by Claire Davis
“How did you know I was going to need them?”
“I’ve got a brain.”
I wrote names in a haze of giddiness.
“I’m getting married tomorrow, Jen! To Loz.” I added, for clarification. “Shall I put these in pigeon holes?”
“Ye. Nick from court one and Marg are on leave, but I can post theirs on the way home.”
We posted all the invites, quickly, in case the world changed its mind.
“What’s the meeting for?”
“Usual stuff.”
“Oh god, it must be serious if they’ve called all floors.”
We headed for the room which was full of people standing at the back and the edges trying to merge with the beige paint. This was where I’d spent much of my life—listening to team agendas and strategies while feverishly adding up monthly bills. The HR manager already stood at the front, which meant bad news.
“Thanks for coming everyone! Can Tom come to the front?”
Jenny pushed me forward, but they probably meant the other Tom because no way I could be expected to stand there in front of all those bloody people. The front was for the handsome, brave, and young—those who go round friends’ houses and on team nights out. It was an unspoken rule I’d understood all my life...The front was for the others. “Go on!” She whacked my behind unceremoniously. There were murmurs and whispers as I shuffled forward trying out arms crossed then uncrossed. It seemed my legs had forgotten how to walk properly. I wasn’t sure I’d cleaned my teeth that morning.
My stomach!
“Tom, we wanted to say congratulations and wish you luck.” Barbara handed me what looked like the world’s biggest bouquet of flowers. I was engulfed in clapping and red shock. “You’re one of the kindest nicest people I know. Your fella is a lucky man. We hope you‘ll be very happy and don’t forget we want to see the photos when you get back!”
“Thank you,” I whispered, taking the flowers, the colours of summer and friendship. “Thank you so much.”
Peering through at the faces, it didn’t look so bad from the front after all.
****
“What will I need to pack?” I asked innocently as anyone can do after a slow and giddy bout of the kind of sex that left me whimpering. “Where did you say we’re going again?”
“Stop fishing.” Loz chided, but he couldn’t resist another kiss. “Shorts, swimming pants and one pair of long trousers.” I’d never flown or left the U.K, though of course I’d visited museums at Leeds and gone to London to see Lou at Uni. “Passports and papers all ready in the leather folder.” He smiled. “Don’t forget your drawing stuff.” He casually picked up my Marks bag with the white ensemble and peered inside.
“Hey that’s mine. It’s meant to be secret.”
“No darling, this one is mine. See?” He handed me the bag. Inside are white garments.
“But—where’s the other bag?”
He solemnly handed over the other—identical—Marks bag. We peered in together at more white clothes.
“Oh my god. We picked exactly the same stuff.” I thought back to Jenny ‘helping’ me. Clearly, there had been some collaborative skulduggery afoot.
“I know.” He giggled all red and cheeky, like a kid. “I already peeped in yours.”
“A-Ha! This is a plan to make us both look like Tibetan monks.”
Our bedroom was hot from the sun pouring through the windows onto the bed, and from the loosening in my chest. We had a suitcase open on the bed strewn with various clothes. It was green and new because Loz’s was too small for us both and I didn’t even have one.
It was ours.
“I’m so excited!” I came home clutching my flowers from work and something enormous in my head and bones. “I hope nothing goes wrong.”
“What can go wrong now?” He squeezed my hand. “We’re together, and that’s how we’ll face things. No one can ruin it, darling, and who would want to? I’ve done nothing but smile all day like a goon.”
“Shall we go and check on the hall? Have a final look round at doors and where we’ll have to wait while the guests come in?”
“Oh no. Lou is there doing her stuff. We may not visit on pain of death.” He laughed. “We’re meeting her there at eleven and see the official at quarter past to go over events.”
“Doing her stuff?” I was intrigued. All I knew from breakfast is that I was in for a day of surprises tomorrow. “Table decorations?” Lou always loved doing the table, when she had birthday parties and at Christmas. “She’s good at those candle sticks.”
“Yes...a few table decorations...and that.”
“I can’t believe it’s really here.” And ever so much more than that.
“Will you be ok? With everyone looking at us?”
“Let’s practise again? It’s my stomach I’m worried about.” And the white trousers—and Mum—having all those people staring—the vows—and even a bloody great big truck driving through the hall.
“Okay.” He took both my hands. “I’m reading mine first. All you have to do is not laugh and set me off.”
“But how will we know when?” Our readings were secret. I’d practised mine over and over and planned to bring it on paper, in case I tumbled over the words. “What if I say it in the wrong order?”
“The registrar will let us know, darling. First, she welcomes people, and does a little talk about love and so on; then I do my reading, and she does the legal checks.”
My stomach lurched.
“Let’s look at the rings? Then go through it again, just once more?”
“What are you most worried about, Tom?”
I didn’t have to think very hard. “When we walk in, and it’s all quiet with everyone looking right at me.” I swallowed. “That I’ll think of—you know.” That I’d go back in time to a hall full of disapproving faces, praying for what I could never be. Having to explain, and admit. Trying to run and my father chasing and dragging me back like a dog.
He pulled me in tight because I wasn’t eighteen or alone anymore. “Fucking bastards. I try not to say anything. It’s all so long ago and what’s the point? But I hate them, Tom. They’re not going to spoil anything else of your life. I promise.”
Chapter six
On the morning of the wedding, I slept long past the dawn.
On the morning of the wedding.
The morning of the wedding! For the first time in months, by the time I padded to the bathroom window the ebb and flow between day and night was over. Saturday’s horizon was a ball of atomic yellow, surrounded by darker long shadows. Behind, the sun already burst through because nothing could stop it, not now. Rabbits on the grass were playing and cheerful songs of birds all around, ‘Tom is getting married today, yes.’
“It’s today, bunnies.”
Arms slipped around my waist.
“Do you see the rabbits?” I whispered, not because my voice could possibly scare them off but because I was tentative at starting this day too quickly. I wanted to notice every little thing so that later on, I could draw and capture...Keep it forever. “And the birds?”
“Mm.” He kissed my neck. “How’s your stomach?”
“Didn’t get me up once all night.” I hadn’t thought of it.
“Good. We’ve got time for a long breakfast on the patio then we can go through the checklist. Cases by the door— brown bag with documents—keys—phones all ready to go.” I turned into his arms and held his head to look, but he escaped by squishing my nose against his.
“So we leave all the stuff in the hall and collect it tonight? The car stays here?”
“Yes. Hikmat is picking us up half ten.”
“But what if we forget something?”
“We haven’t, but we’ll check again. As long as there’s passports and wallets, nothing much else matters, does it? Kathy is keeping an eye on the house.”
“Tenerife here we come!” I kissed him loudly. “It will be bloody fantastic.”
****<
br />
Magic was running in long waves around the room; coming from our bodies and mingling with the atmosphere. I watched Loz pacing up and down and tried to stay calm. “I feel so weird,” he said.
“More alive than normal?”
“Yes, exactly!” He kissed my nose noisily. “I have to concentrate on breathing in case I forget. I feel like running round the outside of the building shouting my head off, crying, and having sex.” He panted. “And I’m sure I’m hallucinating.” He stretched his arms, revealing a strip of hairy stomach.
“Hah-hah. Welcome to my world of synaesthesia.” I tickled his sides.
“People are still arriving. Hundreds of them. Maybe thousands,” he said shakily. “How long did Lou say we have to wait here for?”
“Until all the guests have arrived.” I pulled him in close, but he was too agitated to keep still. “Thousands?” I deliberately wasn’t looking. I wanted to see Mum arriving, but then again maybe I didn’t.
He clutched my arm. “Well, maybe not thousands. They all look so lovely! There’s Jenny.”
“She’s not on her own, is she? I asked Hikmat to pick her up because it’s the first thing she’s gone to since Bernard died.”
“Poor Jen. Nope, not on her own though. What time is it now? I’m shit scared, darling.” Loz bit his lip. Curly chest hair escaped from his tunic. He was so kissable I might not be able to stop. “Oh god. I know I’m going to cry.”
“Me too.”
“Ha-ha-ha-ha. We’ll be like Laurel and Hardy.”
The door opened. All the breath was sucked through the vortex opening up in my chest. I clutched Loz back.
She wore a long, silken dress, carrying something over her arm wrapped in black plastic. The dress was shiny with all the colours clamouring like an audience clapping. Midnight blue and dancing, the orange of love, scattered with pink and silver. She beamed. “Are we ready, boys?”
“Oh wow, you look beautiful. Is it time?” Loz was already a little tearful.
She took a hand from us both. “Nearly time.” She was a confident young woman, but I knew she was also nervous.
“Have you made that dress?” I couldn’t stop looking. It moved when she did, like the trees in the wind. It made me ache to laugh, cry, and dance. Along the hem were tiny dancing figures of foxes and birds, cats and hedgehogs holding hands to form an intricate lace border. “I’ve never seen anything like it.”
She nodded. “Do you like it? Tell me the truth. I started making it years ago, after the first time I met Loz. ”
“Yes,” we answered together.
“Thank God!” Her face relaxed. “These are for you.” She carefully unwrapped the black bag, to reveal long sashes of the same material as her dress. She placed them around our necks to float against the white of the tunics. “I wasn’t sure if they’d look better around your waist or your neck.”
“To show we’re a family?” Loz stroked his. “That’s so lovely. What a marvellous idea. I love it!”
I stroked the sash against my cheek. For a few seconds, I held the years, all the walks and drawings together. I saw her as a little girl staring at the white canvas, waiting to bring life onto the page.
“Dad, don’t cry.”
“White canvas, waiting to live.” I smiled through the tears.
“We look amazing.” Loz squeezed my hand. “Except for the red noses.”
“I want you to have the best day and to know how much I love you. Blow your noses.” She waited patiently as Loz and I blew. “Are we ready? The last guest arrived. Are you all right, Dad?”
“Yes.”
She took our hands and led us into the waiting area at the back of the hall. The guests couldn’t see us yet, but there was laughter and talking from within. I was relieved to see it was nothing like a church.
“Any minute now,” Lou muttered.
At first, I couldn’t make out if it was a plane or the shimmering sash. Black dots fired through the air like bats at night. I made myself breathe through the confusion. Soon I would have to walk into the hall.
“What is that?” I listened, trying to pinpoint.
“Drums!” Loz whispered. “Hear them, Tom? It’s the Dhol drummers come to announce our wedding!”
Drums, rolling like the start of a battle. The sounds crashed together then synchronised to form a steady beat of a beginning. It rolled and teased into a tune rich with anticipation.
I forgot to worry.
The dramatic sound crashed as the sea, and my feet were itching to dance. The two drummers appeared, grinning at us as they made their slow way into the wedding hall, preparing the guests for our entrance. I squeezed Lou’s hand.
“Oh, Lou.” Loz was practically jumping up and down in his excitement. “So perfect. See, Tom? There’s not going to be any silence.”
“Just wait a few minutes, then we enter. We walk to the front, and you can speak to the guests and chat. There’s no rush. By the time you get to the front, a lot of people will be dancing. No-one will be staring. It’s informal, and anything goes. Is it okay, Dad?” They both peered at me anxiously.
“It’s fantastic! The best day of my life.” I was having a hard time doing anything except wonder.
It was time.
We stepped into the hall with Lou walking in the middle. I blinked against the momentary blindness of colour, drums, and emotion.
My feet took me a few steps at a time. Hundreds of people appeared, clapping us on the back and smiling. I’d thought it would be solemn and official, but it was party happy. People wore dresses and suits, sari’s and tunics of all colours and styles but what stood out was the scarves and sashes of Lou’s material. Each guest had either a scarf draped over one shoulder or a cloth flower pinned to their jacket. The children had hats and hair bands. It was a sea, and the boats were made of the colours of our love.
By the time I got halfway up through the hall, people were dancing to the drums, pulling us in. Any lingering worries slipped away into the warmth and the gold.
As we got to the front, Lou stepped back to sit with the guests and it was Loz and I.
The registrar read her part and then Loz turned to face the hall. He was a quiet speaker, but the magnitude of his orange beauty, blinding loud as the sun.
“I wanted to say something about love, and how it makes you real. When I met Tom, I was an ordinary man, getting to middle aged. I’d thought I was settling down to a life alone. Then one week I noticed this person—Tom—at work. He always had his head down like everyone else, but his desk was covered in drawings of tiny animals. There were rabbits playing tennis—horses having a bath—birds doing the shopping. Even a fox on a motorbike! They were just drawings, but with so much life it sometimes seemed they actually moved. I couldn’t stop looking, and I started to wonder about this man. How did he keep all those worlds inside his head? I kept trying to catch his attention but like the foxes—he hid away.
Well, it took a lot of patience, because foxes are shy and that made me shy too. One day I waited until he went to lunch and then I drew a fox, with my name on his jumper. It was rubbish, obviously. I drew it on the back of a menu and left it on his keyboard. The next day—same time—I checked, and he’d copied the Loz fox and put him on a chair, chatting to a Tom fox.” He paused to glance back at me then drew me close.
“It captivated me! He was so brilliant and kind to his drawings. It’s not easy to explain, but he gave them humour and funny, sweet things like slippers. It made me tingle all over. I can honestly say it’s the most exciting thing that ever happened to me. For weeks—”
“Ten days,” I corrected.
“Took ten days to lose my heart—completely lose it. Every day our foxes got more and more exciting. They came to life. When I went home, I thought about them having tea and running a bath. When I stood in the supermarket queue, all I could do was think about Tom and the foxes. They became real, actually more real than the rest of the world.” He had to stop, so I carried on.
“One day the Tom fox asked the Loz fox—by speech bubble—if he fancied coming to the pub.” It was the bravest thing I’d ever done. I never told Loz, but after writing the words I panicked and screwed it up...Three times. Jenny slapped me hard up the back of my head so by the time he got back from lunch, there was a brand new drawing, and I had a headache.
Loz kissed me, before carrying on. “Then we started dating, and a whole new world cracked open. I stopped being a replica of a human and became real. They say life begins at forty, but mine began the day you noticed me. I still can’t believe someone like you would ever look twice at me! You are my best friend, the bravest man I know. My artist, my partner. I love you.” Warm aches of river transported us up, somewhere above the clouds. For several minutes—or hours—I wasn’t sure what happened except arms and laughing, and love.
“Are you ready to go on?” The registrar asked, after what seemed like hours.
“Yes.” I sensed Loz stiffen as I faced the people come here to see us married. Rows of smiles and scarves and Loz’s hand, warm against my own. I’d forgotten how to speak and what my voice sounded like. I faltered…A sound burst out from my throat and gutted me with a sharp white light. I opened my mouth, but nothing came out. In desperation, I shut my eyes to block the crashing.
“Say it to me, darling. Just to me,” he whispered into my hair. “Pretend it’s just us.” I didn’t care if the world could see or hear, it only mattered that I never hid again. I gripped his hands, hard and tried again. From across the hall, I concentrated on Lou’s dress, and thought of paint on a white canvas.
“There’s lots of magic in this world. I see it each morning at dawn, and at night when I watch the foxes. It’s in a child’s laugh and when you realize your oldest friend has lines around her eyes. It’s everywhere. But there’s another magic, and that’s having a partner who sees where you keep your toothbrush, and when you need to be held at night. Being able to love them is a very special kind of magic. Every day is a journey, but that’s a lot of days to get through on your own. My Loz, he changed my life in so many ways, and I can’t wait to live it with him at my side. As my husband.” I tried to slow down. “Before I met you, I drew animals and people, but never me. I hid in the bushes and the trees because I didn’t think anyone wanted to see. So here I am, stepping out of the undergrowth, a fox no more.” I took his face in my hands. “With all my heart, I love you, Lawrence.”
