by Bree Wolf
Confused, but smiling at her nonetheless, Frederick said, “I haven’t seen you laughing like this in a long time. I like it.”
“Me, too,” Mathilda agreed. “But you mustn’t distract me like this. Pearl needs her sleep. Her kittens are quite rambunctious.”
“Not unlike someone else I know,” Frederick observed.
His niece viewed him through narrowed eyes. “I do what I have to in order to protect them,” she defended herself. “They are young and don’t yet know about the world.”
Frederick nodded. “But you are young, too,” he objected. “Who is watching over you?”
Mathilda shrugged.
“You miss your father, don’t you?” Frederick asked, feeling a lump in his throat. “I know I was gone for a long time, but I remember how you used to play together.”
Mathilda nodded. “Father never insisted I had to be a lady.”
Again, Frederick laughed. “Yes, I remember finding the two of you up in a tree one day.”
A deep smile came to the girl’s face. “I dared him to climb up, and then he got stuck and couldn’t get down. I had to go up and get him.”
Frederick chuckled. “So, you were watching over each other?”
Mathilda nodded. “Wherever I went, he would always find me. He would come and make sure I was fine.” Moist eyes rose to meet his. “Sometimes when I climb a tree and I almost fall, I feel like he is standing down there, ready to catch me.” Absentmindedly, she twirled the corn stalk between her fingers. “I know that is silly. I know he is gone.”
Covering her small hands with his, Frederick shook his head. “It is not silly.” He took a deep breath. “You know, I do that, too, sometimes.”
Mathilda’s head snapped up. “Really? You climb trees?”
Frederick chuckled, then shook his head. “No, I don’t climb trees, but sometimes I like to believe that someone is with me who I know is gone forever.”
“Who?”
Frederick took a deep breath. A part of him wondered why he was telling her this−little niece of all people. Had Elsbeth known this would happen? Did she even know what the girl’s secret was? If she had, why would she have asked him to speak to her? “I lost a friend of mine in the war, and he would always lecture me about being too careless. I remember riding into battle and hearing his voice in my head, screaming at me to be careful. I also remember that sometimes I tempted fate only to feel as though he was still there, watching over me.” He shook his head. “I haven’t heard his voice in a long time.”
“You’re not careless anymore?”
Frederick shook his head. “Not like that. Lately, life has changed.”
“I know. Many things are different now,” Mathilda agreed. “Mother cried a lot after Father died, and although she tried to smile whenever she saw me, I knew she didn’t really want to.” Again, her gaze met his, only this time a tentative smile played on her lips. “And then after your wedding, things changed again.”
Frederick’s eyebrows went up. “They have? After my wedding? How?”
“Because of Ellie.”
“Ellie?” Frederick echoed, and although the name sounded unfamiliar, it stirred a strange sense of recognition. From the depth of his soul, it drew forth the soft sound of a babbling brook and the feel of the sun on a hot summer’s day on his skin. And yet, the details of the memory eluded him.
“She spoke to Mama,” Mathilda elaborated, one hand stroking Pearl’s fur. “After your wed-ding, I found them sitting in the gardens. Mother cried, and at first, I was scared, but then she spoke to Ellie and,” the girl sighed, and her little shoulders trembled, “and then Mother seemed better.” She lifted her eyes to him. “She didn’t look so sad anymore even though she was still crying. Do you know what I mean?”
Frederick nodded. He remembered the day Mathilda was talking about. He, too, had seen the two women sit in the shade and speak to each other. He had seen Maryann weep as his wife had held and comforted her.
Apparently, his mother had been right. Elsbeth had been exactly what they all needed. Not only did his mother look less exhausted with the strain of taking care of everyone, but also Maryann had finally found a way to deal with her husband’s loss. She still grieved his passing, and yet, she now remembered that life still held wonders that she could not ignore. One such wonder now sat beside him, and Frederick marvelled at the change that had gone unnoticed by him. How had he not seen the improvement in their spirits? Right under his nose, his wife had worked her magic; now, he suddenly realised, she was trying to help him as well. She had sent him to speak to his niece, not only because she hoped he could help the girl but also because his niece’s wise words held a deeper meaning for him as well.
Did it? He wondered. Could he actually benefit from what Mathilda had told him?
Everyone grieved in their own way, and for the first time, Frederick realised that he himself grieved by suppressing every emotion that might prove his undoing. In the beginning, it had merely been the pain, the sense of loss, of hopelessness that he had ignored, that he had pretended did not exist and could, therefore, not hurt him. However, after a while, even that had not been enough. Today, Frederick realised, he suppressed almost all emotions; be they good or bad, it did not matter. The only moments any sense of feeling had returned had been moments he had shared with his wife. How had she done it? How had she breached his walls and touch his heart? Even now, he only sat here, touched by his niece’s honest words, because his wife had asked him to be there. Had she known what would happen?
Shaking his head, Frederick didn’t know what to think. What was he to do now? After all, emotions were not part of his plan. Everything had gone so well up until now. Ought he to stay the course? Frederick didn’t know, and yet, he knew that anything but denial would open old wounds.
And he knew he could not risk that.
Chapter Twenty – The Heart of a Lion
Standing at the front drawing room window, Ellie gazed out into the rain. Through the curtain of water, she watched as the sun slowly began its descent, giving the world a magical glow. For days now, the rain had confined them all to the house, and while Mathilda’s spirits seemed suddenly lifted, Frederick walked the halls with his gaze fixed to the ground. Whenever they happened upon one another, he would speak to her in a polite, but rather detached tone, his eyes never meeting hers. Somehow, Ellie had hoped that helping Mathilda would help him as well. Could he not see that the world still held wonder? Had the strength of a little girl not also instilled in him the wish for better days?
Ellie sighed, wondering what else she could do to breach the wall he once again seemed determined to defend against any outside influence. Did he see her as a threat?
“Elsbeth.”
Startled, Ellie spun around and found Theresa standing in the doorway.
“Forgive me, Child,” her mother-in-law said, coming toward her. “I did not mean to alarm you. Do you have a minute for an old woman?”
“Certainly,” Ellie said, taking Theresa’s offered hand, and the two of them sat down on the settee. “Is something wrong? You do look rather heavy-hearted.”
Theresa took a deep breath, then turned to Ellie. “Ever since your wedding day, I have been meaning to speak with you. I know that my son is less than forthcoming with regard to family affairs as well as his own thoughts on these issues so that I deem it my responsibility to explain to you the steps that led to your wedding.”
Staring at Theresa, Ellie took a deep breath. “I always thought it was you who chose me for him.”
A pleased smile lit up the old woman’s features. “You are an intelligent woman, Elsbeth, and I beg your forgiveness for bringing you into this house without your consent.”
Ellie smiled and squeezed Theresa’s hand. “I cannot deny that the offer of marriage came as quite a shock to me, but I can honestly say that it was not unwelcome.”
Theresa sighed with relief. “You have no idea how good it is to hear you say that, my dear gir
l. Especially now that I have come to love you like a daughter, I would not wish to see you un-happy.”
Touched beyond words, Ellie met Theresa’s honest eyes as her own filled with tears. “Thank you,” she breathed. “I think of you as a mother as well.”
A delighted smile on her face, Theresa patted her hand. “You have been a blessing on this house. Everyone under its roof has benefited from your presence here, and in time, my son will come to see this, too.”
Averting her eyes, Ellie took a deep breath. Finally, she could ask the many questions that had plagued her since the day of the proposal, and yet, she feared to learn the answers. Raising her eyes to her mother-in-law’s once again, she asked, “May I enquire why you chose me?”
Theresa smiled. “Why would I not?”
Shaking her head, Ellie closed her eyes. “I have tried very hard not to allow people’s opinion affect who I am,” she whispered as though to herself. “However, I have recently come to realise that I am not as strong as I like to think.” Gazing at her scarred hands, Ellie shrugged. “I may have survived the fire, but many things have changed.” She looked up and met Theresa’s gaze. “When people learnt of the proposal made to me, they were surprised, shocked even. They can see that I am no equal to your son.”
Once again, Theresa squeezed her hand, her eyes lingering on Ellie for a moment. “Let me tell you why I chose you.”
Ellie nodded, feeling her hands tremble beyond her control.
“For the first time, I saw you one night at a ball. Like many others, I cannot deny that my eyes were drawn to you. I saw your scars and remembered the stories I had heard. And then I looked at you and saw something that I’d never thought possible.”
When Theresa remained quiet, Ellie asked, “What? What was it?” Feeling her fingernails dig into her palm, she held her breath.
“I saw you smile,” Theresa said, and although her eyes held tears, pride shone on her face. “It was a heart-felt smile, a smile that spoke neither of duty nor perseverance. It was not forced or half-hearted. You were enjoying yourself, and in that moment, I realised that a woman who cannot only endure such physical pain but also rise above the whispers and stares around her had to have the heart of a lion.”
Tears streamed down Ellie’s face. “But I don’t. I am weak. I thought I was strong, but lately I feel like I cannot bear these scars any longer.”
“We all feel alone sometimes and disheartened.” Lifting Ellie’s chin, Theresa made her look at her. “Sometimes we all want to give up and lie down and die because we believe that we do not have the strength to go on or because we do not believe the struggle worth it.” A knowing smile crinkled her lips. “But the moment passes, and in the next, we are strong again.”
“But I am not−”
“Yes, you are,” Theresa insisted. “But you are not only strong. You are also kind and caring, and when I saw my son or rather the shadow he had become, I remembered you. I remembered your strength, and I knew that if there were one woman on this earth who would be able to save him from himself, it would be you.” Theresa squeezed her hand, her eyes intent on Ellie’s. “You know the meaning of pain, of loss, of struggle and of hopelessness. You have walked through hell, and yet, you are still an angel inside. If anyone can help him, it is you.”
As Ellie broke down sobbing, Theresa held her, smoothing back her hair as a mother would. She rocked her, and she stroked her back, and slowly Ellie calmed down.
“Thank you,” Ellie whispered, brushing the tears from her eyes. “It means so much to me to hear you say that, to know that you have such faith in me.” Although Rosabel had voiced a similar thought about why Frederick’s mother had chosen her, hearing the truth from Theresa now soothed the ache in Ellie’s heart. To stand alone against doubts as well as those around her who expected her to fail was daunting, and to know that there was someone walking with her meant the world to Ellie.
Handing her a handkerchief, Theresa looked at her with sad eyes. “Although I know what it feels like to be at your wits’ end, to have your heart broken and the world to look like hell itself, I now know that I cannot help my son. Maybe it is simply because I am his mother. As much as we love each other, I suppose some things you cannot speak about to your mother.” She shrugged. “I suppose it is the same where the mother is concerned.” Theresa took a deep breath, and a sad smile came to her face. “When my husband died, Frederick was on the continent, but I remember I could not talk to Leopold, either. He was my son, and he grieved, too, and I didn’t want to burden him.” Theresa’s eyes became distant, and Ellie watched her quietly, knowing only too well the pain memories could cause. “The one I could speak to was Maryann. As much as she means to me, I never held her as a baby. I did not spend twenty-odd years worrying about her heart and soul, her well-being and health. I cannot explain it any better, but I know it is different when it is your child. Unfortunately, Maryann knows that now, too. I’ve seen how she desperately tried to shield Mathilda from her own pain because the need to protect her child, to keep it away from pain is stronger than the desire to confide in someone about your own feelings of loss.” Blinking, Theresa shook her head, and her eyes focused on Ellie once more. “I apologise. I did not mean to speak of such gloomy matters.”
Gently squeezing her mother-in-law’s hand, Ellie asked, “How did your husband die?”
Theresa inhaled deeply, and Ellie saw how acutely she still grieved his passing. “He died of a cold.”
“A cold?” Ellie asked, unable to suppress her surprise. “How do you mean?”
A sad smile on her face, Theresa shook her head. “He had a slight fever and a mild cough. It lasted a couple of days, and finally he agreed to send for Dr. Madison. The doctor said not to worry, and Archibald insisted I attend the function that night. I don’t even remember what it was. Everything else is burned into my mind, but these details are gone. Whatever they were, they did not matter.” She took a deep breath. “I kissed him goodbye, and he laughed at me for looking so distraught. Against my own better judgement, I left, and when I returned home, he was dead.”
Shocked, Ellie stared at her mother-in-law, not knowing what to say.
“You see, my dear, life is unpredictable and fleeting. When I look at my son, I fear not only for his well-being, but also for his life. After losing his father and brother, I could not bear to lose him, too. To be honest, I brought you into this house for selfish reasons.” She shook her head vehemently as tears stood in her eyes. “I cannot lose more of my family. I won’t survive.”
Nodding, Ellie drew the frail-looking woman into her arms and let her mourn the losses she had suffered. “I will do what I can,” she whispered in her ear. “I promise.”
Chapter Twenty-One – Temptation
“Betty, have you seen Lady Mathilda anywhere?” Ellie asked as she saw the maid entering the second floor from the servant staircase. “She said she wanted to go outside into the gardens. However, I cannot seem to find her.”
Betty shook her head, and a heavy lump settled in Ellie’s stomach. “I have not seen her, my lady. Would you like me to ask around?”
“Yes, please,” Ellie replied. “But quietly. I do not wish to alarm her mother. She is probably just hiding somewhere. Would you mind going down to the stables? She loves to sit in the hay loft. I’ll go speak to her mother and try to find out if she knows where Lady Mathilda went.”
Betty nodded eagerly and immediately set off, the hint of a smile on her lips.
Taking a deep breath, Ellie headed downstairs as well. This time of day, Maryann usually sat in the back parlour over some embroidery.
Every step felt heavy, though, and she could not shake the dread that settled in her heart. Had something happened to the little girl? It was not unusual for her to hide out somewhere; how-ever, in the past week, she had been particularly cheerful. Ellie suspected that Frederick had some-thing to do with that. Whenever Mathilda saw him, a deep smile lit up her features, and she waved to him, a cheerful wo
rd on her tongue. Ever since he had gone to speak to her, they had seemed closer somehow, like confidantes sharing a secret.
Although she did not know what they had spoken about, Ellie loved him for the change he had brought about in the little girl. Seeing them smile at each other−even though Frederick’s smile seemed a bit reluctant−truly warmed her heart and made her hope for the future.
Gathering her composure, Ellie entered the drawing room, hoping that Betty would find Mathilda before circumstances would force her to alarm Maryann.
However, as she turned to the settee under the tall windows opening to the gardens, she found mother and daughter sitting side by side, heads bent over a cushion. Slowly, Maryann guided the needle through the fabric as her daughter watched in silent awe. Maryann’s lips moved, and a quiet word was exchanged between them, one that brought a sparkle to Mathilda’s eyes and drew a soft chuckle from her lips.
Touched by the peaceful sight before her, Ellie retreated quietly. Walking back to the foyer, she realised that she had never seen mother and daughter in such intimate togetherness. A surge of hope, of blissful lightness lifted her heart, and a single tear escaped, running down her cheek. Closing her eyes, Ellie stood in the large hall, savouring the moment before she heard footsteps echo on the marble floor.
“Are you all right, my lady?” Frederick asked as she opened her eyes. His own were narrowed as they followed the wet trail the tear had left on her cheek. “Did something happen?”
A deep smile came to her face, and she stepped toward him. Although he did not retreat, she saw him tense. “I just found Maryann and Mathilda sitting in the drawing room, embroidering a cushion.” A confused frown came to his face. “Thank you for that.”
The frown deepened. “I’m afraid, I do not understand.”
Again, she took a step toward him and placed a hand on his chest, right above his heart. He drew in a sharp breath, and even through the layers of fabric, Ellie could feel it quicken its pace. “Whatever you said to Mathilda, it helped her with her grief. I think her little heart is beginning to heal.”
