“Where are they going?” I said.
“London,” said Martha. “There’s a march on.”
Zac stared at the coaches.
“Can we go?” he said.
Martha laughed.
“No, Zac. When you’re older you can do that sort of thing but I can’t take you. Anyway you don’t have to pay the poll tax. Come on.”
She hardly even looked at the coaches. She just walked over to a fruit stall. Zac’s face looked like it was melting. I couldn’t even look at him.
The stall was covered with grapes. There were green grapes on one side and black grapes on the other. The woman serving said, “Very tasty, best this year,” and she let us try them.
Zac said, “They’re all horrible,” and spat his on the ground.
Martha didn’t say anything but I could tell she was annoyed. She smiled at the woman and rolled her eyes like Hortense does. She didn’t know Zac was feeling so bad. Then she bought one bag of green grapes and one bag of black.
After that we walked around. I kept thinking we’d lost Zac and Dash but then we heard Dash bark and when I crouched down I could see Zac looking for her slobbery bone.
Then Martha stopped at a stall selling brushes and paints and chalks. Martha picked up a paintbrush that had all the ends splayed out like a fan, instead of making a point like most do.
“This would be good for you, Ira,” she said. “Give you more freedom.”
What she meant was I wouldn’t be able do little details with it; I’d have to stop being so careful. She says sometimes things look nice by “happy accident”, which means you do something by mistake and it works.
She bought the brush and held it out to me like it was a present. It wasn’t even my birthday. I was so happy.
After that we lost Zac and Dash and when I bent down and looked between everyone’s feet I still couldn’t see them. We called them but Dash didn’t bark so I knew she couldn’t hear us.
Then I saw two of the coaches had gone and I had an awful feeling. I was thinking, “He wouldn’t be such an idiot, he wouldn’t be such an idiot,” but another voice in my head was saying, “Yes, he would.”
I left Martha and ran to the last coach. An old man was waiting to get on. He was wearing a straw hat with NO POLL TAX written on it and he was carrying a bag of apples. He smiled at me.
“I’m afraid your brother got on the other coach,” he said.
I must have looked surprised because then he said, “The little boy who looks just like you. Wasn’t that your brother?”
My heart was flapping like it was a bird trapped in a cage. It was banging its wings on the bars and it was really hurting.
“Did he have a dog?” I said.
“Oh yes.”
The man was happy.
“A little dog called Dash. Is that the one? He got on with his grandma,” he said. “I’m terribly sorry you’ve missed him.”
I tried to smile. I didn’t want to spoil his day. Then I ran back to Martha.
The only way I could talk without crying or losing my voice was to pretend I was a social worker. Social workers are good at giving bad news. They do it all the time.
I made my face like a mask and I said, “Zac got on one of the coaches that’s gone. He’s on his way to London.”
All the blood ran out of Martha’s face. Even her cheeks went white and they’re usually pink. She took a deep breath like she was counting to ten.
Then she said, “What do you mean?”
Her heart was pounding too.
“We saw a woman on the news,” I said. “She was going on the march in Trafalgar Square. Zac thinks she’s our mum. I think he’s gone to find her.”
Martha shook her head like she had a fly whizzing round her ear. But there was no fly.
Then she said, “Surely he wouldn’t do that?”
I nodded. “The man over there saw him get on.”
“And taken Dash?”
I nodded again.
Martha counted to ten again.
Then she said, “Let’s not panic.”
Her voice was trembling like she had a bird inside too but hers was stuck in her throat.
“I should call the police,” she said.
When she said that, I wasn’t a social worker any more. I was a care kid and I was crying.
“Please don’t! We’ll be in so much trouble. Mrs Clanks will never let us come again. Can’t we just go and get him?”
Martha looked shocked. Then she touched my cheek really softly.
“OK,” she said. “We’ll assume the best. If we can get on that coach we’ll go ourselves. He’s probably not far ahead.”
There were lots of seats on the coach. Most people had gone on the first two. The old man with the apples was sitting at the back with some other old people. He waved at me and I waved back. I wondered if he thought Martha was our other grandma and I wondered who the first grandma was, though I expect she was just some old lady. People always try to make sense of things the easy way so they don’t have to worry about what’s going on.
I sat next to the window and Martha sat next to me. I was still holding the paintbrush but I was embarrassed because we weren’t happy any more and Martha wouldn’t have given me a present if she’d known what was going to happen. I pushed it up my sleeve so I wouldn’t have to look at it. Then I leaned on Martha’s shoulder. She smiled but she looked worried.
I suddenly felt really old, like my life would never be simple and I was tired of it already. I didn’t even know what to wish for. Part of me was wishing we’d find Zac quickly before something terrible happened and part of me was thinking that we mustn’t stop him before he finds our mum. And then I wasn’t even sure if I wanted him to find our mum because she hadn’t come to find us so maybe she didn’t want to be found.
I wanted to tell Glenda what was happening but I couldn’t because I had to keep Zac in my head in case I lost him and there wasn’t room for two people who weren’t really there.
The journey took hours. We ate all the grapes except the squashed ones at the bottom of the bags. They made my teeth feel furry. The coach couldn’t go all the way into London because there was so much traffic so the driver stopped early.
“Where are the other coaches?” Martha said as we got off.
“Not sure, honey,” said the driver. “Pandemonium today.”
Pandemonium means chaos. Honey means sweetheart or darling. If Zac had been there he’d have smirked at the driver calling Martha honey, but Zac wasn’t there. He was the little space beside me all the time. Missing.
We had to get two tubes and one bus to get near Trafalgar Square and then we had to walk. There was a big crowd of people going to Trafalgar Square and they were singing and chatting like they were at a carnival or going to a picnic. Some had placards like Silas’s and some had banners with different people holding each end. There was even a baby in a buggy with NO POLL TAX written on the back.
At first it was quite nice but then it got scary because there were so many people. Martha held my hand and I was glad because everyone was taller than me. You could drown in a crowd like that. You could run out of air and fall down dead and no one would notice. Or you could trip up and be trampled to death and the pigeons would find you when everyone had gone and peck through your pockets for food. I hope somebody took the baby out of the buggy and cuddled it.
There were so many people at Trafalgar Square I didn’t recognise anything. It was like if you spill juice in the summer and wasps crawl over everything until you can’t see the juice any more. I couldn’t even see the lions.
Martha put her mouth next to my ear and shouted, “We won’t find them here! We need help.”
The bird in my chest was fluttering so hard it was hurting. I didn’t say a word but I kept calling in my head.
“Zac, where are you? Zac, where are you? Zac! Zac!”
And then I heard his voice in my head. He was calling my name over and over.
“
Ira! Ira! Ira!”
I looked up and saw the top of the National Gallery where Anita took us to see the paintings and Zac set off the alarm and suddenly I just knew where to go.
I pulled Martha’s hand and shouted, “That way!” and we pushed through the crowd. I didn’t even say sorry or excuse me. I just kept pushing. And all the time Zac was calling my name.
I kept pulling Martha until we came to a lane behind the National Gallery where there weren’t so many people. Two women were sitting on the pavement eating sandwiches. When they saw us they smiled and one said, “We’ve walked miles.” Martha smiled back but I didn’t. I just let go of her hand and ran down the lane. I didn’t even check she was behind me. I just kept running and all the time I could hear Zac in my head.
And then I saw him. He was sitting on a step with Dash on his lap.
I shouted, “Zac!”
He looked like a rag doll.
“Zac!”
I ran to his side and knelt beside him and he lifted his head and looked at me for a moment. Then he looked away. His eyes were all glassy as though his tears had made a new skin across them. Dash didn’t move. Not even a twitch. Blood was coming out of her ears.
Martha came up behind me and crouched down too. She was panting. She touched Zac’s cheek like she touched mine at the market.
“It’s all right now,” she said.
Zac didn’t look up.
Then she ran her hand over Dash’s face.
“Is Dash OK?” I whispered.
She shook her head. She was gritting her teeth and the bird in her throat was making her shiver. It took all my strength not to cry. I had to push my feelings right back inside. I kept telling myself, “At least Zac’s OK, at least Zac’s OK.”
Martha wrapped her jacket round Dash and picked her up.
Then she said, “Take Zac’s hand, Ira, and stay close.”
She carried Dash like she was a baby, even though it was too late to help her now. Even though she was dead. Me and Zac followed her back down the lane, all our happiness gone forever.
When we got to the end of the lane everything had changed. It was like someone had thrown a bomb into the crowd. Only the crowd was the bomb and it was exploding everywhere. People were running and shouting and grabbing their children and police in yellow jackets were charging into the crowd on their horses and waving sticks and everyone was angry and upset.
The women who were eating sandwiches had gone. They probably dropped their sandwiches and ran. I expect the pigeons will find them tomorrow. Some people were throwing bottles and bits of wood and if they didn’t get you the policemen might hit you with a stick. A woman was sitting on the kerb with blood running down her face. She was so surprised she couldn’t even cry. She couldn’t work out if she was in a dream or real life. I couldn’t work it out either.
An old man was telling everyone to calm down but he was like a leaf blown about in a storm. Nobody was paying any attention. A little girl who was being carried by her mum tried to reach her hair clasp, which had fallen to the ground. It had a ladybird on it with glittery red wings. I picked it up and gave it to her and she snatched it and turned away. I didn’t mind. I knew she was scared.
But me and Zac and Martha just kept on walking. I wasn’t scared at all because the worst thing that could possibly happen had already happened. Zac had killed Dash. I kept looking at Zac’s eyes and wondering if they would be glassy like that for the rest of his life.
It took a long time to get away from Trafalgar Square but at last we came to a bridge. People were leaning over looking into the Thames or sitting on the pavement staring at the kerb. They looked confused, like they’d gone on a long journey and arrived at the wrong place. We could still hear shouting but it was far away. I looked into the water all shiny and smooth and wished we could disappear into it forever.
After we had been walking for ages Martha stopped a black cab and it took us back to Skilly. Even though one of my dreams was to ride in a black cab it was the saddest journey of my life. Martha put Dash on her lap and covered her with her jacket but her paw poked out the whole way.
It was horrible at Skilly. Silas was already upset about the march and when we arrived everyone felt even sadder. It was like we were all sitting in a great big cloud. Zac ran straight up to our room and got under his duvet. He wouldn’t come out. He wouldn’t eat or speak. He wouldn’t even put his pyjamas on. Silas took Dash away, I don’t know where. I’m trying not to think about it. Hortense made a bed for Martha in Pip’s old room. Afterwards me and Martha ate in the kitchen with Hortense and Silas.
“It wasn’t meant to happen like that,” Silas said. “It wasn’t meant to happen like that.”
He had been right in the middle of the fighting. He was lucky he didn’t get hit. He said he was one of the first ones to get to Trafalgar Square and everyone was singing. And then suddenly it wasn’t all right. He said it was like a storm coming.
“If only I’d known Zac was there, young Ira,” he said.
When I went up to bed Martha gave me a hug. She started to say something but then changed her mind because there’s nothing to say. We couldn’t even really say goodnight because it could never be a good night.
I hoped Zac would be asleep when I came upstairs but he wasn’t. When I pulled back the duvet he looked like a different boy. His face was all screwed up like he’d been beaten up from the inside.
“I just wanted to find Mum,” he said. “That was my New Year’s resolution. I just wanted to see her for one minute because I can’t remember her. I’m sorry.”
I wanted to tell him it’s all right and it doesn’t matter and everything’s fine but I couldn’t because it’s not true. Nothing will ever be fine again. I wanted to be like Matilda and make Dash jump out of wherever Silas put her and come running up the stairs but I couldn’t. I couldn’t do anything.
When I took off my jumper the paintbrush fell out of my sleeve. The bristles aren’t shaped like a fan any more, they’re bent.
I wonder if the little calf’s dead yet.
Martha’s gone. She didn’t even say goodbye. Silas drove her and Dash back to Wellsbury this morning when we were asleep. We’ll never see them again.
Zac’s eyes are still wet and he’s got that horrible choking look only this time I don’t think he’ll ever get out of it. He’ll be stuck there the rest of his life. It’s April Fool’s Day but nobody’s playing tricks.
Hortense gave us pancakes and honey for breakfast but they tasted horrible. Honey only tastes nice if you’re happy. Otherwise it tastes all wrong.
The other kids were nice but they didn’t really say anything. I think Hortense had told them not to ask questions, like when Jimmy came back that time he went missing. Esther sat next to me at breakfast and snuggled up really close. She knew we were sad.
After breakfast Hortense went to church. She said the world is so ungodly she needs to say a prayer. I hope she says a prayer for all the people at the march and for Martha and Dash and the kids at Skilly and for Silas. When she left I waved to her from the door and she gave me a little wink. She looked lovely.
Later Mrs Clanks called me and Zac into her office. I thought this time she’d shout but I think she was too disappointed to be angry.
“Martha was sorry to hurry away,” she said, “but Silas wanted to miss the traffic.”
“Can we ring her to say goodbye?” I said. “And say sorry?”
“She’s going to ring you later,” Mrs Clanks said. “You can make your apologies then.”
Then she said, “What you did yesterday was very wrong and very dangerous. You won’t find your mother by searching the streets. Seven million people live in London.”
Her face was hard when she said that.
“You will have to wait until you are grown up.”
And she smiled her smile that isn’t a smile at all. And that’s why she has that smile. So she can say terrible things.
When Silas got back he said Marth
a told him about me finding Zac.
“How did you know where to find him?” he said.
I tried to explain it was like there was an invisible string leading me to him and I knew that I had to follow it.
“That’s your sixth sense,” he said. “I told you it’d come in useful.”
Normally I would smile but I couldn’t because I was sad all the way through like a stick of rock nobody put any sugar in.
Then Silas said, “Don’t worry, Ira, give things time.”
That’s like saying “time heals”. It’s what grown-ups say because the one thing they can be sure of is time, because they’ve had so much of it. It means after time passes you forget things and then they don’t hurt so much. But I don’t want to forget. There are too many nice things to remember and there might not be any more.
I asked Silas why people were fighting at the march.
He said, “Feelings. Too many different feelings all felt too strong. It’s always feelings that get things out of control. If you took the feelings away there wouldn’t be any fighting, or anything else good neither.”
I don’t want to feel anything ever again.
I felt sick waiting for Martha to phone. I didn’t know what to do. I tried to write in my diary but that made me feel even worse. Then I sat in the kitchen with Hortense and just stared and stared at the phone in the hall and waited for it to ring. I wanted to tell Martha how sorry I am and how I wish and wish everything wasn’t spoilt.
But when she rang I couldn’t say anything. Zac wouldn’t come to the phone so it was just me. My mouth was full and empty all at the same time. A scream was trying to get out but I wouldn’t let it because if it did it might not stop.
At last I said, really quietly so the scream wouldn’t escape, “I’m sorry, Martha.”
And she said, “I know. Me too.”
Then a funny sound came out of me and I was nearly crying but I stopped myself by pretending to be a receptionist, because receptionists don’t cry on the phone. You could never be a receptionist if you cry on the phone.
Little Bits of Sky Page 11
