by Lisa N. Paul
His indifference stung as she pulled the door closed behind her. He didn’t even turn his head to look at me, she thought. It amazed her how completely attracted to him she remained, even after all this time, yet he was able to act like she didn’t exist. He was able to sleep with all of these other women while she barely noticed other men unless she was serving them from behind the bar. That’s why she refused to even think about the night they shared recently.
God, that night.
He’d opened up to her in a way he never had before. She’d fallen asleep with him at her back, wrapped in his warmth—his heartbeat in time with hers. Although, just before the sunlight of the morning painted the room, she’d known she needed to get away from him. There was no way in hell she would be able to treat that night like it was nothing. She wouldn’t be able to trivialize it—to make it a casual evening that could be forgotten in the daylight like the rest of his flings.
So she’d done what she’d trained herself to do. She’d pushed it down and made like it never happened. Yes, it looked like he wanted to discuss it every day since, but there was no way she’d be able to tolerate any, “Thanks for listening, I’m glad we’re friends,” bullshit from Ryan Baker. Or worse, what if he wanted to take things further? She couldn’t handle a relationship any more than she could handle rejection.
Yep, bury it, Ashley.
Bury it all.
Chucks Not Heels
“THAT MOTHERFUCKER! THAT’S it—he’s getting the nut cracker!” Ashley shouted over the blaring music at The Sombrero. Janie sucked down her margarita, sans salt, as Ashley angrily swallowed another tequila shot. The liquid left a trail of fire as it found its way down to her stomach. She listened as Janie filled her in on her accidental run-in with Max earlier that evening at Chopper’s. She felt horrible for her friend. While Ashley didn’t know all of Max’s history, she knew enough. Janie was fighting an uphill battle, and Ashley wasn’t sure if it was a battle that any woman could win.
“We’ll have another round, please,” Janie said gesturing to the bartender who quickly filled their orders. Ashley slung back another shot, feeling the sweet alcohol-induced clarity creeping over her thoughts.
“I mean, I know what his fucking problem is,” Ashley blurted, her speech slightly slurred. “We all do.” Her gaze went from her empty shot glass to Janie’s inquisitive eyes. When her brain finally caught up with her mouth she wanted to kick herself. She wasn’t one to gossip, and she certainly didn’t tell other people’s secrets and Max Delucca was chock full of them.
“Fuck, Janie, don’t ask. I’m buzzed and if you ask me right now I’ll talk, and it’s not my story to tell.” Biting the side of her lip, she downed the full tequila shot. How did that glass keep refilling? “I’m a…I’m just gonna go to the ladies room. I’ll be right back.” She slapped a big kiss on Janie’s head and shuffled to the bathroom.
“Yeah, Dad, it was good catching up with you too. I’m sorry we didn’t get to talk on Sunday night. Things got crazy here.” Ryan smiled at the sound of his father’s voice. “No, Ash is fine, Dad. Don’t worry about her. Tell me more about Nina.”
It had been years since he’d heard the true happiness that was unmistakable in the older man’s tone. Ryan spent a few more minutes listening to his dad marvel on about his new “lady friend” as he referred to her, when the screen on his cell phone told him Janie Silver was calling. “Listen, Dad, I need to grab this call. I’ll touch base with you on Sunday. Yeah, I love you too, Dad. Bye.” He disconnected the call before answering the other with, “Hey Janie, is everything okay?” Nervousness jabbed at his gut when he heard the hesitation in his friend’s voice.
“I’m sorry, Ryan. This was my fault and I hate to call you, but you know Ashley, and if I suggest a cab, she’ll just try and drive herself home.” Ryan could hear the mixture of guilt and complete understanding in Janie’s voice as she explained the predicament. She had Ashley pegged.
“Yeah, well, you know Ash, she’s as stubborn as they come.” Ryan could practically hear Leo saying, ‘She’s stubborn Ryan, stubborn both ways…’
“Janie, I’m gonna come down there and pick her up. Just keep her distracted and don’t tell her you called me or she’ll run like a bat outta hell, okay?” Janie apologized once more for bothering him and thanked him for his help before disconnecting the call. It still puzzled him that his friends couldn’t see how much he loved Ashley. It made him want to scream. Why couldn’t they understand that he would always be there for her? Grabbing his keys, he ignored the little voice in the back of his head reminding him of the revolving door of women constantly entering and exiting his life and his bed.
Ashley made her way—gingerly—back to her bar stool from the ladies room. She would never admit it to anyone but she was definitely more than a little buzzed. She’d used the time away from Janie to get her head on straight, to make certain that she wouldn’t spill anything that would cause harm to Janie and Max’s relationship, while still being able to give solid advice to her friend. That was not an easy task to do with five shots of tequila and two margaritas running through her system.
“Look, Janie, I realize you’ve both been through a lot of shit, but here you are ready to try again…” As the words left her mouth, Ashley realized that even though she was the one giving the advice, Janie was the one teaching the lesson. Janie had been hurt before yet here she was placing her heart on a silver platter for Max Delucca, a man who had repeatedly thrown it back in her face.
That was the moment Ashley really understood just how brave Janie really was, but she continued to voice her thoughts anyway. “My advice, which I’m assuming is why you called me in the first place, is that you listen to the words Max is actually saying, not what you want them to mean. He said, ‘It was fun… now it’s done,’ so let it be done.”
Ashley hated seeing the way Max’s words made Janie physically cringe, but he’d said them earlier that evening during their confrontation at Chopper’s and Ashley thought it was time Janie took her heart off her sleeve and tucked it back into her chest.
“But you didn’t feel what it was like when we were together. It’s hard to believe that I was the only one who felt something.” Disbelief and pain flashed through the beautiful aqua eyes staring at Ashley. Oh, I completely understand what you’re talking about, Ashley thought to herself. I feel the same way every time I’m within breathing distance of a certain sweet-talking, heart-stopping Romeo. Although instead of admitting to those thoughts, she continued to discuss Max. However, the more she talked, the more she felt like maybe she wasn’t talking about Max at all. “That boy has been closed up like a beach house longer than I’ve been around. You can’t fix him, Janie. You just can’t. He needs to want to open himself back up—to take the dust covers off the furniture and open the windows. If at some point he finally decides to do that and you are still available…well, then good for him. Otherwise, it was his opportunity to lose. Do you understand?”
“Seriously, Ash, that’s the most profound thing I have ever heard you say. You’re so not as twisted as you seem,” Janie deadpanned.
“Shh, don’t tell anyone…I prefer when people underestimate me.” Ashley whispered the words uttered long ago by her brother. She saluted Janie with her drink and took a long pull. It appeared she and Max had been living in shore houses next door to each other all this time. Huh, who knew?
When Janie’s cheeks turned an adorable shade of pale pink and her eyes rounded like saucers Ashley slowly turned her head and followed her line of vision to see what had caught Janie’s attention.
“Shit,” she muttered as she let her eyes roam the male perfection that was Ryan Baker. “Really, Janie? There was no need to call Romeo here. I am totally capable of getting myself home.” The lie sounded ridiculous even to her own ears. The tequila gods must have been laughing at her because as she stood up from her stool she promptly lost her balance, and a pair of muscled arms wrapped around her waist. Large hands subtl
y grazed her breasts, steadying her body, just before her ass hit the terracotta floor. As if on cue, her heart rate amped up to dangerous levels.
“Yeah, Ash, you seem perfectly fine to drive.” Ryan winked at Janie before leading a partially embarrassed, partially annoyed Ashley out of The Sombrero. Ashley found herself fighting the urge to nestle her body into his, just to be close to him. Goddamn tequila, wreaking havoc on my brain, she thought as she held on just a little tighter.
“Ryan,” in her inebriated state she stretched out his name, “you don’t need to hold me up. I only tripped in there ‘cause my heel got caught in a crack on the floor.” Her feet chose that exact moment to once again slip out from underneath her and Ashley caught sight of them, immediately realizing her error. She was wearing her Chucks, not heels. Shit. She hesitantly glanced up from underneath her eyelashes to see if Ryan had noticed. The smirk on his much-too-handsome-for-his-own-good face told her that he had. Fuck. “Get in, Princess,” Ryan chuckled as he opened the passenger side door of his car and helped her in. He buckled her seatbelt and closed her door before walking to the driver’s side. The ride home was quiet as she sat silently in the passenger seat trying to decide on the best way to handle the current unusual situation. Although, if she was being honest, unusual was becoming their norm and that wasn’t comforting in the least. She was so busy trying to figure out how to regain her composure that Ashley didn’t notice Ryan had left the car until the passenger side was opened and his outstretched hand was awaiting hers.
“Ry, you don’t have to help me into the house, I’m perfectly capable of taking care of myself,” Ashley quipped as her world began to spin. “Ry, did you forget to pay the gravity bill? Cause the house is moving.” Hysterical with laughter from her own joke, a small belch escaped her mouth. “Come on, Ryan, that was funny!”
“Come on, Princess, let’s get you to bed,” he said, guiding her to the stairs and staying close behind her as she started her ascent. She held on to the railing as she took each step slowly, relishing the warmth of his hand on the small of her back. He led her to her bedroom and turned on the lights. “Get undressed, Ash. I’ll get some pain relievers and water for you, God knows you’ll need them.”
She didn’t hear the rest of Ryan’s statement because she was too busy rushing past him to make it to the toilet in time to revisit her tequila shots. The sound reverberated off the walls, slamming mercilessly against her already throbbing head Yep, nothing sexier than puking in surround sound.
“Ash?” Ryan’s voice was gentle as he spoke from behind her.
“Shut up, Ry.” Her voice was raspy from the violent retching and beads of sweat ran down her spine. “I forgot to eat dinner, no big deal. Let’s never speak of this again.” Ashley slowly turned her head to see Ryan holding out a cool, damp cloth. As he pressed the cloth to her face his eyes filled with…what? Compassion? Concern? She was drunk so she couldn’t be sure. “Thank you,” she breathed. The cool sensation felt amazing pressed up against her clammy cheeks.
“You never forget to eat, Princess. What happened?” There was no way she could tell him that coming home earlier that evening to him playing, “Hazel Eyes” nearly undid her. She couldn’t explain that she thought she may be cracking under the surface and she didn’t know if she was going to be alright. So instead she let her sarcastic alter-ego slip out. “Stop staring at me like I’m a zoo animal, Ry. I got drunk and puked. It happens to the best of us. I’ve even watched it happen to you on occasion. So cut me some slack, okay?”
“Alright then, Shamu.” His smile was the fake kind—the kind that shaped his mouth but didn’t make the cute crinkles at the corners of his eyes. She accepted his outstretched hand and hefted herself off of the tile floor. “How about if you get ready for bed and I’ll go lock up downstairs. I’ll be up in a few to check on you.”
“You don’t have to—” A wave of sadness passed over his face and she quickly changed her response. “But thank you. Thanks for picking me up tonight and thanks for taking care…umm, thanks for helping me out. I really appreciate it.”
Ryan turned on his heel and headed out of the bathroom. “Not a problem, Princess.”
Gripping the sides of the sink, Ashley lifted her gaze to the mirror on top of the vanity. The person staring back at her made her want to go back to the porcelain throne for another round of tequila shots in reverse. Her hair was matted, her eyes glassy, her lips puffy and reddened, her skin was two shades paler than dead. If that wasn’t enough, thanks to the vomit fest, she had little purplish specks spotted under her eyes and at the top of her cheekbones where the blood vessels had broken because of her retching. She truly was a beauty queen. A Princess. The snort that escaped her as she grabbed for her toothbrush certainly wasn’t princess-like, which seemed to fit the situation perfectly.
Her physical appearance wasn’t the only thing to fuel her wretchedly churning stomach. Sticking the toothbrush in her mouth, she glanced up once again and all she could think to herself was how completely apropos her crumbled image was and how it was an exact replication of how she felt on the inside. She was slowly losing the ability to keep her mask on tightly and even worse, she was losing the desire to do so.
After following up with some mouthwash and clicking off the bathroom light, she padded barefoot to her bedroom and stumbled into bed, fatigue overtaking her before she had the chance to dwell on things any further.
Ryan headed upstairs with a plate of toast and a bottle of water. He hadn’t meant to spend so much time away from Ashley, but when he’d gone to lock up and switch off the lights he’d received a text from Janie, checking on Ashley and apologizing again for bothering him on his night off. He’d texted Janie back, which led to several texts back and forth between the two of them while he made a snack for Ashley.
The house was eerily quiet as he walked up the stairs to her room. Lying there, tucked into a ball on her side and sound asleep, was the Ashley most people never got to see. Even after her battle with, and subsequent defeat to the tequila, she was beautiful, and her body was flawless. Although lying there like that she was vulnerable—she was the girl he’d met and fallen in love with so many years before. Before life had become complicated and flawed, she’d been the brave teenager who’d left him when she’d needed room to breathe and grow. Now, she was a grown woman who was scared but strong, fearing the journey forward but knowing in her heart that there was no going back. This was Ashley—his Ashley—but she still wasn’t ready for him. She still claimed she didn’t want him. He’d promised he wouldn’t push her so he would just have to wait a little longer. Date a little more. Love her from afar and hope that she changed her mind. Soon.
Ryan placed the dish on the night table next to her bed and reached for the blanket at the foot of the bed, allowing his knuckle to gently caress the outer side of her arm as he pulled it up to cover her shoulders.
“Sweet dreams, Princess,” he whispered softly into her ear, placing a light kiss on her temple before turning to leave her room. He could already hear the lyrics in his head as he pulled her door closed behind him. It looked like it would be a long, but productive night.
Rainbow Brite
“GOOD GOD, GIRL, do you ever stop smiling?” Ashley asked, winking at Janie as she set down martinis for her and Lyla. “I’m glad that boy finally got his shit together,” she added, quickly taking a drink order before returning her attention to the girls. It was a Thursday night in mid October and Ashley was tending the crowded bar with both Ryan and Max. Danny’s on Main was a year-round hot spot in Charistown, but in the fall, with the large windows open and the music playing, Thursday nights were the busiest night of the week.
“No, she doesn’t stop smiling. And while it makes me want to puke”—Lyla looked at her best friend lovingly—“I would kill anyone that tried to wipe that happiness off her face.” As if on cue, Max, now Janie’s boyfriend and self-appointed protector against-all-things-evil, walked past Ashley and leaned over the bar to
place a scorching kiss on Janie’s lips.
Ashley watched the embrace with a mixture of happiness and weariness. She was genuinely thrilled that her two friends had finally found their way together and appeared to work beautifully as a couple, but watching them kiss as if the world ceased to exist made the small pocket of loneliness in her gut feel a little deeper, and that was a bitter pill to swallow.
“Ahem, this is a bar, and might I add, my damn bar. So either go get a room or get back to work, Max.” The gravelly voice snapped Max and Janie back to earth and Janie’s cheeks flushed pink while Max grinned, running his fingers through his spiky hair before returning to his bartending duties. “Hey, Dolls,” Danny said with a smirk. Danny had taken to calling Lyla and Janie “Danny’s Dolls” when they’d first become regulars. He’d said the two ladies had wreaked havoc on the male customer’s libidos and their relationships. The name eventually became a term of endearment between the owner and the two women.
“I didn’t mean to get Max in trouble, Danny,” Janie said sheepishly.
“You can’t get me in trouble, babe, this is my last week, remember?” Max leaned his huge body over the bar and planted one more quick kiss on Janie’s lips before returning to the throng of customers. After the weekend he was going to be working full time at the Gage Garage, co-owned and operated, with his best friend, Sebastian Gage.
“Sweetie, you know I’m just messing with you.” Danny smiled warmly, “I love that you guys are together. The only people who are unhappy are the ladies who have been vying for his attention for years, trying to win his heart. Now that he’s off the market their dreams have been crushed.” Danny’s eyes glittered with humor as he chuckled.
