Jake felt his stomach turn. "Never. Never, Emma. Remember when I told you if I ever hit them--or you--that I wanted you to leave me and tell Drake? I meant it."
"What about me, Jake? Have you wanted to hurt me?"
There it was. The question he knew would come. The one he had hoped wouldn't come. He kept his gaze locked with hers. He couldn't have looked away from her even if he wanted to. He had to judge her reaction to his answer. He had to see the disgust and horror for himself. "Sometimes." His voice was barely a thread, barely whispered aloud.
She didn't flinch. She had courage, but he already knew that about her. She blinked up at him, digesting his answer, knowing he spoke the truth. She didn't look at him as if he were a monster, she didn't even pull her hands from his, but he felt her tremble.
"Why?"
It took every ounce of courage he had to look her in the eye, to answer her, to let her see inside of him to the dark, ugly truth that he was exposing to her. "To make you prove your loyalty to me. To know you'll stay no matter what, that you want me enough to take whatever I dish out. Other times it's been because another man is too close to you and I need to show him you're mine."
Again she was silent, but she still hadn't turned away. Her gaze remained steady on his. "You've never hurt me," she pointed out.
"That doesn't mean I didn't want to, Emma. That means I choose not to be like the enemies. It's a conscious choice I make every single day. I choose my targets in business, people who have hurt others, and I don't take down those weaker than me. Or those who are honest. I made up my mind that if I had to be a monster, I would at least make certain it didn't control me."
"I'm not laying down for you, Jake. I'll never lay down for you."
"I know that."
"I can see you manipulating me at times and I allow it because whatever you want isn't a big deal to me, but if it ever was, if I wanted something, nothing would stop me." She leaned toward him. "You think about it long and hard before you ever decide to hurt me, Jake. If you hit me, I will walk away. I have too much respect for myself to put up with that kind of crap, no matter how much I love you. And I do love you. I know I do, whether you believe it or not."
"If I ever hit you, Emma, I would know it was time to pack it in. I wouldn't be worth much as a human being."
"And I would never, under any circumstances, tolerate another woman. If you decide to hurt me emotionally, know I will walk if you choose that as your test of what I will or won't do for you. I'm trying to be as honest with you as you're being with me."
She was killing him. Destroying him. Making him so vulnerable inside, he felt like paper in the wind. She turned him inside out. She should be loathing him, despising everything he was, but instead she looked at him with her soft eyes, her warm heart in them, and she loved him. It was there. That look. The one he'd been waiting for. She made no pretense of hiding it. She sat exposed, unafraid, courageous, letting him see inside of her. And she made him weak and scared. Not just afraid. Terrorized.
He dropped her hands and stood up, knocking the heavy chair backward, pacing like a caged animal. "What the fuck is wrong with you, Emma? You should be running screaming out of here. I just told you about my bloodline. I told you that sometimes I want to hurt you--test you--yet you're sitting there, all wide-eyed like some innocent virgin, thinking love conquers all. I don't even believe in love. You know that, right? You should be running, damn it. Do you really think you're going to be able to live with me? With the kinds of things I'll demand from you? Your idea of love . . ."
"Is adolescent?" She raised her eyebrow as she quoted him back. "Because I don't know about the kind of sex you want?" She didn't raise her voice at all.
She stood too, crossing the small distance he had put between them. His head was down, in stalking mode, his eyes fierce, focused, frightening in their intensity. She ignored the wall he was attempting to build and went right up to him, ignoring the danger signals, turning her face up to his, her heat surrounding him, her scent deliberately enveloping him. She kept her voice a low, intimate tone, but made certain she enunciated each word.
"I may not know about your adult sex. But I know about love, Jake, and you don't. You can teach me about your hard-core, kinky sex and I'll teach you about making love. Being in love--real love--the kind of love that endures. The kind worth fighting for. The kind of love where when I look at you and you look at me, we can see each other all the way, deep down to everything hidden, and know we're where we're supposed to be. The good and the bad, strengths and weaknesses, everything we are and know. At the end of the day, we'll know we've been truly loved."
Emma put her palm on his chest, over his heart. "I'm not afraid of going where you lead. I believe in you. And I trust you with my life, but more importantly, with the lives of our children. I'm willing to put everything that I am into your hands because I trust you that much. I trust that you'll put me first and protect and care for me with everything that you are. I'm not afraid of what you came from, or the monster you think lives inside of you. You've learned a lot of things about life that are ugly, but that doesn't make me afraid either. Why? Because I know you. I see you. You aren't hiding from me. I've lived with you for two years and I know you."
She tilted her head to one side, studying his face. "Do you trust me? I think that's the real question here. Do you trust me enough to put your life in my hands and follow where I lead? Do you have the courage to let yourself love? That's the kind of man I want and need, Jake--a man with the courage to let himself learn from me. Because if there's one thing I do well, it's love." She stood on her toes and kissed the corner of his mouth. "You'll have to decide. Right now I'm going to go upstairs and get ready so the doctor can assure you I'm well enough to take my house back. And I'll buy the most beautiful cocktail dress you've ever seen so you can get all sorts of interesting ideas for later on. In case you didn't get it, I'm very proud of the man you've become." She turned to walk away and he caught her wrist.
"Emma, wait. We'll see about you going anywhere. Don't set your heart on it."
She made a face at him. "We won't see. Nurse Tell-Me-What-to-Do can leave and I can have my house back."
"We'll see," he repeated.
"If the doctor says I'm fine, then I want to go into the city and pick out a dress for the party." When he frowned, she glared at him. "Unless you've changed your mind," she said hopefully, "and decided I don't have to go with you." Although she was still going to get out of the house and off the ranch and just breathe for a while.
He massaged the nape of her neck. "You're not getting out of it. If I have to go, you have to go. I'm not suffering alone."
"Fine, I guess we're going. So I'll need a dress. I've never owned anything like what I'd need for this event."
He tapped a pen on the top of a side table, his frown lines not just around his face but also crinkling his forehead, giving her warning of what was to come. "You don't have to go out. We'll have dresses sent from some shops and you can choose."
She almost gritted her teeth. "I want to go out. Susan and I have been looking forward to going shopping. I'm sick of being cooped up."
"You've never felt cooped up before."
"Well, I do now. I want to go into the city and go shopping and get away from all this . . ." Testosterone. She felt overwhelmed by him sometimes, especially when he hovered so close when she was hurt. She felt like one of the children. She might as well be one of the children, lying next to him without him touching her. No, that was wrong--touching her without doing anything about it. She set her mouth mutinously. "I'm going shopping."
His eyebrow shot up. "Really. I doubt you'll go after Drake talks to you." He paused and called Drake on the intercom. "Emma would like to go into the city--shopping."
Jake heard Drake hiss and he folded his arms across his chest and leaned his hip against the wall, waiting. There was plenty of satisfaction in knowing Drake was going to take the brunt of her anger, not him. Which was a good t
hing; she was getting edgy again and his experience with Emma was that if she felt pushed past a certain point, her sharp little claws would come out.
The security team was in place--her security team--and if Emma wanted to go dress shopping rather than have dresses sent to the ranch for her to try on, she was going to have to accept what Drake was saying to her. Things had changed significantly since he put that ring on her finger, although she wasn't going to like how. He sighed, wishing his life weren't so complicated. This would be one more added pressure, one more thing Emma would balk over.
Emma said nothing, dropping back into her chair, drawing out the silence until Drake arrived along with Joshua. Drake came in and took the chair opposite Emma. Joshua closed the door and stood by it.
Emma tilted her chin and shifted her gaze from Drake's stern face back to Jake. She didn't look as if she was going to be blaming anything on Drake.
"You want to go shopping today?" Drake asked.
"Yes." Her voice was firmer than ever. "If I don't get out of here, I swear I'm going to lose my mind and there will be bloodshed--preferably Jake's." Her skin crawled with a thousand little ants, and it took every ounce of self-control she had to remain seated and not fly at someone and rake them with claws until they just got out of her face. She had the waves of heat that seemed to rush over her, until she was so hot she needed to tear off her clothes and stand outside in the cool air. "I'm getting snappy with the children and more than once I've thought about clawing out someone's eyes." Again she looked at Jake.
Drake's eyebrow shot up and he flicked a quick glance at Joshua and then Jake.
Jake shrugged. "Just a minute ago she was being really sweet, Drake. I didn't do anything."
"If the doctor has okayed you leaving . . ."
"I swear, Drake, if one more person says that to me," Emma snapped, "I'm going to hit him over the head. I don't care what the stupid doctor says. I'm not staying in this room another minute. No one else is going to take care of my children. And everyone is going to stop telling me what to do." She was beginning to feel like a child herself, with parents standing over her telling her what she could and couldn't do. "And, Joshua, you can get away from the damned door before I throw something at you."
She could hear her voice swinging out of control, but she felt caged, the three men looming over her, intimidating her.
"Baby," Jake spoke quietly, "I'm your target, not him."
That made her ashamed. A reprimanded child throwing a tantrum. She just wanted . . . out. Away. Gone.
"Emma." Drake's voice was utterly low, but held that same commanding note Jake often got when he meant what he said. "You're engaged to Jake. That makes you a target. You don't have to like it, no one likes it, but it is reality. Jake doesn't leave the house without a bodyguard, and you can't either. If you want to go shopping, we'll go, but we have to make certain it's safe. I never want you to feel as if you're a prisoner here."
"I'm used to you going with me, Drake, and I've never objected. I know you have to be there if we're taking the children, but I thought Susan and I would go out together. If you want to come, I certainly haven't objected."
He shook his head. "Not Susan. It's too risky. She's a kid, unpredictable, and she's a senator's daughter. If Jake's enemies make a try for you, she'll be in the line of fire, and you wouldn't want that."
"This is silly." She pushed both hands through her hair. "No one knows. Nothing's changed. I just want to get out of here." She wanted to cry. She felt like she could barely breathe, and now, if she insisted, she'd feel childish putting everyone to the trouble of protecting her. The whole thing was ridiculous. "I'll take off the ring."
"You'll keep the fucking ring on your finger, Emma," Jake snapped, his eyes glittering at her. He straightened, the lazy facade gone. "You can keep your ass home."
"Then I'm not going to the party," Emma said, pushing herself out of the chair.
Before Jake could say anything, Drake intervened, sending a warning glance to his friend. "Emma, I have no problem taking you shopping. Jake, I can handle it from here."
It was a dismissal, and one Jake wouldn't have taken from anyone but Drake. He knew the man was trying to help him, to save him from himself. Jake tried not to react to the thought of leaving Emma alone in the room with two male leopards in their prime.
He could feel his cat so close--too close. It leapt and clawed for freedom, raking at the inside of his belly. His hands ached, his fingers curling and knuckles hardening. He wanted her beneath him with every cell in his body. Domination? Or love? He had no idea, only that in her way, Emma was every bit as dangerous as he was.
She thought she knew him, thought she knew his secrets, but if she knew about his cat, hidden from her sight, raking at him to get at her, she wouldn't be so sure of herself--or of Jake--any more than he was. He knew, after her admission of seeing cat tracks near her parents' car, that she would never trust him once she knew the truth. Even if by some miracle she had a cat inside of her, she might wonder if he had something to do with her parents' deaths, if their meeting had been planned from the beginning. She knew he'd manipulated her into living with him. It wasn't that far of a step to take the conspiracy further.
He had tried to warn her, tried to show her the ugliness that was a part of him, and he couldn't help but admit that she might see some of it, but how could he ever show her the rest? Besides trying to live with him, she was going to have to live with the insanity of his world. He had personal protection. It was a way of life, and it would continue to be for her, for their children. He shook his head, knowing he was asking a lot of her. He needed to lose himself in his other form, to just run away from who and what he was.
"I'm heading out, then, I feel like going for a run." He looked Drake in the eye. Man to man. "I'm putting her in your hands." And it was the hardest thing he'd ever done, trusting another man with Emma, with his life, because he knew that was what he was doing.
Drake nodded, understanding. He watched Jake drop a kiss on the top of Emma's head, wondering if Jake knew just how far he'd come from their first meeting.
"Let's just get this over with, Drake," Emma said, looking close to tears. "I'll do whatever you want. Have the shops send the dresses here."
He shook his head. "No, we'll go. You want to go, we'll go. I'm not having you start your life with Jake thinking it's too much trouble for you to leave the ranch. We're just going to go over the rules. I want you to listen to me very carefully, Emma. When we're off the ranch, I'm the one in charge. Always. When I say stop, you stop. When I say move, you move. When I say get down, you don't hesitate, you don't question me, you just do it. If you have any questions, now is the time to ask them. I want you to be comfortable with your security, not afraid of it and certainly not fighting it."
She nodded. "I understand. That doesn't sound too complicated." Her fingers twisted together in her lap, and more than once, she slid her finger over the ring as if it were uncomfortable on her hand.
"You will never, under any circumstances, skip out on me or the team. That's an absolute. We don't want any more risk to you or to the team than necessary."
"Of course, Drake, but why do you keep saying 'team'? We're getting a dress."
"We're going to be high profile, Emma, because the threat to you is very real. Your engagement to Jake was announced in the papers. We'll have a driver staying with the car. I'll walk in front of you, Joshua behind you, and Evan and Sean will be on either side of you. We'll all stay together when we're moving and you will stay in the center at all times on the street. We'll go with the flow of traffic but try not to stop. We don't have a female and Jake should start thinking about getting one."
She stirred, her gaze flicking over him, the sudden thought of a female around Jake all the time irrationally irritating her. "I don't think that's necessary."
"It's necessary if we're out and you need to go to the ladies' room. You won't be too happy when we go with you and clear it. The same with the
dressing room."
B Y the time the doctor had come and gone, giving her permission to resume normal activities, Emma was sorry she had ever decided to go shopping. She was even more edgy and emotional, close to tears at times. She hadn't realized how much she'd come to regard Joshua and Drake as her friends, and now, thanks to the ring on her finger, she was something else to them, someone they would have to guard wherever she went. She sat in the large SUV, a black Cadillac, and twisted the ring back and forth, feeling alone.
This was supposed to be a fun outing, a way to get away from the children and from Jake's overwhelming personality, but instead she felt like a burden, and worse, was very embarrassed that she would have to walk in public with men so obviously guarding her. Ordinarily she was quite happy at home, but all of a sudden, as she feared, things were changing and Jake was taking over more of her life. Sitting alone in the car surrounded--not by friends she laughed and joked and shared her life with, but by bodyguards, men she had to obey--she felt very isolated.
The driver parked in the lot and Drake slipped out of the vehicle first. She watched him scan the area, his gaze touching pedestrians and a van parked in a corner slot with the engine running. He waited for it to pull away and turn out of the lot before he opened her door for her.
"Come on, Emma, let's just do this the first time and you'll see it's not so bad."
Standing in the center of the diamond formation the team made around her, following Drake, with Joshua behind her and the two other men on either side, she walked with them, keeping to their pace, her head down, not looking at those around her. She was aware of the traffic in the street and the people on the sidewalk. This was going to be her life. Worse, it was going to be how her children had to live.
Jake. She sighed, thinking about him, about how his life had to have been so difficult, yet for the past two years she'd never once had to think about it.
"Stop taking your ring off," Joshua hissed from behind her as they waited for Drake to check the first shop on their list.
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