by S. Y. Robins
“See you later, love you,” Hannah replied without thinking. She blushed; it was the first time either of them had said the L word.
“I love you too, Han. I’m so glad we’re building a future together.” Jay turned and left the shop, leaving a crimson Hannah in the bakery.
Before having any time to process what just happened, Hannah heard a very familiar voice.
“Hey, Span!” Alfie greeted Hannah with her usual nickname. Hannah Spanner seemed to have stuck since primary school, but Hannah didn’t mind.
“Hi, Alf! Wow, you’re getting so big! I still can’t believe you’re the same kid from school. What happened to the chubby boy I used to know? When did he become six feet of solid muscle?” Hannah asked.
“Thanks, Span. Well, I guess I’ve been listening to you, Miss Nutritionist. I really appreciate all your help. Is Jay around?” Alfie asked.
“You’ve missed him by seconds, Alf. He’s gone to do some paperwork. How come you want to see Jay? I didn’t realise you really knew each other,” frowned Hannah.
“Oh just car and gym stuff, nothing exciting,” mumbled Alfie, not meeting Hannah’s eye. “These cupcakes look amazing; shame I’d have to spend an hour in the gym working them off,” he said, changing the subject.
“Well maybe you’re in luck! I have something new I’ve been working on for you and the other health freaks. How about I give you a free one, as a sample? You’ve been working so hard, you definitely deserve it. I’m really proud of you.”
“What is it?”
“Coconut protein bars.” Hannah smiled, knowing Alfie was interested. He always had a sweet tooth growing up. He could enjoy these without feeling guilty. “There’s only one catch; you have to tell me how they are, so I can sell them here. Deal?”
“Deal! They sound amazing, your cakes are the best. You had me at free, to be honest,” laughed Alfie, gratefully taking the delicious looking bar from Hannah. “I’ll probably be back in here tomorrow to buy ten!”
Hannah smiled, this day just got better and better. Alfie liked chatting to anyone and everyone. He’d tell all the guys at the gym about her bars. Jay would be even prouder of her then.
Before she knew it; the day was over. She stifled a yawn, said goodbye to Steph and made her way home. Crawling into bed, Hannah checked her phone. Six missed calls, wow. She kept it on silent when she worked and rarely checked it; it was unusual that someone would try and get hold of her on her phone. Everyone just popped into the shop, including her mother. Scrolling through her call history, she saw three calls from Jay and three from Simon, Alfie’s best friend who they had both gone to school with. Trembling slightly, she saw her screen flash again, with Jay’s name. Scared that something was wrong, her heart beating quickly, she answered the call.
“Hello?”
“Han, Han are you there?” Jay’s voice, frantic and desperate echoed down the line.
“I’m here, what’s happened? I have six missed calls. Are you okay?”
“I’m okay, I promise. I have some bad news though Han, I don’t know how to tell you.”
“Tell me what? Please, don’t keep things from me.” Hannah’s voice became hoarse, her fears confirmed that something was wrong.
“It’s Alfie. He was rushed to hospital earlier. I ran into Simon and he told me. We both thought you needed to know. We wanted you to get there on time, that’s why we called you so much. I’m so sorry Han, he didn’t make it. Alfie passed away. Han? Han?”
Hannah was silent, shock and fear spreading through her veins like ice. Alfie was dead. No. It couldn’t be. She had only seen him hours previously.
“Han, are you still there? Are you okay?” Jay’s voice sounded worried.
“How did he die?” Hannah’s voice came out small and timid. “I saw him today, I gave him a protein bar sample. Is it my fault?”
“No sweetheart, it can’t have been anything to do with you. He suffered a massive heart attack, you could never have caused that. Would you like me to come over?” Jay offered.
“No thanks, I’d like to be alone tonight. Do you mind if I take tomorrow off?”
“Not at all. Take as long as you need. You don’t have to call, I won’t be expecting you. Take your time. I’ll be here when you need me.”
Hannah hung up. She couldn’t believe it. It must have been her fault. Jay must have just been lying to save her feelings. She killed someone. She was the one who encouraged Alfie to go to the gym and change his diet. She was the one who pushed him hard and encouraged him. She made him try new things and exhausted him. She over-exerted his heart. Alfie was dead because of her.
Hannah’s head was spinning; what was she going to do? She’d have to hand herself into the police, and face Alfie’s family. His family were lovely. What were they going to do without him?
*** ***
The next day was horrible. Hannah didn’t even think of work as she tried to make sense of what happened. She called Alfie’s home, but only managed to stutter her apologies before his sobbing mother cut her off; not wanting to talk to anyone. She called the police station, but they told her to rest and relax as it wasn’t her fault. She wanted to do something; she felt so guilty.
For the next few days, Hannah barely left her room. Her once cared for glossy hair was a bird’s nest; sticking up on end as she ran her fingers through it, trying to remember Alfie’s last conversation with her. Her skin was pale and sallow; dark circles camping out under her eyes. She refused to eat and she slept in fits, a zombie of anguish and pain. Hannah was in agony; all she could think of was Alfie. She murdered him. She was a killer. It didn’t matter what the police said, she knew the truth. Her own mother was worried about her; she had known Alfie too and was greatly saddened by his passing. She didn’t know how to help Hannah, resorting to stroking her hair and holding her.
Grief continued to consume Hannah, her mind a maze of guilt and sorrow. She could barely function; refusing to leave the house. She couldn’t face the outside world; she hated that the world carried on spinning; people carried on; life went on. She thought of Alfie; a grin always plastered to his cheeky face. She thought of his sense of humour and his love of practical jokes, laughing to herself as tears spilled from her red-rimmed eyes. Alfie would hate the self-pity she had been wallowing in. Alfie would have cracked some kind of joke at Hannah’s expense and encouraged her to get up. She listened to the Alfie in her head. Getting up to shower, she thought of Jay for the first time in days. He had been texting her, asking how she was without being pushy. He deserved a reply at least. Hannah knew she was a mess. She was going to wash and get some fresh air, and go to see Jay. It would do her good.
Combing her hair for the first time in a long time, Hannah saw it was coming up to 9pm. She was glad it would be slightly dark as she left the house; she didn’t really want to bump into people she knew. The shop would shut at ten, maybe she could spend some time with Jay. She could tell him what had been going through her head. The weight of her thoughts was becoming too much.
Leaving the house, she zipped up her hoodie. For summer, it was getting pretty cold. Stuffing her hands deep into her pockets, she was glad she was on her holidays from university; she couldn’t imagine having to study as all of this was happening. Hardly anybody was out as she walked; she had no idea what day it was; all the days that passed recently had merged into one. She guessed maybe a Monday or Tuesday; weekends near her house were busy; Nottingham had a great nightlife, the pubs in Newark were busy as people made their way to the bigger clubs. Her footsteps trod the familiar path to the shop, instinctively knowing where to turn and cross the road. She walked this path so many times, to and from work that her brain barely had to think; she could do it blindfolded.
Weaving through the trees, Hannah’s brain turned to Alfie once more. Would he have suffered? She didn’t know anyone who had died, her grandparents passed away before she was born and she had never been to a funeral. She didn’t know grief would be like this, although
she supposed she was feeling guilt as well as grief. Jay would know what to do and what to say. He always did. Hannah felt guilty for ignoring him and his messages.
Turning up the road to Jay’s convenience shop, she noticed there were no cars around. She thought this was unusual; Jay’s shop was always thriving; they often had to ask people to leave at night just so they could go home. He was a fantastic businessman as well as a people person; everyone loved him. Noticing the almost eerie silence, she walked up the path, glad that Jay would almost certainly be alone. They could talk then, perhaps close early. She realised she was craving contact; she loved her mother, but was looking forward to seeing someone else. Entering the shop, she saw nobody, not even Jay. Where was he?
Going to the back of the shop, she noticed he wasn’t in the office. Turning around, she saw it. The sticky pool of red seeping from the counter area. Chills ran down Hannah’s spine as she hoped and begged it was nothing but a smashed jar of pasta sauce. Running over, she saw it wasn’t pasta sauce. The sticky red pool was coming from Jay. Her perfect boyfriend was lying on the floor, covered in blood. Hannah screamed.
Chapter Three
Running over to his motionless body, she checked his pulse, desperate for something, anything to respond to her touch. Nothing. She felt nothing. Resting her cheek over his mouth, hoping for his breath to mist over her skin, Hannah began to shake with fear. What was happening? Was she cursed? First her friend, now her boyfriend, and in such a short space of time! Touching Jay and still feeling no response or sign of life, she ran to the phone. Dialling 999, she felt her world had been torn apart. Jay, beautiful, kind, caring Jay. Why would anyone want to hurt him? He was the nicest man in the whole world. Was. Listening to the operator, she didn’t touch a thing; she knew that there would be an investigation; and she didn’t want to tamper with any evidence; she had read that in the crime novels she loved so well. Although, looking around… she could see the till was still locked. Turning to the displays, she could see that the alcohol, cigarettes and scratch cards were all in their usual places. That seemed odd. Looking around, the only unusual part of the scene was Jay’s dead body next to her on the floor. This hadn’t been a robbery; this had been a vengeful killing. What had happened? What had Jay been caught up in? What could someone’s motive have possibly been?
As soon as she hung up the phone to the emergency services, a brick smashed through the window. Screaming and sobbing with fright, Hannah ran outside. With a complete disregard for her own safety, she stared into the darkness; she only wanted to catch Jay’s killer. She saw nothing, the dark night swimming in front of her. She could see nothing and nobody. Making her way back to the shop, Hannah looked at the brick. On closer inspection, it had a note attached: “I hope this all stops with you, Jay. You have ruined so many lives; I’m only glad I ended yours. You deserved this, for what you’ve done.” Hannah was horrified; Jay was perfect, had this person killed the right man? What on earth had happened? If it weren’t for the name, Hannah was sure this was a case of mistaken identity. She felt she was living in a nightmare. Jay would never have ruined anyone’s life, at least not deliberately; he was the sweetest man she knew. Sweetest man she had known… She was going to have to get used to talking in the past tense. Again.
Staying until the police and ambulance arrived, a terrified Hannah showed the officers the brick and note. She had to give a statement before being allowed to call Jay’s parents. The police were very kind to her, wrapping her slight body in a blanket and fetching her hot drinks to try and stop the uncontrollable shaking she was experiencing. Adam met her at the police station, desperate to know what happened. Upon seeing him, Hannah burst into tears; Adam looked just like Jay, it was unsettling. For a second, she felt like Jay was right in front of her, the body on the floor a horrifying nightmare.
“Han, what happened?” Adam asked, a note of pleading in his voice. It could have been Jay speaking; they were so alike. Why was she being tortured like this?
“He’s dead. I walked in and he’d been stabbed. I’m so sorry. I can’t believe it.” Hannah collapsed into sobs as Adam hugged her. Crying silently together, Hannah wondered if Adam knew anything about Jay’s friends that she didn’t. She daren’t bring up the brick and the note. Adam had just lost his brother and friend. Knowing he was murdered was enough. Hannah couldn’t stop herself from wondering. Why would someone kill such a perfect man?
*** ***
Jay’s passing had a different effect on Hannah than Alfie’s did. She came to learn that Alfie’s death was not her fault; the autopsy results came back and he had been taking a lot of steroids, which had caused his heart attack. She was sad, but relieved that it wasn’t her fault; Jay had been telling the truth. Now, instead of weeping, Hannah felt angry, furious even. She couldn’t mourn when she felt like this. Why had Jay been taken from her? Why had someone killed her perfect wonderful boyfriend? She asked this question over and over in her head, and to Adam. She spent a lot of time with Jay’s family now; laying flowers with his mother and father almost on a daily basis. With Adam, she shared her anger and frustrations; the police weren’t working quickly enough, deciding this was another random stabbing, as was so frequent in Nottingham. They both felt that more could be done; the memory of Jay was being betrayed by the lack of action. Hannah secretly felt she could do a better job herself, but decided not to tell Adam. He drew his strength from Hannah and she didn’t want to harm him in any way.
One day, as she was with Adam, like she usually was, she brought up the corner shop.
“What’s going to happen there now? Is it going to stay shut until someone takes over the lease?”
“Oh Han, I almost forgot,” he said. “There’s loads of unopened post at Jay’s shop for you. I didn’t want to open it; I know that some of the post will be for Kupcake; it’s yours too, not just Jay’s.”
Hannah looked at her feet; she had been desperate to go back since the police had finished checking for fingerprints. It was the place she associated with Jay most; laying flowers outside hadn’t been quite the same. She wanted to find something that the police had missed; she wanted to kick-start the investigation again.
“Do you mind if I go there?” She asked Adam. “I’d like to go back, but I don’t want to cross any boundaries with you or your parents.”
“Han, I think you should go. I don’t mind, I think you should do what feels right for you. Mum and Dad don’t want to go inside; they don’t want to imagine Jay lying there. I kind of feel the same as them to be honest. Will you be okay going in?” Adam asked.
Hannah was grateful for Adam’s response; she had come to rely on him since Jay’s death and really appreciated him as a friend. “I’ll be fine thanks, unless you want to come and wait outside?”
“No thanks; I don’t think I can bring myself to go near the place. I miss him so much. Let me know if you need anything though, I can try and help,” offered Adam.
“I promise; I’ll let you know if I find anything that could be useful. If there’s anything your parents might need, I’ll bring that back too. Thanks, Adam.”
“Han, before you go. I know this is going to be hard for you; I just want you to know Jay loved you very much. You were all he talked about. I think you’re really brave to be going back. I don’t think I’ll ever be strong enough.”
Hannah smiled weakly as she left; her mind already on the shop. She felt bad for Adam, but she needed to do this. Walking purposefully down the street, everything reminded her of Jay. Why would anyone want to hurt him? He was perfect. As she spied the familiar shutters, her stomach clenched. She didn’t want to, but she knew she had to do this; there was no backing out now. Hands shaking, Hannah pulled out her keys. The police had done a good job of tidying; the shop looked ready for opening. She could almost call Steph to begin a shift. Other than the boards on the window, there was no evidence of the horrors that had happened here.
Picking up piles of post, wading through leaflets for the fair and
local takeaways, Hannah made her way to the office to make a start on the mountain of letters. Opening one envelope after another, she began sorting the letters from bills; marking certain ones for Jay’s accountant. She could almost do the shop accounts herself; she’d had loads of practice. Jay preferred to pay an accountant though; he had a lot of businesses. Opening the next letter, she scanned the contents looking for finances or bills. One word unexpectedly jumped out at her. Clenbuterol. She had learned about Clenbuterol in one of her modules at university. It was a drug usually used to treat asthma, to help regulate breathing, but it was often traded on the black market as a weight-loss drug. She carried on reading. Nolvadex. Danabol. Tren 75. She didn’t know the others, but was certain they were similar to Clenbuterol. Illegal steroids. Why was Jay receiving invoices for those? She checked the address; it was definitely to the shop. What was going on?
Oh God, Alfie. With a start, Hannah realised this must have something to do with Alfie. He asked for Jay the day he died; she had noticed Alfie was getting steadily bigger. With a sickening feeling, she realised he must have been buying steroids from Jay. Hannah recalled feeling so impressed he lost weight and gained muscle so quickly. It couldn’t just be Alfie. She thought back to all the strangers that came in, vanishing when meeting her eyes. They were all massive. It never happened to smaller, weedy guys or girls. Jay was a drug dealer. He was dealing illegal steroids to people. Hannah didn’t know her boyfriend at all. It seemed so obvious now; how he always vanished to do paperwork, but actually sent it all off. How he seemed to know all her male school friends, despite being older and from a different area. How he always had cash and didn’t mind closing early sometimes. He was making his money from the drugs, not the shop. The shop must have been a cover; he must have been using the shop to hide his dirty money! With a sick feeling, Hannah realised he was probably using Kupcake to hide his money too. She had been dating a drug-dealing, money-laundering murderer. But he was still a nice person. Why would someone stab him?
