She has agreed to meet Helen for lunch on Friday. It is a dangerous strategy and Jane knows it. She was not quite as unafraid by the time that she left Susan’s flat but she has started down the path and is determined to continue. Jane and Susan spent some time looking for a spin that will bring a new dimension to the subject. They found it by looking at parallels between the American culture and this country. For all the free lifestyles of many people in the States, lesbian women in high-ranking senior positions can be forced to lead virtually a double identified existence. This was partly because of societal attitudes and lack of protection as a right. It was also, Jane postulated to Susan, partly the result of fear carried by women themselves. Coming out is no mean feat in any culture. Susan agreed with Jane that homophobia can be no more than a cover for the baser sentiment of sheer loathing.
There was plenty for the article. Susan only regrets that she could not get Helen to agree to them seeing advance copy. No journalist will allow that before publication.
Linda listens to all this. This is not her way and it never could be. But she has to remember that Jane is her own person and that she is younger and more fired than Linda is with the idealism of feminist thinking. She is grateful to her and to Susan, though, that her name is to be kept out of it. At one level she wishes that this article were not going to happen. It will only perpetuate the strain on her family. But then again, maybe the article writer can say some of the things that she has tried to say to Ken and which have fallen on Ken’s deaf ears.
The call ends as Susan confirms that Jane is coping remarkably well. She wanted Linda to know that she is thinking of her. Susan goes on to say that Hector is proving a useful support to Jane just now. He persuaded her that her brother and her parents should know what was going on and hear it from her rather than from any other source. Susan was with her when she rang her parents and told them. She persuaded them against coming straight over from Colorado. That, at least, was a good sign of their support for their daughter. Harry was as unflappable as ever and thought that the article she was intending might be a good thing. He admired her stand and was just thankful that he did not have to make life decisions like that.
It is a long wait until the Sunday. The article, when it appears, is well grounded and more or less as Linda anticipated it. It is odd to read about Jane through the eyes of a journalist and, alone in her room, she wonders about the wisdom of Jane feeding the press system. Only time will tell whether Jane has scored an own goal. Susan rings Linda towards lunchtime to say that she has read the article and from her viewpoint it is a good piece of journalism that can only be of use to many people in Jane’s situation. Jane had only one negative call this morning - someone from another tabloid asking her for her story on her relationship with Linda Pilar. She declined and had to put the receiver down on the journalist in mid sentence. But overall, that was the only pressure that she was put under. The perverted calls and the hate calls that she feared might happen, simply did not materialise.
Linda goes to bed this evening, at a quieter place, sensing that she has passed a watershed and that the worst of Jane’s and her moment of exposure is over. She assumes that Jane is as safe in terms of employment as she seems to be herself and at work she hears not a single word about the younger woman and the article. In a funny way it is as if the article did not exist.
Slowly the newspapers move away from the subject. For a while, though, it is a bit like living in two worlds. There is the ordinary world as she goes about the business of lecturing and managing the Department. There is the other world where she is in the spotlight. Every time she limps on her crutches into a room there is a definite change in the volume of conversation; she sees the almost imperceptible glances; she knows that she is being talked about, as are the subjects that Jane has raised; and she knows she is being discussed in her absence. The papers are still trying to run with the story but without any statement from the University, it broadens to debates about the rights and wrongs of single sex relationships and indeed, relationships of any sort in the workplace. The University has no official statement to make - it has battened down the hatches. The story peters out. Linda and Jane are yesterday’s news. The glare of publicity for Linda is dimming. The anticipation of it is proving to have been worse than the experience.
Linda is due to see Jane for her professional consultation. There is another day to wait. She has not seen Jane to speak to in private since the two articles and only knows second hand from Susan of her reactions and how she is coping. The day finally comes. Her night has been sleepless. Her morning seems interminable as she ploughs through correspondence at her desk. Her phone finally rings at twelve. It is the departmental secretary. Doctor Gray is here for her appointment. Linda assumes that Jane will want there to be no informal communication. It has been so long since she has seen Jane that she wonders how she is going to feel about her. Will she be someone different from the person she has been carrying in her mind? Or is she carrying feelings that did not really exist? Linda is nervous.
She is well prepared in terms of the workload issues that she wants to talk about with Jane. Linda seats herself behind her desk, eyes down at a paper on which she is writing. Her walking stick is balanced against the back wall and she is now out of plaster. She feels uncomfortable as she waits for Jane to come in. Finally, there is a knock on the door and Jane is in the room. Linda looks up at Jane, gives a long gentle smile and says,
“Hello, Jane.”
“Hi. How are you?”
In an instant, Linda knows that her emotions have not changed and that they are as strong as ever.
“I’m well, thank you. And glad to be back. And you?”
“Fine, thanks.” Jane sits down but only when Linda indicates to her to do so. Jane is diffident and Linda cannot gauge what this signifies.
“You are working hard, I hear.” Linda’s voice is more business-like now as she quickly turns to work. This is a model of how any two professionals greet each other and then turn to the task in hand after only a few seconds of engagement and pleasantries.
They spend an hour, Jane awkward at first, on the work of the term and the write up of the research findings. The business of the meeting absorbs them and the hour passes quickly. Linda is conscious that they had moved into that easy professional dialogue that typified their early working relationship.
Jane’s awkwardness returns as the meeting draws to its close. Linda would like to see her for a further meeting in one month’s time. Will Jane make an appointment to suit her with the secretary? She is dismissing Jane, pleasantly enough, but dismissing her none the less. She wants to say so much more but she has promised herself that that will not do her or Jane any good. A gulf has opened between the two women, and neither of them is able to bridge it.
At the door, Jane turns and catches Linda watching her. Linda just says, ‘Thank you, Jane,’ and returns to her paperwork. Jane closes the door behind her but instead of leaving has stepped back into the room
“Linda. We can’t go on not talking about things. This is crazy. I miss you.”
Linda hesitates.
“I know. I miss you too. You did well with that profile you did for Helen Moore. Congratulations.”
“Thanks. I could not sit back and do nothing, Linda. I just had to speak out. Susan was very helpful.”
“And Hector, I gather.”
Linda regrets it, the moment she utters the words. But Jane just laughs and said,
“And how is Ken? And the kids, of course?”
They look at each other, the wedge between them solidified in an instant. There is hurt in both their eyes.
There is nothing in the younger woman’s demeanour to tell Linda how Jane feels about her - nothing. Instead, she leaves with a sad slow sigh. They might have communicated well about work, but there is a chasm of silence between them on their feelings for each other.
The autumn term takes its course from this meeting. She hears little about Jane from Susan
, except that Jane’s parents do come over from Colorado and that her brother Harry is to marry his long-standing girl friend. Linda and Jane have to communicate about the dig and its findings and to distribute the work in reporting the findings. They also have to plan the next summer dig back in the Hebrides which will open up the tomb they found by chance. All this is done by E-mail and the occasional face-to-face meeting with no more than ‘Hope you are well’ and ‘Take care’ as the only interpersonal communication between them. At times, Linda wonders whether what she experienced with Jane was real - thoughts she dismisses as only a reaction to the loneliness and separation she is experiencing. She keeps Jane’s photo in her wallet and this helps her to remember the time they shared in the summer. And the shells stay by her bedside. It is hard, though, very hard to go on believing that Jane will stay committed to her for the long term. Even if she still does love Linda, forces that will serve to take her life in a different direction surround Jane. How could Jane stay connected to her? They have no meaningful contact. Linda has two children who are still coming to terms with the story about Jane and their mother. She has a highflying career to protect. She has a husband. What is in it for Jane to stay committed? And what is happening between Hector and Jane?
As winter comes on, Linda struggles hard to keep depression at bay and to try to stay the happy, up beat and bright person she actually was just a few months ago. She keeps herself busy at work - there is little choice about that. And she sustains the friendships she has developed over the years in her social life. But they have dulled, these friendships, and she craves now the society of people like Nicola and Jacky and to be beside Jane in supper parties with more like-minded women.
Three weeks after the session in her office with Jane, she is at her desk when her secretary comes in with a letter. Linda sees at once is in Jane’s handwriting. It is Jane’s resignation.
Linda stares at it, knowing in this moment that she has to break her silence – to find out where Jane is going. Is she leaving the country? Is she marrying Hector? She asks her secretary if she can find Doctor Gray and ask her to came and have a word with her.
Jane appears fifteen minutes later. Linda is at her desk as before but comes round when Jane enters and indicates the coffee table and chairs for their conversation.
“Why do you feel that you have to leave, Jane?” Her tone is intended to tell Jane that this is a personal question. Jane looks at her and simply says,
“It is too hard to work with you. I still love you and this is unbearable.” She is whispering so that nothing will be heard outside the room. And her voice has a quiver to it as if she is struggling for composure.
“I love you too. But it has to be this way, Jane.”
She watches as Jane takes in that Linda still loves her. Her shoulders relax as if the doubts of the weeks are floating away from her. But distress covers the young woman’s face almost immediately, and she shakes her head.
“I have to leave.”
Linda listens as Jane tells her why. Two things triggered Jane’s decision to apply for another job. The first was the personal relationship between her and Linda. Not being in touch became increasingly difficult and, conversely, working together again on a day-to-day basis was beginning to frighten her. She knows that she can have no peace of mind. The prospect of seeing Linda or of watching out for her, has come to be a torture to which she can choose not to expose herself. Nor does the prospect appeal of going to the Hebrides on her own for the next dig - Linda has already indicated on one of the E-mails that she will not be going. That, Jane says, would be like walking with the ghost of their time together.
It will be easier not to see Linda but she still wants to stay in the city. And now she reveals the one thing Linda has not dared to hope for. She wants to be here when Linda is free for her. Linda sighs with relief at this news and risks touching Jane’s hand, just for a moment. Jane does not withdraw her hand but does not respond.
Instead, she says that her other reason for leaving the job is a professional one. The Helen Moore article has had a major impact on her. She has been working with her colleagues and seniors with the constant and unanswered question as to whether they really want her to be here. She has embarrassed her colleagues, Linda, her employer. She has sent ripples through the press. She just has the feeling that things are no longer comfortable. It is nothing concrete; nothing she can ask about. And she has absolutely no evidence that anything is wrong - things appear to be going on as normal.
But there is something she had to test. She had to know whether she was employable - professionally wanted - as the person she truly is. She applied for and was given the job here at the University as Doctor Jane Gray and, in the absence of any contrary information, was assumed to be heterosexual. She wanted to see what would happen now if she went for a new job as Jane Gray - self-acknowledged lesbian. It should make no difference. Would it? She discussed it with Nicola and Jacky. Nicola thought that Jane was taking a hammer to crack a nut. Jacky thought that Jane needed to square a circle.
She applied for a senior curator’s post at the City Museum and Art Gallery in mid October, was interviewed and appointed to the post right away. She has a term’s notice to give and will move straight to the new post in the New Year. It is a liberating feeling. Not only is she starting a new job based on her ability but also as who she is. This is what the vast majority of new employees do every week but for someone in Jane’s position it is the first time she has done so.
Linda listens, following the logic of Jane’s thinking and silently rejoicing that Jane will still be here in the city. She does not dare ask whether Jane is staying simply because of her. She might also be staying to be near to Hector who still has his studies to complete.
She has no choice but to accept what Jane says. She is sorely tempted to suggest that they should meet up outside the context of the University but she resists that. She has no right to torture Jane any further. They have their pact. It is best left this way. One day, it will be time to ask her again. Until then, she has no right to interfere in Jane’s life any further.
All she can say is that she understands and that she is glad that Jane will still be close. They leave it at that.
And the next day, Robert Thane says what good news it is for the University that one of their academic colleagues will be in the City Museum. She understands his congratulatory tone to Linda perfectly. The University’ problem - Jane’s presence - has resolved itself. Robert clearly surmises that this was through Linda’s good influence.
CHAPTER 30
In October, Brenda Ramsey is interviewed and charged with a number of counts of wasting police time and of perverting the course of justice. Inspector Philips keeps Susan up to date on the swift chain of events, including the fact that when he interviewed Brenda at her workstation at the Department of Divinity, Brenda’s alert new boss also gave him a folder. This shrewd woman did not like what she found in the folder that was stored in Brenda’s desk and felt, in all the circumstances, that it would be sensible to pass the information to the police. It was a file that Brenda had compiled on Susan and her friends, Linda and Jane.
When she was interviewed, Brenda struggled at first to find an explanation for the Inspector. At first, she stated, she did not think that Dave was having an affair with Susan Blakely but she just wanted to find out about her. The other two women, she quickly established, were Susan’s friends. But she did not see that she had done anything wrong. The Inspector was acid – did Brenda really think that there was nothing unusual in keeping a dossier on people, the same people who then end up the victims of a car attack? Brenda was too weak to stand up to even the slightest of aggressive interviewing. She told the Inspector how she came to believe that the affair did happen and how she felt so betrayed by the two, but mainly by Susan whom she had trusted. She told Inspector Philips everything about setting Dave up, and about how her husband decided to confess to protect her. Brenda’s own confession was easy to extra
ct. On the evening, a couple of weeks before the attack, when Jane accompanied Linda and met Susan, Brenda watched from a corner of the seafood restaurant and saw Jane and Linda holding hands over the table. Then Linda stroked Jane’s face. The place was crowded so it was easy for Brenda to watch without being seen. She had never known any lesbians but she knew what she was seeing. She also knew that Linda worked at the University. She recognised her by sight but at that point in time did not know who she was. She checked the staff records on the computer the next day and she found out who Linda was and then who Jane was. By accessing the records for these reasons, the Inspector told Susan, Brenda has also breached her conditions of employment and the University have yet to decide what action to take. At the moment it is considering taking disciplinary action against their employee.
Brenda’s criminal confession was to being at the scene of the accident, not coming forward and then leading Dave to confess. All this was wasting police time and perverting the course of justice. Inspector Philips did not conceal his pleasure at the number of charges that Brenda faces.
She gave the account, accurate now, of what she witnessed. She described a drunken man who got into and then drove a large car. But she could not describe the make of car other than that it was expensive. She had a good view of what happened on that Friday night.
But what she said differed from the account given by the taxi driver. The Inspector made the point that this often happens when there is more than one witness to the same incident. It looked to Brenda like a straight forward hit and run accident and as if the driver had failed to stop after an accidental hit. The car was a big one. That was all she could see in the dark. The man was obviously drunk. He was tall and dark and on his own. She had watched him come out of a pub and fumble with his keys. He dropped them twice before he managed to get the key into the lock. When he got into the driver’s seat he sat for a while trying to get the key into the ignition - or so it looked to Brenda. From there, it all happened so quickly. She saw the two women emerge and this took her attention away from the car and its drunk driver. Then the car lurched forward and did a kangaroo jump before beginning to pick up speed. It glanced off one of the women - Linda Pilar, Brenda thought, and she saw Susan Blakely fall sideways. That was all. The car tail lights shot away and Brenda decided she needed to get away quickly too.
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