by Amanda Munoz
JAVIER
Insecure
4.
I had a great time, she is just as beautiful inside as out. I can’t believe she went with me. That she trusted me enough. She doesn’t seem the type to trust anyone. I just wish she weren’t so insecure. Confidence is so sexy and she has virtually none. That needs to change. She needs to know how amazing she is. She needs to be able to stand tall and look others in the eye. I can’t teach her that, she has to learn for herself. She will. I know she will.
That’s a start
5.
I stand there a minute in the same spot he left me standing and replay the events of the day in my head. I think about how kind he was, how sweet, how handsome. I think about how much I smiled and laughed and come to the realization that this was probably one of the best days I have ever had and I just let it slip away. I’m angry with myself, I’m frustrated and I wish sometimes I were someone else. Anyone else but myself. Someone bold, and daring, someone strong and confident, someone who takes control of their own happiness. I start to walk down the block in the same direction as Javier and I’m stunned to see him standing against the wall of a building as I round the corner. I take a step back in surprise and he stands there unmoving as he looks at me.
“I thought you were leaving.” It comes our more of a question then a statement.
“I thought so too.” He says, his hands are in his pockets and his posture is lax almost defeated. He doesn’t look me in the eyes and I can’t help but wonder if that’s on purpose.
I don’t know what to say back to him but I feel like this is my second chance. Maybe he stayed to wait for me. I tell myself that letting him walk away may be the biggest mistake of my life. I clinch my hands in to fists and I look him straight in the eyes, “Do you want to have dinner with me?” I never look away, I keep looking him square in the eye. My heart beats wildly in my chest, it feels like I’m waiting for an eternity for his answer.
He slowly begins to smile, the glimmer back in his eyes. He steps away from the wall and lightly nudges me with his shoulder. “I’m starving. And I have to pee!” he says pulling me quickly behind him he starts jumping up and down in what I can only assume was his “potty dance” as his eyes dart back and forth.
He points to a small restaurant across the street “Italian?” I nod and he pulls my hand as we hurriedly cross the street.
Javier picks a small table towards the back of the restaurant. It was a more intimate setting with candlelight in the center of table and dim lighting setting the ambiance. I wondered if he picked this table specifically for that reason or if he just wanted a quieter section of the restaurant. We sit across from each other and peruse the menu while the server goes to get our drinks. There are so many delicious choices but I decide to go with the traditional spaghetti and meatballs because you can never go wrong with that.
“What are you going to get I ask him.” He’s been flipping back and forth between the pages for a while and I can’t help but giggle at how indecisive he seems.
“I want it all.” He says and then turns the page back again. “I wish they had pictures for all of the entrees.” I smile at him and notice how childlike he seems at the moment. “What are you getting? You chose quickly?”
“Oh, spaghetti and meatballs.” I state simply.
He furrows his eyebrows. “That’s boring. You can make that yourself. Try something different.” He says it sternly like he’s actually commanding me to try something different. I look down at my menu and realize he’s right, I should try something different.
“What if I don’t like it? That would be such a waste.”
“We can give it to Carl on the way back to the coffee shop.” He states. “But who knows, maybe it will be your new favorite dish.” His eyes twinkle
I’m confused, “Who’s Carl?”
“The man we gave the Danishes too this morning. I’m sure he’d love some Italian for dinner.” He smiles warmly at me.
I remember then the man from this morning. How happy he was to get our left overs and my heart melts a little for this selfless man in front of me. He referred to him by name. I don’t even know the girl at the café’s name. A wave of guilt washes over me “That was really kind of you, you know.”
Javier meets my eyes and sets down his menu. He moves slightly and his leg brushes against mine. That simple touch makes me shiver and my arms break out in goosebumps. He notices. His eyes leave mine, they roam over my bare my arms and then drop to my lips again. I wonder if he’s thinking of kissing me. I surprise myself with that thought but I know I would love it if he were. I instinctively glance down at his lips too then back up at his eyes. There’s a look in them I haven’t seen yet today. Lust? Maybe hunger. It causes my stomach to flip flop and my breath hitches.
“Do you have any idea how beautiful you are?” he asks me. I shyly look away from. “Please don’t do that. Please don’t look away.”
I turn and look him back in the eyes. It’s so automatic to look away and avoid the awkwardness of the moment. I’ve been like this all my life. No, there was no traumatic events in my child hood. I wasn’t beaten or raped or bullied in school, I’ve just always been shy, always self-conscious, always a little nervous, and always overly cautious. I’ve battled with depression and confidence issues for as long as I can remember and I’ve gone to counseling and I’ve read self-help books and no matter how hard I try nothing changes. I’ve learned to just accept it. It’s me and unfortunately it probably always will be. I know that Javier expects me to look him in the eyes, he wants me to speak honestly to him. I want to as well. I’m going to try my hardest to find the courage inside of myself to do so. He makes me feel something I’ve never felt before. And I love the way it feels.
“I'm trying.” It’s all I say, but I look at him when I say it.
He smiles at me and tucks another stray strand of hair behind my ear. He plays with it between his fingers for a few seconds before he replies. “That’s a start.”
I order something completely different than I ever would have and it was absolutely delicious. Then again it was covered in cheese and that’s always a win in my book. We sit and chat long after our meal is done and Javier even manages to talk me into eating dessert. We share a brownie a la mode and finish the entire thing. It was totally worth it. Javier pays the tab and I graciously thank him.
I don’t want this day to end but I can feel that it’s winding down. We leave the restaurant and head back towards the coffee shop. I walked there in the morning but Javier drove and he needs to go back for his car. When we arrive there’s an awkward silence between us. I feel like he wants to ask me something and for the first time today I can tell he’s holding back. I wonder what he wants to say and I’m surprised that he doesn’t just speak his mind. He doesn’t strike me as the type of person who doesn’t. He’s not like me. But I realize I’m probably the reason he isn’t. He’s probably afraid I will retreat back into my shell if he says something to make me feel uncomfortable.
“Do you want a ride home? It’s getting cold out.” He waits expectantly for my answer. I don’t live very far but I don’t want the night to end. If I accept the ride then my time with him can be extended a little longer. I’ve never felt such a strong magnetic pull to anyone like I do with him. I don’t want him to leave. I want this night to last forever. But I’m not completely comfortable with going with him either.
“I don’t live very far.” I say this with every intention of turning him down although I really don’t want to. The look in his eyes change a bit and I think I see disappointment. I’m sure his eyes match my own. I want to say yes, I really do. I don’t even want to think about all of the missed opportunities in my life because I don’t have the nerve to say yes. I decide not to miss another opportunity. “Yes.” I say it. I say it and I look him in the eyes when I say it. “Yes.” I say it again and I’m not sure why but I said it louder the second time and embarrass myself a little. I shake my head and laugh s
elf-consciously at myself.
He smiles brightly at me. “So, is that a yes?” He laughs at me and I laugh with him feeling a little less embarrassed. He opens the passenger door for me and I get in. He shuts it behind me and walks around the car and I take a few seconds to look around. His car is clean, really clean. But it doesn’t surprise me, and it smells yummy like pineapple.
“It’s Pina Coloada.” He says as he gets in the driver side. “You pay for a premium wash you get a spiffy air freshener.” He grins.
I inhale. “I like it.” I look at him and I want him to kiss me so badly. I want him to lean across the seat and take my face in his hands and kiss me. I've never wanted anything as badly as I want him. The attraction I feel to him is unlike anything I've ever experienced and it’s exhilarating and frightening all at the same time. His lips are so full and look so soft. My mind is clouded in lust and I know it’s written all over my face. He’s looking at me so intensely it's like he can see what I'm thinking. My heart is beating wildly in my chest. Javier shifts slightly in his seat. I think this is the moment he's going to make his move, he looks like he's about to say something. I'm not the "kiss on a first date" type if girl, but for him I just may be. His eyes drop to my lips, and then back up to my eyes and then suddenly he turns his head and faces forward, turning the key in the ignition. The roar of the engine is like a bucket of ice water poured over my head. I'm snapped back to reality, the moments over and the words he wanted to speak die on his lips. He doesn't say a word until he pulls out of the parking lot. But he only asks my street and then continues to drive wordlessly to my home.
The drive lasts no more than five minutes. The silence between us palpable. I can’t help but think there is something wrong with me. It’s always my first thought. Am I not pretty enough or smart enough? Did I say or do something wrong? Does he not like me? I begin to feel emotional which is ridiculous because I barely know this man. He should not have that much of an effect on me. I feel pathetic and suddenly claustrophobic in this car. The moment he pulls in front of my house it’s like I can’t get out fast enough. I quickly un-hook the seatbelt and reach for the door handle.
I stop when I feel him reach across the seat and cover my hand in his. He's looking at me questioningly like he's wondering why all of a sudden I can’t wait to get out of his car. "Why do I feel like I'm never going to see you again?" He asks.
I don't know what to say. I don't know what he wants. So I say nothing and turn my gaze away from him. He moves his hand off my hand slowly, giving me my out. But I don't pull on the handle. I look out the window and up my front steps to the door. It’s so close and yet so far. I don't really want to go yet. But I never do or say what I really want. I don't want it to end like this. Ask him to come up, ask him to come up I think to myself over and over again trying to muster the nerve to actually speak those words aloud.
“Want to come up?" It takes every ounce of courage in me to say those words I'm terrified of his reaction. I'm terrified he will say no, I'm terrified he may say yes. I've never slept with a man I just met. I have had two serious relationships in my entire life, and those are the only two men I have ever slept with. He stares at me for a long time. I start to feel uneasy under his penetrating stare and then immediately begin to wonder if I read this all wrong. I feel the need to clarify the situation, I feel the need to explain myself so that he doesn't judge me.
"I don't usually do this. Actually I've never done this before. I-" My words are cut off as Javier leans over the seat and silences me with his lips.
My lips part for him I and feel the warmth of his tongue slide against mine. I'm overwhelmed by the intensity of his kiss. I can taste the mint from the gum he chewed earlier and a hint of chocolate from the brownie we shared. I love the way he tastes. His lips are soft and inviting and I feel a deep desire for him. Suddenly the kiss becomes hard and frantic. I'm hungry for more and he kisses me with the same hunger. I'm so consumed with desire for him that in this moment I would do anything he wanted. My reason and judgment are trumped by lust, I have no inhibitions, and I’m losing control of myself. The logical side of me screams to stop, to take things slow, to think before I act and I abruptly separate myself from him panting and completely out of breath. He looks spent and just as worked up as I am. I don't know what to do now. Do I leave? Do I say something? I sit there looking at him fighting the feeling of shame that's trying to take over me. I open my mouth to speak but he beats me to it.
"How about I go up another night? I have to get up early tomorrow anyway. I'm flying out for work for a couple days. I’ll be back by Wednesday, maybe we can grab dinner again?" I feel at ease again the awkwardness dissipated. He told me earlier he traveled for work a lot. He worked for some software company so he traveled to different companies around the globe to install the software and for employee training. I eagerly agree to see him again and we exchange phone numbers. Javier walks me to my door and slowly kisses my lips. The kiss this time was sweet and soft and perfect. He waited until I closed and locked my door before he dove away.
I spent the next hour or so too excited to fall asleep. I was still pumped with adrenaline from the amazing day I had. I stood in front of the mirror looking at my pale, gaunt, reflection and try to see what it is he sees. My long dirty blond hair falls loosely in soft waves, its wild and unkempt, my eyes are a light, dull, and gray and outlined with lashes that are so blonde you can barely see them. I'm thin with no shape unless you count straight as a shape. If I smile big, it’s a pretty decent smile, but my teeth are kind of big and I don't usually smile like that anyway. I shrug at my reflection, and decide to take a warm shower to relax. Finally after my shower I'm calm enough to lay down. I lay in bed and just as I begin to my close my eyes, my phone dings alerting of me of a message.
JAVIER: Sweet dreams Aby
I fall asleep thinking about Javier and I wake up with him on my mind too.
JAVIER
OMMISON IS BETRAYAL
6.
I should have left her alone. I just couldn’t go another day without speaking to her. Without getting close to her. There was something about her that I just couldn’t ignore any longer. The magnetism I feel towards her is undeniable. I wish the circumstances were different. I wish that the timing were better. This can only end one way. I’m going to hurt her.
I have to tell her the truth. Omission is betrayal. I have to let her go now but I’m too selfish to do so. I will tell her. I have to tell her. Today just wasn't the day.
Control of my Own Happiness
7.
I wake up early the next morning still happy and cloaked in a calm from the night before. I start the day like any other Monday, but it’s not any other Monday. I can’t remember the last time I felt like this. I know the next couple days are going to pass excruciatingly slow as I wait to hear from Javier. Good thing this trip of his is short and it will only be a couple days until he returns.
I head out of the house and stop at Beans & Teas for my morning cup of Joe. As I walk in to the shop my senses are overwhelmed by the delicious aroma of coffee, I order my usual and decided to add on a couple muffins as well. I tip the girl as usual and stand off to the side to wait for my order. A few minutes later she calls my name indicating my coffee and muffins were ready. As I went to pick it up I read her name tag for the first time. Her name is Emily. She’s a beautiful young woman, no older than nineteen or twenty, she has curly brown hair pulled into a high pony tail, she smiles brightly and her eyes are so kind. I feel a pang of guilt that I’ve never really looked or spoken to her before. I put a couple extra bucks in the tip jar, “Thank you Emily. Have a good day” I smile at her genuinely, she looks surprised by my words and she smiles back brighter.
I walk out of the shop but instead of going to my car I take a left and walk down walkway past a few shops. I walk a little further than I expected, but then I spot him. I pick up my pace a little bit because I don’t want to be late for work, but I have to do this. I want
to do this.
“Good morning...Carl right?” The old man lifts his head up and opens one eye to look up at me. I wave the bag in front of him. “Hungry? I have blueberry muffins.”
His eyes crinkle and he smiles a toothless, gummy smile. I wonder what this man has been through in is life. How did he end up here alone? Surely he has a family. He’s someone’s son, someone’s brother. My heart hurts for him. And I’m reminded how precious life is. How someone always has things worse then you and you have to cherish every moment and be grateful for what you have. I hand him the bag and I’m startled when he takes my hand in his.
“Thank you sweetheart. Thank you. God bless you. God bless you.” I smile in reciprocation. I begin to walk away and I hear him call out, “I’m a person. Some people forget that. Thank you for looking in my eyes honey. You’ve made an old man’s day.”
His words make mine. I think sometimes we forget that just a simple kind gesture can really make the difference in someone’s day. I make a mental note to try and do it more often. I walk back to my car feeling great and smiling the entire way.
It turns out I didn’t have to wait a couple days to hear back from Javier because halfway through my work day I received a text from him again.
JAVIER: I’m sooo bored. Can’t wait ‘til Wed. Sushi?
ME: J Yum. Sounds good. I gave Carl muffins this morning
JAVIER: Really? Did he ask you for your number???
ME: lol no!
JAVIER: Good. Tell him you’re taken
ME: I’m not taken
