“Whenever you say angel, I hear whore, and that word is the biggest trigger I have.”
“You’re not a whore, Serenity,” he says in the softest voice I’ve ever heard him use.
“I thought we were only working on one trigger at a time,” I joke, my voice drowning out the replay of the word “whore” in my head. It’s like as soon as it is said my mind wants to shut down. Sometimes the truth is hard to swallow, I’m learning that lesson the hard way.
“I have a feeling that one, and the one we are working on, go hand in hand,” Taz says.
“I don’t blame you, Taz, not anymore,” I state. “I blame myself.”
After our last exchange, I left the clubhouse feeling hurt and angry from his words. Then I realized he wasn’t the one to blame. I did whore myself out, that’s a fact I’ll have to live with every single-day. Just like I have to live with the knowledge I did it for a man I ‘d spent most my life chasing after. A man that would never love me. Maybe I would have been better off letting them kill us both, but I didn’t. It’s my weight to bear, and I’ll just have to learn to do it alone.
The room stays quiet after my declaration. I listen to the sound of Taz’s breathing until my eyes start to get heavy with sleep. Just before my body is about to shut down, forcing me to rest no matter what nightmares lie ahead, I hear Taz’s voice break the silence.
“I’m sorry,” he whispers, probably trying to rid himself of the guilt he feels toward my insanity. I remember the look in his eyes the night he broke my heart. He meant every word, so the apology is not for the things he said.
“Rise and shine,” Taz says, pulling the covers off my body. The shorts I’m wearing have ridden-up my thighs, baring all my flaws, and the tank top-top is tangled around my torso, the top of the “s” in Slasher’s name peeking out.
Taz’s eyes zero in on all my uncovered skin and it makes me flush. His eyes become hooded before a small smile tugs at his lips.
“You look comfortable,” he says before noticing the edge of the scar on my abdomen. I realize what I must look like with bandages scattered on my arms, and some man’s name etched onto my skin. He must be trying to lighten the mood by joking, no one wants to wake a woman up talking about how crazy she looks.
“I need a shower,” I rush out, yanking the blanket from his grasp.
“You’ve got thirty minutes, then we’re heading out,” Taz says, walking out of the room.
Rushing to get into the conjoining bathroom, I strip myself down while falling over my feet, my mind occupied on where it is he’s planning on taking me. The water is scolding hot, just the way I need it, before I step under the spray. My skin immediately burns, but my mind is convinced the heat is working. I can feel some of the filth burning its way off me. Using the roughest rag I could find, I start the process of scrubbing my skin raw, but clean.
“Hello everyone,” I mumble once I walk into the kitchen. Mia, Rebecca, and Sammy are all sitting around the table eating breakfast, while the bikers are washing dishes.
“Serenity, come eat,” Mia commands, pointing to the table lined with dish after dish of food.
“What’s going on?” I ask before sitting down beside her, making a point to look at the men doing house work.
“Don’t mind them, they lost a bet,” she replies. I can feel her eyes staring at my abused-redden skin, and it causes me to shift in my seat.
After Taz takes the seat beside mine, I can see him shake his head out of the corner of my eye, and exchange a look with Mia. I can’t help but wonder what the silent conversation was, but there’s no way I’m asking. Whatever it was, I’m glad for it because when she does look back at me it’s with a smile on her face.
“Torch told me you’re going to go play detective with Taz today,” she says.
“Torch needs to learn to keep his mouth shut,” Taz growls, watching as I purposely avoid putting any syrup on my pancakes. Instead I just smother them in butter, and pretend they still taste as good.
“Maybe she’ll be the one to find the bastard,” Mia says.
“Find who?” I question, thinking Tarnished Souls has another enemy on their top-ten list. Sometimes it’s hard to keep up with what’s going on around here.
“Slasher,” Taz says, watching me close for any reaction I may have. He probably thinks the name is another one of my trigger words, but it’s not. Maybe because it’s carved into my skin, and I read it every day. I’ve spent countless hours thinking about it, trying to figure out why I can say and hear his name without consequences, but I always come up empty-handed.
“My dad’s okay with this?” I question.
“Let me worry about Buck,” Taz replies, placing another pancake on my barely-eaten stack. Scooting the fluffy disk around with my fork, I try to process what I’ve just been told.
Taz and I are going to spend the day together looking for a man that is as psychotic as they come. Anything could happen. We might find him, we might not, we could come across some of his goons, or we could come up empty-handed at every turn. Can my psyche handle any of those outcomes?
“No,” I say finally, pushing the plate of uneaten food away. “No,” I repeat, getting to my feet.
“We can talk about this in private,” Taz suggests, looking at the door. His eyes are telling me to take that exit quietly because he doesn’t want to have an audience. This is typical for Taz, he’s always hated airing out his dirty laundry.
“Taz, maybe this is too much too soon,” Mia states, now standing beside me. When she places her arm around my shoulder, I feel some of her strength transfer to me.
“It’s not your place to have an opinion Mia. Let’s go,” Taz orders looking from Mia’s eyes back to mine. I can see the irritation building behind his stare.
“How come you get to freely throw yours around, but Mia isn’t allowed to have one?” I begin to question because I no longer stand alone, Mia is at my side. Maybe it’s the sense of security her presence is giving me, or perhaps Slasher didn’t destroy the part of my personality that likes to argue, but I decide I can’t back down.
I can feel everyone’s eyes on us. All the members are waiting for what their VP will do next. I hear Saint clear his throat, covering a laugh, and Irish is standing in my peripheral vision smiling from ear to ear.
“I’m not doing this here,” Taz growls before walking out of the kitchen. I should be feeling ecstatic that I won, but I find myself trying to ignore the pain in my chest. The look he gave me before walking out was one of betrayal.
“He’s just being a big baby,” Mia whispers in my ear.
“I don’t care,” I reply deciding I need another shower. I need to rub away this sense of dread that is blanketing my body.
“Hey, where are you going?” Mia hollers out as I walk out of the kitchen.
“I just need to get something from my room,” I lie because the truth would only make me feel worse. Once everyone finds out about the things I did, they’ll see me for what I really am.
Taz
I stomp out of the kitchen, not from defeat, but from the reality that my anger will transport Serenity into another world. I can’t stand having a personal conversation in front of people that are not involved. My business is not first page news, and I will never advertise it as such. Serenity knows this, and I think Mia being there gave her the push she needed to stand up to me. I should be thankful Serenity isn’t so damaged she’s become a robot, but my anger won’t allow it right now.
I met Faith right after I moved to the states my freshman year in high school. She was everything I wasn’t. Shy, timid, and scared to death of her own shadow. Those traits are what attracted me to her, and made my heart beat with the desire to fix her.
Every spare minute I had for two years was spent with Faith. Holding her when she would cry because a story on the news broke her heart. Laughing with her when she would accidently add a red shirt in with her white laundry. Faith became my everything, and I became the reason she wanted to
live. Then, one night on a bridge my world was changed, and hers was ended. The local news in our town broke the story first, then every news channel in the country was playing the story of real life Romeo and Juliet. Faith wasn’t a nobody like me, she was born into money, and politics. Her father was the Governor of Washington.
I don’t have to hide in the corner of the clubhouse for long before my target comes scurrying out of the kitchen. Serenity is rubbing across the scratches on her arms while walking toward her room. I wait for her to enter before grabbing the key out of my pocket. If I know her as well as I would like to think, there’s no way she didn’t lock that door.
With a smile on my face, and a sense of excitement, I put the key into the brass-knob, and open the door.
“OH, MY GOD!” I hear Serenity’s tiny voice shriek before she tries to cover up her half-naked body with her hands. Like the bastard I am, I smile while allowing my eyes to travel across her bare skin. Had I known she was undressing, I would have waited another minute to barge in, but this view is just as good.
“Not God- Taz,” I joke.
“What are you doing in my room?”
“Enjoying the view,” I declare, shutting the door behind me after I walk in. “Now that we have some privacy, we can finish our discussion.”
“I would like some privacy while I change,” she replies, gesturing for me to walk out the door I just shut. Turning around to give her time to change, I wait to hear the sound of clothing being put on.
“You’re not getting dressed,” I state.
“You’re not leaving,” Serenity counters, the irritation in her voice growing.
“Nope.”
After a pregnant pause, I hear her release a breath that sounds like defeat rather than anger. The sounds I’ve been waiting for never come so I have no choice to turn around, and find out what is going on.
Serenity is standing in the same spot, her arms no longer trying to hide herself because her fingers are too busy scratching away at the skin on them. Her entire body still has a red-tint to it from her time spent scrubbing away in the shower. Bit by bit she is rubbing away the layers that are there to protect her.
“I need to shower,” she whispers to me, the words clogging her voice with emotion.
“You just had a shower,” I point out the obvious, hoping she will tell me what is going on.
“I need another one,” she replies, stopping the movement of her fingers when I reach my hand out to grab them. The look on her face has me stopping my forward movement before I make contact. I don’t want to do anything to cause her anymore pain.
“Why?” I question, even though I already know the answer.
I can see her small frame retreating into itself, and the thought that she no longer trusts me hurts. When we were in that dungeon there was nothing we didn’t talk about, and we had plenty of time to chit-chat. I know more about her than anyone else, yet she’s acting as if I am a stranger.
“I feel dirty,” she answers.
“Who made you feel dirty, Serenity?” I ask, hoping she will tell the truth. If I can get her to see that Slasher put those feelings in her head maybe I can get her to move past them.
I can see the hesitation in her eyes, the fear of what she is about to admit causes her irises to turn a darker shade of blue before she answers.
“You.”
That one word has me stumbling back like I just took a gunshot to the chest. I can feel the pain of the invisible bullet ripping its way through my insides. The honesty behind her statement rings heavily in my ear.
“I never believed a word they said to me, not a single one. The only thing that mattered to me in there was you, but you helped me see, Taz. You helped me realize what I did was wrong, and dirty. I was a whore, I am a whore,” she whispers before walking into the bathroom and turning the shower on.
Like the heartless bastard I am, I walk out of the room and out of the clubhouse. What can I say to fix this? What can I do to help heal the person that kept my sorry ass alive? Nothing. Everything she did for me I threw in her face, and made her feel cheap and dirty for it. I think I’ve done enough.
“Out,” Torch says to the women surrounding me on the couch-all the Honey Hole’s finest strippers that were trying to turn my horrible day into the perfect night. With a whine of annoyance, they all listen to the evil bastard hovering over us like a disappointed parent.
“What are you doing, Taz?” Torch questions, kicking the side of my boot to get my full attention. I never asked the asshole to track me down, and I’m not in the mood to hear him try analyze my relationship with Serenity. I know that’s why he’s here. Just like I know Buck was the one to send him. My phone’s been blowing up for the ten hours I’ve been AWOL.
“Go back to the clubhouse, Torch,” I suggest to my friend before grabbing the bottle of tequila that has helped past the time.
“I’m not here for you. I’m here for Serenity. She deserves better than this,” he spits out with a voice full of disgust. “You need to get your shit together or you’re going to lose that girl for good.”
“I’ve already lost her. Just like I lost Faith,” I grind out, breathing through the pain those words bring to my chest. You know that saying, a man never knows what he has until it’s gone, well it’s true. Serenity used to look at me like I was the answer to all her questions, like I was the only person that could protect her, or make her feel whole. Well, I made sure to fuck that all up. Now her eyes look past mine. Behind her blue irises that used to hold so much love is nothing but hurt and fear. She’s hurt from what I said, and fearful of the judgment she thinks I make.
“Serenity isn’t broken beyond repair, Taz, not like Faith. You couldn’t help her, but you can still help Serenity.”
“I called her a whore,” I holler out hoping he will take the heel of his foot and stomp it on the side of my face a few times. That’s the least I deserve for what I’ve done. Serenity was my angel, a nickname I gave her in the dungeon because she was guarding my life with her own.
“I told her I could never love someone who would whore themselves out for Slasher and his men. I hammered the final nail into her coffin the minute those words escaped my lips. There’s no apologizing for that.”
Torch’s stance is no longer one of a friend coming to talk his buddy out of a bad decision, he is pissed. There might as well be smoke coming from his ears, and horns growing from his head.
“You’re a bastard,” he growls out, “and you don’t deserve someone as kind-hearted as Serenity, but she loves you anyway. If you can’t see that, or get past your own self-fucking-pity, then I will make it my mission to find someone that can.” With that said he walks out of the room, slamming the door behind him.
Serenity
My day was spent in this room, binge-watching episodes of One Tree Hill on Netflix and pretending that Taz’s disappearance wasn’t bothering me. The hurt on his face when I told him the truth had me second guessing everything I believed to be true.
Does he feel remorseful for what he said?
Would he take it back if he could?
Then I start imagining all the things he witnessed me do and I shake the childish hope from my mind. Taz has never been the hearts-and-rainbows type of man, why would he turn into one for someone like me? I proved how weak I was, and the woman that captures his heart will need to be strong.
My dad raised all kinds of hell when he figured out Taz had left the clubhouse, until I threatened to leave too. I reminded him that he had no right forcing his VP to babysit me. Reassuring him that I would be completely safe with everyone here wasn’t hard, but I could tell he was hiding something from me.
Trying to think of what it could be has my eyes growing heavy and my mind refusing to stay awake one minute longer. Before closing my eyes, I take a deep breath while thinking of encouraging words. Honey-brown irises, with tiny specks of green glimmering throughout, black hair cut short, and hands large enough to fully wrap around my throat wait for
me on the other side of my eyelids. I’m going to need all the help I can get.
“Maybe I should have the doctor walk down here and check on your injuries too, princess,” Slasher says with remorse in his voice. I gave up on trying to figure out his mood swings long ago. I just roll with what he gives me, and hope to keep from pissing him off.
“Did Taz get help,” I rasp out, the pain from my raw throat causing me to flinch. The sudden movement of my beaten muscles forces another scream from my chest. The cause and effect doing a full three-sixty until I’m crying with the need to stop all movement.
“Something tells me your dear-ole-daddy would be proud of how strong you are,” Slasher laughs out, bending down to lick the moisture off my face. The pleasure my salty tears brings him is displayed on his face.
“Is Taz alive?” I question, not wanting to waste my sore voice on anything else. I need to know if I was able to hang on long enough to save him. If he is dead, I’ve decide right here and now that I will soon follow.
“That man doesn’t deserve your loyalty, princess. He’ll do nothing but break your heart, this I know,” Slasher replies, trying to control the irritation lining his voice. I don’t know why he would try to hold back his feelings for my benefit, but a lot of what he does makes no sense. Crazy’s just crazy.
“He’s dead,” Slasher answers with a smile on his face.
I lay my head down on the cold hard floor and cry tears of sorrow. Every jolt of my body sends a fresh-wave of pain through my system, but I ignore it all. I block out the smell of Slasher’s sweet cologne, the sound of his breathing, and the feel of his finger running a path down the new marks on my body. With my eyes closed, I imagine it’s Taz’s warmth beside me. Slasher’s finger becomes Taz’s, caressing the worst of the pain away, soothing the duel ache in my chest and soul.
“Shhhh, I’m here, Serenity, I’m here.”
“You’re alive,” I whimper. “He was lying.”
Taz (Tarnished Souls MC Book 2) Page 10
