I’d heard raised voices and was watching the whanau on one of the ledges high above where I was sitting. They were arguing about something and Strange was hugging Tailgunner fiercely. I didn’t even consider listening in. It wasn’t my business. Why make my life more complicated?
A shadow fell across me. I looked up to see the most complicated of my complications. Morag was holding two beer bottles. It looked surprisingly like a gesture of peace.
‘Only if it doesn’t end up with us screaming at each other,’ I told her.
‘Do you think you’re in any position to dictate terms?’ she asked testily.
‘No, but I can just walk away.’
‘I’ll scatter the pieces of your gun all over the place.’ But she was smiling. I accepted the beer. She sat down next to me. ‘So Mudge came and shouted at me,’ she said conversationally.
I nodded. ‘He’s good at that if he’s on the right aggro mix of chemicals.’
‘He reminded me that it was you who’d been captured, tortured and possessed and that you’d betrayed us because of me. Which was stupid by the way. Sweet but stupid.’
Sweet? Sweet! Fucking sweet! Remain calm.
‘It wouldn’t have made any difference. They were going to possess me and they would have known everything anyway. In fact it probably took them longer to break me. More fun for Rolleston though.’ Which didn’t quite make sense. Rolleston was an evil bastard but it had all been for practical reasons. Now he seemed to like causing pain.
Morag didn’t say anything for a while. We both drank our beer and I rapidly reassembled my SAW. She may have been joking but I didn’t fancy wading though pools of acid water looking for components to what was my last remaining weapon of choice.
‘I get that you didn’t want to abandon me, but here’s the thing. When you were possessed you seemed so honest. You seemed to be able to say all the horrible things that we think deep down but never say. Well maybe Mudge does.’
‘You think I believed anything I said?’ I was appalled that she would think that.
‘Not consciously. But you – it – was right. I’ve been a victim most of my life.’
‘You don’t get a choice when you’re that young.’
This was where you really began to feel an ache in your chest talking to Morag, coolly discussing the atrocity that her life had been. I remembered her telling me she would scar herself before ending up a military whore. I turned to look at her. She wouldn’t face me. Emotion was etched on her face, in eyes that couldn’t cry any more.
‘Look at me,’ I said. She didn’t move. I gently took her chin in my hand. She didn’t flinch away from me. I turned her head to look at me. I could see how much this was costing her. More vulnerability to the guy who’d caused her so much pain already. ‘You’re not a victim, never were; you were just waiting for an opportunity, that’s all. If it hadn’t been this, and I sort of wish it hadn’t, then it would’ve been something else.’
She swallowed and nodded. I prayed that she believed me. She looked away.
‘Which just leaves the Grey Lady,’ she said quietly. It was going to come up sooner or later. I still felt cold when she said it.
‘Morag … I … I’ve got nothing to explain or justify. I thought you were dead.’ I think subconsciously I’d searched for the absolute worst thing I could’ve said in the circumstances and arrived at that.
‘And that made it all right?’ she hissed. Angry, but I was grateful that she wasn’t shouting. ‘Tell me, was my corpse still on the floor?’
‘Look, I didn’t want to—’
‘Did she rape you?’ She was still angry but I’m not sure at whom.
‘What? No!’
‘Then why?’ she demanded.
‘I’ve told you. I’ve got no answers. I don’t expect you to forgive me—’
‘I want an answer. Help me understand why you’d fuck a cold-blooded murderer after you thought I was dead.’
‘I was really and truly fucked up. Nothing mattered. I wanted to be close to someone. Even if it was a lie because I was all alone.’ I think it was the closest thing to an explanation I could find. She looked away from me and hugged her knees to herself. I just stared into my bottle.
‘God, I wish you weren’t here,’ she said, finally looking at me.
‘Well I did try and retire to the Highlands.’
She looked like she was going to slap me. Then she laughed. ‘Cheeky bastard.’ Then serious again: ‘What are we going to do? We just keep tearing at each other.’
‘Pretty extreme circumstances. If we get out of this, it won’t be like this. I prom—’
‘Don’t make promises. You can’t keep them.’ She looked away from me again and I concentrated on my beer and tried not to say anything else stupid.
‘Look, you owe me nothing,’ I finally said. She looked at me again. I think she would have had tears in her eyes if they hadn’t been plastic now. ‘You decide. All I know is I want you so much and for ever, but we have to be able to work together because we’re putting the others at risk now. You decide.’
‘All on me, is it?’ she asked and sniffed. ‘Typical.’
‘That’s not what I mean. I mean what I want is us to be together, but you’re the wronged party so it’s up to you.’
She gazed at me for a while and then stood up.
‘Before you go, you have to stop trying to push everyone so hard,’ I said.
She didn’t look at me but she nodded. ‘I know. Cat’s spoken to me.’
‘What are you doing?’
She turned to look down at me.
‘Think about how much it has cost to get here. Buck, Gibby, Balor, Vicar, Dog Face, countless other people whose names we’ll never know, some of whom we’ve killed. It has to be for something, and we’re so close.’ I heard the resolve, the steel in her voice. I couldn’t tell her that more often than not it didn’t matter, and a lot of people died for very little.
‘I don’t think you realise how much we’ve punched above our weight,’ I told her instead.
‘We still have to make it mean something,’ she said.
I had nothing for her. I think we had raised her expectations too high. She turned to walk away but stopped.
‘Go and see Mudge,’ she said over her shoulder. ‘He’s really hurting.’
Showering. I waited until I knew Merle was showering and nicked his Void Eagle, spare clips and his holster. I also stole all the booze he had.
I found Mudge on his own, humming to himself in one of the caves. It was dark. The only illumination was the glowing cherry of his spliff. I was looking at him in the green of night vision. He was oblivious to me. I suspected that he was listening to music on his internal systems. I’d have to see if he had anything worth copying, maybe more of that Cash guy.
‘Mudge?’ I shouted. There was a moment of shock and then he was reaching for his Sig before he realised it was me.
‘What?’ he demanded suspiciously, looking around the cave as if he’d just discovered it anew.
‘Do you want to talk about your feelings?’
He stared at me, appalled. ‘No, I really don’t.’
‘Thank fuck for that. I found a bottle of brandy.’
He immediately brightened up. ‘Cool. Hey, is that Merle’s?’
I just grinned.
‘I just felt stupid, you know. I fell too far, too fast and for the bad boy, the cool guy that Mum warned me about. What a fucking cliché.’
We were both quite drunk now on Merle’s brandy and some of the moonshine that the Kiwis brewed. Morag was right: Mudge was hurting, but he’d cope.
‘Merle’s not cool; he’s a dick.’
‘He is cool. You’re just jealous because he’s harder than you.’ Who wasn’t? ‘Seriously, are you ever going to win a fight?’
‘I won lots of pit fights. I fought three guys up in the Highlands,’ I protested.
‘Yeah, yeah, you won loads of fights when nobody was around.’
Mudge looked confused. ‘Shooting at you is trying to kill you,’ he pointed out. I nodded sagely. ‘But I don’t really want that kind of relationship, you know,’ he continued. I nodded again. Ideally I didn’t want that kind of relationship either. ‘Are you guys back together?’ he asked.
‘Fucked if I know,’ I said gloomily and helped myself to another swig of the moonshine. I was starting to like the taste of it. Or more likely my taste buds were dead.
‘How are you?’ Mudge finally asked.
I shrugged. ‘Alcohol, denial and drugs will see me through. Concentrate on the job in hand and have nightmares about it for years to come. The usual.’
‘It wasn’t the usual though, was it?’
‘No, no, it really fucking wasn’t. Watching her die, then her being alive again. It’s almost like Rolleston putting two in her head is what I’ve got to look forward to. Like it was a …’
‘Premonition?’ Mudge was looking at me like I was an idiot.
‘I don’t think I could cope with it again.’
‘So walk away. She won’t. She’s hugely overcompensating for something at the moment. She sounds like a fanatic.’
‘She wanted to leave Rannu possessed,’ I said, shaking my head. ‘I don’t get that at all – it doesn’t seem like her. What if I’ve made things worse? Hurt her too much?’
‘Damaged her? That’s your martyr complex kicking in. It’s not all down to you. Other bad things happen.’
I passed the moonshine over to Mudge. He took a long pull on the bottle. ‘Gaaah! This stuff’s horrible,’ he said and then took another long pull.
‘The thing I can’t deal with is what I was saying when I was possessed. I mean, that was me. No doubt about it. I remember saying those things and meaning them. I remember the thoughts. I …’ I trailed off.
I couldn’t explain the possession to myself, couldn’t reconcile it with being me. The thoughts I had had. White had become a deep black. Wanting to do all those horrible things, things that I would have done had I been free.
‘You know that wasn’t you, don’t you?’ Mudge asked, passing the moonshine back.
‘At some level, but my … the reality of the situation, my memories are that it was me. The thoughts I thought … As if everything I’ve done – killing, fighting, hurting, stealing and fucking people over – as if that somehow wasn’t nearly bad enough.’
‘Possessed-you wasn’t that much of a bigger prick than real-you,’ Mudge said, grinning in the dark. I gave him the finger. ‘That’s your problem. You’re not comfortable with who you are. You want to be a nice guy, liked, but we don’t live in that sort of world. Come to terms with who you are; do the best you can but realise that sometimes you have to be a bastard, and if you want to beat the other guy then you’re going to have to be a bigger bastard than him.’
‘That easy, huh?’
‘Nah, those are just words. Seriously, I suggest remaining drunk and stoned until the bad thoughts and memories recede into the distance behind you.’
‘That easy, huh?’
‘Nah, those are just words. Deal in your own way or go under. Same as it ever was.’
‘You’re a huge comfort to me, Mudge. I want you to know that.’
The cave illuminated as Mudge lit another spliff. The flame distorted and exaggerated his features, making him look demonic. The flame disappeared but an afterglow remained.
‘Maybe that’s it. We don’t have anything like the resources and commitment to being a cunt that Rolleston has. How can we win against that?’ I asked.
Mudge shrugged. ‘I’m not sure we have to win. Just fight. Prove that we’re alive, that we were here at this point.’
‘You sound like Balor.’
‘Balor wanted glory; I just want to live my life without slithering around on my belly begging for scraps.’
I nodded at this. It had the sort of drunken logic that sounded brilliant until you woke up in the morning and realised that the world was more complicated than that.
‘So are we finished feeling sorry for ourselves in a dark cave?’ Mudge asked. I nodded. ‘Now that you’re good and drunk you should see if you can get laid.’
It seemed like a good idea for a moment.
‘You going to make up with Merle?’ I asked. Mudge shrugged.
‘You going to let Pagan off the hook?’ he asked.
I shook my head vehemently. ‘No, fuck that. We were supposed to be mates. You’ve no idea what I went through because of that guy!’
‘He thought he was doing the right thing. He realised that there had to be sacrifices. You used to make sacrifices like that all the time.’
‘Bollocks! Every time I tried to come home with everybody. He made a cold, calculating decision to fuck me. He sent me to fucking hell! He’s lucky I don’t kill him. I might do depending on how I’m sleeping when this is over.’
‘Yeah, okay. I don’t have much of a defence for him except he saved our arses in Maw City.’
‘Gentlemen?’
Mudge and I yelled. It may have been more of a scream. The bottle went bouncing, spilling its contents. Both of us were on our feet, sidearms drawn. Salem was standing close to the cave mouth dressed for the cold, pack on his back and holding a walking stick. His arms were spread wide to show he meant no harm.
‘Christ, Salem, are you trying to get shot?’ I demanded.
He frowned at the blasphemy. I was angrier with myself than with him.
‘You shouldn’t be able to do that,’ Mudge said, frowning. He was right. Salem shouldn’t have been able to sneak up on us like that. ‘Drink?’
‘You know I won’t.’
‘Smoke?’ Mudge offered him the spliff he’d just lit.
‘More tempting, but no.’
Mudge nodded and pointed at him with the hand holding the spliff. ‘Oh yeah. You used to smoke this shit and then go out and murder people, didn’t you?’
Salem didn’t answer but he seemed amused.
‘You going?’ I asked.
Salem nodded. ‘Yes, they do not need me at the moment. I believe that they have gone as far as they can. I have just come to say goodbye.’
‘I’m sure we could find things for you to do,’ I told him. Only after I’d said it did I realise how patronising it sounded. Mudge was giving me a look that told me I was being a prat.
‘I will be of more use back in the city. I will teach those who want to fight how to hide from Demiurge, I think. I will also see if I can find a way to help you get information or yourselves off the planet. I have some ideas. I have made provision for contacting Pagan, Cat or Tailgunner if need be.’
‘Why you?’ Mudge asked.
‘Mudge!’ I hissed, but Salem didn’t take offence at Mudge’s abruptness.
‘Because Tailgunner knows me from the neighbourhood. He knew that I’d acted as an exorcist before and I think he understood that I realised Shaitan was real.’
‘You mean Demiurge?’ I asked.
‘Demiurge is an echo, nothing more.’
I stepped forward to shake his hand.
‘Thank you. Really, I don’t have the words. I owe you.’ It sounded inadequate for what this man had done for me.
‘It is the duty of all,’ he said. It could have sounded trite but I knew that he meant it.
‘Even for a sinner like me?’ I asked jokingly.
His face became serious. ‘I have known many men like you, Jakob. God will judge you, nobody else. Not even yourself. He knows what was you and what was not.’
I wondered how much of our conversation he’d heard. Mudge started laughing. I was getting pissed off with his rudeness. I really did owe Salem a lot, maybe everything.
‘Pack it in, Mudge!�
�� I told him.
‘What? Common sense packaged as religious bollocks?’ he said.
Salem was smiling as well. ‘Mr Mudgie does not offend me. God has a plan, even for him.’
This just started Mudge laughing harder. I had to smile. What the fuck had God been thinking of, making Mudge?
‘What I would say is that you do not have the right to judge Pagan—’ Salem started.
‘Bullshit!’ I immediately felt guilty. It reminded me of our conversation when I had been possessed.
Salem held up a hand as a calming gesture. ‘Please hear me out. If he had not sacrificed you then we would be none the wiser. We would have learned nothing. We may be at a standstill at the moment, but we have learned so much from your imprisonment. I know this sounds harsh, but in the big scheme of things he did the right thing.’
‘Maybe, but it was a fundamental betrayal of trust.’
‘Like you would have volunteered,’ Mudge said, grinning.
I glared at him. ‘I accept that it may have meant progress but you can’t expect the sacrifice to be happy about it.’
‘In some cultures it was an honour,’ Mudge said.
‘Fine. You do it next time,’ I told him angrily.
‘I apologise. I have angered you. It was not my intent. I think that Pagan agonised long and hard about it and feels more guilty than you can imagine.’
‘Good.’ I knew I sounded childish. ‘Look, I’m sorry. I just can’t walk away from this.’
‘I do understand,’ Salem said, nodding sadly.
‘Thank you,’ I said again.
Salem bowed and turned to leave.
‘Hold up,’ Mudge said.
Salem stopped and turned. He was smiling. I think he knew what was coming.
‘You have to tell us,’ Mudge said.
‘Mr Mudgie, I think if I answered that question, regardless of what the answer was, I’d become a lot less interesting than people seem to think I am. Besides, we don’t talk to lensheads.’
Salem turned and walked away to the sound of Mudge’s laughter echoing around the cave.
Mudge and I were trying not to stagger so hard it must have been obvious how drunk we were. There were disapproving looks from Cat and Morag as we tried to reach our cots without falling over. I was going to pay for this.
War in Heaven Page 52
