by Carrie Stone
Taken aback, Kate frowned at her. ‘I’m not obsessed! It’s normal to want to get married after seven years with the same person, Megan.’
Not rising to the bait, Megan continued, on a roll now that she’d got going. ‘Well, maybe so, but, anyway, I haven’t seen you have a proper laugh or look carefree in so long, Kate. It’s like you’re living in some sort of bubble with him. And it’s the way he talks to you sometimes. He puts you down and you don’t even seem to realise it.’
Knowing that she’d struck a chord as Kate dropped her gaze to her lap, she stopped her observations and took a sip of wine. ‘I just want to see you happy again. Life’s too short to make such big compromises all the time.’
Kate lifted her head, trying not to let Megan’s words upset her. She was tired and spent. And deep down, she knew her friend was right. Alf did have a way of cutting her down to size without, perhaps, being aware that he was doing so…
‘Well, my mind is already made up. I’m going to stay here tonight and first thing tomorrow morning I’m heading home to talk with him. Things need to get sorted. I can’t continue like this.’
Megan couldn’t help but feel gratified at her friend’s response. Kate was finally taking control.
It was long overdue.
‘I’ve been waiting up for you.’ Alf raised his head from the sofa and sat up straight, thankful that she’d finally returned home. He’d heard her car pulling up outside and immediately stirred himself from his stupor. He’d spent most of the night mulling over her reaction to his news and her unexpected questioning about the miscarriage. He still couldn’t get his head around the turn of events.
Not saying a word, Kate felt her heart pounding as she walked across to the adjacent armchair and carefully sat down. Alf noted the dark circles under her eyes and her drawn, pale appearance. She looked as exhausted as he felt.
‘Do you want a coffee or something?’ he ventured, not knowing where to start. Seeing the brief look of annoyance cross Kate’s face, he knew he’d said the wrong thing. Yet he wished he’d had the foresight to make himself a coffee. It was barely 7am. He knew it wasn’t the appropriate moment to get up and go into the kitchen, so he remained seated, staring bewilderedly.
‘I think we’re both aware there’s a lot of things we need to discuss,’ Kate began, eager to get the frank discussion she’d come to have with him underway. She’d promised herself she would be honest and direct – she’d spent the entire evening tossing and turning on Megan’s sofa, running over her decision in her mind. She paused, looking up.
Alf seized his chance to speak. ‘I don’t understand why you brought up the miscarriage, Kate? It’s been four years and you’ve never mentioned it before.’
Taking a deep breath, Kate held his confused gaze. ‘It’s not that I didn’t want to talk about it before, Alf. It’s because you never asked. You never brought it up, not once. It’s like the whole thing is a taboo you don’t want to acknowledge.’
He shifted himself forward to the edge of the sofa, trying to get closer to her; wondering how she could have misjudged him so badly. ‘But that’s not the case at all. I didn’t want to hurt you by bringing it up again. I thought it was best laid to rest. I thought that was the way you wanted it!’
Huffing lightly, Kate shook her head in disbelief. Did he really expect her to want something so important to be brushed under the carpet and forgotten about? ‘Of course I wanted to talk about it! Maybe not at the time, but afterwards. Have you never once thought that perhaps I wanted to talk about having another baby or at least some reference to future children?’ Her voice sounded whiny and strained, even to herself.
Wearing a puzzled frown Alf scratched his face, disconcerted. ‘But we have discussed kids. You know I want kids in the future.’ He’d referenced children in different conversations many times. He noticed Kate’s eyes widen in surprise at his answer.
Exasperated, Kate stood up, too riled to be seated. ‘No, Alf. We haven’t once properly discussed the subject. Have we ever sat down and spoken about when we might start trying to have children? Whether it’s even possible after my miscarriage?’ She looked at him angrily, her voice rising. ‘How it’ll work with our jobs if we have children? Whether we should consider turning the spare room into a nursery for future children? No. Never. So do not sit there and calmly tell me that we have discussed things.’ It infuriated her that he could assume his stupid and general comments about one day having a potentially famous footballing son could be considered a discussion.
Standing up and walking across to her, Alf felt his stomach sink. He had no idea she’d been thinking like this. ‘I didn’t know you wanted to discuss those types of things?’ he began, feeling out of depth all of a sudden.
Ignoring him, Kate stomped across to the television, its screen flickering with an early-morning show and switched it off forcefully. ‘I’m sick and tired of not knowing where this relationship is going. I don’t even know if you want to get married.’
‘Married?’ Alf repeated in confusion. ‘Of course I want us to get married. You know that!’
‘It’s not rocket science Alf – it’s straightforward. We’ve been together seven years.’ She walked back towards him, holding her fingers up to clarify her point. ‘Seven years, Alf.’ She watched his eyes narrow in further confusion. ‘The last time we had the marriage conversation, which, I should add, is because I brought up the subject,’ she jabbed a finger toward herself, ‘You said let’s wait a couple of years, get the house done, do some travelling, get settled with work.’
Alf suddenly realised where the conversation was going and looked at Kate in surprise.
‘Except, two years later and aside from your work changes, we haven’t even done any of those things.’
‘Oh hang on, let’s be fair here. I did suggest travelling this year,’ Alf replied, irritated, thinking that it wasn’t fair that Kate had kept her concerns to herself and was now offloading onto him – including the blame. He wasn’t a mind-reader.
‘No Alf, the travelling idea recently went out of the window too – due to financial and work reasons – your decision, remember?’ He noticed her eyes had turned a darker shade of blue. She was fuming. ‘Not to mention that when I also suggested redecorating last month, you practically vetoed that idea too!’
Quickly thinking back to both conversations, he knew she was right. Despite this, he pressed on. ‘But I thought we both agreed that we were waiting, though? Giving it a few years? Why didn’t you tell me sooner that you had a problem with it?’ He ran his hand through his hair, closing his eyes slowly in the process and wishing he could be somewhere else. His gut was telling him things were about to get extremely complicated and his heart was beating ten to the dozen. He wasn’t sure he was ready for this talk any longer.
Kate shook her head in absolute disbelief. ‘A few years? No, Alf, we agreed a couple of years. Which, in my vocabulary, equates to two years. Two years from my thirtieth birthday.’ Her voice broke, the pent-up frustration she was feeling building up into tears behind her eyes. ‘Which is why I guess I had naïvely expected a surprise proposal at my thirty-second birthday party…’ She stared down into her hands, wringing them in both frustration and embarrassment and she let the words tail off.
Alf let her statement sink in properly before he dropped his hand from his head to the table. Dumbfounded, he gazed at Kate’s face, noting the pain behind her teary eyes. She had thought he was going to propose?
‘But whatever gave you that idea? I hadn’t even hinted at anything like that, had I?’
He was so confused now. Had he accidently slipped up and said something about marriage that she’d misinterpreted? He’d never meant to hurt her. How had they got to this stage?
Kate felt as if she’d had the wind knocked out of her as she watched Alf’s puzzled expression and fought the nausea that was building up inside. ‘That’s all you have to say for yourself?’ She stood up, wiping a lone, cold tear that had fast fall
en down her cheek. ‘After telling you I thought you might propose, all you can think about is how I came to that conclusion?’ Her voice was becoming high-pitched and irate. ‘After absolutely humiliating me at my birthday by presenting me with a flipping dog’s tag in a box in front of everybody, don’t you think I deserve an honest answer?’
Alf rose to his feet, angered by Kate’s sudden attack on him. ‘I told you the dog tag wasn’t my idea. I wish I’d never fucking bothered with the dog now – the trouble it’s caused.’
Quick to defend Sam, who was nowhere to be seen amidst the tension, Kate gritted her teeth, seething. ‘Don’t you dare blame the dog in all of this. This is nothing to do with a dog. This is everything to do with your reluctance to get married and start a family.’ She turned her back to him, not wanting him to see the hurt that she was sure was written all over her. ‘Because, admit it, Alf. That’s the problem, isn’t it? You don’t want to marry me or have children with me, do you?’
Silence passed between them for what felt like an age, Kate holding her breath whilst she waited for an answer. She felt Alf gently grab her arm and before she knew what was happening, he’d spun her around and was brushing her hair from her teary face.
‘Don’t be silly! Of course I want to marry you. And I couldn’t think of anything better than having another baby together. I love you, Kate. Come here, you daft cow.’
Her heart softened and when she dared to finally take a breath, the emotions were so overwhelming that she didn’t resist when Alf pressed her against him and cradled her, not caring that the tears were wetting his t-shirt. She gently pulled away from him, feeling tired and overwrought.
‘Come and sit down.’ He steered her back to the sofa and pushed her gently into the seat. ‘Babe, I haven’t spent all these years with you just to walk out at the last moment – I want you to be my wife. We’re practically already husband and wife, for Christ’s sakes!’ He laughed lightly, grabbing her hand in his and tilting her face towards his. ‘And of course I want a baby with you – in fact, I want lots of babies.’ He paused and sighed. ‘But I don’t see the point of rushing into getting married and planning children at this very moment, especially now that the move to Scotland is going to be preoccupying us. Planning a wedding, trying for a baby, as well as settling into a new home and new jobs is going to be a huge strain on us. Surely you can appreciate that!’
Kate felt a whooshing sound in her ears as she sucked in a breath and considered Alf’s gentle wording. Her heartbeat, which had slowly settled back into a steady pace, quickened instantly and the anger that had vanished leaving in its place a bone-deep weariness, all at once returned with a vengeance. ‘You’re unbelievable. Absolutely unbelievable.’ She shook her head, and instead of tears and pain, she had a strange desire to laugh. ‘You’re spineless, Alf Stafford. A cowardly, spineless man. There’s never going to be a right time is there? That’s the problem. Life doesn’t give anyone a ‘right’ moment. And I, more than anyone, know that. Look how many people I’ve lost…’
‘Babe, you’ve taken it the wrong way. I didn’t mean…’
Flinching as Alf instinctively reached out and tried to pull her towards him, she leaned backward. ‘If you truly wanted me, Alf, there’s no way you’d be putting your work before me. So I’ll tell you what I’ll do – I’ll make things easy for you.’ She stood up, resolute in knowing what she had to do, for she was too far hurt by his words to consider any other action. ‘I’m done with holding onto hope and illusion, Alf. I shouldn’t have to beg you for a future together. I’m sorry, but there’s no way I’m going to Scotland with you and certainly no way I’m going to waste another moment of my time with someone who doesn’t want to commit to me. Especially the same someone who, coincidentally, has no problem committing to his boss.’
Shell-shocked at the turnaround of events, Alf felt his stomach churning. He’d never seen Kate look this unyielding. He knew her well enough to know how steadfast she could be. There was no way he was going to lose her. Not when everything he was working towards was for her too. He knew what he had to do and it was the thing he had feared the most, for the whole idea of it made him feel confused and vulnerable. She was standing up and picking up her keys – an expression so broken that he just wanted to reach out and hold her.
‘Wait.’ He reached out and grabbed her arm. ‘I know you’re angry and I don’t agree with your reasoning behind it, because I’ve already told you I plan to marry you and I definitely want children. Can’t you see what Scotland is for us, Kate? It’s a chance to get to that stage with enough finances and security behind us. But if engagement is what you want and that’s what will make you happy – let’s do it now, then. Just don’t walk out on me, Kate. I need you. I need you in Scotland with me.’
Kate looked into Alf’s familiar, glistening eyes, noticing the prickling of tears in the corners and wiping her own wet cheeks with the back of her right hand. Didn’t he see that he’d already had seven years to secure her by his side, to have his babies? They already had all the security and finances they needed for a life together. So why was Scotland going to be the magical answer?
‘I’m sorry, Alf, I can’t stay.’ She choked back a lump in her throat and willed herself to keep strong. ‘You’ve told me everything I needed to hear and I’m sorry, but I can’t be with someone who wants me only because they need me.’ She glanced towards the fridge, eyes searching for the framed photo of her aunt that stood proudly against the wall, silently asking for her help in making the right decision. ‘I deserve more than that. And whilst I didn’t expect you to drop down onto one knee and present me with a huge diamond, I also didn’t ever expect you to propose to me out of pity or reluctantly, either.’
Alf immediately opened his mouth to protest, but Kate placed a finger against his lips, silencing him. He grabbed her finger and kissed it, his eyes red and watery. ‘Don’t, Alf. It’s too late. It’s better this way. My life belongs here and yours now belongs in Scotland.’
He looked like a little boy lost as he stood awkwardly in the middle of the room, arms by his side, hair dishevelled and face etched with dashed hopes. ‘So that’s it, then? You’re just going to walk away?’
‘Yes.’ Her voice was tiny and barely audible, but the word seemed to echo through the walls of the house and both of their hearts.
Making a momentous choice, she picked up her keys and quietly left the living room, the devastation of her decision heavy in the air. It was only when she reached her car moments later that she fully realised the impact of her words and began to weep wildly.
She’d just walked out on the love of her life.
Chapter 13
Two weeks later
‘We’ll never get served standing here’ Kate moaned, taking into account the three-person-deep queue for the bar. She tugged gently on the neckline of her dress, annoyed that it appeared to be lowering of its own accord. Despite looking a great deal better than she was feeling and her already thinner frame working its magic on a couple of totally unsuitable admirers, she would have preferred to have been curled up on her sofa with Sam, ideally watching back-to-back comedies instead of vying for the barman’s attention to get served a drink.
‘Stop whinging. Tonight you’re supposed to be letting your hair down and enjoying yourself.’ Megan scowled, spotting an opening in the queue and seizing the opportunity, dragging a grumpy Kate with her.
‘Ouch, mind what you’re doing. You nearly pulled me into that guy with the ginger hair.’
Almost immediately catching the attention of the barman, Megan had placed her order within moments. ‘You did want another Mojito didn’t you? That’s what I ordered you.’
‘Sure, anything,’ Kate replied, disinterested in the specifics of the alcohol and just grateful for anything that would take the edge off the overwhelming sadness that had engulfed her. She was watching as the ginger-haired man standing nearby pulled a laughing woman closer to him and kept his arm firmly around her waist, h
is head leaning into hers. They made a cute couple – just like she and Alf used to make.
‘Here you go.’ Megan held out a sugar-rimmed glass, the pungent smell of mint and alcohol in the air as Kate accepted it. ‘Let’s go back to the others and see if they’ve managed to get the attention of any fit guys yet.’
Kate looked longingly at the couple now embraced in a laughing kiss and felt herself pining for Alf. She missed him. It had already been two weeks since he’d moved out and gone to stay with his brother, but she missed him so much.
‘Okay, let’s go,’ she said, pushing Megan to lead the way and weaving quickly behind her through the crowd. She needed a distraction – and fast. She couldn’t carry on like this – it wasn’t healthy. She could feel the familiar lump rising in her throat and knew it wouldn’t be long before the onset of hot, fat tears joined it.
Passing the DJ stand, Megan waved to Nathan, who was engrossed in his turntables but looked up as the women passed and smiled, baring his diamond-studded tooth. She carried on walking towards the group of women, who were clustered around a tall table, a group of three dark-haired men standing nearby, with their backs to them. ‘Looks like the girls might have company,’ she said, turning briefly to Kate. ‘Oooh, the one in the biscuit jumper over the white shirt doesn’t look too bad from here, does he?’
Kate gazed at the figure, who appeared to be chatting quietly to his friend. The lighting was dim and it was hard to see anyone from a distance, but his stature and build reminded her a little of Marcus. She’d felt guilty ignoring him since the split with Alf, but then she had been ignoring everybody – unable to face the sympathy and questions. Everybody except Megan – and that was only because she had no choice, given that Megan had a spare door key and insisted on using it.
It was also Megan’s persistence that had brought them to Swoonies for the evening, because after two weeks on sick leave and spending nearly all of her waking hours crying into her sofa, she had told Kate that enough was enough. Forcing her into the teal dress – which she’d bought for the cocktail opening that she had ended up not attending – Megan had told her they were going out for the evening. No buts, no excuses and no arguments. It was time to begin moving on from Alf. Starting with a girls’ night out.
