I pulled my phone out of my hoodie pocket and called Taylor on my way out to my car to let her know what was going on, and that I was running a few minutes behind for our appointment. And since it was too late to uninvite the entire rugby team, we might as well pick up the party essentials: beer, beer, and more beer.
After Taylor and I got home, Laney made a huge production of stomping around the house and giving us the silent treatment again. Jeff was sound asleep on the couch with the TV on, and I figured he was either feigning sleep so he didn’t have to deal with Laney’s tantrum, or he could actually sleep in a warzone. I smiled to myself when I saw Taylor cover him with one of the crocheted blankets that her mom sent us for Christmas last year while she muttered “Creep” under her breath.
I checked my phone again while I waited for the shower to warm up. Nothing from Josh. Not a text, not a call, nothing to let me know he was okay. I tossed it on the counter, and I could feel myself getting angry for the first time since he left. He said he’d protect me from anything, but the silence from him cut far deeper than it should have for such a new relationship. It wasn’t about missing him or feeling like he didn’t care. I was actually worried about him, and he should have taken that into consideration instead of just disappearing and leaving his cousin to babysit me while he was gone.
I stepped into the shower and let the hot water envelop my body. For the first time since I fell in love with Josh Travin, I cried.
Chapter Twenty-Six
I was ripped out of a restless sleep when I felt the mattress dip with the weight of someone climbing into bed next to me. I jerked up, ready to run.
“Shhh. It’s just me.” I instantly relaxed when I realized it was Josh. But just as quickly, my body tensed up again, remembering how we’d last parted. How I’d felt so empty, and how I’d spent the last three days with my stomach in knots, wondering what was going on, or if I’d even see him again. It felt like he was back to his old game, where he could just push me away without any explanation, and I wasn’t playing anymore.
“Get off me.” I turned on my side to face the wall and pulled my thick comforter up around my shoulder. “The way you treated me… just get out.” I couldn’t control the anger in my voice, and that was new for me. I was usually able to conceal any emotion I was feeling, but with Josh, I wasn’t able to hide how I felt.
“Addison, please,” he rasped out, in that deep, needy tone he seemed to save just for me. He wrapped an arm around me and pulled me fluidly back into his chest, his arm flexing as if he were trying to make sure there was no space between us.
“Just leave, Josh.” I tried to wrench away from him, but he didn’t let go. I could feel the heat of his bare chest, warming my back through the thin cotton t-shirt I wore.
“Never again,” he promised against my ear, and I had to fight the urge to sink back against him. It had only been a few days that we’d been apart and I was already missing him. I felt pathetic. “I’m so sorry, Addie. I didn’t want to leave you. I never want to be apart from you.”
“You had no problem leaving me here without even telling me what the hell is going on. No calls, no texts, nothing. Do you even know how worried I’ve been? Wondering if you were okay for the last three days?” I said, my voice low and harsh. “I’m not doing this, Josh. I’m not going to be your little yo-yo that you throw down and pick back up whenever the mood strikes you.” I felt him let out a breath that he must have been holding and his embrace didn’t lessen. “We’ve all got secrets. I haven’t told you everything I need to tell you, but the difference is, my secrets aren’t hurting you. Either tell me what’s going on or leave.” Instead, I felt him press his face against the back of my neck, breathing in as if he were contemplating what to say next.
“I had to go see my father. I didn’t know how to process everything, and I didn’t want to drag you into any of this,” he said finally, soft against my ear. “I need to talk to you about some things.”
“Your father?” I asked. “I thought you hadn’t seen him since you were a kid?”
“Turn over so I can look at you while I tell you all this.” He tugged on my hip, wanting me to turn to face him.
“No. You just want to distract me with sex and make me forget that you hurt me and—“
“Addison, please.” The sadness in his voice had my body responding, turning to face him. Instead of the rigid tension I’d sported just moments before, my body turned soft and pliable at his tone, allowing his palm to move from my ribs, down my side to rest on my hip.
“I haven’t seen him in person since I was nine. He recently got into some trouble and because I’m his next of kin, I’m the one they called.” Josh smoothed his thumb across my cheek, and I could feel the apprehension in him when he added, “I didn’t know how to even begin to tell you because I’ve never had to share any of this with someone before. I freaked out and shut down, and I’m really sorry for that.” He was going through something big, and I wished he felt comfortable enough to tell me about it. But, I was the last person who could blame him for keeping difficult things to himself. “I’m so sorry that I didn’t call you, and I’m sorry I left like I did.” His voice broke with emotion. “I need you to know that every decision I make is to keep you safe, even if it doesn’t seem like it.”
“I’ve never been dependent on anyone, Josh, not that I can remember anyway…” I trailed off for a second, trying to remind myself that I needed to hold it together. “I can’t let you wreck the life I’ve built from nothing.”
“Stop. You don’t need to explain yourself to me. Ever,” Josh bit out, and I stopped speaking. I must have tensed up again because his tone softened slightly. He played with the hem of my t-shirt, before sliding his fingers underneath to stroke the soft skin of my hip and side. “I care about you so… more than I can even… I just can't tell you how much. I want to tell you everything, I don’t want there to be anything hanging between us, but I also need to make sure you’re safe first. We need to ride this out together, okay? No matter what.”
“No matter what,” I blurted the words out before I could stop myself. His hand went to my ponytail and tipped my head back to expose my neck. He buried his face there and let out a breath of pure relief.
“It's all so intense,” he mumbled, his fingers tugging the hair tie out and then weaving through the freshly freed strands. “I’m sorry I hurt you. I need you to know that. I’m fucked up. I haven’t told you everything, but I will, I promise I will.”
I slid my hands up and down his back, and paid extra attention to the knotted muscles in his shoulders, rubbing them a little more deeply than the rest of his skin.
“You’re kind. A kinder soul than I ever deserve to have care about me,” Josh said, and the scruff of his five o’clock shadow was delicious against my jaw. “I try so hard to do the right thing, even when I just want to rip everything apart. I have so much to tell you, and I just don’t even know how.”
“I want this to work out between us, but it can’t if we’re not honest with each other.” I scratched my fingers through the waves of his hair. I couldn’t explain it, just having him next to me filled my chest with a peace that I’d never known. This had to work out because I knew I’d never feel this way for anyone else. “I want to trust you.”
He pulled my face toward his and pressed a slow kiss to my lips. “I don’t want there to be any secrets between us,” he whispered. “But the time needs to be right. I can’t lose you, Addison. I won’t lose you.”
Even in the dimly lit room, I could see that he was overthinking everything. I could see the anguish he felt over wanting to share something with me, but not knowing how. I felt that in my soul so deep, I couldn’t even begin to explain to him how much I understood, how much I could relate regarding my own secrets.
“I understand more than you can imagine.” I brushed my knuckles against his cheek. “I missed you,” I said, knowing he loved hearing it.
“I missed you.” He pulled me in c
lose, rubbing his hands down my back to rest on my legging-covered ass. “A little overdressed for bed?”
I didn’t answer him at first, until he increased the pressure of his fingers pressing into my skin, demanding my attention. “I felt really anxious, like something bad is brewing. I wanted to be able to run if I needed to.”
He pulled my leg up over his hip, his forearms locking like bars across my back, cuddling me closer as if to protect me from my own memories.
“Do you still feel that way?” he asked, pressing a kiss to my hair.
“Not right now I don’t,” I said honestly. I felt safe with Josh, and despite being frustrated with him, I couldn’t deny the comfort he brought me.
“I’ll be here from now on, okay?” Pressing a kiss to the top of my head, he tugged on my leggings for me to kick them off, and lifted my shirt up to pull all the way over my head. “Always. You hear me?”
“I hope so,” I said softly. “But we need to figure this out. We can’t keep hiding things to protect ourselves. We’ll only end up hurting each other.”
“Let me stay with you tonight, and we’ll talk about it tomorrow,” he suggested, and I could hear the unease in his voice that I might tell him to leave. “Will you still let me take you out tomorrow night? We can talk it all out then.”
I relaxed a little, but nervousness curled in my stomach. I needed to tell him what happened to my mom and Jamie, and how I got my scars. Taylor didn’t treat me any differently now that she knew, and I hoped Josh wouldn’t either. I hoped it would only bring us closer.
“It’s a date,” I said quietly, finally relaxing in his arms.
He pressed a gentle kiss to my lips and didn’t push to deepen it. Shifting, he tangled our legs together as I rested my head against his chest, listening to his heart beat.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
“Is Nick coming?” Laney cornered me in the kitchen on Saturday night, where I’d been hiding since this dreadful party began.
“I’m not sure, I haven’t seen him.” I sipped lemonade out of the red plastic cup.
Laney threw her hands up in the air, her blue crop top yanking dangerously high with her agitated movements. “Can’t you ask Josh?”
“I’ll ask him when he gets here.” Josh hadn’t arrived yet. He said he was getting stuff ready, and judging by the way Laney was scowling, I couldn’t tell her that. The morning had gone really well with Josh, despite the previous three days. I hoped that tonight we could talk things out and come home without any secrets between us. I was both scared and excited about the future with him.
I set my cup down and busied my fingers fixing one of Laney’s pigtails that was slipping from high on top of her head. “Your makeup looks awesome,” I said truthfully. Laney needed some encouragement and not the type you get from boys who want to get you into bed.
“Thanks.” Her voice softened, but I could still hear her over the loud music. “Taylor did it.” She gave me a genuine smile, one I hadn’t seen in a while. It reminded me of the way Laney had been freshman year, sweet and not overdramatic like recently.
“Try not to worry about Nick tonight,” I said, leaning back against the counter, crossing my arms over my fitted green cardigan. “There are lots of cute boys here.”
“He’s going to regret ghosting me,” Laney promised, taking a swig of her drink.
“Hey, beautiful,” Josh whispered, startling me momentarily when he snuck up next to me.
“Hey.” I gave him a quick kiss, leaning up on my tiptoes.
“You ready to go?” he asked, squeezing me close to his chest.
“Go?” Laney interrupted, and I felt Josh’s arms stiffen around me. I knew she really irritated him, even if he wouldn’t say so.
“We’re going on a date,” he answered bluntly before I could cut in and sugarcoat it like he probably knew I would.
“You’re not staying for my party?” Laney’s eyes narrowed into slits, and my stomach turned. I hated being on the receiving end of her temper tantrums. Those nice moments, like the one we had just shared, were becoming increasingly few and far between.
“I’m the one who doesn’t want to stay,” Josh said, his voice challenging. I glanced between them, unsure of what was happening.
“Well, how nice for you,” Laney finally said, looking at me instead of Josh, crossing her arms over her chest. “I hope you have a good date.”
I opened my mouth to console her like I always had in the past, but Josh interjected.
“Thanks. We will. It’s always a good night when we’re together.” He dropped a kiss on my forehead, and I got the distinct feeling that it was more for her benefit than mine.
Laney glared at me as if I had any sort of control over what Josh was saying or doing, and like she had a reason to be upset with either one of us. I never liked parties, so it shouldn’t have been a surprise that I’d want to skip out. In fact, she’d explicitly told me when she planned this whole thing that she didn’t care if I didn’t stick around the whole time, but clearly, she had changed her tune.
“Is Nick coming tonight or what?” Laney asked when Josh lifted my coat, helping me slip it on. I looked up at him when he brushed my hands out of the way and began buttoning the large buttons on the peacoat. The gesture felt so familiar, yet so foggy, I couldn’t place it. Had he done this before?
“No idea.” Josh shrugged.
“You’re on the same team.” Laney huffed, the agitation in her voice growing more apparent with each word.
“Doesn’t mean I know what he does off the field.” I looked up at him, and his features were neutral as he fastened the last button on my coat. My stomach rolled as a memory came crashing into my mind. I was young and so was the boy, but he was still taller than me. In the memory, I looked up at him, my little hands shaking and cold as he fumbled, trying to get the buttons on my coat clasped.
“Asshole,” Laney sneered, storming out of the kitchen and jerking me out of the memory.
“Have you… You’ve buttoned my coat before?” It came out as a question.
He didn’t answer, but instead, caressed my cheek with his thumb before dropping a kiss to my lips.
“Come with me, I wanna take you somewhere special.”
“Josh.” I leaned up, cupping his face in my hands, studying his features. His eyelashes fluttered shut, hiding the emotions swirling in his green eyes.
“Just come with me.”
Beautiful Legend: An Angsty College Romance Page 17
