni held up a frozen red hand. “Well, hold on. Who says Brenda’s the final word on what’s what? Again I ask, what if I don’t want to go to the castle?”
“What if I drag you and your boogie shoes the entire way?”
Jon stepped between Nina and Toni, his hand going to his hip, where a silver sword sat. “I cannot allow you to harm the fair maiden.”
Nina snorted in Jon’s face and looked up at him, her eyes gleaming as she yanked her sunglasses off. “Here’s the score, Pretty Boy, no one tells me what’s allowed.”
Jon placed a hand at Toni’s waist and pushed her behind him. “I warn you, milady, I’m trained in the art of the sword. You do not want to do battle with me.”
Nina rocked back on her heels with a sly smile. “Oh really? Well, I’m trained in the art of carnage, buddy. You don’t want to see your innards wrapped around a tree, do you?”
Jon lifted his chin, the glimpse she caught of his eyes as she tried to get between them dark and stormy. “That would be heartily unpleasant, but no woman has come to harm while on my watch, and none ever will.”
Toni removed Jon’s hand from her waist—and if she were honest, reluctantly so—then stepped between he and Nina. “Look, this is my fault. I did this to all of us, I’ll fix it. You three and Carl go on about your business, and I’ll find my way to the castle myself. I’m no stranger to hoofing it alone.”
Wanda yanked a glove off and tapped Nina in the head with it. “She most certainly will not. This was an accident, Nina. You know, that thing we specialize in? Besides, you heard what Brenda said—it has to be us who takes her to the castle in order for us to all leave, and besides that, when was the last time we abandoned someone in their hour of need? Never. That’s when. Now you take Carl and go scout us out a place to stay for the night. Marty can find us some wheels; I’ll look for the nearest food court. We ride at dawn!”
Jon held up a broad hand tipped with lean, sun-browned fingers. “I can provide you with all those things, if you’ll allow me. And I can certainly be your guide to Castle Beckett.”
“You know the way to the castle?” Marty asked. “Smart and delicious. Phew. Ice pack, please!” she chirped on a giddy chuckle, her wings picking up their thumping pace.
“If you’ll all follow me through the woods, I’d be happy to shelter you for the night and we’ll begin our journey in the morning, yes?”
Nina stopped him with a flat palm to his shoulder. “What’s the going rate for shelter ’round Fairyland, Jon Doe?”
“Rate?” he asked, his gorgeous face confused.
Nina rubbed her fingers together. “Yeah, you know, like sheckles or rupies or a cow, or whatever the fuck it is you Robin Hoods want as a fee for using your facilities. Name your price, because I’m not going anywhere with you until we have some clear rules.”
Jon’s face went from confused to horrified in seconds. “I would never require a single pence as compensation for sheltering members of the League of Fairy Godmothers. It’s against the rules of the realm and punishable by death.”
“Oh, thank God,” Marty murmured, her body visibly relaxing. “Because I have no idea where my purse is. Not to mention my cell phone. How are we going to call the boys and tell them we won’t be home for dinner, Wanda?”
Jon turned to look down at them all, ignoring Marty’s chatter. “Are we in agreement?”
Nina eyed him for a brief, uncomfortable moment before she said, “I’m givin’ you fair warning, buddy. One wrong move, one shady shift of your eyes, and I’ll kill you. You won’t have time to use your sword if your Motel Six turns out to be Motel Hell. Got it?”
“What is a Motel Six?”
Jeez, he was cute when he was confused.
Wanda rolled her eyes and patted Jon’s arm. “Ignore her and just take us somewhere warm, please.”
But Jon didn’t budge. He placed a hand over his heart. “I would never soil my reputation. Rest assured, you’re safe with me. Now, shall we?”
He gallantly held out his arm to Toni who took it with little reluctance. She was damn cold and her feet were like blocks of ice. The sun had set, casting a purple haze over the clearing in the village, making her shiver again. She almost didn’t care if they stayed in a pup tent.
They met back up with Dannan The Ogre who clearly knew Jon and offered to aide them in their quest to the castle.
As she hung on to Jon Doe The Stable Boy, his broad back her marker through the thickening haze of snow, she stumbled and tripped her way toward wherever they were going.
And still, even with the wind and snow lashing their faces, the bitter cold making her eyes water, this was a cakewalk compared to closing the store with Bree breathing down her neck, demanding she move faster so she could go home and play with her friends on Facebook.
For that much, she was grateful.
* * * *
Jon forced himself to remain calm, yet his heart crashed in his chest so loudly, he worried the others would hear its harsh thump. As he held Toni’s hand, helping her over logs, pushing the brush from their path, he stole glances at her.
Good realms, she was beautiful. Her hair was like fire, dancing over her slender back and resting on her rounded hips, her eyes the color of the green gemstones he and his brother once dove for during summers at the lake.
She possessed lips he wished to press his fingers to in order to discover if they were as soft and plump as he imagined.
She smelled of the breeze in the summer, a hint of honeysuckle on the vine mingling with the lavender his mother used to grow.
This Toni was intoxicating, leaving him with a tight chest and a heady heart, and he didn’t understand this feeling. One he’d never felt before.
He’d never heard of this land she claimed to hail from, but he reminded himself to consult a map the moment he could get his hands on one.
In the meantime, he had to return her to the castle—a treacherous journey to be sure. Though, possibly not for the pale goddess whose title was Nina. She’d almost made him cringe as she’d glared at him and threatened his very life, her pale skin a pretty canvass for her darkly disturbing almond-shaped eyes.
And how was it she was mother to a reindeer? It was absurd. Did this land called Jersey have a new species of reindeer he’d not encountered?
And how odd that Toni had the king’s shoes. He vaguely remembered some sort of scandal at the last ball the king held, but he paid no mind to the matters of Castle Beckett these days.
As they approached his modest cottage and stables, the glow of the warm fire inside beckoning, these were the things he pondered.
But what he pondered most heavily upon was Toni—and how he was going to simply hand over this beautiful creature to the king when the time came and why, after only just meeting her, was he left with an emotion so strong?
Chapter 4
When last I left you, dear readers, the three fair maidens and a zombie named Carl were all shopping for Christmas, full of joy and goodwill.
Okay, so not everyone was joyful over half-off scarves and maxi dresses, but you get the picture, right?
As you’ve witnessed firsthand, tragedy has struck our trio and their newfound fair maiden friend Toni. Well, mostly the tragedy centers around poor
Toni, who’s never encountered a paranormal event and is now stuck in a land with no running water, shoes that are killing her arches, and the thoroughly impossible Nina, who’s being held captive by a yellow dress, poofy hair, fledgling wings and, soon to come—singing bluebirds, circling above her head in a joyous wreath of feathers and song.
Of course, you’d never know Toni was the fair maiden in crisis, for all the caterwauling Nina’s doing. But she’ll rally—this I promise.
As the group begins their journey through the Not So Sherwood Forest toward destination Castle Beckett after a long, restless night in an unknown land, treachery and deceit await them deep in the thick of the woods.
And again, I stress, some really bad dudes will continue to come their way.
For the wrathful Queen Angria from a neighboring land, is a queen so malevolent, so cruel she’d sell her own mother’s organs at a lemonade stand, is displeased—like, spitting mad.
Just this very moment, she’s been informed that the beautiful Toni is headed toward the castle, and while she has no flying monkeys to carry out her evil bidding, she’s got a buttload of ammunition up her sleeve. And Queen Angria will stop at nothing to prevent Toni from meeting King Dick’s son, Prince Iver Daring, hottie medieval bachelor and all-round winner-winner-chicken-dinner.
In other words, major husband material for the queen’s daughter, Resplendant.
The merging of the two rulers’ kingdoms would have created the ultimate in not just prime real estate, but power, the one thing Queen Angria craves above all else.
Resplendant was promised to Prince Iver at birth. But King Dick, in all his flukey-kooky notions, has decided Resplendant isn’t the maiden for his precious firstborn. This according to his soothsayer, the Great and Wonderful Roz. For as Roz peered into her mirror guide, she saw Prince Iver’s truest love, and well…her face wasn’t Resplendant’s.
During a session of esteemed counsel, Roz suggested King Dick wait for the Christmas Eve ball, when the prince’s true love will be revealed and Iver’s fate sealed.
Of course, King Dick, wanting nothing more than true, everlasting happiness for his son, sent word he was breaking his pact with the queen. On a scroll with an official seal and everything. Which means it’s a really important message, for those of you who aren’t from the realm.
King Dick shipped Resplendant out like so much cargo. I mean, lock, stock and easily a hundred pieces of luggage right back to her furious mother’s arms.
Wow. That went over big.
Not.
Who knew the queen had so much shit to throw at the wall? It’s gonna take a team of people from Got Junk? to clean that mess up.
Anyway, Queen Angria’s grown suspicious about our newcomer Toni and her coincidental appearance in Shamalot. Could it be that hers is the visage of the fair maiden the Great and Wonderful Roz saw in her stupid mirror guide (her words, not this storytellers)? Could it be she is the true intended for the dashing prince?
Queen Angria’s decided to take no chances, and she’s handed down an edict of her own.
To her henchman.
Bring Toni to her or lose your 401K—oh and your life.
Cue evil music.
* * * *
“What the flying fuck gives, Flawless?” Nina barked, pointing upward with one hand while the other held the tattered hem of her yellow skirt. Her wings fluttered with erratic motion on her back as her lips formed a thin line.
Jon’s laughter rang through the forest, bouncing off the thick trees, their branches bowing from the heavy snow from the night before. “Bluebirds, of course, milady Nina,” he called with cheer as he saddled his horse Oliver and arranged for a village boy to tend his deer. “They help guide our way, milady.”
Nina stopped dead in her tracks and swatted at the circle of fluttering blue wings surrounding her head. They chirped a happy tune, occasionally sitting atop her hair, which, in the bluebirds’ defense, did rather resemble a nest.
“Dudes! Knock it the shit off. I can’t think with all this damn hair, the wings, and your racket!”
Toni, despite her lack of sleep, her uncomfortable shoes, and her Starbucks deficit, openly laughed. She’d woken up in Jon’s cottage at dawn and watched him as he’d gathered items for their journey to the castle, his large body moving in precise, fluid rhythm, captivating her.
Her heart had begun that wild fluttering again and her stomach had fairly tingled just looking at him.
As she’d hunkered down on the mattress made of straw he’d fashioned for her the night before, she’d tried to make sense of what was happening.
But she came up dry. Yes, she’d wished to be anywhere but the store, but why hadn’t the realm of Shamalot been listening when she’d wished for a million bucks? Or that Stas would die a heinous, painful death after what he’d done to her brother?
Was the realm like a random generator, granting requests with slipshod aim?
Stas… He was one person she didn’t have to worry about here, and waking up with that knowledge had brought her great peace this morning. It almost beat that question in Jon’s eyes when he’d informed them he didn’t know what this “coffee” they mourned was, and he didn’t have any anyway.
She could find a way to live without coffee if it meant Stas would never darken her doorstep ever again. Everything was a trade-off as far as she was concerned.
But still, the happiness part of this boggled her. How could a realm and some king know what would make her happy? And why was she being forced to collect this happiness?
Now, as they made their way through the thick forest, the muted orange of the sun poking out over the vast mountain ranges surrounding Shamalot, she wasn’t feeling as peaceful.
“So this vampire affliction you speak of,” Jon asked Nina as they traipsed deeper into the forest through thick snow and chilling winds. “I’m afraid we have none of your breed here in our land. Do tell me more, won’t you?”
Toni bit the inside of her cheek. They weren’t supposed to have vampire afflictions where she came from either.
When the three women had explained whom—or rather what—they were and this crisis hotline they ran back in New York for the accidentally paranormal called OOPS, Toni had almost fallen face first into her bowl of gruel, or broth, or whatever Jon was titling that greasy mess he’d given them for dinner.
In fact, her mind had railed fiercely against what they’d proclaimed until they’d shown both she and Jon exactly what they were capable of doing with their paranormal abilities.
Jon hadn’t blinked a gorgeous eye while she’d shivered in a corner with Carl at her feet, nuzzling her hand to soothe her. Fur flew, teeth flashed, the corner of Jon’s cottage was lifted without even a grunt. Yet, he’d taken it all in stride, and she supposed if you grew up with ogres in your midst, vampires and werewolves weren’t such a stretch.
But for her? A plain old human? It was like watching a TV show come to life—special effects and all.
But then hello. She was in a place called Shamalot with the hottest guy to walk the planet, no phones, no electricity, no Internet, wearing a pair of purple shoes she’d inherited from some sloshed witch, and now she was on her merry way to a castle to find a happy ending.
The absurd really exists, Scully.
Yet, that wasn’t what she took away from their dinner conversations as Jon had blown out candles nestled in lanterns and they’d all settled in for the night.
What had stuck—or maybe the better description would be impressed her—was how much these women cared for each other. It went deep. You’d never know it by the way Marty and Nina bickered, but there’d been no denying Nina would have taken on Dannan for her friend, had he proven a foe.
While she stared in utter awe like some lovesick teenager at him, they’d shared tales of their crisis hotline adventures with Jon, who had some equally outlandish tales of dragon chasing and fairy catching, and what had stood out the most were the women’s enduring friendships. This bond t
hey and their immediate families shared.
They were all fused together in one way or another by their paranormal accidents, but that they’d chosen to stay together, that they laughed about their alleged trips to Hell and genies in bottles as though they were nothing more than road trips to Vegas, made Toni feel very alone in the world.
She realized it didn’t matter where she was. Jersey or Shamalot, she was entirely alone. That stung just a little this bright morning.
“So, how are we this cold but lovely day, fair maiden Toni?” Wanda asked, looping her arm through hers. “You’ve had a lot to digest.”
Remorse pained her heart and guilt ate at her gut. “I’m really sorry about this, Wanda. Taking you from your families, especially at Christmas. They’ll be worried sick, and it’s not like we can call them or send a message to let them know you’re all right. Who’d have ever guessed throwing a random thought like that into the universe would produce this?”
Wanda patted her arm, her pretty smile clear and bright, her wings especially festive this morning. “I told you, we specialize in situations of this nature. It’s why we come off so unaffected. Marty wasn’t lying when she said we’ve seen some things.”
“How do you guys feel? I mean, okay, maybe you’ve had a crisis or ten, but usually the crisis is about someone else. Not you. You have wings because of me.” Wings. Wanda had wings. She instantly apologized again. “I’m sorry. So, so sorry.”
“Oh c’mon. I have wings! I also have an amazing gown and hair so big I could probably joust with it. It’s every childhood wish come true. They make me a little giddy, to be honest. And this isn’t your fault, Toni. But I’m a firm believer everything happens for a reason. Care to share your reason?”
She swallowed hard, forcing one foot in front of the other as Dannan cleared a path for them with his large feet. “I can’t think of any offhand. I was just having a bad day at the store is all.”
“Ahh. You’re not ready yet. I understand, but I want you to know, when you are, we’ll listen.”
Accidentally Ever After (Accidentally Paranormal Novel Book 11) Page 5
