by Hart, Eve R.
Sometimes I got the feeling that there were hints of more. Hints of something I couldn’t quite explain. I saw a sadness in his words sometimes and I was desperate to comfort him even though I was so far away.
Perhaps, with all those little hints I thought I saw, I had big hopes that I’d come home to the man that I remembered. But that was not so. He barely said anything to me that first night and since then, I had only seen him in passing when I went and joined everyone for dinner at the compound.
I didn’t want to be hurt by it but I was. If only I could talk to him.
“Hey,” I said to Chris as I came out to the main area to, unsurprisingly, find him chopping up things for dinner.
I loved this house. The layout was absolutely perfect. The bedrooms were separate, with mine and Chry’s being on the main level and Chris and Ky had the whole upstairs for theirs. The rest of the living area was open, the kitchen, dining area and living room practically one big, open room. The best part, I could see the ocean pretty much any way I turned because the back of the house was nothing but huge windows. The house was right on the beach, with no other houses to obstruct the view. So no matter if I was sitting on the couch, or cooking dinner, or enjoying a lovely meal, the ocean was always there to give me a sense of calm that I got from it.
“Hey,” he replied back with a smile and it made the troubles in my head quiet down.
“Can I help?” I asked and moved in to do so without waiting for his reply.
“Will you check the sauce?” He gave me a nod like he knew that was what I was moving to do.
I lifted the lid and the aroma of garlic and onions and tomatoes hit my nose instantly. It had my mouth watering and my stomach might have rumbled.
Ky wasn’t home yet and I took advantage of this time to talk to Chris.
“Is everything alright with Mouse?” I blurted out because I could no longer hold it in.
Chris turned to me and his face held a smirk and a raised brow.
“Tell me the truth, Chris. I need to know,” I said not even bothering to hide anything.
That was what was great about Chris, I felt like I could talk to him about anything.
“And why is that?”
That was a good question.
I was always honest with him and I didn’t want to change that now.
“While I was away, I wrote to him. Sometimes he wrote me back.” I let out a little, huffed laugh. I hadn’t told Chris about the letters before, I wasn’t sure why I hadn’t. But I guess I was telling him now. I hoped he wasn’t going to make a big deal about it. “Actually, it took a long time for him to start writing me back. I’m not sure what I was expecting, but he has kind of been a little standoffish since I’ve been back. I haven’t really seen much of him.”
Chris inhaled deeply. After holding it in for a moment, he slowly let it out.
I didn’t know what that meant.
“Honestly, I’m not really sure what is up with him lately.”
My shoulders sagged at his words. I wanted more than anything to make sure Mouse was doing alright. Like he had done for me many times.
“He seems to be going through something but I don’t have a clue what. He’s…”
“He’s what?” I asked a little too eagerly.
“He’s been a little distant.” Chris set down the knife he was using to cut the lettuce for a salad, I assumed. “Look, Ingram. I don’t want to shelter you and treat you like you can’t handle things, but sometimes there are things I can’t talk to you about. Things Ky can’t talk to you about.”
I blinked at him.
Dr. Walsher’s words and worries came floating into my head. The ones she’d said in our last session.
“Does this have to do with the club?” I asked.
“Yeah,” he told me bluntly.
While I didn’t let myself admit it, I had this deep feeling like the club wasn’t simply just a bunch of guys that liked to ride bikes.
In fact, though we’d never talked about it in great detail, I suspected that Ky had killed our parents and Timothy that night. I should have felt a little saddened by the fact that the man that was Chry’s father would never meet his son, but when I ran from that place, I knew I’d never want Timothy in our lives, ever.
Did I think less of him for it? I didn’t think so. I didn’t even hate him for it. The moment I decided to run from that place, I left them behind. And now that I had more knowledge of how wrongly I had been raised, I didn’t even feel sad about it.
I wasn’t sure what that made me but I also didn’t care.
“Were things not good while I was gone?” I asked.
Chris stayed silent for a long time, his eyes a little unfocused.
“No, Ingram, they weren’t.” There was a thickness in his tone and I knew he was sad and maybe a little mad about the things that had happened.
“But you can’t talk about it?” I asked because I was trying to understand it all.
“No, I can’t talk about it. I won’t. And neither will Ky or anyone else,” he answered as his eyes looked into mine. There was a softness there and I knew he wasn’t mad at me. In fact, I got the feeling that he kind of hated the fact that he couldn’t tell me about it. “There are things you need to know…”
“About the club?” I asked before he could try to finish. I could tell he was struggling a little. I didn’t want to make him feel uncomfortable but at the same time, I kind of needed to know the rules of this world. Which sounded weird, but I think that I understood the club life was different from the rest of the world. And since this was my home, I needed to know all about it.
“Yes,” he answered.
So then he filled me in on the whole thing. Basically, there are a lot of things that will never be said out loud. Many things that I will never know. The club was first and foremost a group of brothers and only ones inside that inner circle would ever know everything. People like Chris, Cami, Laurel, and myself were considered family but ‘club business’ was never discussed with us. He didn’t outright say it, but I suspected that the Steel Paragons Motorcycle Club was possibly into things that might have been considered illegal in this world.
Maybe I wasn’t as blind as I thought I was because I had this feeling that the club didn’t exactly play by the rules of normal society.
But did that make them bad? I didn’t think so. I saw how kind they were to me. I saw the love they had for everyone they surrounded themselves with. So how could they be bad?
This stuff was confusing at times.
Rules were in place to keep things running smoothly, or that was what I had grown up believing. Only, now I could see that some rules were made to be broken.
“There were some things that went down while you were gone,” Chris told me after he had gone over everything. I blinked at him still trying to process it all. “Ky and I tried to shield you from it as best as we could, but it got really bad there for a while.”
“Have… have they killed people?” I asked.
Chris gave me a look that told me he wouldn’t ever say the answer out loud. Which told me all that I needed to know.
“Ky has…? Mouse has…?” My brows drew together as I realized what I’d probably known all along.
“To protect,” Chris said as his hand came to rest on my shoulder. “To save.”
I repeated his statements under my breath.
I nodded my head like I understood.
It wasn’t a false jester, I really did process it in a way that I understood the reasons behind it.
“Are things better for them now?” I asked after a moment of silence.
“For now, yes,” he answered which told me that at any moment things could change.
“It is a lot to take in,” I said with a nervous laugh.
“It is,” he agreed with me and then his arms were wrapping me up in a comforting hug. “But I think since you’re here now, you need to know. And I believe you can handle it. You’re not as fragile as you th
ink you are, Ingram.”
His lips landed on my forehead right before he stepped away from me and went back to chopping.
I stood there, blindly stirring the pasta sauce as I mulled over his words in my head.
What I came to realize was that I was still thankful to have all of these people in my life. That despite all the things I’d just learned, I was still lucky and happy. I felt safe here and I think that what Chris told me only made that feeling grow stronger.
I did not regret even for a second coming back here.
This place was my home, even now that my eyes were opened all the way.
CHAPTER SIX
Ingram
“I have a job,” I squealed with excitement as I ran into the kitchen at the compound.
I’d already stopped by the shop to tell Ky. He was excited for me but he also seemed a little hesitant. But I knew he wasn’t going to stand in my way even if all he saw was his baby sister when he looked at me.
Cami and Laurel jumped up and ran over to me. Tossing their arms around me at the same time, they shared my excitement.
They were the best girls anyone could have in their lives. I was sure of that. And since I’d met Bridget, Abigail, and Claire briefly, I knew I’d have an amazing support system here.
I was glad I’d come back here.
Home.
Even if I’d been nervous about it, I knew this was where my heart truly belonged.
Chry squealed with excitement from his highchair across the room. I walked over to him and scooped him up in my arms not caring that I was taking him away from his snack. He didn’t seem to care either as he rubbed his little nose on my cheek and threw his arms around my neck.
Cami got me a cup of coffee and we all settled down at the table. Chry reached for the cut up grapes on his tray as I placed him on my lap. As I shifted to move closer to his tray, he snatched up a piece and shoved it into his mouth.
“Tell us all about it,” Cami said with a huge smile. It was almost as if she was as excited as I was. Which, I felt it in my heart.
“It’s this cute little grocery store. All organic and natural stuff. Everyone there is so nice and I’m so happy to get the job. The manager is so relaxed.” I beamed with pride over my newest accomplishment. “The best thing is that they close at six, and the manager assured me that I wouldn’t be there any later than seven.”
I was happy that I’d be able to put Chry to bed every night. That was honestly the best part.
I had been torn about the whole job thing. While Ky and Chris told me that I didn’t need to get one right away, or at all, actually, I felt like I needed to stand on my own two feet. I was so grateful that they’d taken me and Chry in, but at some point, I had to find a way to make a life by myself— or at least be able to help out with my part of the bills and food. I wasn’t their responsibility and neither was Chry. If I didn’t get a job then what had those two years spent away been for?
As much as I loved my big brothers, I knew I couldn’t stay with Chris and Ky forever. They had a life ahead of them and so did I. After all, Ky had proposed to Chris, and that told me that they planned on spending the rest of their lives together. They didn’t need me around making added stress to their happiness. As it was, I knew they were trying to keep their private time quiet. Which, I had a feeling wasn’t really them.
So, I wanted to stand on my feet as much and as quickly as possible. Ky deserved all the good in his life. After all the stuff he’d been through, he deserved it all. Oh, and Chris, he was the best man I’d ever met. He was kind and caring. He had the biggest heart and I was happy that Ky had put his claim on it. Finally.
I truly believed everything was falling into place the way it was supposed to be.
“That sounds perfect for you,” Cami said and her eyes danced with happiness for me.
“What are you going to do with Chry while you’re at work?” Laurel asked and I knew she wasn’t trying to be negative. She was pulling that big sister card, always looking out for everything.
“I need to look into daycares,” I said and even though I knew it was coming, an uneasiness washed through me.
I wasn’t all that sure about strangers watching my sweet baby boy while I worked. I knew it might come to this and there was no way around it. Millions of people did it every day.
When I was at the farm, I had a huge support system. I’d had time to get to know everyone and become comfortable with them before I let Chry alone in their care. They had told me that it probably wouldn’t be that way when I left, so I understood that. Only, now that it was time, I felt this strange pit in my gut.
“I don’t suppose you know of any good ones?” I asked with an odd laugh. They didn’t have kids, and I knew the answer even before it passed my lips.
“We’ll help you out when we can,” Laurel jumped in, her hand landing on my shoulder in a comforting way. “And we’ll also help you research a good daycare, if it comes to that.”
“Thank you,” I said and my head bowed in a thankful manner. It sounded like she wasn’t all that thrilled about the idea either which gave me hope that this all might work out somehow.
“We have your back, Ingram,” Cami added and I relaxed as my head raised to see the smile on her face.
“We have to celebrate this,” Laurel said as her back went straight as a pole with excitement.
“I sent Chris a text message and he said he is cooking me a special dinner,” I told them. “Come. I’ll let him know.”
Laurel and Cami exchanged looks and then nodded to me with happy smiles.
“We should see if Bridget will come too. I think Claire has to work. And Abigail… we all know she will stay here and cook.”
I didn’t argue with Laurel’s statement. I had been around enough to see that Abigail took her role here at the club seriously. Though, I got the feeling it was more of a self-made role that she’d felt the need to follow through with.
I got to my feet, shifting Chry in my arms as I did so.
“I’ll head home and let Chris know. Thank you for watching this little guy while I went to the interview,” I told them.
“No problem,” Laurel answered. “Let us know if we can bring anything.”
I nodded then made my way out of the kitchen.
I was almost out of the front door to the clubhouse when I nearly ran into Mouse, quite literally.
“Shit,” he said as his hands went to my shoulders to keep me steady. His eyes screwed shut tightly as he realized it was me and Chry.
I took a step back to give him some space but strangely, his steps followed mine. The door crashed closed behind him but our eyes remained locked on one another's.
With him this close, my skin felt like it was buzzing. I wasn’t all that sure what I meant but I knew I’d never felt it around anyone else.
“Hi,” I managed to breathe out.
His eyes stayed locked onto mine. They were so rich and chocolate brown, but there was a hardness there that I was not used to.
I hadn’t seen much of him and we hadn’t spoken more than two words to each other since the night of my coming back celebration at the beach house. Even then, he had felt distant.
As I gazed up at him, I felt like I didn’t really know this man. No, this was not the same one that held me and comforted me two years ago when I was so scared. This was not the same man that was in that room with me when I brought precious life into this world.
Something had happened while I was gone and the change was noticeable.
“M-mmm,” Chry said wiggling in my arms. It was enough to snap me out of my trance of trying to figure out what had gone wrong.
Chry’s little body bounced with excitement as his arms reached out for Mouse.
The moment Mouse shifted his gaze to Chry, the world went right again. That look I knew. That kind softness in his eyes was right where it was supposed to be. His wide smile was more blinding than the sun. Happiness. That was the look I remembered on him so well.<
br />
“Hey, little guy,” Mouse said to Chry. There was no hesitation as Mouse scooped him out of my struggling arms and tossed him up in the air only to catch him again.
I stood there stunned taking it all in. As Chry squealed with excitement, I couldn’t hold the smile from my face even if I tried.
“What did you do all day?” Mouse asked Chry as he held him close. So strong. So protective.
I shook my head willing those thoughts to leave my mind.
But that was him. That was the Mouse that I knew.
Kind.
Caring.
Calm.
Fiercely protective over the ones he loved and cared for.
“You doing good?” he asked and I felt my body jump a little.
“I am well,” I answered with a small smile. “How are you?”
“Okay,” he said and I knew he’d never lie to me. His answer was all too telling. Simple, but I caught the unsaid things in his tone. But before I could press for more, he spoke again. “Headin’ out?”
“Oh, yes.” My eyes blinked rapidly as I tried to remember what it was that I was going to do. “I just landed myself a job. Chris is cooking dinner to celebrate.”
“Wow. Well, congratulations.” The smile was there on his face but it felt halfhearted. “What about this guy?”
“I haven’t worked all that out yet. The truth is, I didn’t think I’d get something this soon. I’d only just begun to look. I have two weeks to figure it out.” I let out a short, nervous laugh.
His mouth opened like he wanted to say something but then he quickly snapped it shut.
“Well, that’s a good thing though, right?” he asked but I knew there was more he wanted to say.
“Yes, thank you. We should get going. I want to make sure Chris doesn’t need any help.” I reached for Chry as I spoke but Mouse only turned on his heels with Chry still in his arms.
“This one yours?” he asked heading to the only car that was parked in front of the compound.
“Yes. I worked hard and bought it while I was… away. It’s used but has good safety ratings.”
Mouse nodded as he pulled open the back door and settled Chry into the car seat. A moment later, he straightened up and I took a peek to make sure he’d done the buckles right. I shouldn’t have been surprised that he had, Mouse was that kind of guy.
