by Megan Smith
I’m a fucking idiot. A complete fucking idiot. I take another swig and try texting Jaylinn again.
Me 11:48pm: Jay we have to talk. Come home. Please.
I sit and wait with no reply. A quarter of the tequila is gone and my body starts to warm and the numbing starts to take over. Outside I hear people yelling and screaming; fireworks are going off somewhere close by. I lean my head back against the cabinet with a thud.
“Happy Fucking New Year, Jay. Wherever you are.”
My body is aching and my head is pounding. What the hell happened? I slowly open my eyes. Groaning, I roll onto my back. The moving causes my stomach to turn and roll. I’m going to be sick. I turn my head to the side and I see an empty bottle with a gold label and the realization hits that I drank a whole bottle of Jose Cuervo. I close my eyes and take a couple of deep breaths to try and calm my protesting stomach.
The shrill ring of my house phone startles me and does me in. I crawl to the trash can, barely making it before throwing up the contents of my stomach. When I’m satisfied there’s nothing left I lay back down on the kitchen floor and let the cold tiles cool my heated face.
Why did I drink the entire bottle?
Then last night starts to replay in my head. Jaylinn and I dancing at the bar, making out in the car ride home, the amazing fucking blow job, the sweet taste of her pussy and then me fucking it all up.
I try to sit up but it feels like someone is banging on my head with a hammer. I look around for my phone, hoping that Jaylinn has texted me back.
It’s across the kitchen floor in pieces. Well, fuck.
The doorbell rings. I cover my ears with my hands and cringe. Shit! I’m never drinking this much ever again.
The front door beeps as someone comes into my house.
“Cooper?” Mason yells.
I squeeze my eyes shut tightly and add more pressure against my ears, trying to make the sound go away.
“Coop?” Mason yells again, this time closer.
I slowly open my eyes and let the room come into focus. Mason is standing directly in front of me.
My head is pounding and I’m not happy he’s even here right now. “If you had a damn key did you really need to ring the doorbell, asshole?”
I remove my hands from my ears and run them through my hair. It’s wet. I grimace at the thought of what it could be. My kitchen is a damn disaster. I notice that the tequila bottle is accompanied by five or six beer bottles that are strewn across the floor, along with the pieces of my cell phone and a chair with a broken leg. The whole place is trashed.
“Well that explains why you didn’t answer my texts and calls.” Mason says as he picks up my shattered iPhone.
I grunt.
“What the fuck happened?” Mason questions me.
I roll my eyes and it causes me to wince. “What does it look like?”
Mason crosses his arms. “It looks like you had a party for one.”
I huff, “What do you want?”
I’m not in the mood to ride the Mason train today.
He kicks a beer bottle out of his way. “Where’s Jay?”
I hang my head. I knew that’s what he was going to ask. “I don’t know. We got into a fight and she left.”
Mason nods his head. He reaches a hand out to me and helps me off the floor. “What was the fight about?”
I dust my pants off, needing something to do with my hands. “Nothing I can’t handle, Mase.”
“I didn’t ask if you could handle it bro. I asked what it was about. You two have been pussy footing around your feelings for years now. I thought you would have gotten your head out of your ass by now.” Mason doesn’t hold back.
“Mase…” I start. I need to unload on someone but I made that damn promise and I can’t go back on it. “I’ll handle it ok, besides, for the hundredth time there isn’t anything going on between me and Jay.”
He laughs, “When are you going to stop lying to yourself? Didn’t you learn anything from me?”
I narrow my eyes.
“I’m serious. Everybody knows you guys having feelings for each other. What we don’t understand is why you’re both hiding it.” Mason shakes his head. “Our last semester of college you and Jay were never apart unless we had an away game and should couldn’t come. Then you were texting her or on the phone with her all the fucking time.”
I rub my chest, trying to ease the pain of my heart fucking crushing. “Just leave it alone, Mase.”
Mason huffs, “I’m not letting you fuck this up. That girl owns you man and you know it whether you want to admit it or not.”
My shoulders slump in defeat knowing he’s right. “She does, Mase. She fucking does.”
Mason pats me on the back a little harder the necessary. “Then fix this shit, get your head out of your damn ass and go claim your girl before it’s too late.”
I cross my arms against my chest because I kinda know I’ve already lost her. “I think it’s already too late.”
Mason smirks, “You’re a Cahill, it’s never too late.”
After Mason left I made myself a piece of toast and took some pain reliever. I finished off three bottles of water, cleaned up the kitchen and took a shower. I’m lying downstairs on the couch instead of my bed because I can’t stand to be in there with Jaylinn’s scent still hanging onto my blankets and pillows. I flip through the channels looking for the New York Giants game but the front door beeps. I sit up and look over the back of the couch to see who it is.
Jaylinn walks in and stops when she sees me. Her beautiful hair is up in a messy bun thing, she has on a bright pink hoodie, those damn tight ass, black pants that I love on her and her pink Nike’s that match her hoodie.
She looks down to the keys in her hands. She slides a key, the house key, off her key ring and holds it up. “Just wanted to drop this off and grab my things. I’ll be out in five minutes.”
“Jay…” I quickly stand and walk over to her, pleading with her to listen to me. “We have to talk.”
She shakes her head, “There isn’t anything to talk about, Cooper. This is it for me.” She reaches up and wipes a tear away. “I can’t do this with you anymore.”
I grab her chin and tilt her head her up so I can see her swollen red eyes. “You just need to hear me out okay? Give me the chance to make you understand it from my eyes.”
She turns her head looking towards the kitchen. “I’m done, Cooper.”
“No,” I shake my head, “you’re not done.”
“Don’t tell me what I am or aren’t.” She pushes me back, her eyes flaring with anger and resentment. “Explain to me what the hell has been going on between us for the past year,” She puts her hands on her hips, her eyes so cold and harsh that I almost can’t look at them. “Do I mean anything at all to you?” Her face turns slightly red from her anger.
I’ve got to get her to calm down or she isn’t going to listen to anything I have to say. I step into the kitchen and pull out a bottle of water and hand it to her. I just need her to relax for a minute before I try to explain myself.
Jaylinn glares at me but takes the water anyway. She takes a sip then places it on the counter.
I tentatively take a step towards her and watch her reaction. Her body tenses but she doesn’t make any other move.
I reach for her right hand, the one that my ring is on. Her hand shakes in mine. “Do you know why I bought you this ring?”
“Yes.” She says as her voice cracks.
I shake my head. “No, I don’t think you do.” I bring her hand up and kiss the ring. She jerks her hand back when my lips touch her skin but I don’t let go. “It’s a trust ring. I bought it because I need you to know that you can always trust me. I’d never lie to you and you can trust me with anything.” I take a deep breath. “It also means that I will always be there for you whenever you need me.”
Jaylinn rolls her eyes, “Yeah, sure you are.”
I place a finger over her lips. “Listen to me.
I know what you want, Jay. You’ve made it crystal clear, but…” I take a second, waiting until she looks me in the eyes so she can see the things I can’t express the right way, my emotions, my pain, my heartache. “I’m not ready for that. You know that I blame myself for what that asshole almost did to you. If it had happened I would never have been able to get past it. I failed you that night.” My voice breaks, right along with my heart. “I knew better than to leave you by yourself at that party but I was so wrapped up in trying to keep you out of my bed that I put you in harm’s way.”
“Coop---” I place my finger back over her mouth, not wanting to hear what she’s going to say.
“I know what you’re going to say. You spelled it out last night, Jay. You got over it and so should I. The thing about it though, I can’t seem to. It’s the reason why I call you my brave, fearless girl. Nothing happened to me and yet I’m the one who can’t get over it.” I blow out a frustrated sigh, hoping it will get easier but it doesn’t, I still have to say this next part. “You want me to make love to you because you want to make new memories and wash the old ones away. But what if,” I swallow hard shaking my head. “When it happens you can’t handle it? What then?”
I step away from Jaylinn and run my hands through my hair, not understanding why she can’t see my side of this.
“Goddamn it…” I feel like I can barely breathe, let alone understand what’s happening. I walk over to the sink and look out over the back yard to watch the snow fall. After a few moments I turn to face her again and lay the truth out. “What if I can’t handle it? I love you so damn much that it scares me, Jay. If my making love to you screws everything up for us then what? I’ll lose you. Do you understand what that’ll do to me?”
“The thing is…” Jaylinn stares at me with tears running down her face and it feels like acid on my skin to watch them fall. What she’s about to say is written in her eyes and I swallow, attempting to prepare myself. When she does say it, nothing could have prepared me for that the hurt I feel. “You’ve already lost me, Cooper.”
My eyebrows rise in surprise from the admission, but also from annoyance that she believes this. “I haven’t.”
She nods, “You have. You’re stuck in the past.” She hiccups through the tears. “The tattoo, Cooper, Inhale the future, exhale the past. It’s the only way for me, and you’re not seeing that. You are stuck in the past. Not me.”
She’s sobbing so hard that it’s shaking her whole body and it’s everything I can do not to wrap my arms around her, but I lose that battle with myself quickly. Not being able to take it for another second, I wrap my arms around her waist and tuck her head under my chin. My own eyes mist over knowing that she’s right. She’s always been right. I fucked this up on my own.
We stand like this for what seems like forever but not nearly long enough. She’s stopped crying now but hasn’t let me go. Part of me never wants her to. The other part knows she will.
The ding of her phone causes her to jump. She uses her sleeve to wipe away her tears. Her mask has slipped back on and she’s in defense mode. Jaylinn pulls her phone out of the pocket from her hoodie; she glances at it and then puts it back.
She clears her throat. “I’m just going to grab the few things I have here and then I’ll be out of your way.”
“Jay,” I say with warning.
“Don’t Cooper. Don’t make this any worse than it is. It’s over, it was fun while it lasted but it’s time for the both of us to move on.” She turns and walks down the hall.
A few minutes go by; my body is screaming at me to go after her and beg her to stay but my mind won’t let me.
“Yo man, have you seen Jay?” I ask Eli who came to the party with us.
He shakes his head, “Last I saw she was sitting on the couch over there with Kevin.”
My stomach drops. Kevin’s the campus drug dealer. He used to be a tight end for the football team in our freshman year at college but was kicked off the team after drugs were found in his dorm. He’s from New Jersey too, but he lived up north and actually went to high school with Eli in Hoboken. Eli said he used to be really popular until he started hanging out with the wrong crowd.
I drop my arm from around Courtney, the girl I was planning on taking home, and go to try and find Jaylinn. Fuck, I knew I shouldn’t have brought her with me but I couldn’t tell her no. All that girl has to do is bat her eye lashes and I cave.
I search the whole downstairs of the frat house for her and Kevin but they are nowhere to be seen. Panic starts to set in, chilling me to the bone. I race up the stairs, three on the right, three on the left and one straight back. The first door opens and some guy is standing there that I don’t recognize, pulling a shirt over his head. I check the bed to make sure Jaylinn isn’t there. I do this to the next five doors; all were opened and occupied but Jaylinn wasn’t in any of them. I get to the last door on the left; it’s dark so I reach around the wall for a light switch. I flick it on and the room is empty.
“Where the fuck is she?” I roar.
I slam the door shut and stamp to the last door. My heart rate spikes causing a swooshing sound in my ears, my body shakes with rage. I turn the door knob, it’s locked. I bang on it, “Jaylinn,” Nothing, complete silence.
Something isn’t right. My stomach knots and I try banging on the door a few times, hoping someone is just passed out and can’t hear me. After a minute I can’t take it anymore and I ram my shoulder into the door. Once, twice, and finally it gives way.
My heart stops, I can’t breathe and my vision blurs.
The banging of a suitcase coming down the stairs shakes me from the flashback. I’m still standing in the same spot, leaning against the counter in the kitchen, when Jaylinn stops at the bottom of the stairs and leans her suitcase against the table in the hallway by the front door.
My face is wet as I recall that night I’ll never forget. I wipe my eyes with the back of my hand. I know what’s coming. I feel it in my bones, a coldness taking over and seeping into my veins like ice water.
Jaylinn walks back into the kitchen and stands in front of me. She looks down to her hands for a second before she looks up at me. My heart stops as Jaylinn slides the ring off and holds it out for me to take.
I shake my head no and tuck my hands in my pockets. I’m not taking that ring.
She looks down to the ring between her fingers, and then clutches it in her fist. She stands up on her tiptoes and kisses my cheek.
I take my hands out of my pockets and try to reach for her hips but before I’m able to grab a hold of her she backs away, her eyes full of sadness for her, for me, for us. I see it then, she wants this to work so badly but I’m holding her back. It’s right there in the tears she’s shedding and the way she can’t look at me now.
“Jay,” I plead, knowing if I could get her to look at me then I might have a chance to change her mind, one last chance.
She shakes her head back and forth quickly, her eyes on the ground. “This is me being brave and fearless.”
I watch as she walks down the hallway. She stops in front of the table and looks back over to me. “I can’t keep this. It hurts too much.” She says as she places the ring on the table and then grabs the handle of her suitcase and walks out the front door, taking a huge chunk of my heart that I know I’ll never get back.
The door shuts and I go crazy because I know what I’ve lost.
“Fuck!” I say as my fist connects with the wall. The outburst offers me nothing in the sense of relief; it only reminds me of what just walked out. I hit a few more things and nothing helps, it only makes me angrier.
I know one thing for sure; I need to get out of this house. I need to forget this and get out of my own head.
This is what’s best for us. She needs to find a guy that will be able to give her the world and not be stuck in the past. She deserves much more then I can give her. She’s right, I am stuck in the past so what else could I give her? I couldn’t possibly give her a
future.
Right?
“Don’t fight me baby.”
My body wants me to move. It’s begging me to. I try to turn my head away from the voice. It’s no use I can’t move it.
What is happening to me? Why can’t I move?
I feel warm, sweaty, hands sliding up my sides, and then I’m being held up by my neck and now my shirt is gone. I can’t feel anything, it’s all numb. This is wrong, all wrong.
“I’m going to make you feel so good.”
This can’t be happening. I have to do something. I have to fight. I have to…I don’t know. I’ve been here before, I live this over and over again but each time something feels different, as if it’s playing out differently.
“Play nice and I’ll make this real good for you.” I’ve heard these words before, the same disgusting tone scratches at my skin like sharp nails.
I want to spit in his face, fight him, kick and scream and hope for my will to give me the strength.
And then I hear him, he’s coming, he’s here for me.
“Cooper!”
My own screaming wakes me up from yet another nightmare; it’s the same one over and over again and I can’t shake it. I’m panting and sweating as fear courses through my body. It’s on my skin like a sticky substance that I can’t get off, as if it’s a reminder that night is tattooed on me.
I need the light so I sit up and reach over to turn on the lamp that’s next to by my bed. The light casts a light glow over my bedroom, the grey walls matching my mood perfectly. But the grey only reminds me of Cooper’s grey blue eyes and the fact that he’s not here. Running my hands through my hair, I attempt to work on calming my erratic heartbeat and breathing.
It was just a dream Jay, it’s not reality.
I hear my mom’s footsteps walking down the hall towards my room and then she taps on my door. Damn it, I woke her up again.
