He looked back at Alyssa feeling hurt and betrayal creep up and twist around his heart. How could she? Then, as he stared at her, he finally noticed her smile wasn’t one of those genuine ones she’d given him after they stopped fighting; it looked tired and bored. Well, good—at least she didn’t look happy about being that close to the man.
Even so, Sean couldn’t help thinking how good they looked together, how perfectly they fit the stereotype of the wealthy and successful couple.
I’ll never look half as good next to her. I’ll never fit in her world. I don’t deserve her. She doesn’t belong in the country. She deserves better. She’s out of my league.
The thoughts played on a loop in his mind, hammering like a woodpecker and planting seeds of doubt and defeat.
Maybe his love wasn’t enough to make things between them work. Maybe the rejection emails he’d received were a way for the universe to tell him that they weren’t meant to be and he should give up already.
He would never make her as happy as she deserved to be.
***
Two weeks had passed since Sean and Tammy left New York, and Alyssa was just as miserable as she could be. Nothing was going right.
She’d been assisting the senior attorney in a case she wouldn’t have taken on in the first place had she had the authority to decide, and she hated it.
Julian had started calling and showing up at the most unexpected times, either outside her office or her apartment—and he was starting to give her the creeps. He thought his dazzling twenty-thousand dollar smile would make up for everything he lacked but Alyssa reckoned that despite being such a smart, successful lawyer, the man could be really thick.
Her mother, to top it all off, hadn’t given up hope yet and was still pushing her to go out with Julian, inviting her to parties and public events that Julian happened to be attending, too. She’d managed to fool her once at a charity event most of the legal world in New York was attending a week ago; at first, Alyssa had seen nothing suspicious in it, since Julian ran in her same social circles so she’d known all along he’d be there. When he’d approached her with a goblet of sparkling white wine and a smile that made the hair on the back of her neck stand with fear, she’d decided this was as good a time as any to tell him all she thought of him. She knew he wouldn’t make a scene or try groping her in front of so many important people. This would be the perfect chance to finally get it all off her chest. She’d just managed to say “We need to talk,” when a photographer had cut in, asking them to pose for a picture. Julian had nodded, flashing his trademark smile, and had snaked his arm around Alyssa’s waist, making her stomach twist from his vice-like touch. The memory of Sean’s touch was all Alyssa could concentrate on to hold back the bile climbing up her throat.
Alyssa’s mother had reached them then, taking away the one chance Alyssa had to set things straight. When her mother had turned to her, with an awed smile still plastered on her face as a result of something Julian had said, no doubt, Alyssa had wondered whether this would be the right moment to tell her about Sean. Maybe if she admitted she was in love with someone else, not only would Julian stop harassing her, but her mother would stop pushing her into his arms.
She’d opened her mouth to say it, I’m in love with a cowboy, plain and simple, but as the words had floated through her mind she’d realized her mother would have a fit right there, in the middle of an important party attended by all her friends and colleagues. Was she ready to be the target of the one hundred or so pairs of eyes that would fix on her the moment her mother screamed and fainted? Because, melodramatic as it sounded, Alyssa knew that would’ve been the exact reaction her mother would have had, once she’d heard that her daughter was dating a farmer.
Judge Tripp, a friend of her mother’s, had approached them just as Alyssa had shut her mouth and decided that this wasn’t the right time after all. She’d better make sure her mother was seated, and had smelling salts at hand before she spilt the beans.
As soon as Julian and her mother had become engrossed in a conversation with Judge Tripp, Alyssa had sensed it would be the perfect moment to escape Julian’s grip. She’d looked around, spotted her father and walked quickly toward him.
When a few days later Alyssa had seen Julian at a police department charity party where he had no business being, she’d understood immediately what her mother was up to; after that, she’d declined all of her mother’s invitations, hoping it’d be enough to discourage her from keeping trying.
The only ray of light in her days was the nightly Skype chat with Sean. It was the only thing that gave her the strength to get up every day, even when she wanted to pull the duvet over her head and forget the rest of the world.
Although talking to him through a computer screen wasn’t enough to mend the cracks in her heart, the ones that had split it open the moment she’d said goodbye to him at the airport, it was better than not seeing or talking to him at all; it would have to do until either of them came up with a solution.
Restless and depressed after another awful Monday, Alyssa spent more than an hour playing Candy Crush on her computer while staring at the gray icon on Skype, hoping it would soon turn green and tell her Sean was ready for their chat.
When it finally did, Alyssa’s heart skipped a beat, and as soon as his handsome face appeared on the screen the tension left her body; as usual, all of her worries and the events of the day disappeared into thin air when she saw his piercing blue eyes staring at her. Tonight, his usual five o’clock shadow was longer and unkempt, giving him an even rougher look which, she had to admit, had butterflies swarming in her belly.
“Hi,” he said, his tone sounding a little off. Apprehension killed the butterflies as soon as they took flight when she noticed his eyes weren’t sparkling with love the way they always were whenever he’d looked at her. For the first time since they’d fallen in love, she saw pain in them.
“Hi,” she said, warily. “You look . . . um . . . tired.”
Sean hung his head and when he looked up at the webcam again, Alyssa saw his eyes were darker and even more pained than she’d first suspected.
“It’s been a rough day,” he said, letting out a breath. “My father hasn’t been feeling well today, but when I suggested we hire someone to help he got all upset. He doesn’t want to admit he’s getting old and we need another pair of hands here.”
His shoulders sagged and Alyssa’s heart broke a little.
“I guess it’s just hard for him to admit he can’t do what he’s done all his life, know what I mean?” she said tentatively. “He’s just being a little stubborn, but maybe he’ll change his mind.”
“I guess so.” Sean shrugged, then gave her a crooked smile. “He is stubborn, you definitely nailed it.”
“Well, now I know who you take it from.” Alyssa laughed and saw him smiling a little wider. Maybe she was managing to lift his spirits a little. She didn’t like to see his face etched with so much sorrow. “Hey, what happened to your face? Where does that beard come from?” she asked in a perky tone, changing the subject in hopes of steering the conversation to a happier ground.
Sean smiled feebly and scratched his chin. “I’ve just been lazy and didn’t feel like trimming it. Why? Don’t you like it?”
Alyssa’s smile broadened when she heard his tone getting a little more animated, more like the Sean she knew. “I love it. It makes you look quite sexy and, well . . . very manly.”
He finally laughed, and the sound of his laughter filled her heart with joy. She’d missed it so much. It reminded her of all the times they’d bantered while she was in Wind Creek, and he’d laughed like that. Her attempts at making him smile had succeeded but now she was the sad one.
“I miss you, Sean,” she said, her tone turning serious. Tears threatened to spill. She could feel the sting behind her eyelids, but she swallowed hard and fought them back.
Sean’s face fell and his eyes lost their twinkle again.
“I miss
you, too,” he said, looking straight at her. She wanted to climb inside the computer screen and lose herself in his arms.
Then, a second later he looked down, away from the webcam, and Alyssa noticed his expression change from loving to sad, to almost hard. A chill ran down her spine as uneasiness twisted her stomach. Something was wrong, very wrong.
“And this is why it’s going to be so hard for me to have this conversation with you now. I love you; I’ve never lied to you about that, but . . .” He looked away again and Alyssa felt as if someone had poured ice-cold water all over her, soaking her deep down to her soul. “I can’t take this any longer; I need you around. I’m done being content with seeing you through a computer screen. This is not how a relationship should be—not how I want it to be. I can’t have a long-distance relationship, Alyssa. I’m sorry; it just won’t work.”
Alyssa grabbed fistfuls of her comforter while her heart plummeted all the way down to her feet, ending with a thump as it hit the wooden floor.
This wasn’t happening; this couldn’t be real. Sean couldn’t be putting an end to their relationship just like that. He couldn’t be giving up so easily, not after telling her how much he loved her.
“Alyssa, please, say something.”
She shook her head, in full denial mode. This had to be just a misunderstanding; he obviously hadn’t meant to say those words to her.
“No. This is . . . I mean . . . You can’t . . . We . . . No, no, no.” She stammered, unable to form a single sentence. Her voice trembled, mirroring her trembling hands that were still fisting the comforter in a grip so tight she’d probably have sore fingers afterwards. Her eyes filled with tears as a vice of grief snaked its way around her heart. This wasn’t happening.
“I hate being the one to burst our bubble, but I just can’t go on like this. I miss you too much, and it’s tearing my life apart. I’m . . .I’m moping around like an idiot, I can’t sleep a whole night through, I’m functioning on autopilot most of the time and what for? A chat at night?” He hung his head and shook it. Alyssa’s heart broke with every bob of his head. “We can’t go on like this, Alyssa. I don’t want to be miserable every minute of the day because I can’t be with you. If there’s no way for us to be together then we should just forget what happened and get on with our lives.”
“But it’s only been a few weeks,” she whined like a desperate child. “Give it a little more time, time to figure out how we can sort this out and make it work.” A tear rolled down her cheek, and stopped on her bottom lip. “Please.”
“Believe me, this is the toughest decision I’ve ever had to make. I tried to find a way for us to be together, just like I promised you I would, but there’s no way to make it work unless one of us ups and leaves. I don’t want you to leave your world, but I can’t leave mine to be part of yours, either—you know I’d never fit in, and my dad needs me here.”
Alyssa shook her head and refused to look at him; if their eyes locked, she knew she would start crying like a silly, heartbroken teenager.
“Alyssa, look at me. Please.”
She shook her head again, and kept staring at the keys of her laptop as if they were interesting works of art.
“Don’t think this is easy for me; I’ve been thinking about it for days, trying to come up with a different solution but there aren’t any. We’re worlds apart, and we’ll never be able to find a way out.”
“So you’re taking the easy way out, huh?” she scoffed, shaking her head in disappointment. She was seething, and she knew she was acting like a spoilt brat now, but she didn’t care. He’d just ripped her heart out of her chest and crushed it with his cowboy boots. She had every divine right to hate him for giving up on them just like that.
“Fine, if that’s what you want, let’s put an end to this thing, whatever it was. There, you’re free. Enjoy your freedom.”
She slammed the laptop shut, putting an end to their conversation, and the walls closed in on her.
How had this happened? Only five minutes ago he was laughing and now she was sobbing with her face buried in her pillow, feeling short of air.
He was right when he said he’d never be able to fit in if he moved to New York, but she’d known from the beginning she would never ask him to; if there was one way to make things work between them, she knew she’d have to be the one to move—and she wouldn’t mind.
Nothing had felt right ever since she came back from her trip. She had no interest in going to expensive restaurants, fancy boutiques or classy parties on the Upper East Side. Her friends had noticed and questioned her, but she’d always given evasive replies and after a while they’d let her be.
Once she was out of their circles, she realized she was totally alone in a city that was starting to grow claustrophobic on her, stuck in a life she didn’t care about living anymore—the only reason she woke up every day was because she knew Sean was thinking of her, just like she was thinking of him.
But now it was all over; he’d put an end to the dream, shattered it with a hammer into a million tiny shards that she’d never be able to put together again.
In a little more than five minutes her life had fallen down a precipice, down into the eternal flames of hell; all she wanted now was to burn to ashes and get rid of the terrible pain that was crushing her chest like a clamp.
***
Sean let out a long, ragged sigh when Alyssa’s face disappeared from the screen. He scrubbed both his hands across his face, pulling his skin until his eyes almost popped out of their sockets. He felt the annoying sting of tears behind his eyelids as he realized what he’d just done. He’d thrown away the most wonderful thing he’d ever had, just because he was scared she’d get tired of this situation and would realize he wasn’t worth the trouble.
She deserved so much more than he could give her; it would be selfish of him to ask her to leave everything behind to move to a town where she’d bore herself to death. He’d been there before, and even though Alyssa was nothing like Bethany, she’d grown up in New York City, so there was no way she’d get used to living in Wind Creek, no matter what she said.
Up until tonight he’d been willing to leave everything and move just to be with Alyssa, because he couldn’t imagine living without her. She was the woman he’d been looking for all his life and now that he’d found her, he wouldn’t let a few thousand miles get in the way.
But once he’d understood he’d never be able to give Alyssa the life she deserved his mood had sunk. He’d always be stuck in his family ranch, unless he was heartless enough to sell it out and uproot his family. He knew he could never do that to his parents; what kind of ungrateful son would that make him?
Telling Alyssa it was over had been the hardest thing he’d ever had to do in his life, but sometimes love just wasn’t enough to make things work and all the obstacles disappear. He knew she was probably in tears right now; she’d always been the one who believed they would get their happy ending, but it was only because she’d grown up used to getting what she wanted.
Her money couldn’t buy a way out of this mess this time, though—nothing could.
He’d seen her in her world—she was in her element there. Although she’d enjoyed her stay in Wind Creek, he was sure she’d get restless after a while. He should’ve resisted the attraction he felt for her. If only he’d kept his feelings well hidden for another forty-eight hours and hadn’t had that smartass idea of taking her to the cabin, she would’ve gone back to New York as if they’d never met.
If he’d never known how well their lips fit and how perfectly their bodies matched, she’d be nothing but a nice memory now. She would’ve gone back to her life, met some wealthy guy who’d be able to give her the life she deserved, that Sean would never be able to give her, and she’d be happy. It was all he wanted for her—to be happy.
He switched off his computer and pulled out his wallet from the drawer of the nightstand. He opened it and took out the picture of him and Alyssa that Tammy had taken i
n Times Square. They looked so happy together, the perfect pair of sweethearts—and he’d thrown it all away.
“I’m sorry, baby. I’m so sorry,” he said, rubbing his thumb over her face, as if he were actually stroking her hair.
A warm tear slid down his cheek and he felt a hole open up in his chest, right where his heart was. He’d never be able to get over her, no matter how many good reasons he could come up with.
He put the picture back into his wallet and dropped it on the nightstand, plopped down on the bed and closed his eyes.
He’d screwed up big time.
Chapter Forty-two
Tammy had noticed something was wrong with Sean; over the last few days he’d been strangely silent, and whenever she’d tried to ask him about Alyssa, he’d always managed to somehow change the subject. It wasn’t until she’d met his eyes when he came out of the bathroom last night that she knew something terrible had happened. His eyes were haunted and had lost their glimmer; his usual five o’clock shadow had reached an unusual length, as if he hadn’t cared to look after it in days. He had dark rings under his eyes and his lips were set in a thin line, their corners turning downward as if he didn’t know how to smile anymore.
Knowing he’d deny anything was wrong, the following night she braced herself for what was probably going to end up in a fight between the siblings, but there was no way she could bear to see her brother looking like that. When he tried to dodge her to let her in, she moved right in front of him and pushed him back inside the bathroom; he almost stumbled and stared at her with raised eyebrows.
“We need to talk,” she said, shutting the door behind her. Sean looked away.
“Move, Tammy.” He pushed her aside but she swatted his hand and he flinched, caught by surprise.
“I said, we need to talk.” Her tone was firmer now, showing him she meant business. “What happened? Does it have to do with Alyssa? Did you two have a fight or something?”
“It’s none of your business, Tammy. Let me get out.”
Hold on to Love Page 27
