The Secret Father

by Kim Lawrence

  He did—he had broad shoulders and eyes filled with suppressed anger. ‘Were there many other men…before me?’ Her expression answered him and he turned his face away, but not before she’d glimpsed the agonised expression there.

  ‘It’s not that hard to substitute work for…’ She broke off. She couldn’t really say any more without revealing the true extent of her feelings for him. Sam had stirred her sexuality, a part of her that had lain dormant over the years.

  ‘You were seduced by a bastard who abused his position of trust,’ he said in a savage voice. ‘What the hell have you got to be ashamed about, woman? Why are you so eaten up with guilt?’

  Her face crumpled and she turned away, pressing her cheek into the bark of the tree. Sam caught her by the shoulders and inexorably turned her around. A firm hand on her jaw tilted her face up towards him.

  ‘It’s my fault I lost the baby. I didn’t want it. I was afraid it would remind me of Paul and I hated him. I wanted to lose it. It was my fault.’ The words spilled out of her and her voice rose with each successive syllable.

  She fatalistically waited for the disgust, the distaste. She’d never longed for any man’s approval the way she did Sam’s, and now he would despise her.

  She was jerked roughly into his arms, until her head collided with the solid surface of his chest. Strong arms anchored her next to his heart. She continued to gulp in air, trying desperately to silence the sobs that racked her body.

  ‘Hush, baby, don’t cry. It’s all right,’ he crooned softly in her ear. ‘A person is judged by their actions, Rosalind, not by their fears and thoughts. Hell, we’d all be clapped up in jail if that were the case. Your reaction was a natural one—one you’d have worked your way through eventually if you’d had the opportunity—if the child had lived.’

  ‘I know that,’ Lindy sniffed. She rubbed her cheek against the soft fabric of his shirt. Knowing it was irrational didn’t stop her feeling. ‘Do you think I haven’t told myself that? Afterwards I knew that deep down I had wanted the baby, but it was too late. On the surface I could be logical about it, but underneath… God, I’ve got your shirt all wet.’

  She lifted her head and dabbed ineffectually at the fabric. Her wet eyelashes fluttered upwards and she looked uncertainly into his face. ‘I really did want that baby, Sam.’ Her face puckered into a vehement frown.

  ‘There’ll be other babies.’ With infinite tenderness he brushed the strands of soft hair from her face.

  Her fraught nerves were tranquillised by the warm, mellow sound of his voice. His reassurance made her glow with relief. He understood, he hadn’t condemned her. Why did she always sell him short?

  ‘No!’ Suddenly, with all her strength, she pushed him away. What a fool I am! Just because the man’s kind and sensitive it doesn’t mean he loves you. He only wants you because you might be the mother of his child, a voice inside her cried. Her whole being rebelled against settling for that—she couldn’t settle for that!

  Sam staggered backwards several steps before he regained his balance. ‘What the hell…?’

  ‘I’m not going to marry you,’ she said, with an obstinate expression on her tear-stained face.

  ‘You said you loved me.’

  ‘You have to rub it in, don’t you?’ She scrubbed the back of her hand over her face to blot the last of the dampness.

  ‘I’m trying to be patient here, Rosalind.’ He pressed his steepled fingers together until the knuckles turned white. ‘You can’t tell me you don’t care for me enough to marry me. You dropped everything and leapt on a plane for me when you didn’t even know what sort of reception you’d get. Is it marriage that you object to? Do you prefer us to live together? Talk to me!’

  Was he deliberately being obtuse? she wondered. It wasn’t what she said that was the issue; it was what he had very noticeably not said!

  ‘What are you going to do, Sam?’ she asked bitterly. ‘Cancel the ceremony if I’m not pregnant?’

  ‘What has you being pregnant got to do with it?’

  His incomprehension seemed genuine. ‘Just about everything,’ she replied indignantly.

  ‘Explain yourself!’ His temper wasn’t just frayed at the edges, it was unravelling completely, if the expression on his face was anything to go by.

  ‘It’s perfectly understandable that you don’t want the same situation to arise as it did with Ben,’ she said reasonably. ‘You don’t have to worry—I’d never try to stop you having access to your child. Though all this is a case of putting the cart before the horse…’ Her voice trailed off. He didn’t look reassured—he looked explosive! ‘If you stop to consider this quietly and calmly you’ll see that marriage is a wild overreaction to the situation.’

  ‘Quietly and calmly?’ he thundered, in a voice that made the birds in the topmost branches of the tree flutter away with an alarmed series of squawks. ‘I could strangle you.’ Lindy closed her eyes as his dark face came closer. His hands came to rest at either side of her face against the tree trunk.

  ‘Are you all right, lady?’

  ‘Is this guy bothering you?’

  Recalling the lectures about crime and violence she’d received from all her friends and relations when they’d first heard she was going to America, on another occasion Lindy would have given these two a wide berth. ‘You could be murdered in broad daylight while people walk past’ had been a favourite homily.

  Her two knights wore not shining armour but trainers and baseball caps. A person shouldn’t be cynical, she decided.

  ‘She’s fine,’ Sam snapped.

  ‘Who asked you?’ Despite the aggression, her saviours took an involuntary step back as Sam straightened up to his full height. Lindy didn’t blame them; he looked quite capable of—well, anything!

  ‘I’m fine, boys…’ She stopped worriedly. Did you call young men like this boys without giving insult?

  They looked frankly relieved, though sceptical at her reassurance. ‘We could call a cop.’ They regarded Sam with open suspicion.

  Lindy shook her head. ‘Don’t worry, I’ll be fine,’ she said heartily.

  They continued to look suspiciously back over their shoulders as they strolled away.

  ‘Didn’t that guy look like Sam Rourke?’

  ‘Sam Rourke’s short in real life; I read it somewhere,’ came the scoffing retort. ‘Besides, can you see Sam Rourke going anywhere without a bodyguard?’

  ‘Probably his hairdresser, too…’ Their laughter faded into the distance.

  ‘That was so sweet. It restores my faith in human nature.’

  ‘Sure,’ Sam drawled. ‘It makes me go warm and mushy.’

  ‘There’s no need to be sarcastic.’

  ‘There’s no point in trying to change the subject, Rosalind.’

  ‘The subject was closed.’

  ‘You think,’ he responded silkily.

  ‘This has been a very stressful few days for you,’ she said kindly. ‘You’re not in the best state, emotionally, to be making big decisions.’

  ‘You’d like me to propose to you unemotionally?’

  ‘I thought that was what you did.’ She compressed her lips to hide the tremor.

  ‘For God’s sake, woman, you know I’m in love with you!’ For once, his beautifully mellow voice sounded hoarse.

  ‘I know what?’ she yelped. She couldn’t believe what she was hearing.

  Sam stared at her incredulously. ‘Of course I love you! I told you I loved you,’ he reminded her from between gritted teeth.

  ‘That was before…before I said all those vicious things. You acted like you hated me,’ she protested faintly. This could just be a very realistic dream. She pinched herself just to be on the safe side—it hurt!

  ‘Sure, I thought I hated you, or at least I wanted to—that was the hell of it—I couldn’t! I’ve been through weeks of undiluted purgatory because I love you. Do you think I’m going to stand here and let you tell me not to be emotional about it?’ he yelled. ‘
Why the hell do you think I want to marry you?’ He took a long, slow look at the stricken expression on her face. ‘You thought it was just because of the baby, didn’t you?’ he accused her hoarsely.

  ‘I was only putting two and two together,’ she faltered. Sam loves me—he does! She felt peculiarly light-headed. I’ll never, ever be cynical about happy endings in my life, she vowed. Joy was beginning to get the better of the strange, numb feeling.

  ‘I’ll buy you a calculator and you have to promise me never, ever to attempt mathematical calculations in your head again. I thought you hated me until you turned up here. I can’t tell you what it meant to me that you did that.’ Emotion throbbed in his rich voice. ‘If I had any nagging doubts that you’d do something like that out of friendship, they were dispelled after last night.’ He laughed at the shyness in her flushed face. ‘It was pretty wild, wasn’t it?’

  ‘Oh, Sam!’ she cried, with a catch in her voice. ‘Oh, Sam.’ She knew she was in danger of sounding repetitive, but it was all she was capable of saying.

  ‘Kiss her!’ a loud voice suggested.

  There was a huge roar of approval. ‘Yeah, kiss her.’

  Sam didn’t even turn around, but he was never one to disappoint an audience. He swept Lindy into his arms in a masterful fashion and the applause was loud.

  Bemused but smiling, Lindy gasped for breath once her feet touched the ground once more.

  ‘That’s so romantic. Want some popcorn?’ Misty eyes were dabbed.

  ‘Yeah, thanks.’ A boy on roller-blades dug deep.

  ‘Sam…’ Lindy stood on tiptoe and peeped over his shoulder.

  ‘Uh-huh…?’ he said, his voice muffled against the skin of her throat.

  ‘There are people…people watching us.’ At least twenty people of both genders and various sizes were gathered in a half circle.

  ‘I know.’

  ‘You know!’ she burst out indignantly. ‘God, but you’re such an exhibitionist,’ she accused hotly. ‘How can you share a precious, private moment…? Mmm…’ Her words were lost in the warm recess of his mouth.

  ‘Now I call that a kiss,’ a female voice sighed.

  ‘Way to go!’ someone whooped.

  Lindy was relieved when even Sam decided that enough was enough. He led her through the gathered throng amidst comments that made her blush deepen. To her indignation, he even stopped to sign a few autographs.

  ‘What can I say?’ he responded when she complained. ‘I’m a performer. However, I think we should go somewhere we can’t be disturbed—urgently.’

  ‘That’s a relief,’ she mumbled. If I could only bottle this feeling. I don’t want to forget a single second, she thought fiercely. ‘This might seem pushy, but we do have a perfectly good hotel room,’ she reminded him.

  ‘Excellent! I like pushy,’ he approved. He paused in the act of flagging down a taxi. ‘What hotel was that, incidentally?’ he said casually.

  Lindy grinned and told him.

  ‘It’s easy to say ‘‘Let’s get married’’,’ Lindy said a little later, sitting on the edge of the bed.

  ‘Speak for yourself,’ Sam retorted. The bed swayed gently as he joined her. ‘You didn’t do the asking. Neither were you very co-operative.’

  ‘I mean, it’s a lovely idea, but you’ve got to be practical.’

  Sam heaved a sigh and continued to loosen his tie. ‘It was only a matter of time, I suppose. A more sensitive soul might be a bit upset about your lack of enthusiasm.’

  ‘How can you say that? I was enthusiastic in the taxi, wasn’t I?’ She blushed deeply at the answering gleam in his eyes.

  ‘I thought it wiser to distract you before you started getting logical on me,’ he replied glibly. ‘Ouch!’ he complained, falling back onto the bed with her on top of him. The humour suddenly evaporated from his face. ‘God, but I love you!’

  ‘I still don’t quite believe this is happening, Sam.’

  ‘I love these wispy bits around your face,’ Sam continued, winding one strand of hair carefully around his finger.

  Lindy reached down to touch his face and his lips closed over one finger. She let out a soft cry as he began to suckle softly. He only stopped to turn over her hand and place his mouth against her palm. Heat pooled like liquid in the pit of her belly.

  ‘I can’t think when you do that.’

  ‘I should hope not,’ Sam growled, with a lecherous grin. He deftly pulled her down beside him and, turning his body, looped one leg over hers. His muscular thigh effectively pinned her to the bed. ‘Hush, my love.’ He touched a finger to her lips. ‘I know you want to talk about the conflicts of our careers, but all that’s just so much detail. We can cope with details later. The important thing is we love one another. You do love me, don’t you?’

  ‘Do you need me to tell you?’

  ‘Every second of the day,’ he confirmed.

  ‘I love you, Sam Rourke, for ever!’ she declared solemnly.

  ‘When I came to England, I was determined to see you suffer. I felt so betrayed when I thought you’d gone to the press. Then I saw you come out of the hospital. Did you know that skirt you were wearing is transparent in some lights?’ he teased, but his eyes held the dark memory of deep pain. ‘I knew I loved you, no matter what you’d done. Then he joined you.’

  ‘Adam,’ she prompted tenderly, when his voice became suspended by pain.

  ‘Yeah, only I didn’t know who he was. I wanted to kill him for touching you, and you didn’t even seem to mind.’

  ‘We’re a tactile sort of family, Sam.’ She stroked his cheek to prove the point. ‘It was Adam who got me on the plane here. I wasn’t capable of anything once I got this idea into my head that you needed me. I was like a homing pigeon and you,’ she said, half-shyly, ‘were my home.’

  ‘And you’re mine,’ he responded fervently. ‘And talk-ing of families… About Ben; it’s something I have to do.’

  ‘I know that. It’s just if I ever lost you, Sam…’ The impossible horror of the idea darkened her eyes.

  ‘You won’t,’ he vowed. ‘I promise.’

  ‘I trust you.’ She knew Sam understood the significance of this statement.

  ‘I know,’ he replied simply.

  EPILOGUE

  LINDY watched the boy and man emerge from the water. They shook their heads like two otters and the drops of salt water gleamed in the sun like diamonds.

  The boy, a tall, skinny child with legs like a young colt and arresting blue eyes, reached her first. Panting, he peeled off the snorkel and mask and flopped down beside her on the hot sand.

  ‘It’s terrific,’ he said, rolling onto his stomach. ‘Why don’t you try? He’s not a bad teacher.’

  ‘I find him a bit bossy,’ Lindy confided. She knew how precious this time together was to Sam. She tried not to be obvious about it, but it was important to give father and son time alone. She had the rest of her life with Sam—why be greedy?

  ‘I heard that.’

  ‘You were meant to.’ A warm, intimate smile reached her eyes as Sam lowered his rangy frame down beside her.

  ‘Cover up, Ben,’ she advised, squinting up at the sun. She passed him a vivid, printed shirt.

  ‘Yes, Doc,’ he responded with a grin.

  ‘Bossy, the woman said!’ Sam teased.

  ‘You too,’ she said sternly. She had already slipped a loose shirt over her bikini. The shade from the palm-leafed parasol dappled Sam’s brown chest and shoulders with a chequered pattern. She wanted to reach out and touch the satiny, oiled smoothness of his skin. Then do it! an inner voice urged her. A smile of fierce exhilaration spread over her features. I can—I’m allowed to! she realised wonderingly. 185

  ‘You look like the cat that got the cream,’ Sam observed. He gasped as her cool palm touched his midriff.

  A gold ring gleamed on her right hand; it was plainer than the sapphire and diamond cluster she now sported on her left hand, but just as precious to her. She’d had the gold cu
ff-link she’d carried around with her during the wilderness weeks turned into a ring. She intended to wear it always to remind her of how lucky she was.

  ‘I’d purr if I could.’

  ‘You can.’ His deep voice held laughter.

  Lindy shot him a warning glance and inclined her head towards the boy.

  ‘If you two are going to start all that mushy stuff, I’m off. I’m going to get one of those ice-cream things with pineapple and chocolate and cream. Do you want one?’

  ‘No!’ the adults replied in unison. The amount one thirteen-year-old boy could consume had reduced them to silent awe on more than one occasion over the past week.

  ‘I think that child’s thirteen going on thirty sometimes,’ Sam mused.

  Lindy flopped back beside him and watched Ben’s skinny legs retreat up the beach. ‘I wonder where he puts it?’ She placed a hand on her still flat middle. ‘If I ate half as much as him I’d be the size of a house.’

  ‘A sexy house.’

  ‘Don’t try and butter me up.’ She wiggled her hips to carve her behind a deeper hollow in the soft sand as Sam placed his hand over her bare belly.

  ‘It’s hard to imagine this one will ever be that size.’

  ‘Sometimes it’s hard to imagine this one is really there.’

  ‘You saw the scan.’

  She gave a deep sigh of pleasure. ‘I did.’ It had been one of those precious moments that she’d look back on over the years, a memory she’d polish and keep fresh, and she knew Sam felt the same way.

  ‘Do you think your parents suspected when we insisted on an early wedding?’ Sam asked curiously.

  ‘Probably, but they’re far too tactful to say anything. I expect they probably think a man who takes his son on a honeymoon, especially when the honeymoon precedes the wedding, is capable of anything!’

  ‘This isn’t your honeymoon, woman.’ Sam rolled onto his belly and there was warm promise in his eyes. ‘I’m going to introduce you properly to the other woman in my life on your honeymoon. Don’t worry, I won’t have you climbing the rigging in your present condition—light duties only. Seriously, though, love, you didn’t mind about Ben coming, did you?’