by Landis Lain
“Practice makes excellent.”
VALIDATED
June 5,
I didn’t realize how isolated I’ve been until Suleiman insisted I call Gabby. He said that I had punished myself long enough and that I should call her and get it over with. Every time I picked up the phone I chickened out. So, finally Suleiman lost his patience. He told me we were going for a ride and took me and Ricky to her house the first day of summer break and kicked me out of his car. I dragged my feet up to the porch and he drove off. I wanted to run away but I kept going. I felt abandoned. Suleiman told me later that he drove around the corner and waited a few minutes. I knocked on the door…
The door opened. Gabby goggled at Sasha through the storm door in stupefied silence. Sasha stared back at her. She swallowed.
“Hi.” Sasha’s throat was tight. Tears sprang into Gabby’s beautiful eyes.
She screamed. “Oh, my God! Sasha?”
She tore open the door and flung herself into Sasha’s arms so hard they almost fell off the porch. Sasha could feel hope well up out of nowhere. They were both crying so hard they couldn’t speak. Gabby dragged Sasha in to her parents’ house and up to her room without letting Sasha go. Sasha was so incoherent she didn’t know how they got there. Gabby finally released Sasha when they got to her room and just stood looking at her for a long time.
“You’re here!” said Gabby.
“Yeah.”
“I missed you so much.”
“I missed you, too,” said Sasha.
“I thought you hated me,” said Gabby, wiping her eyes with her fingers.
“No,” Sasha said. She lifted the hem of her t-shirt and wiped her face with the hem. “I’m sorry. It was me. I was just going through it and…” She stopped. How did Sasha explain to her best friend that she had hated herself so much that she didn’t have room inside for anything or anybody else? But Gabby was her amazing self. She smiled.
“It’s okay!” said Gabby.
“No,” Sasha said. “It’s not.” Gabby reached out and touched her cheek.
“How are you?”
“Better,” Sasha said. “I’m a lot better.”
“I pray for you every night,” Gabby said. “For so long I’ve prayed.”
“It helped,” Sasha said.
“And here you are,” Gabby said. She flashed her trademark smile. It warmed Sasha up even further.
“I’m so glad.”
Gabby pulled Sasha in for a long hug.
“I read everything I could get my hands on about Rape Trauma Syndrome and I waited for you to come back to me. I hoped,” murmured Gabby.
“I’m sorry, Gabby.”
“Every time I kicked a soccer ball I pretended it was one of their heads.”
Sasha burst into laughter. Leave it to Gabby to put it all out there with no filter.
Gabby changed the subject.
“Tell me what’s been going on in your life, Girl!”
They sat down on Gabby’s bed. Words danced and tumbled between them, as though they had never been apart.
“I can’t believe you got a baby…”
“Will you be his God mother?”
“For real?”
Sasha showed her pictures of Ricky and Gabby sighed over
him and fell in love with his picture.
“You got a boyfriend?” Sasha asked, after they had dissected her life. Gabby rolled her eyes.
“Girl, bye,” Gabby said, waving one long hand. “Between school and soccer, I barely have time to pee!”
They laughed.
“Besides,” Gabby continued soberly, “after what happened to you, I could hardly look at a guy without wanting to throw up. If something happened to you, it could have been me, too. I wasn’t taking any chances.”
Sasha realized something in that moment. She wasn’t the only one hurt by what happened. She had never been alone, even when she didn’t know it.
“I’m sorry I went batty, Gabby,” Sasha said. “I’m sorry-”
“You got nothing to be sorry for,” Gabby snapped. Then she took a deep breath, let it out and started again.
“Those slimy hood roaches hurt my best friend. I wish I had a big enough can of Raid.” Gabby was fierce. “Or maybe a really big shoe so I could smash them. Just promise me…” Sasha could hear the tears in her voice again. Gabby paused and took a deep breath.
“Just promise me, that you won’t abandon me again,” Gabby said, taking Sasha’s hand. “Don’t let them keep us apart ever again.”
I won’t,” Sasha vowed.
“My heart couldn’t take it.”
“ROD pinky promise?” Sasha asked, holding out her little finger.
Gabby nodded. “ROD pinky promise!” They linked fingers and hugged each other close.
The last bit of tightness in her chest in Sasha’s chest, evaporated.
Gabby stepped back.
“You got pictures of your baby?”
She grabbed Sasha’s phone from the bed, scrolled through the photos and stopped on one of Suleiman and Ricky, both grinning the same goofy smile. It was one of Sasha’s favorite pictures.
“And who is this?” asked Gabby.
“That’s Suleiman,” Sasha said.
“He’s hot!” Gabby said, fanning herself with her hand.
Sasha hesitated. “He’s special.”
“Yeah?” Gabby’s grin covered her whole face.
Sasha nodded. “Yeah.”
Gabby hugged her again. “I’m so glad.”
At Gabby’s insistence, Sasha called Suleiman to come back over and bring Ricky.
RESTORED
Happiness is…friends.
Suleiman and Gabby got along like a wild fire in the forest. The friendship just ignited. They acted as though they’d known each other forever. He teased her like big brother. Ricky smiled at Gabby and blew raspberries. I felt like I was finally back on earth after being on a long trip to outer space……
“Any more like you at home?” asked Gabby. She was sitting on the floor watching Suleiman, who was sprawled on his back wrestling with Ricky.
“Nope,” said Suleiman. “I am one of a kind.”
“That’s so disappointing,” said Gabby.
Suleiman laughed. “But, I do have two brothers. Menelik is twenty-two and Selassie is twenty.”
“That’s awesome,” said Gabby, rubbing her hands together and grinning. “That way if I run the first one nuts, I’ll have one in reserve.” They all laughed.
“Oh, wow, Sasha,” said Gabby. “I can’t believe my girl is a mother! I’m in awe. He’s like little bitty people! What?” She clapped her hands. Ricky clapped his hands in response and laughed with her. Abandoning Suleiman, Ricky and Gabby sat on the floor and played. They rolled a red ball back and forth until Ricky finally toddled over and sat in her lap.
“Oh!” Gabby’s eyes were huge. “He’s going to let me hold him!” Ricky stuck his thumb into his mouth and with the confidence of well-loved youth, fell asleep. Gabby, arms suddenly full of boneless slumbering toddler, sat frozen on the floor.
“Relax before you snap your spine,” said Sasha with a grin. “You could set off a bomb next to him and he wouldn’t budge.”
“Girl, I’m not used to this!”
They all laughed again. After a few minutes, Suleiman took the baby from Gabby.
“Is it okay if I watch TV or something?” he asked, cradling the sleeping little boy carefully. “Y ’all got some things to discuss.”
EMERGED
June 8,
For a long time, I just didn’t know who I was. It was like my skin didn’t fit over my bones and I wanted to take it off and get a new skin. A pure skin with no judgments attached. When I figured out I had to stay in my own tainted, unchaste skin I didn’t want to live. Not in that same old nasty skin. I felt dirty and contaminated by boys, when they didn’t give me another thought. The water in the river could wash me clean, except I’d have to die to get clean. I wanted to die. I never have adm
itted that before, not even to myself.
There was a long silence after Sasha finished reading from the pink journal. Sasha sighed and bit her lip. She closed the book and set it down on her lap. Dr. Michelle cleared her throat and then started speaking in a low voice, her voice harsh with unshed tears. Sasha could see them in her eyes.
“There is a story, a true story, that people tell,” said Dr. Michelle. “In May of 1803, a shipload of West Africans, landed in the Georgia Sea Islands. They had survived the Middle Passage, as captors on a slave ship to be auctioned off at one of the local slave markets. During the voyage the Igbo slaves rose up in rebellion, taking control of the ship and drowning their captors, causing the ship to run aground. The people went ashore at a place called Dunbar Creek and under the direction of their chief walked into the water chanting and drowned themselves rather than live as slaves.”
“Because the alternative was so awful?” asked Sasha.
Dr. Michelle nodded.
Tears started in Sasha’s eyes, but she blinked them back. “That’s exactly how I felt.”
“But what a lot of folks don’t know is that some of those people were dragged from the water and survived.”
“Really?”
Dr. Michelle nodded.
“What happened?” asked Sasha.
“Some of those people were fished out of the water, alive and they were still sold as slaves. But they told their story and later, it helped fuel anti-slavery lore. Fifty some years later, the slaves were freed,” said Dr. Michelle.
“So?”
“You aren’t one of the people who drowned,” said Dr. Michelle. “Maybe you stayed behind for a reason.”
Sasha was silent for a long time.
“I can tell my story,” Sasha finally said. “I can live…”
“That is the preferred option,” said Dr. Michelle. “Remember, we strive-”
“To survive.” Sasha finished the sentence.
“Good one.” They said it in unison and laughed.
Sasha sobered.
“I wanted to die,” she said, meeting Dr. Michelle’s eyes. “That day at the waterfall; for just a few minutes I wanted to leave this earth.”
“I know,” said Dr. Michelle. She reached across the space and took Sasha’s hand. “Now you know it, too.”
“You think I should tell my story?” said Sasha.
“I think you left yourself the choice by surviving,” said Dr. Michelle. “It’s your story. You get to tell it if you want to.”
Sasha smiled.
Dr. Michelle reached into her pocket. “I have something for you.”
She pulled out a flat black stone the size of a quarter and held it out to Sasha.
“What’s this?” asked Sasha, taking the stone. It held the warmth of Dr. Michelle’s body.
“It’s called black onyx,” said Dr. Michelle. “In Biblical times it was used as a talisman to defend against negativity and fortify self-confidence. It was believed to help you release negative emotions and end unhappy relationships. It made you invisible to your enemies.”
“Wow,” said Sasha, staring at the shiny black stone. “It does all that?”
“No,” said Dr. Michelle. “It’s a talisman to remind you that the dark is not meant to be scary. It’s just a place to rest until you come out into the light.” She put her hand over the rock in Sasha’s palm.
“I didn’t let go,” said Sasha, squeezing the rock and the warm hand that had been her lifeline for nearly a year. “I never let go of the railing.”
“No,” said Dr. Michelle. “You didn’t. That took enormous amounts of courage. You should be proud of yourself.”
“I can fly out of the dark if I want to,” said Sasha, closing her fist over the stone. “Like a butterfly.”
“Like a super hero,” affirmed Dr. Michelle.
“The onyx butterfly, huh?” Sasha laughed and fluttered her fingers
“Good one!”
“I’m glad,” said Sasha, meeting Dr. Michelle’s eyes. “I’m seriously relieved that I didn’t let go.”
“Me, too.”
DISCOVERED
Truth is like a powerful cell phone.
I use it every day without knowing how it works. How do I talk to someone across the city or the world through this little box? How does the voice waft across the air and reach my ears? I can research it and explain the science, but the connection is still magic. I can’t see it or touch it, but the truth reconnects me to my soul.
“What’s up?” asked Gabby.
“Would you still be willing to go to the police with me?” Sasha asked. She sat on the bed, legs drawn up, arms wrapped around her knees. “I don’t know if it’s too late, but I want to talk to them about what happened.”
“Of course.”
“Thank you.”
“I talked to dad about it,” said Gabby. Sasha gasped. Gabby shook her head. “No, I didn’t tell him it was you. I promised I wouldn’t tell anybody. But it made me so mad, Sash. I couldn’t let it go. I couldn’t sleep. I had an attorney at my fingertips, so I just gave dad the basics and told him I had a report to write for sociology class. He gave me all sorts of great information, like legal cases and precedents. Did you know the statute of limitations on rape is seven years?”
“I didn’t know,” said Sasha, solemnly.
“And date rape is a huge issue.” Gabby went to her closet
and rummaged around for a few moments. She pulled out a box full of papers. She dumped the box on the bed, rifled through the paper work and pulled out a DVD case. She held it out to Sasha.
“What is it?”
“A copy of the video,” said Gabby, grimly.
Sasha eyed it as though it was a snake “Where did you get this?”
“From one of those idiots,” said Gabby. “I think it was the one they call K Smooth. I get them mixed up. He was all bragging about it at a party to some other dude. I pretended I liked him and told him that I left my phone at home and could I use his to call for a ride. And since he only had one brain cell to begin with and he was kind of high, he didn’t know who I was and handed me the phone. I forwarded it to my phone and put it on a disc.
“How did you know who he was?”
“Girl, I told you this stuff made me berserk,” said Gabby. “I stalked those purple fools all over Lansing before I finally got hold to it. I deleted the video off his phone, too. I wiped his whole phone clean and tucked it into his pocket and slid out of the party like I was never there. That fathead never realized because he was stoned on the couch. He was too busy smoking dope or drinking or whatever.”
“You could have gotten killed messing with them!”
“Well, I didn’t,” said Gabby, triumphant. “I had to do something! They hurt you and took away my friend.”
“Promise me you won’t go near them again!”
“I promise I won’t,” said Gabby, shrugging. “Besides, I left for school and they don’t even know me. I’m going back to school at the end of the week, so I’ll be safe. Soccer calls. But, I’m going to the police with you. It’s about time.”
“Will your dad go with us?” asked Sasha. Her stomach felt queasy, but she swallowed her nausea and stiffened her spine.
“Only if you want him to,” said Gabby.
“Yeah,” said Sasha, nodding. “I do.”
REVEALED
June 14 –
Today I come clean with the Judge. I’ll find out who fathered my baby. It won’t matter, because I’m a good mama. If I took my heart out of the devil’s icy fist, I could do this. I’m still scared, though. I have to remember what Dr. Michelle said, “Reputation is important but not essential. Doing the right thing in the dark is hard. But doing it in the light, is so much harder.”
“Are you ready for this?”
Sasha took a deep breath and met Suleiman’s eyes in the mirror. She was putting on mascara for the first time in two years. She nodded.
“As ready as I’ll ever be,” s
he said. “Mama is meeting me at the court house.”
Suleiman nodded. They were in Sasha’s bedroom. Sasha was standing in front of the mirror. Suleiman was lounging on Sasha’s bed, eyeing her with fascination. Ricky was sitting on the floor playing with the LEGO blocks. He was stacking them up and knocking them down, complete with sound effects.
Suleiman’s eyes lingered on her red A-line jacket dress and matching strappy sling back shoes. Gabby had given her the outfit, for luck. Dr. Michelle had presented her with the make-up kit. Looking and feeling pretty, she’d said, was not a sin.
“You look absolutely beautiful,” he said, sounding awed. “All grown up.”
“Thank you,” she replied, glancing at him with a shy smile. She felt beautiful and a bit shaky to be in the first dress that she’d worn in over two years. She tossed her long bushy hair back over one shoulder. It had grown out healthy and abundant since she had kept it locked in a bun or braid. “I’ll be twenty-one on my next birthday, you know?”
“You keep reminding me,” he said, with a grimace. “I got you a gift, don’t worry.”
Sasha picked up her lip gloss from the little table next to the mirror. She took the cap off and applied the sheer gloss to her lips.
“Thank you for taking off work to watch Ricky,” said Sasha. “I don’t thank you enough.”
Suleiman snorted and looked down at the toddler smashing blocks on the floor. As though he realized he was the subject under discussion, Ricky looked up and grinned, tiny teeth gleaming. Suleiman smiled back and squatted to pick him up. Ricky came with confidence, hugged Suleiman and then wriggled to get back down to the blocks. Suleiman put him back on the floor and handed him a red block. Ricky went back to banging them together. Suleiman stood up.
“This is my dude. We got lots of man stuff planned.” His smile faded as he met her eyes.
“I want to go with you,” he said. “What if that fool is there?”
“He might be,” said Sasha. “They all might be. They got notice to show up. And if he is, I will deal with it. Isn’t that why you taught me to defend myself?”
