by Sally Mason
~~~~
As I slowly wake up, I keep my eyes squeezed shut when I hear Finn’s and Luke’s low voices.
“And you have no idea what made her freak out like this?” Luke asks.
“No clue, but it must have been something about the book.” Finn exhales heavily. “Did you see the gift card with the get-well message from Jed?”
“Yeah, pretty sick.” Luke’s voice is full of fury. “That bastard must have figured out where she is. I could kill him. In one afternoon, he destroyed two months of therapy just like that. Why can’t he leave her alone?”
“It must have triggered some horrific memory. As soon as she saw the book, she totally lost it.”
“But she got you pretty good.” Luke chuckles. “That black eye is class.”
Finn snorts. “My probation officer won’t like it and will probably think I got into a fight. I can already hear his lecture.”
“That sucks.”
Silence follows Luke’s words and I ponder whether I should let them know that I am awake. They will likely ask for an explanation, but that is one memory I never wanted to relive.
I was already in captivity for over a month when Jed showed up one morning with the book. My whole body was throbbing from an especially hard night with Napoleon, who had punched me a few times in the ribs when I didn’t remain still in my shackles.
“Here, honeybun, I brought you something. Your voice is lovely, so I want you to read it out loud.”
My throat was raw from all the screaming and crying. “I need water, Jed.”
He got a bottle from the shelf in the next room. “For every page you read, you get a few sips.”
So I read the book, page by page, so that I could get some relief in between. It was a story about a bully meeting the Messenger of Fear, who brought justice to people who wronged others. They had a choice—play a game or face their greatest fear. Yet, if they lost their challenge, they had to face their fear regardless. The book wasn’t very long and we were finished after a few hours.
“Well, honeybun, since you’re also a bully, let’s just pretend I’m your Messenger of Fear. Do you want to play the game or face your biggest fear?”
I stared at him. “You can’t be serious.”
“Oh, I am.” His smile was smug. “The challenge is not very hard. I hid ten things around the house and all you have to do is find them.”
A sickening sensation spread in my stomach. There was no way it would be as easy as he claimed.
I really had not much of a choice. “Yeah, I’ll play your stupid game.”
“Great. You’ll see, it’ll be so much fun.”
He allowed me to put on panties and a bra before ushering me aboveground to the cabin and handing me a list. “You have twenty minutes. Good luck.”
I stumbled through the cabin, trying to find random items. A bar of chocolate, a condom, a pair of shoes. The sight of the bracelet my mother had given me for my sixteenth birthday brought tears to my eyes, but it was the DVD that cost me most of my precious time. He forced me to turn it on when I located it in the player.
With trembling lips, I watched Jed raping me while I was screaming at the top of my lungs. It must have been recorded a few days ago, just after Napoleon left me.
“You sick bastards are taping me,” I yelled as tears rolled down my cheeks.
“We’re thinking of putting it on VideoTube. You could be an Internet sensation, honeybun.”
I bit the inside of my hand to hide my horror. The humiliation would be for everyone to see. Yet I wasn’t able to take my eyes off the TV screen even though it was blurred through my tears. Utter disgust raged through me.
Jed finally turned off the recording. “Only a few minutes left. You should hurry.”
I remembered the game and realized I still had three items to find. It was a losing battle. Jed grinned from ear to ear when he informed me that I had failed.
“Time to face your biggest fear, honeybun.”
I pleaded all the way back to the dungeon. “Please, Jed. I never meant to bully you, I just wanted to belong. You know how it is. Please, we were just stupid kids.” The whole time, my heart clamped in my chest in terror and fear.
The words fell on deaf ears. He dragged me along, threatening to throw me into the hole when I refused to climb down the ladder. As soon as we were back in the room, he made me strip and secured my hands and ankles with cable ties.
His eyes were glinting with malice and excitement when he approached me with a large bucket. “Ready, honeybun?”
Before I could even respond, he poured the contents over me. Hundreds of little spiders began spreading over my skin. I had always been deadly afraid of anything that crawled and I screeched until the air was totally pressed from my lungs. The assault continued, but my arms and legs were safely secured. I couldn’t even fight back. Bile rose in my mouth, mixed with salty tears and blood from my lips, as I begged for him to make it stop in between my shrilling shrieks.
Jed laughed the entire time, at some point taping my ordeal with his phone. Soon, the crawly spiders were in my ears, nose, and mouth. The skin on my ankles and wrists was torn off my bones where I tried to loosen my restraints, my lungs burning in agony as I fought with all my strength. There was no relief. I was totally helpless as thousands of little legs used my body as their personal playground.
“Now you know how it feels, honeybun, when something terrifies you and you can’t do nothing about it.”
When my voice was reduced to a croak, Jed finally showed mercy and poured water over me until the crawling stopped. Soon after, I drifted into a deep sleep, totally exhausted, though I woke up every so often when my muscles twitched. It was one of the times during my abduction where I would have preferred death over life.
I snap out of my horrific memory when Luke’s deep voice penetrates my mind.
“You want half an apple?”
“Sure,” Finn says.
Luckily, they haven’t noticed that my hands are curled into tight fists. It takes all my effort to continue to lie still, my skin crawling from the vivid memory. I want to itch myself badly, but only dig into my palms with my newly grown fingernails to stop myself from tearing off my skin.
They munch, an occasional crunch from a bite breaking the silence. I still don’t want to talk because I fear their intrusive questions. My breath stays even. I have pretended so many times that I was asleep when my mom checked on me at night to avoid her noticing my tears that I manage to fool them.
When the door opens, rescue is near.
“Excuse me, gentlemen, but visiting hours are long over. You really need to leave. She could be asleep for a few more hours and you should check back in the morning.”
I hear the guys get on their feet.
“No problem, ma’am.” That’s Luke. “Just make sure you take good care of my little sis.”
Something drops in the bin beside my bed, probably the leftovers of the apple. The door closes with a low click. The room falls quiet. I finally dare to peek and confirm the coast is clear. The small lamp by my nightstand is still on, covering the room in a dim light. I sit up and rub my eyes before shaking off the little bit of heaviness in my head.
My gaze scans the nightstand and my heartbeat accelerates in delight—I just hit the jackpot! Luke’s Swiss pocketknife has been carelessly left behind, next to a small apple stem.
I bite my lip when my trembling hand reaches for the knife—I will kill the rampant pain in my chest with the best medicine there is. Tonight, I will be able to sleep without nightmares or haunting memories. My heart dances in my chest as I unfold the blade and allow the tip to gently scratch my skin. A shudder shakes my frame as an ache spreads alongside my arm.
Without the slightest hesitation, I slice deeper, indulging in the pain as it radiates in small waves throughout my body. The blood oozes from my arm like red rain, washing away the deep-rooted agony left behind by Jed’s torture. Tears run down my cheeks as I sink back into t
he pillow, this time controlling my breath to stay conscious.
When the imminent pain is suppressed by the adrenaline released into my bloodstream, I cut myself again, repeating the exercise in shorter and shorter intervals. My body’s survival instincts cause the throbbing pain to flare, demanding me to stop, yet nothing can compete with the incredible urge to soothe my tormented soul.
CHAPTER 11
After three days in the closed psychiatric ward, I am released back into the general population. My cutting is not ruled a suicide attempt this time since I didn’t cut as deep, but my relapse still promises me plenty of additional sessions with Dr. Malcolm. Overall, it’s a total drag, and for the first time, I doubt that the short relief I felt was actually worth it.
Finn had disappeared from the face of the earth which causes further distress, especially since Luke is also miffed that I used his knife to harm myself. His long lecture is literally drowned by my tears when I turn into a sobbing mess on his shoulder.
“I’m sorry, Luke, I don’t know what has gotten into me.”
“Hey.” He strokes my back. “I shouldn’t have been so careless, but I really thought we were past this cutting business.”
A fist clenches my heart at the disappointment oozing from his voice. “If it hadn’t been for the book—”
It’s a lame excuse and doesn’t persuade him. “It has to stop, Kels, or you’ll never get out of this place.”
My eyes narrow. “What do you mean?”
He doesn’t respond but stretches out in the grass, turning his face to the sun with his eyes closed. We are back under our usual tree in the garden. It is a beautiful afternoon with record high temperatures for Maine. A light breeze is cool, but otherwise, it’s a perfect day for the beach. I’m sure he is less than thrilled at being stuck here with me instead of spending time with Rhonda or his friends.
“Luke, is there something you’re not telling me?” I try again while my fingers comb through the long grass.
“I overheard your mom and my dad talking and they think you should stay longer at the hospital.”
I take in a sharp breath. “Can they do that?”
He rolls on his stomach and finds my eyes. “Probably. Androscoggin County has a small law community and my dad is real chummy with all the judges. I’m sure he could get another court order signed if he tried.”
Tears pool in my eyes. “I don’t want to stay here. Please, you have to talk to them.”
“Truthfully, I’m not sure if I disagree with them. You did get better for a while when you were trying.”
My head is spinning and I fall on my back, staring into the sky. A few puffy clouds are scattered throughout, drifting softly toward the sun. One reminds me of a dragon who could carry me away, another of a dog snout which makes me shudder. For a second, Roxy’s teeth flash in my mind as they tore into Jed’s skin. The thought makes me sick to my stomach.
I close my eyes, trying to clear my mind but fail. Luke is right. I am still a loose cannon and will probably end up dead by Christmas if I don’t finally accept some help. It’s just so hard and painful, having to deal with those inner demons.
“Can I still think about whether I want to stay or not?”
He plays with the stem of a dandelion. “For how long?”
It’s not a decision I’m prepared to make without some further advice. “I want to talk to Finn and see what he thinks.”
In the hopes of changing the subject, my finger begins to draw the outline of the dragon cloud in the air.
“That might be a problem. Finn is in jail at the moment.”
My head snaps up. “WHAT!” There must be some type of mistake. “Are you sure?”
“Yes.” His eyes avoid me. “My dad is representing him. He and a friend beat someone up.”
I stare at him, my fingers massaging the bridge of my nose as pain spreads rapidly across my forehead. “Who?” I can’t believe Finn could be so reckless—he must be looking at some serious prison time.
Luke ignores the question and observes another dandelion like it is the most interesting plant in the world. “Did you know that these are actually edible?”
I couldn’t care less about the nutritional value of flowers. “Who did he beat up, Luke?”
His face twists into a grimace. “Jed. He was really mad about the book, so he and this guy jumped him the night after he found out you cut yourself.”
A groan runs across my lips, the guilt eating at me. “Please tell me he didn’t.” I can’t bear the thought that Finn could go to prison because he tried to protect me.
Luke’s fingers stroke the back of my hand. “I’m sorry. Hopefully, he won’t have to do much time since the DA is really after his friend who works for this big drug dealer.”
Tears drop into the long grass, the desperation crushing my chest. First, Luke got into trouble with the law after I was rescued, now Finn, and if he squeals on one of Tyrone’s men, there might be additional repercussions. Yet the one who really deserves to be locked up instead of walking around without a worry is Jed—he, of all people, seems untouchable. It’s unfair, but what is worse is that every time I confide my feelings to anyone, they pick my battles and end up in harm’s way.
“Can you tell Finn I’m sorry?” I sob. “I feel so terrible about this.”
“He just wants what’s best for you. I’m sure he’d also agree that you should stay here until you’re better.”
“You think?”
His eyes soften. “We all love you, Kels, and just want you to be alright. Don’t make your mom go to court again. It’s not fair on her.”
Just agreeing to stay and get with the program might really be the best under the circumstances. “Okay, and I promise I’ll work even harder this time.”
“That’s my sis.” He tucks a loose strand of my hair behind my ear. “You’ll see, things will be so much better afterward.”
All of a sudden, I have the urge to get back to my room and sulk. This whole situation is royally screwed up and I am the one who is to blame the most—but the worst is that I will not get a chance to apologize to Finn, even if he should not have risked everything for me. Beating up Jed was really stupid.
~~~~
Fate is finally kind and I get a chance to talk to Finn when he returns to the hospital a few days later. From the outset, he is in an awful mood, his face flushing when I confront him about Jed.
“I still don’t get why you just went ahead and beat him up without even talking to me. I could have told you that you’d get into trouble. Jed might be dumb, but he knows his way around the system.”
“He had it coming, Kelsey.” Finn is rummaging with the garbage cans, dragging them toward the large space out back behind the kitchen where the truck always picks them up. “Guys like him only understand one thing and that is a good punch in the mouth. Otherwise, they’ll never shut up.”
I glare at him—that is the dumbest argument I’ve heard in a long time. “Violence is never the answer, Finn. Jed won’t stop torturing me just because you beat him up. To the contrary. He’ll probably pull another stunt just to prove to you he can. Fighting him was totally pointless and look where it got you.”
His eyes are blazing. “I did what needed to be done and don’t regret it. Having that bastard bleed for a change felt great, even if I have to do some time. It’s a guy thing. I don’t expect you to understand.”
“It’s a guy thing?” I cannot keep the mocking from my voice. “Please, Finn, that’s ridiculous. How much prison time will you get for being tough?”
The steam is practically pouring from his nose. “You see, that’s exactly your problem. You allow people to beat up on you and then you feel all vulnerable and helpless, but instead of standing up for yourself, you feed on your misery and fault those who actually do something about it.”
I stomp my foot. “I never asked you to fight my battles. Beating up Jed was really immature and stupid.”
“Oh yeah.” His mouth curls int
o a sarcastic smirk. “But cutting yourself is a real mature way of handling things? You should listen to how hypocritical you sound.”
Tears roll down my cheeks—how can he be so mean all of a sudden? He used to cut himself and knows it’s an addiction which is hard to beat. “I thought you of all people would understand me, but I guess I was wrong. You don’t give a rat’s ass about my pain and what I’m going through.”
He runs his fingers through his thick waves with a sigh. “Look, if you’re so unhappy, do something about it, but stop waiting around for someone else to save you.” His intense eyes burn into my skull. “Move away and start fresh, or find Jed and cut off his balls—anything—but stop being such a crybaby. We all have a lot of shit to deal with and your whining is getting on my nerves.”
I glare at him in disbelief. He just turned into the same patronizing asshole as Luke when he yelled at me after my alleged suicide attempt. I want to push past him, but he blocks my way.
“Please, Kelsey, I didn’t want to fight. Not today.”
He reaches for my hand, but I pull away, my whole body shaking with anger and disappointment. I can’t even stand looking at him while the tears keep spilling from my eyes. He will never know how much his words sliced into my soul.
“I’ll be locked up for four months.” His voice is rough and laced with despair. “With good time, I should be out by Christmas. I promise I’ll contact you then and we’ll talk without the pressure we are both under at the moment.”
I raise my head and find his eyes. “Don’t bother. As far as I’m concerned, I never want to see you again.”
His mouth contorts like someone just punched him in his stomach, but he gets out of my way when I take a step forward. I run right past him and up to my room, falling onto the bed while heavy sobs battle my body. The tears keep flowing and flowing until I have a bad hiccup and am barely able to breathe through my nose. I hate him, the way I hate everyone else—I am more than a fricking crybaby. After everything I’ve been through, I’ve earned the right to be miserable.
