by Landis Lain
My parents got divorced when I was about three. The king and queen lived in different castles, but it was still good. At first, Daddy lived in this little dinky apartment with only one bedroom. He had a pull-out couch for when I came to visit him, but I was a scared little girl and I missed my Daddy. Whenever I got scared of the boogeymen under Daddy’s couch I would run into Daddy’s room and jump in the bed with him. Daddy would smile all sleepy and pull back the covers. He always cuddled me close and then wrapped my Princess Sasha blanket around me and kept his arm around me all night long. We talked about all our possible dreams. And I was safe, like he had me tucked into a little piece of pink and purple flannel heaven. I still have my blanket. I keep it in a pillow case because it’s in tatters, like my life. I read that word in a book once. I couldn’t get my mind around what tatters meant. Now, I know.
“What was it like?” asked Dr. Michelle. “Before the tatters.”
“It was like magic.” She paused. “I was happy. Mama and Daddy were together. I see snippets of them laughing and cuddling, but it’s like looking at old photos of me when I was a baby, you know? I can’t remember much. Daddy and I used to talk about our possible dreams.”
“What’s that?”
“Like if Daddy won the lottery,” said Sasha. “He was going to buy us a big castle to live in where I would be the princess. We would go to Disney World and meet all the princesses. I was going to be in my own movie!”
“That sounds sweet,” said Dr. Michelle. “What happened?”
“They got divorced. It was still good, though. I slept on the couch with Daddy, when I visited.” Sasha slouched in the chair, and bit the skin at the edge of her thumb nail. “Then, Daddy met Althea. She acted nice at first, but she was mean.”
“Tell me about her.”
“When I was nine, my Daddy married Althea and moved
into her house in Grand Rapids. She had a son named Teddy who was older, so he mostly ignored me. I came for the weekend just like always. It was fine at first.” Sasha stopped.
Dr. Michelle prompted. “Then what happened?”
“Althea and Daddy painted pretty purple and white clouds with sparkles on my walls and gave me a canopy bed with white eyelet covers. It was still Princess Sasha fairy land. But at night the clouds on the walls looked like glowing demons and I ran to Daddy and climbed into the bed. He cuddled me like always. Althea, who worked afternoons, came home from work and found me and Daddy all curled up in her king-sized bed.”
“She poked me in the ribs and told me ‘Get up, girl. Go get into your own bed.”
“How did that make you feel?”
“I was still scared of the monsters, but I laid in my bed and listened to them argue about me,” said Sasha. “I could hear them hissing and fussing for a long time. I didn’t catch the whole
conversation, but she called Daddy scandalous. My Daddy told her off, saying she was spouting filth, but later he came and told me that I had to stay in my own bed.”
“Did they explain?”
“I asked Daddy why,” said Sasha. “He told me, some people want to find a problem where there isn’t one. He was sad.
Later, Althea told me that it was inappropriate for my daddy and me to sleep in the same bed. When I asked why, she said because I was a girl and Daddy was a man.”
“So I said, You’re a girl and you sleep in the bed with Daddy.”
“How did Althea respond?” asked Dr. Michelle.
“She said, ‘Watch your mouth, little girl. Don’t you sass
me. He is my husband, and this is my house.’”
“How did that make you feel?”
“I didn’t get that at all,” said Sasha. “I knew it was her house. I tried again.”
Sasha remembered the scene as though it had just happened.
“He was my Daddy before he was your husband.”
Althea had her hands on her hips and her face was mean. “Don’t think I won’t whip your tail, just like I would Teddy’s. I don’t allow no child to sass me in my own home.”
“I started to cry,” said Sasha. “Daddy came in to the room and told her to stop harassing me. They had a big fight. Daddy stormed out so fast I didn’t even get the chance to say goodbye. I used the phone and called Mama. I went home early that weekend. I didn’t go back to visit for a long time. Mama and Daddy had a ‘discussion’ about it.
She used her fingers to make air quotations. “Discussion is the word the two of them used for fighting like hungry lions over the last piece of Wildebeest; me being the Wildebeest.”
“How did that make you feel?”
Sasha shrugged.
“Well?”
“The fight made me sick,” said Sasha.
“And?”
“I hated Althea for taking away my daddy. Wouldn’t you?”
Dr. Michelle nodded. “I’m sorry you felt that way. Please continue.”
“Then there was Teddy.”
“Who is that?”
“Althea’s son.”
“Oh.”
“We caused so much drama,” said Sasha.
“Tell me about it.”
DISLIKED
June 12,
Writing stuff down brings back a lot of memories. When I first came to stay with Daddy and Althea, my stepbrother, Teddy, would hardly talk to me. He went into his room and didn’t come out until it was time for me to go home on Sunday. Or he yanked my hair or stole my dolls. I called Teddy a punk. Daddy heard and told me to be nice, like I started it. I was the princess. Why does a Princess have to be nice?
Dr. Michelle tapped her lips with her pen. “That doesn’t sound like fun.”
“Nope,” said Sasha. “Teddy was rotten. He called me a spoiled little girl and acted like he was jealous of all the attention my Daddy paid me. He was four years older than me and his mama thought he brought the sun up every morning. At least Daddy said that when Teddy did something wrong and didn’t get into trouble about it. One time, he broke Althea’s picture window with a baseball bat. Daddy took off his belt and Althea threatened to kill Daddy if he put his hands on her child. So, Daddy let it go.”
“Why was that a problem?” asked Dr. Michelle.
“Daddy never defended me,” said Sasha, shaking her head. “Althea let Teddy get away with everything. It was so unfair.”
“I didn’t care for Althea after she took my daddy’s cuddle time away from me, but she was mostly okay if you went along with her program. Everything had to be her way. Althea always had some rule about how things were run in her house if I asked a question, and Daddy went right along with Althea’s program. After a while I started calling her the wicked step monster under my breath.
“Ooh, I’m telling,” said Teddy, one day, when I stomped off to my room. He leaned against the door jamb, insolent and smirking.
“Telling what?” I asked. I was mad as fire over something Althea had said or done.
“I heard what you called my mother.” He straightened and walked over to poke me in the ribs with his fist. He was bigger and taller than me and had to lean down to taunt me.
“You better leave me alone, mama’s boy,” I said. I pushed him. He pushed me back.
“Ima’ tell and you gonna get a whooping,” he said and stuck his face right up to mine. He was much taller but skinny. He used his finger to push my forehead, hard. I got a buzzing in my ears and stepped back. He stepped forward, still taunting me. Finally, I hauled off and punched him in the nose as hard as I could. Blood squirted everywhere.
“Now, go tell yo’ mama,” I said, really mean.
He grabbed his nose and ran out of the room, but for some reason he didn’t tell Althea that I hit him on purpose. Daddy laughed at him for letting a little girl get the best of him. Later, Teddy got his revenge.
REPLACED
June 15,
Girl rules should begin with ‘trust no one’. In every fairy tale there is a wicked step mother, who steals dad’s attention. In my story the Wicked
Step-monster had a baby. He stole the rest of my daddy’s affection from me without even trying. It was like foreshadowing the future…
“Then, Trey was born.”
The words came easier, now that Dr. Michelle wasn’t asking about suicide or baby daddies. Therapy was almost like talking to a girlfriend or favorite aunt for an hour every few days, except Sasha didn’t have any girlfriends. No aunts either.
“Who is Trey,” asked the doctor.
“His name is Antonio Robert Anderson after Daddy. He had the colic and screamed all the danged time. Althea and Daddy watched over that baby like he was doing something interesting besides pooping and crying and throwing up like he had the flu.”
“So?”
“You think I was jealous?” Sasha asked.
“Weren’t you?”
Sasha protested, “It wasn’t like that.”
“What was it like?”
“I’m not ready to talk about it.”
Dr. Michelle changed the subject.
“How were things at your mom’s house during that time?” asked Dr. Michelle.
Sasha blinked away the memory.
“My life with Mama was all right, too,” she said. “Too much church, because mama likes to go to church all the time, but stuff was okay until Althea and Daddy had the baby. Mama was so mad about that, I thought she was going to pop like a pus-filled pimple. She said something about Daddy making new babies when he wouldn’t even take care of the one he had already.
“Sounds a little tense.”
Sasha nodded.
“Then Mama met Mr. Redmond at church and they decided to get married,” said Sasha. “I ended up back at Daddy’s because Mama said she needed to get to know her new husband and Daddy could just step up and take some time with his older child since she had done all the work. The only person in the house that I could talk to ended up being Teddy. It was confusing, ya know?”
“Disorienting,” said Dr. Michelle.
Sasha nodded. “It was. Teddy didn’t hate me so much anymore. We both hated Trey for taking away Althea’s and Daddy’s attention, Teddy especially. Althea ruled the house, but Daddy would take you ice skating. Things bumped along okay until Althea had the nerve to tell me that I had to babysit the little brat. I refused.”
“What happened?”
“I should have just said yes.”
HOODWINKED
June 18,
Why do girl toys involve domestic chores and baby dolls? To trick us into thinking that taking care of babies is something fun to do. It’s not. Hit age twelve. BOOM! Time to exchange dolls for real life babies. Whether we want to or not…
“I remember you told me that you slept in the bed with your dad?” said Dr. Michelle.
“Don’t look at me like that!” Sasha protested. “It’s not weird like you think it is!”
“No?” Dr. Michelle raised her eyebrows. “Why don’t you tell me what it was?”
“I told you about my princess Sasha blanket. I still had it. I felt like I still had my daddy sometimes.”
“That must have been nice,” said Dr. Michelle.
“It was.”
“So?”
“Teddy teased me about the blanket, but he was nicer, you know?” asked Sasha. “I could confide in him. We talked a lot because we both hated Trey.”
“Why?”
Sasha sighed and rubbed her palms on her jeans
“Because,” said Sasha. “It was like everything that baby did was brand new and no baby ever did it before.”
“I see,” said Dr. Michelle, nodding like she really did see.
“Things bumped along okay until Althea had the nerve to tell that I had to babysit the little brat. I refused.”
“What did you say?” asked Dr. Michelle.
“I told her, ‘that is not my baby,” Sasha said. “You keep your own spawn.”
Althea was so ticked. “Who are you talking to little girl?”
“I yelled at Althea,” said Sasha. “I said, ‘That’s your dumb baby. You keep it.’”
Sasha laughed.
“Althea started huffing and puffing. She’s short, with huge boobs and belly. Since Trey they all swung in time to her yelling. She fussed so long her face swelled up like the toad we saw in science class and Daddy came into the room, to see what was wrong. He had on a white dress shirt and black pants. He was tying a paisley blue and grey tie that I gave him for his birthday.”
“What’s going on?” asked Daddy.
Althea tattled long and hard.
“Is this true?” Daddy asked.
“You think I’m lying?” asked Althea, so mad she was red in the face and short of breath. Daddy turned on her.
He said, “I’m trying to find out what’s going on, so back off.”
When Daddy spoke in that tone even Althea shut up. I know she wanted to beat my butt, but Daddy said she couldn’t, if he couldn’t whoop Trey.”
Dr. Michelle nodded.
“He asked me what was up,” said Sasha. “I told him that I didn’t want to keep Althea’s baby.”
He told me, “Trey is your little brother. This is our anniversary. Althea and I are going out for just a while. He’ll probably sleep most of the time.”
“So, I asked, ‘Then why can’t Teddy keep him? It’s his little brother, too’,” said Sasha.
“Teddy was going out with his friends,” said Althea, all sweet like she wasn’t looking like Medusa.
“Daddy started pleading with me. He was all, baby-girl, you’re a female. Girls always take better care of babies…”
“He said that?” asked Dr. Michelle.
“I know, right,” said Sasha. “I was so mad.”
“What happened then?”
“I said, ’I’m only twelve. I’m too young to be watching a baby.”
“Then, Daddy said to me, ‘Last week when you wanted to wear lipstick you were almost thirteen, for God’s sake. He mimicked my most recent adolescent snit with deadly accuracy.”
Dr. Michelle laughed.
“So, then he had the nerve to say girls mature faster than boys.”
“How did that make you feel?”
Sasha rubbed her face with her hands and shook her head to clear the remembered frustration.
“I yelled at him, ‘No, we don’t. Boys get to play and I’m child labor! That is stupid! I’m not keeping your dumb baby!”
“Watch your mouth, girl,” he snapped.
Sasha paused took a deep breath and continued.
“Althea started to cry and whine about how she wasn’t going to get to go out for her anniversary. Finally, Daddy yelled for Teddy. He came pounding down the stairs.
“What?” he asked, snarky and rude.
Teddy treated Daddy like a stepfather for real since Trey came.
“You are staying home with your sister to watch Trey
tonight while your mother and I go out for our anniversary,” said Daddy, snarky right back.
“I got plans,” protested Teddy.
“They just changed,” said Daddy. Althea started to protest but Daddy cut her off. “Both of them are staying home with the baby. It’s only fair. And that is it. Go get ready woman, or we are staying home.” Then he stomped off.
“So, what happened?” asked the Doctor.
“They left us there with the dumb baby,” said Sasha. “Duh.”
DUPED
June 19,
Instead of lip gloss and mascara, I should have worn ear plugs or stuck my fingers in my ears. I wouldn’t have heard his lies. People lie. They inhale. Then lie. Lie. LIE. Then lie some more.
After Daddy and Althea left for their date Trey cried for an hour until finally Teddy gave the baby some Nyquil to shut him up and he went right to sleep. We sat around exhausted and still mad at both Daddy and Althea.
“They didn’t have to leave us here with the danged kid.”
Teddy was looking up stuff on his laptop and I was sitting on the couch across from him, looki
ng at him, because there was nothing on cable that I wanted to watch.
“You like what you see?” he asked. I didn’t say anything. “Check this out.”
He beckoned with his hand and I got up and went to sit next to him. He showed pictures of naked couples on the internet.
“Oooooh! Your mama is going to be mad,” I said.
“She doesn’t know,” he scoffed. He was wearing his navy and orange Detroit Tiger’s baseball cap cocked off to the side on his round head. “She doesn’t even check. She put a block on it once, but I figured out the code long time ago.”
“I laughed,” said Sasha. “Anything that got over on Althea was all right with me. We looked at pictures for a while and then Teddy looked over at me.”
“You want to try it?” he asked.
Sasha said, “I was like, eewwwww! You can’t do it with your sister. He told me, ‘You are not my sister. We ain’t kin at all’.”
She looked at Dr. Michelle, shame in her eyes.
“I don’t know what changed,” said Sasha. “It was like all of a sudden I was hypnotized by his beauty or something.”
“Vaseline shiny and muscled, huh?” asked Dr. Michelle.
Sasha nodded. “Don’t know what I was thinking. I didn’t even like him like that.”
“Your mama would kill us,” I said, when we came up for air. I thought about it some more. He kept wheedling.
“You scared, little girl,” he taunted.
“I’m not scared.” She wasn’t backing down from his dare. “But, my daddy might kill you.”
“Not if you don’t tell,” he said. “I ain’t scared. Besides, both of us would get it. You gonna tell, little girl?”
“I ain’t no tattletale, mama’s boy.”
“They won’t know, then,” he said, all cocky. He leaned over and kissed me.
“It took my breath away, but something rose up in me and I pushed him away,” said Sasha.
“But what if I got pregnant?” I asked. We learned about getting pregnant in school. The details were sketchy in health class, though.
“You bleed yet?” he asked.
