D&P20 - Death's Jest-Book

by Reginald Hill

  'Why so?' he said.

  'Because Lorelei's that German-stuff he messes with, and because he hates me and Rye, and because I've got a description ... oh hell!'

  'Well well well! What's this? A wounded heroes' conference? It's purple hearts all round! And mine's a pint!'

  Andy Dalziel had burst through the barroom door, radiating more geniality than a Harrods Santa Claus, but Hat Bowler flinched away from the glow like a scientist in the presence of a reactor gone critical.

  How could this be? he asked himself aghast. Hadn't he in his cleverness rung the station and established that Pascoe was in court and the Fat Man wasn't expected back from lunch with the Chief before dusk, leaving the way clear for him to buttonhole Wield in the Bull?

  What Bowler hadn't made allowances for was that chief constables earned their extra thousands by being even cleverer than detective constables. Dan Trimble, knowing from experience that lunch with Dalziel could blend imperceptibly into high tea then supper, had arranged to be bleeped by his secretary. The bleep had come with their puddings, the meal already having begun to stretch, but the loss of a creme brulee seemed a small price to pay for an early escape. He made a brief phone call, put on a concerned look, then explained with much apology that urgent business required his instant return to his office. 'No need for you to rush, Andy,' he said as he rose. 'Enjoy your pudding. Have a drink with your coffee. I'll leave the bill open.'

  Trimble was a decent man and it was guilt that made him utter these words, but the guilt even of a decent man is a delicate flower and his had faded before he reached his car, leaving him asking himself, aghast, 'Did I really say that?'

  Behind him Dalziel finished his bread and butter pudding, sampled the Chief's creme brulee, ordered two more with the comment, 'Tell the chef this is nice nosh, only he don't give a man enough to put in his eye!' then, washing down his Stilton with a large port, he applied himself to the serious business of choosing what malt to drink while his coffee went cold.

  Despite this he was on his way back to the station at half past two, which was a lot earlier than he'd anticipated. He was in a taxi, having gone to the restaurant in the Chief's official car, and thinking it a shameful thing for a man to have no better place to go to on an afternoon he'd regarded as taken care of than his place of work, he commanded the driver to divert to the Black Bull.

  He paid off the cab with a generous tip which went down on the receipt he collected to send to Trimble's office for reimbursement. The thought of the Chief's face when he saw it (hopefully at the same time as he registered the extra creme brulees and the malts) had filled him with a delight which had bubbled over into his somewhat over-effusive reaction at the sight of Hat Bowler.

  'What did I say, Wieldy?' he went on. 'Out of his hospital bed and into his lass's, he'll be so full of vim, he'll not be able to wait to get back to work! Isn't that what I said?'

  'Not as such’ said Wield, observing that young Bowler, once Dalziel's bete noir, did not seem delighted at his apparent upgrading to palace favourite, even though it was in the presence of Novello, his main rival for the spot. She had returned from the bar with Dalziel's drink. To get Wield's, she'd had to wait her turn, but at the sight of Dalziel, Jolly Jack, the lugubrious landlord, had pulled a pint in a reaction worth a Pavlovian paper.

  'There's that not as such again, Wieldy,' reproved the Fat Man, sinking into a chair and taking his glass from Novello.

  He drank half of it like a traveller in an antique land who hadn't seen liquid for many a hot day, and said, Thanks, Ivor. Now what's the crack?'

  Wield hesitated. He'd already begun to suss there was something not quite right about this burglary report. The youngster had escorted his girlfriend home after what had been (if Wield read the signs right) a sexually and emotionally successful holiday and had found her flat had been burgled. Naturally, being a DC, the boy would have promised to kick-start a thorough CID investigation. Which a phone call would have done. Instead of which Bowler had turned up at the Bull and, what was even odder, a couple of hours must have lapsed since the burglary.

  There were other things too, and Wield would have been happy to let the full story emerge at the DC's own pace. But now the case was altered.

  He said, 'DC Bowler was just reporting a burglary to me, sir.'

  'Ee, that's champion. On the job, off the job, back on the job, all in the twinkle of an eye. That's the stuff a good detective's made of. So, fill me in, lad.'

  With all the enthusiasm of a politician admitting a bribe, Hat began his story again.

  Dalziel soon interrupted, picking up points Wield had not yet commented upon.

  'So nowt taken. She says. You believe her?'

  'Of course.' Indignantly. 'Why should she lie?'

  'Summat she was embarrassed by. Sex aids. Pictures of her six illegitimate kids. Summat she didn't care to tell a cop about. Bag of shit. Bundles of used notes she'd got on the black and wasn't going to let on to the Revenue about. Summat she didn't want her employers to hear about. Expensive books she'd liberated from the reference library. Why should a woman lie about anything, lad? Mebbe just because they've got a talent for it! Am I right or am I right, Ivor?'

  Shirley Novello said, 'You know I think you're always right about everything, sir.'

  Dalziel looked at her suspiciously, then his face lit up and he exploded into laughter.

  'There, young Bowler, see what I mean! Fortunately us fellows have got a talent for sussing out lies, or ought to have. So, I'll ask you again. You believe your lass?'

  'Yes’ said Hat sullenly.

  ‘That your head or your hormones speaking?'

  'My head.'

  'Grand. No sign of forced entry, you say?'

  'Couple of little scratches round the lock, but nothing positive.'

  'Never mind, we'll know for sure when we take the lock to pieces.'

  Hat looked even more unhappy, but the Fat Man was in full spate.

  'So, just this message on her computer then. OK, what's it say?'

  'Bye bye Lorelei.'

  'Lorelei? What's that? Hang about. Weren't Lorelei the name of someone in a film

  'Gentlemen Prefer Blondes. Marilyn Monroe,' said Wield.

  'You been checking on the opposition, Wieldy? Lovely girl. Shame about yon fellow.'

  Whether Dalziel's objection was to baseball players, playwrights or Kennedys wasn't clear, nor about to be made so as he pressed on. 'So what's its significance here? Come on, lad. Don't tell me you've not got a theory. When I were your age I had as many theories as I had erections, and I couldn't go upstairs on a bus without getting an erection.'

  Hat took a deep breath and said, 'Well, sir, Lorelei's a sort of water nymph in this German fairy tale. There's this big rock or cliff on the Rhine, that's called the Lorelei too, and she sits there singing, and it's so beautiful that fishermen sailing by get distracted listening to her and run their boats on the rock and drown.'

  'Used to feel like that about Doris Day’ said Dalziel. 'Sounds like one of them sirens.'

  'They're Greek I think, sir’ said Wield.

  'All in the bloody European Union, aren't they?' said the Fat Man, his geniality beginning to fade like morning dew. Airy-fairyness he could put up with from his DCI when more down to earth approaches were looking unproductive, but it wasn't something he encouraged in DCs making preliminary reports about burglaries. 'So we're into a German fairy tale now. Hope it's got a happy ending, lad.'

  Bowler, who was beginning to learn that life with Dalziel meant having to put up with four injustices before breakfast, pressed on manfully.

  'I looked it up. Seems this German poet, Heine, wrote a poem about this Lorelei

  'Hold on. This yon Heinz that Charley Penn's always going on about?' said Dalziel suspiciously.

  'Heine, yes’ said Hat.

  'I thought I heard you mention Charley when I came into the room’ said Dalziel. 'I hope this isn't leading where I think it's leading?'

 
It was time to get this out in the open, thought Wield.

  He said, 'Yes, sir, DC Bowler was just telling me of three links he made putting Penn in the frame. The message was one, the second was . . . remind me, Hat.'

  'Because he hates Rye, and me’ said Bowler.

  'Charley Penn hates every bugger’ said Dalziel. 'What makes you two so special?'

  'Because we were both involved in the death of his best friend, Dick Dee’ said Hat defiantly. 'I'm sure he doesn't believe Dee was the Wordman. And he reckons that I killed Dee because I was jealous that he was getting it off with Rye, and that the pair of us covered it up by fitting Dee up with responsibility for the Wordman killings. And you all went along with it because it meant you could tell the media you'd got the bastard’

  Now Dalziel was right out of Santa Claus mode.

  'You reckon that's what Charley thinks?' he said. 'He's not said it to me, but you'll know that, seeing he's not walking round with his head shoved up his arse. Wieldy?'

  'He said some pretty way-out things to start with,' admitted the sergeant. 'But since then I've not heard him sounding off.'

  'That could be because he thinks it's pointless making a fuss and he's planning to do something,' said Hat.

  'Like breaking into your girlfriend's flat?' said Dalziel. •Why?'

  'Looking for something to support his story, I suppose. Or maybe he thought he'd find her there and . . .' Hat tailed off, not wanting to encourage them to follow him down the alleys of his more lurid imaginings.

  Then, seeing the scepticism on their faces, he burst out, 'And he was round there a couple of days ago, I'm ninety-nine per cent sure of it. I went and knocked at some doors in Church View. And I got two witnesses, Mrs Gilpin who lives on one side of Rye and Mrs Rogers on the other. They both saw a strange man outside Rye's flat last Saturday morning, and the description they gave fits Charley Penn to a T.'

  This was stretching things a bit. True, Mrs Gilpin, a voluble lady who had lived in the block long enough to regard it as her personal fiefdom, had described a skulking villainous creature who with only a little prompting had been shaped into Penn. But Mrs Rogers, a younger but much more retiring woman, had at first said that, having only just moved in, she didn't really know which people she saw were residents, which visitors. At this point Mrs Gilpin, who unbeknown to Hat had followed him to Mrs Rogers' door, came in with a graphic description which the other woman, perhaps in self-defence, admitted put her in mind of someone she thought she might have seen perhaps on Saturday morning. Upon which Hat, fearful that the sound of Mrs Gilpin's voice, which a town-crier would not have been ashamed to own, might bring Rye to her door, had swiftly brought the interviews to a conclusion.

  Wield's face didn't show much, but his words made it clear he was starting to feel annoyed.

  'You're admitting that you discovered a crime and, instead of ringing it in and getting a proper investigation under way, you wasted time poking around, disturbing the ground and probably making sure anything you did find will get tagged as inadmissible in court?'

  'No, Sarge. Well, yes, in a way. But not really.'

  'We'll be into not-as-such land just now,' said Dalziel. 'I'm a fair man, young Bowler, and I'll not see someone hanged without giving him a chance for an explanation, so why don't you have a stab at one while I tie this knot?'

  'The thing is, there isn't a crime, sir. I mean, there's a crime, but there isn't a complaint. Rye, Miss Pomona, says she doesn't want to pursue it.'

  Now all was clear to Wield. The love-sick lad's investigation had to be unofficial because officially there was nothing to investigate. He'd come to the Bull in search of a sympathetic ear, and while the sergeant felt faintly flattered that he'd been the sympathetic ear that Hat had come in search of, he wondered what it was the boy had expected him to do. Nothing, possibly. Maybe the sympathy would have been enough.

  Dalziel said, 'Well, God's jocks, now I've heard it all. Wasting police time on a load of nowt

  I'm still on sick leave, sir, so it's my own time I'm wasting,' snapped Hat unwisely.

  'I'm not talking about your sodding time, which I agree isn't worth much,' grated Dalziel. 'I'm talking about my time, which is worth millions, and the sergeant's time, which is worth quite a lot. Tell me this, lad. You're quick enough to spout accusations against Penn. You find something bad about your girl, you going to be as quick letting us know?'

  Hat did not answer.

  'Right. Then sod off out of here and next time I see you, bedtime 'ull be over and I'll not make allowances.'

  Hat, blank faced, only a certain rigidity around the shoulders indicating any feeling, left, not closing the door behind him because he didn't trust himself not to slam it.

  The Fat Man glowered after him then redirected the glower at Shirley Novello.

  'Let that be a lesson to you, lass.'

  'Yes, sir. What about, sir?'

  'About the price of tea, what d'you think? And while you're at it, what do you think?'

  'I think being in love doesn't necessarily make a man stupid, sir.'

  'Aye, but it helps mebbe. You not got any work to do, lass?'

  'Yes. What about you?' was the answer that orbited Novello's mind without getting anywhere near escape velocity. She was also wondering, being the kind of cop who could think of several things at the same time, whether she should mention the broken vase containing the ashes of Pomona's twin brother. Hat had mentioned this as he poured out the story to her, and maybe her raised eyebrow reaction had kept it out of the version he gave both Wield and Dalziel. Probably wise. She shuddered to think what the Fat Man would have made of it. As for herself, the questions to answer were, was it relevant? And was there any professional advantage in revealing it?

  Answer to both at the moment was, not so far as she could see.

  'Just going, sir,' she said. And went.

  'So, Wieldy, what do you make of it?'

  The sergeant shrugged, 'Owt or nowt, sir.'

  'Aye. Owt or nowt’ said Dalziel thoughtfully. ‘I’ll have a word with Penn. You watch Bowler, OK? I think the bugger's given me indigestion. I'd best have another pint.'

  Wield took the hint and stood up. When he returned, the Fat Man was eating his pie.

  'Glad to see that lunch with the Chief hasn't spoilt your appetite, sir,' he said.

  'Watch it! Sarcasm I'll take from buggers with letters after their name, they can't help it. But sergeants ought to talk as plain as they look.'

  This looked like a cue, so Wield told him about the Praesidium heist tip.

  'Bit vague. No names? Times? Details?'

  'No, sir.'

  'Source reliable?'

  'Can't say, sir. This is a first.'

  'Aye, but in your judgment?'

  Wield considered then said, 'Don't think they'd deliberately jerk me around, but that doesn't mean they're not just trying to impress.'

  'And how much did this excuse for a tip-off cost us?' said Dalziel.

  'Nothing. Down to civic duty.'

  'Oh, aye? Don't see much of that these days. Not getting yourself a fan club, are you, Wieldy?' said Dalziel, shooting him that keen glance which was one of the few missiles Wield did not feel his inscrutable features a complete defence against.

  'Just came up in casual conversation,' he said.

  'Bit too bloody casual for me. Not till Friday, but? That gives you time to see if you can get a bit of flesh on your new chum's bones then. By God, this pie's good. Jack must've changed his barber. You not eating, Wieldy?'

  'No, sir. Things to do. See you back at the station.' He rose, intending to make a dash for the door, when it opened and Pascoe came in.

  'My God,' said Dalziel. 'What's up wi' thee? You look like a hen that got shagged by an ostrich and feels an egg coming on. And why aren't you in court?'

  'Postponed till Wednesday. Belchamber says his client's too ill to attend. Reckons he's got this Kung Flu.' 'Kung arseholes! And the beak bought it?' 'Belchamber produced
a doctor's certificate. But give the beak his due, he said, "All right, same time Wednesday, but take notice, Mr Belchamber. If your client is still too ill to attend, we shall proceed in his absence." Which got an unctuous reassurance and a little apologetic glance in my direction. There's something about that bastard ... I need a drink.'

  'I'll have one with you. Man shouldn't drink alone.' The Fat Man watched Pascoe go to the bar, then said, 'Don't often see Pete letting someone rattle his cage, not unless he's called Roote. What do you think, Wieldy? Yon greaseball Belchamber up to summat?'

  'Wouldn't know, sir.'

  'Why not? He's one of yours, isn't he?'

  'Meaning gay?' said Wield unfazed. 'Wouldn't surprise me, but it doesn't mean we meet in the Turkish baths and exchange confidences. How about you in the Gents, sir?'

  This was a good riposte, but not a counter accusation. 'The Gents' was short for the Mid-Yorkshire Gentlemen's Club, of which Dalziel was a member mainly because so many people had wanted to blackball him.

  'Most on 'em think the sun shines out of his arse’ said Dalziel. 'Wankers. Couldn't separate steak from kidney in a pudding.'

  Wield looked sadly at the few crumbs of his pie remaining on the plate, then took his leave once more and made for the door. Pascoe returned from the bar with two pints. Normally he Wasn't much of a beer drinker at lunchtime, but the Belcher left a nasty taste.

  As he sat down he said, 'Sir. I've been thinking . . .'

  'Sod thinking. Try drinking. All things come to him who sups.'

  Pascoe raised his glass.

  'For once, sir,' he said, 'you may be right. Kill all the lawyers!'

  'I'll drink to that,' said Dalziel.

  5

  The Cemetery

  Dusk comes early even on the brightest December day and when the clouds sag low like dusty drapes over an abandoned bier, there's never much more light than you'll catch in the gloaming of a dead man's eyes.

  So though it was not yet four o'clock, the streetlamps of Peg Lane were already kindling as Rye Pomona slipped out of Church View.

  Under her arm she carried a Hoover bag.