Summer Madness

by Susan Lewis

  ‘I don’t know. Six months.’

  She looked down at her wine. So everything had been a sham. His concern when her gran had died, his proposal of marriage, even his lovemaking, had all been done out of pity. ‘Who is she?’ she said flatly. ‘Do I know her?’

  He nodded. ‘It’s Elaine.’

  ‘Elaine your secretary? Elaine who rang earlier?’

  Again he nodded.

  ‘I see.’ She knew he was waiting for her to say more, but what more was there to say except that she loved him and wanted to be his wife and that she was carrying his baby? She looked at him, almost told him, then looked away. What good would it do, he loved someone else.

  ‘I’m sorry,’ he said, and the tears in his voice made her flinch and pull her hands away.

  ‘I’ve tried to tell you so many times,’ he said, ‘I hated cheating on you, you deserve better, you deserve someone …’

  ‘Simon stop it,’ she said, a sudden edge to her voice. ‘Patronizing me by denigrating yourself isn’t going to make this any easier.’

  ‘No, you’re right,’ he whispered. ‘It’s just that I feel such a bastard. I mean I know the timing is lousy, what with you losing your job and your gran being dead only a couple of months, but I just can’t go on like this.’

  The mention of her gran was almost her undoing.

  ‘… and I thought,’ he went on, ‘I was thinking that … Well, Elaine and I talked it over and we thought that perhaps it was better for you to deal with this now, I mean, rather than me being there to help you get your life back together then pull the rug from under you when it was, by going. This way, we thought, you could make a whole fresh start.’

  Each use of the word ‘we’ was like a knife jabbing into her heart. She was staring absently at the bangles on her slender wrists, feeling oddly repelled by the dress she was wearing, the dress she had chosen for seduction and celebration. ‘And when exactly have you and Elaine decided that I should make my fresh start?’ she asked, her dark eyes flashing in the candlelight.

  ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘I mean, when are you going? Or do I have to move out to make room for Elaine?’

  ‘Don’t be ridiculous. I’d never ask you to do that. This is your home.’

  ‘And yours,’ she reminded him.

  ‘I’ll go to Elaine’s,’ he said dully.

  ‘When?’

  ‘I’m not sure. I hadn’t really …’

  ‘Tonight?’ she cut in. ‘Maybe you should go tonight.’

  ‘Louisa, for heaven’s sake!’

  ‘For heaven’s sake what?’

  He shook his head. ‘I don’t want to leave you like this.’

  ‘Like what?’

  ‘I don’t know, just like this. We’ve meant a lot to each other, we still do and I suppose, well, I suppose I know how hard this is for you.’

  ‘No you don’t. You have no idea what this means to me.’

  ‘Then tell me. Let’s talk about it.’

  ‘What for? You’ve made up your mind so I think you should go. Now.’

  ‘I can’t. Not yet.’

  ‘Why? Isn’t Elaine ready for you?’

  ‘Yes, she’s ready, but you’re not.’

  ‘I’ve already asked you not to patronize me,’ she snapped.

  ‘I’m trying to be your friend.’

  ‘I have friends.’

  He wiped a hand over his mouth. ‘You’re making this so difficult,’ he said.

  ‘I thought I was making it easy. I said I wanted you to go, that’s what you want, isn’t it?’

  ‘But not tonight.’ The awful truth was that right at that moment what he wanted was to make love to her. Those huge, liquid brown eyes, the delicate nose, perfect, sensuous mouth and finely carved bones of her cheeks were working their magic on him in a way they hadn’t for some time. And he felt so protective towards her, wanted to wrap her in his arms and hold her close. How could this be happening now when he was about to break it all off?

  ‘What difference does it make when you go?’ she said. ‘What’s the point of drawing it out?’

  ‘There is no point, except I care for you and I want to make sure you’re all right.’

  ‘I’m all right,’ she said breezily, but she knew she wasn’t, knew that this was hurting beyond anything she’d ever imagined, beyond even what Bill had done to her. But she wasn’t going to fall apart, she had too much pride for that, too much horror of repeating the mistakes of the past. What a joke, she thought bitterly to herself, for if he was smashing his fists in her face, yelling at her and shoving her about the room, she’d very likely be on her hands and knees pleading with him to stay. But as it was, she was telling him to walk out the door, to leave her for another woman and never come back. How could she be doing that when she knew that the moment he went her whole life would fall apart? Did she really want to invite such pain into her life when she knew she couldn’t face it? But pain didn’t come invited, it came of its own accord. She must remember that, must keep telling herself that. She wasn’t responsible for what men did to her, she didn’t make it happen, not any more. She’d come through all that, it was behind her now and she wasn’t going to fall at anyone’s feet and let him walk over her and abuse her and cheat on her the way she had once. She had her career now, her success and her reputation. She’d come a long way since those terrible days and she didn’t need someone who had been deceiving her for six months, who didn’t love her or want her any more. She could live without Simon, she could live without them all. So no, she wasn’t going to fight this, she wasn’t going to resist it at all, she was just going to let it happen.

  She watched him as he got up from his chair and went to get another bottle of wine. ‘If you drink any more,’ she said, ‘you won’t be able to drive.’

  ‘For Christ’s sake!’ he shouted, suddenly rounding on her. ‘This might not mean anything to you, but it damned well does to me. It’s tearing me apart doing this to you, can’t you see that?’

  ‘So what am I supposed to do?’ she cried. ‘You’re the one who’s met someone else! You’re the one who wants to go. Or are you waiting for me to beg? Is that it? Do you want me on my knees? Do you want to humiliate me the way all the others humiliated me? You want your turn now, is that it?’

  His face was twisted with rage and she knew he was going to hit her. It would be the first time he’d ever laid a hand on her in violence, but she wanted it. She wanted his abuse if only to prove to herself that she could take it and walk away from it.

  But he didn’t hit her. He merely put down the wine and came to take her in his arms. She pushed him roughly away.

  ‘I don’t want your guilt or your pity,’ she seethed. ‘Take it to Elaine and let her deal with it, you’re nothing to do with me now.’

  ‘Louisa!’ he cried. ‘This isn’t you talking. This is someone I don’t know. You’re not cold, you never have been, so why now? What’s got into you?’

  ‘Maybe I’ve changed. Maybe I’ve been changing all the time you’ve known me and you just haven’t bothered to notice. Maybe, Simon, I’m a woman who can stand on her own two feet, who doesn’t need a lying, cheating bastard like you in her life to fuck her around. So please, just get out of here. I’ve got a lot of things to think about and I’m sorry, but dealing with your conscience isn’t one of them.’

  He looked at her, stunned. ‘What is happening to you,’ he said incredulously. ‘Don’t you care? Don’t you have any feelings at all?’

  ‘Yes, I have feelings, but they’re not going to change your mind, are they?’

  ‘I don’t know. Maybe they would if I knew what they were.’

  ‘You know what they are,’ she said.

  He looked at her helplessly, not knowing what to say or what to do. ‘I love you,’ he said quietly.

  ‘But in a different way,’ she reminded him.

  His eyes fell from hers.

  ‘Simon,’ she said after a while, her voice much gentler n
ow, ‘I think we’ve reached an impasse and if you don’t mind I’m tired.’

  He looked up. His impotency was as clear in his almost childlike blue eyes as his dilemma. ‘Do you really want me to go?’ he said.

  She smiled. ‘What I want is for this conversation never to have happened, but it has and now … Well, I guess we have to deal with it the best way we can.’

  He was watching her closely, something like awe in his eyes now, but it was so clouded by sadness she couldn’t really tell. ‘Why do I get the feeling I’m about to make one of the biggest mistakes of my life?’ he said.

  ‘I hope not,’ she answered, feeling herself start to falter. He was right, this wasn’t her speaking but the words just kept on coming and her emotions seemed to be ebbing away to some unreachable part of herself. But they would come back and when they did she wanted to be alone. She wanted to think about the baby growing inside her and make the decisions about her life without Simon’s guilt and integrity forcing him into a marriage she knew he didn’t want. Of course he would persuade himself he did, he’d probably even end up persuading her, but she wasn’t going to let that happen.

  ‘Go to Elaine’s,’ she said. ‘She’ll want to know that you’ve told me and I think it’s better that you’re with her tonight, not me. No,’ she said as he made to interrupt, ‘if you stay it’ll only confuse things further. You can come back whenever you like for your things and we’ll leave discussing selling the flat for another time.’

  ‘Oh Christ,’ he groaned, pushing his hands into his hair. ‘I want you to keep it. This is your home, I know how much it means to you.’

  He was right, it did mean a lot to her, but she’d always thought it meant a lot to him too. ‘We’ll sell it,’ she said harshly. ‘Either that or I’ll try to raise the money to buy you out.’

  He was shaking his head in dismay and bewilderment. ‘Louisa, let me hold you,’ he pleaded.

  ‘You have Elaine to hold now,’ she responded.

  ‘But I want to hold you.’

  ‘Simon, just go.’

  He stood up, started to turn away then at the last minute he turned back and pulled her into his arms.

  Neither of them said anything as they stood together, holding each other close and wanting more than anything never to have to let go.

  In the end he was the first to break away. For one panicked moment she almost clung to him, but then she turned quickly to the table, starting to clear away. A few minutes later she heard the front door close behind him.

  2

  ‘WELL, THIS IS a nice surprise!’ Sarah declared, opening the door of her Richmond flat to find her eldest sister Yvonne standing there. ‘What brings you to London?’

  ‘I’ve got a check-up this afternoon in Harley Street,’ Yvonne answered. ‘And don’t start fussing, I’m completely cured, it’s just routine.’

  ‘OK, OK,’ Sarah laughed, holding up her hands at Yvonne’s fierce expression. ‘You can come and sit for me,’ she said. ‘I need a model and failing anyone else you’ll do.’

  Yvonne slanted her a meaningful look and followed her into the sitting room. ‘We’re all beginning to wish you’d go back to producing,’ she grumbled, ‘you didn’t have time to be rude then.’

  ‘Not to you, maybe,’ Sarah said, clearing a space for Yvonne to sit down, ‘but you should speak to some of my team. I was a tyrant.’

  ‘I have no problem believing it,’ Yvonne remarked dryly, as Sarah went off to the kitchen to make some tea. She knew full well what a popular producer her sister had been. She also knew that behind her sunny and brazen facade Sarah was quite shy and, Yvonne suspected, not a little inhibited, a legacy from that dreadful ex-husband of hers.

  Yvonne had never taken to Colin, he was much too starchy for her liking and his antipathy towards children hadn’t scored him any brownie points either. You could tell a lot about a man by the way he behaved with children, Yvonne thought, and Colin’s manner towards her own little brood had been as uptight as his morals. How Sarah had ever managed to fall in love with him was a mystery to the entire family, particularly when Sarah so adored her nieces and nephews and wanted nothing so much as to add to the ever mounting number of their father’s grandchildren. Still, Colin hadn’t actually shown his true colours until after they were married, by which time Sarah was head-over-heels in love and totally convinced that she could persuade him to have a family when the time came. She hadn’t been able to talk him round, but surprisingly that wasn’t the reason they were now in the process of divorce. That had something to do with Sarah having a quick fling with another man, though as close as they were Yvonne still didn’t know all the details. What she did know however was that Colin had been totally unforgiving, had succeeded in making her sister feel like some kind of sexual deviant, and that for all Sarah’s bravado she had been left pretty scarred by it. But her inherent courage and indomitable sense of humour had helped her get over it, as had the loving support of her family and her friends Louisa and Danny.

  As Sarah came back into the room and set down a tray among the expensive camera equipment she had recently purchased in a bid to start a new career, Yvonne pondered the friendship that had evolved through the drama series Sarah had produced. At first Yvonne had considered Sarah to be the odd one out. Danny was so breathtakingly glamorous and Louisa had a quiet sophistication and elegance which totally belied her roots, that Sarah, with her exploding seams and jovial ineloquence, had seemed almost gauche by comparison. Not that Sarah was either unintellingent or unattractive, she was quite simply a contrast – and quite a refreshing one Yvonne thought – to the other two. And now that Yvonne knew Louisa and Danny better she felt that perhaps Danny was more of the odd one out.

  ‘I’m having lunch with Louisa in an hour or so,’ Sarah said, flopping down on a chair and carelessly resting her feet on a steel camera case. ‘Why don’t you come along?’

  ‘I can’t. I’m meeting my dear mother-in-law,’ Yvonne answered, obviously regretting it. ‘Maybe another time.’

  ‘Sure, whenever you like.’

  Yvonne sipped her tea. ‘How is Louisa?’ she said. ‘How did Simon take to the idea of becoming a dad?’

  Sarah’s cup stopped in mid-air as she looked at her sister. ‘He doesn’t know, Louisa didn’t tell him,’ she answered. ‘He left her that night for another woman.’

  ‘Oh my God,’ Yvonne murmured. ‘Poor Louisa. But what about the baby? She’ll have to tell him some time.’

  Sarah was shaking her head. ‘There is no baby, not any more,’ she said sadly. ‘She had an abortion the day before yesterday.’

  ‘Oh, good heavens! Why on earth did she do that? I thought she wanted the baby.’

  Sarah shrugged. ‘So did she, until Simon walked out. Then, so she says, she got to thinking and realized that she didn’t really love Simon, that she’d only gone along with the relationship because she’d wanted to prove to herself that she could make a relationship work. But now she realizes there’s no point doing that with someone who in her heart she knows isn’t right for her. Therefore having his baby wouldn’t be the right thing either.’

  ‘Oh dear, what a mess,’ Yvonne sighed. ‘Fancy him just going off like that. How was she the last time you spoke to her?’

  Sarah pulled a face. ‘Distant,’ she said. ‘It’s like she’s gone right inside herself. All the barriers are up and she won’t let me in.’

  ‘Guilt,’ Yvonne said decisively. ‘She can’t face the guilt and is afraid someone else might make her.’

  ‘You may be right, but in truth she’s usually like that when she’s working. She’s got a new project on the go, so she tells me. She’s concentrating on that now. Simon and the baby are in the past, she says.’

  ‘What did Danny have to say about it?’

  ‘Nothing. I got the feeling I interrupted something when I called her last night, but I expect she’ll call me later. I’ll have spoken to Louisa again by then so I’ll probably have a better idea of wh
ether she’s just covering up the way she’s feeling or if she really does think she’s done the right thing.’

  ‘I’m still amazed she didn’t discuss it with anyone before she went through with it,’ Yvonne remarked.

  ‘She said she knew we’d try to talk her out of it and since her mind was made up she didn’t want to end up arguing with anyone.’

  ‘Would you have tried to talk her out of it?’

  Sarah thought about that for a moment. ‘Probably,’ she said. ‘At least I would have tried to make her wait a while longer before going ahead. And I would have tried to get her to tell Simon.’

  ‘As the father he had a right to know.’

  ‘Yes, but she was afraid he’d give up this other woman and go back to her for the sake of the baby and, so she claims, she just didn’t want that. Actually I can see her point. Holding onto a man that way isn’t wise and Simon’s a pretty honourable sort of chap on the whole. He’d have given his secretary the elbow, stayed with Louisa and probably ended up making them all miserable.’

  ‘Poor Louisa,’ Yvonne said shaking her head. ‘It hasn’t been a particularly easy time for her lately, has it? What with her grandmother dying, the series folding and now all this. I can’t help thinking she’s done the wrong thing about the baby though, but I guess it’s her business and it’s not my place to judge. I’ve always found her a bit of a mystery really. I mean she doesn’t look the introverted type at all, does she?’

  ‘That’s because she’s not introverted,’ Sarah laughed. ‘Quite the reverse, in fact.’

  ‘Isn’t she? Well it just goes to show how wrong you can be about a person. But being a writer is such a solitary profession and she looks like she should be out there striding the catwalks. Come to think of it, that’s who you should get to sit for you, Louisa, not me. Let her put up with your insufferable rudeness. And Danny. She’d be a good subject for you too. I expect you wouldn’t have too much trouble getting her to take her clothes off.’

  ‘Now that’s just where you’re wrong again,’ Sarah laughed. ‘Danny might be an exhibitionist and she might get up to all sorts of things in private, but posing nude for a camera, still or moving, is where she draws the line. Don’t ask me why, but she does.’