by Sara V. Zook
He looked at my forehead and pushed a stray piece of hair away. Then he smiled again and led me back over to the bed. “I honestly just want you to feel better, Liv, whatever it takes.”
A wave of relief washed over me. I turned, facing Shane as he laid down beside me and curled up around me. He wrapped his arm over my side and pulled me in tight. I bit my bottom lip as I looked up at his face and into those dark eyes of his.
“This is our time, Liv,” he whispered in my ear. “No one can take that away from us.” He leaned in to kiss me again, and I let go of all of the emotions that threatened to drown me and just went with the moment of being comforted—and maybe even loved—by Shane.
ELEVEN
Shane
“Shane? Shane?”
My eyelids fluttered open. Was it day or night? I felt Livvy stirring beside me. After our makeout session, we’d fallen asleep together—again.
The bedroom door flew open. “Livvy, have you seen…?”
I sat up to find my dad in the room, his eyes large and in shock of seeing me with Livvy in bed.
“What the…?” my dad’s voice trailed off as I could see his brain attempting to process what his eyeballs were telling him they were seeing. His forehead crinkled as his eyebrows moved closer together.
Livvy flung the blanket off herself and scrambled out of the bed. She quickly maneuvered her sweater so that it was positioned correctly before giving my dad an embarrassed silent apology and darting out of the room.
Dad’s eyes followed her before he turned around to glare at me. “What the hell was that?” he bellowed out, his thumb up in the air toward the hallway where Livvy had just disappeared.
I slowly got off the bed and stood up. “Listen, Dad, it’s not what it seems. We just fell asleep together.”
He snorted in response. “What? Do you think I was born yesterday, boy? You just fell asleep together?”
I shook my head. It must be mid-afternoon by now. “I don’t need a lecture, so if that’s what you’re about to do, save it.”
Dad took a step closer to me so that his nose was inches away from mine. “Just because you’re a grown man doesn’t mean that you’re too old for scolding. What in the world do you think you’re doing by crawling into bed with Livvy for crying out loud?”
“You make it sound like I was being some sort of sleaze ball!” My temper flared at his accusations as his reaction only made my guilt take root and grow deeper.
“You are a sleaze ball, Shane!” he shouted. “You’re taking advantage of your dead brother’s wife, and his corpse is barely cold yet!”
I threw up my hands up in the air. This was outrageous. I wanted to put my hand through the wall. I turned around and stuck my finger in my dad’s face instead. “You have no idea what you’re talking about. She’s the one who asked me to come in here. I didn’t go inviting myself. I was just comforting her. That’s it. End of story. And honestly, it’s none of your goddamn business anyway.”
“Oh, it is my business. This entire family is my business. And Livvy’s in this family, and so are you. What makes it even more disturbing is the fact that not only did her husband just die, but she’s pregnant with your nephew! What the hell is the matter with you? Have you lost your mind? It’s plain old sick is what it is.”
I gritted my teeth together in frustration as my hands curled into fists at my sides. “I care a lot for Livvy. I would never do anything to hurt her.”
“By your doing this…it does hurt her.”
“How?”
“She’s confused, Shane.” He gave me a look like I was the dumbest person on the face of the earth.
“She just wants comforted.”
“Of course she does. She feels all alone right now, and obviously she’s turned to an easy target—you.”
“I don’t have to explain myself to you. You obviously have no idea what you’re talking about.”
He shook his head in disbelief. “Are you trying to convince me or yourself?”
I glared at him.
“Just because I don’t say much doesn’t mean I’m not observing, you know.” He pointed to his eyes. “And I’ve seen the two of you going off and acting like a bunch of lovesick teenagers, pretending things aren’t the way they really are.”
“And how are things really?”
My dad took a deep breath in and exhaled slowly. “Do I need to spell it out for you again, boy? She’s just lost her husband. She’s pregnant. And you, you have a little girlfriend back in California, don’t you?”
“She has nothing to do with this, Dad. You’re crossing a lot of lines here.” The guilt continued to rip me apart inside.
He pressed his lips together as he studied me for a moment. “I’m just reminding you of the facts here since you’re doing such a good job of ignoring them all. And you want to talk about crossing lines, Shane? Take a look in the mirror. You’ve crossed an awful lot of them yourself.” He turned to go out the door but decided to glance back at me one last time and point at me. “And the kind of lines you’re crossing, those are the ones hard to come back from. Those are the ones that have some pretty serious consequences.”
I watched him leave as he slammed the door shut behind him. I growled in frustration. He was right of course. I’d never admit that to him, but he was right about everything he said. I had ignored the facts of the situation—at least I’d been trying to. It was like up here in New York me and Liv had our own little world going on, but outside of that, the Earth still continued to revolve. Pretending didn’t mean Darin wasn’t still dead. It didn’t mean Gwen wasn’t still waiting for me on the other side of the country. I raked my fingers through my hair and sat on the edge of the bed. My temper was still at its peak, but the only person I wanted to throttle right now was myself.
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Livvy
I ran a few more handfuls of cold water on my face before reaching for a towel and patting my skin dry. My heart was still racing. Henry had just walked in on me and Shane in bed together. I couldn’t imagine the thoughts going through my father-in-law’s mind, nor did I want to. He had looked so shocked. If his mouth would’ve dropped open any further, it would’ve hit the floor. I was mortified. I forced myself to open the bathroom door and go out, though I felt like hiding in the closet for the rest of the day and probably the night too if I could’ve gotten away with it.
“How was your nap, dear?”
I looked up at Evelyn. She smiled. I gave her a quick smile back. “Fine.” I began to think about Shane’s warm lips pressing up against mine…
“You okay?” Evelyn gave me a funny look as she draped a piece of clothing she’d been folding over her shoulder. “You look a little pale. Maybe you should sit down for a bit.”
I nodded. “Yeah. I’ll do that.”
I made my way into the living room and plopped down on the recliner. I wondered what kind of conversation Henry and Shane were having upstairs right now. The beginning of a headache formed in my temples. This awkward stress was getting the best of me. I furiously massaged the sides of my head with my fingers. I had to pull Henry aside and talk to him. I could only pray that he wouldn’t tell Evelyn. My only hope was that Shane was up there smoothing things over. Everything was turning into such a mess. I needed to get out of this house. I shouldn’t have come up here.
Henry’s heavy footsteps slowly descended from the stairs. He made his way through the dining room and then into the living room where his eyes shot to me. I felt my cheeks grow hot as the embarrassment claimed me once again.
“Henry,” I began. “I feel the need to explain to you.”
He waved his hand in the air and turned to sit down on the couch after grabbing the television remote control.
“Henry, please,” I hissed, knowing Evelyn was in the next room. “Shane was just comforting me,” I blurted out, “and we fell aslee
p. It was a mistake.”
The older man made a grumbling noise as he turned on the TV. He wouldn’t even look at me, just stared straight ahead. “I’m not going to say much about it. I’ve already told Shane what I think. Just be careful with what you’re doing, girl. You’re vulnerable right now. Don’t be a fool.” With that he turned the volume up so loud it would’ve drowned out anything else I had to say.
I crossed my arms in front of me and hurried out of the room. My stomach growled irritability at me for having missed lunch. Evelyn was still folding laundry in the other room. There was a bowl of muffins on the table. I reached for one and went outside on the porch for some fresh air. It was chilly, and I welcomed the cold rush on my skin.
What was I going to do about Shane? What did I really want out of this? What exactly was this anyway? It couldn’t be just nothing. No, I refused to believe that. Shane and me…we had a connection. I felt the sparks when his lips touched mine. The only thing intercepting my wanting to be with him was the guilt. I was surrounded in a whirlwind. It had begun to consume me before, but Henry only reinforced the feeling. Darin would’ve wanted his brother to take care of me. If he had a choice, knowing he wouldn’t be around, who better to be with me and his soon-to-be-born son? Shane already loved this baby. It made sense, yet it didn’t. I shoved a bite of muffin in my mouth and chewed furiously. Absolutely nothing went my way. My other hand gripped tightly onto the railing of the porch. My eyes floated to the path that Shane had walked down with me. How many times had Darin walked there, too? This had been Darin’s home growing up. It had been Shane’s too. And when I truly thought about how I felt trying to put aside all complications at hand, I loved both Thorne boys. Darin was my true love, the one I had wanted to spend the rest of my life with. But he was gone now. Shane had stepped up and given me hope when I needed it the most. I still needed it. That’s why it was so hard to even think about the decision of letting him go. No. I needed Shane. In time, perhaps I could learn to love him in the same way I had his brother. I felt sorry for Gwen, I really did, but if I was a better match for Shane, then it was better if he gave her up anyway.
The sun began to set and dinner was put on the table. Evelyn was still lost in her own sadness over the death of her son, but she tried to continue to keep herself busy, her mind occupied. She cooked—a lot. I was actually really hungry tonight despite the tiring events of the day. Nobody said much of anything. Shane had done a lot of things outside around the house this evening. He had met my glance a few times, but that was it. Henry wouldn’t even look at either one of us. A heavy awkwardness had settled over.
I went upstairs and laid down on the bed after I’d finished helping Evelyn clean up the dishes. I thought for sure that Shane would come up and talk to me eventually, but I waited and waited and he never came.
I finally got up and decided to go look for him. I needed to talk to him about us—whatever that word meant. I needed clarification on what was going on inside that head of his even if I wasn’t completely sure of what was going on inside of mine.
After searching the house and not finding him anywhere, I ventured outside. A soft glow came from the barn. I hurried out through the freshly cut grass.
“So this is where you’ve been hiding,” I said, shutting the door behind me as Shane stopped moving hay out of the corner of the room to turn and look at me.
He chuckled and wiped a bead of sweat from his brow with the back of his arm. “I’m not hiding. Why aren’t you sleeping?”
I looked around. Why was he cleaning this up? No one had been in here for ages, and I doubted anyone ever would be again. It looked like he was keeping himself occupied, too. “I took a nap earlier in the day, remember?” I flashed him a smile. “So I’m not very tired.”
He smiled too, though it seemed a little forced, and let the pitchfork lean up against the wall as he brushed his dirty hands off on the side of his jeans. “Yeah, I remember. My dad’s pretty pissed at me.”
“Why?”
Shane shrugged. “Guess he thinks I’m taking advantage of you. I didn’t mean for it to come out that way, but maybe I was. Doesn’t make me any better than that creepy Sean guy.”
I took a few steps toward him and put my hands on his shoulders. “Don’t you dare start that shit, Shane. You haven’t taken advantage of me at all. If anything, I’ve taken advantage of your kindness.”
“Kindness?” Shane raised his eyebrows. He turned away from me for a moment, making my hands fall away from him.
I sighed. “I know there’s no real cut and dry way to label whatever this is that’s going on between us. I don’t know how it happened, but it did. It was something neither one of us could control. That, to me, says it means something.”
Shane turned then, his dark eyes piercing through me as he leaned in close but didn’t touch me. “We have to stop kidding ourselves, Liv. This—you and me—I’m not going to lie. I have feelings for you. I think in a way I’ve always had feelings for you. I was jealous of Darin’s relationship with you. I thought you two were perfection. But then when it really comes down to it, I was only jealous because I thought you were a great girl, and he had you. You are a great girl, Liv. Maybe I’ve always wanted to take a stab at being with you and that wasn’t fair, not during a time when my brother was gone and you had no one else to turn to.”
“No,” I said sharply. “Stop it, Shane. You’re thinking into this too much. You’ve let whatever Henry said get to you.” I reached my hands out toward him again, but he moved away. My heart was breaking inside of me. “I think that Darin…”
“We have to try to stop analyzing what Darin would want,” he interrupted me. “I’ve tried to justify it too, Liv, by thinking this is what Darin would’ve wanted, but for all we know, if he were alive and standing in front of me today, he’d be pissed as all hell and trying to kick my ass. I’ve done wrong by you. I’ve done wrong by Gwen. I’m a fucking lowlife human being.” Shane’s face twisted in agony. “I love Gwen. I’ve told you that, and I could kick my own ass for what I’ve done to her.”
Tears streamed down my cheeks. I couldn’t hold them in anymore.
Shane’s eyes softened in sympathy. “See? See what I’ve done to you? I’ve messed you all up, and that’s not what you need right now. I’m so sorry, Liv. I’m not trying to say that you and I have nothing, okay? We do. We definitely do.”
“Then we can’t think about everyone else, Shane!” I cried out. “Screw what everyone else thinks!”
He swallowed and gently put his hands on my arms but still kept some distance between us. “Don’t you see, Liv? We have to think about others. Others are involved here.” Shane hesitated for a moment before pulling me into his chest. I relished in his masculine scent. I yearned to take his face in mine and kiss him like before, but I didn’t—I couldn’t. “It’s just complicated. I hate to say such a cliché thing to you, but it’s true. You know I have feelings for you, Liv. You have to know that. I mean, how couldn’t you?” His voice had softened, too, lowering to almost a whisper.
“I don’t know what I’m doing with you, Shane,” I whispered back, his hand stroking the back of my head.
Shane didn’t say anything for a few moments. His heart was thumping wildly inside his chest against my ear. “I don’t know what I’m doing either, Liv. I really don’t.” He pulled back so he could look me in the eyes. “I have to see where I’m supposed to be. Do you know what I mean?”
“No.” I didn’t, at all. I could only see that I was supposed to be with Shane, and right now, that’s all that mattered to me.
“I have a life in California.”
I wrinkled up my nose. It was childish of me, but I still did it.
“I have to take a step back and think about things, you know? I’m not saying there will never be a you and me, but I think it’s too early from Darin’s death and too early in mine and Gwen’s relationship to test those waters for now. We both need away from each other—to think. Being this close
to you makes my mind all foggy. I need to be clear-headed, Liv.”
I slowly nodded my head even though I completely disagreed with his plan of action. The thing was, though, no matter what Shane said, I didn’t think it was possible that he could stay away from me. No. I’d let him have whatever space he thought he wanted, but when nighttime rolled around, he’d be there right beside me curled up in my bed.
“Go on inside now. I’ll be in in a little bit.”
I wiped my eyes and cheeks with my hands. I gave him one more glance before turning to leave the barn. I saw him reach for his pitchfork again as I walked out into the night and back toward the house.
I changed into an oversized T-shirt that belonged to Darin and pulled the covers up to my chin. I stared up into the darkness listening to the sounds of crickets outside and the breeze making branches rap lightly on the roof above me. My thoughts drifted to one of my last nights with Darin…
He kissed me on the tip of my nose and propped his head up with one arm. “You know how much I missed you?”
“No. How much?” I cracked a grin.
Darin pushed a piece of hair away from my cheek and tucked it in behind my ear. “I never thought I could be this happy again. I tried. I tried so hard to meet other people, to make a life even with Violet, but I always compared everyone to you, Liv. No one can hold a candle to you. You make me complete, and I know that now. I’ll never doubt it again.”
My heart had burst in love at his words. “No matter what life throws at us, we’ve found our way back to each other. That’s what really counts. That’s what makes our love so real, so different from anything else in this world. I can lay in your arms at night and know that nothing will force its way in between us again. Nothing’s going to stop us now.”
Darin laughed. “I could bust out in song right now…”
