“What does your gut feeling tell you deep down?”
“It says to break up with her, but then I feel guilty.”
“I understand that you’re guilty and at the same time if you aren’t happy with the relationship and you aren’t getting your needs met then maybe it’s a sign that you should end it. Relationships end. It is a part of life,” he said.
“I know, but it is my first relationship so I guess that makes it difficult and I feel guilty because of the sex, which is made worst because she guilts me for wanting to be more sexual.”
“First relationships are definitely tough to end. It doesn’t sound healthy if she keeps making you feel guilty. Sexual needs are a part of being an adult and because she is sexually repressed doesn’t mean you need to be.”
“That’s true.”
“You’re a virgin and when you’re a virgin you are always thinking about that first time and trying to not be a virgin. You’re a guy also, so you think about sex a lot probably.”
“I do think about it a lot. All the time.”
“That’s normal. You have a high sex drive just like every other 18 year old. How many times a day you masturbate?”
“I can’t believe I’m talking to you about this stuff. I don’t talk about this stuff with anyone. It usually makes me feel uncomfortable,” I said. The urge to hug him became stronger. I held it back though because it made me feel weird.
“Well I’m glad you feel comfortable enough to be yourself with me. It’s important to have someone you can talk openly with. It is also a sign of being mature if you can talk openly about sex,” he said smiling.
“True. It feels great to be. Since we’re being open, I’ll continue with the theme and I hope this doesn’t make you feel uncomfortable or make you think I’m a freak, but I have had a huge urge to hug you this entire time because you have allowed me to be open and you have listened to me,” I said anxiously.
He smiled. “That’s really sweet of you. Thanks for sharing. Then come on over and give me a hug.”
“I feel weird about it though,” I said.
“You feel weird because the thought of doing such a thing is foreign to you. You are being intimate with me so you have the desire to hug me and thank me. Now get over here and hug me,” I said.
“That makes sense,” I said. “Okay. How are we to going to do this on a bed? Should we stand up?” My heart raced. I was excited to hug him and be close to him.
“Lean across me and put your head on my shoulder,” he said patting his shoulder that was on the side that was away from me. “Then wrap your arms around my chest and I’ll wrap my arms around you. Simple as that.”
“Okay… Is this gay? I don’t want to be gay,” I said lowering my head in shame.
The bed shifted as he moved closer to me. I felt his hand touch my chin. He raised my head. Our faces were inches apart. He looked me deeply in the eyes with kindness and compassion. I never had anyone look into my eyes like he was doing. I felt his warm breath on my face. Once again blood rushed to my groin making me feel even more nervous and ashamed. “This is a natural part of being human. You are feeling close to me emotionally right now and you want to be close physically. Stop worrying if you’re gay. Your giving me a fucking hug. This is between me and you and no one else. I’m not judging you. Stop judging yourself and just enjoy the moment,” he said softly, almost a whisper, which made me completely hard. He then moved back to his original position on the other side of the bed.
“Okay,” I said. I still felt ashamed especially because I was fully erect, but I felt a strong connection to him and I wanted to be close to him. I wanted to feel his touch on my body. I wanted to feel his muscular body.
“Do you always feel so uncomfortable hugging guys? If I knew then I wouldn’t have hugged you at the restaurant,” he said.
“No I’m fine hugging people. It’s just the nature of the moment right now and because I feel such a strong urge to hug you which is freaking me out. I’ve never felt such an urge before except for my girlfriend, but that was different. That was for sexual reasons. This is, I don’t know. I just want to be close to you and it’s freaking me out a little,” I said quickly, rushing through my words barely breathing.
“I understand that. We don’t have to do it.”
“Fuck it,” I said. The urge overtook me. I couldn’t hold it back anymore. It was a wave that knocked me over and took control. I moved over on the bed. I leaned across his muscular lean chest. I placed my head on his hard shoulder. I made sure to place my groin on the bed so he couldn’t feel my throbbing erection that I was ashamed about, but I had to hug him. I wrapped my arms around his chest and felt the sides of his back on my hands. He put his arms around me and squeezed me tightly. Our bodies pressed together. I let out a small moan, which I prayed he didn’t hear. It freaked me out a little bit, but it felt so good to be in his arms.
“See it isn’t bad,” he said softly in his deep and soothing voice. “It’s a hug.
“No. No it is,” I said. He released his arms from holding me, which made me sad because I wanted him to continue holding me. I felt so safe in his arms. This then made me feel ashamed because I thought that it was wrong to feel that. I was a bundle of emotions that I did not understand.
I released my arms and moved off of him and back to my original spot on the bed. “Thank you for that,” I said desiring for him to hold me again. I felt so close to him and at the same time I couldn’t share that I wanted him to continue holding me. I wanted to cuddle with him so bad. I yearned to lie on top of him and have my groin against his thigh with my erect penis pressing against him and my legs on either side of one of his leg.
I couldn’t share that. I felt ashamed for longing for those things and I didn’t want him to think I was a freak or gay. Part of me wanted to ask for a ride home so I could get out of the situation. Part of me wanted to run right out of the room in embarrassment. Part of me wanted him to hunger for me as much as I hungered for him in that moment.
Instead of sharing these things and allowing the intimacy to deepen I shut myself off. I pretended as much as I could that I was calm and relaxed and that it was just a hug.
“You’re welcome. How are you feeling?”
“Great,” I lied.
“I’m glad… So do you want to get back to talking or dive into the movie?”
“Yeah. I’m up for talking a little bit more.”
“Cool. So you never answered my question. How much do you masturbate?” he asked.
“Sorry. I got caught up in wanting to hug you,” I said. “I hope that doesn’t sound weird,” I added quickly.
“No it doesn’t. It’s adorable how insecure you are right now,” he said giggling.
“I’m sorry.” He laughed a little more. “I’m sorry for saying sorry.” He shook his head back and forth. “Aww I know I’m ridiculous,” I said smiling. “I masturbate once a day sometimes twice.”
“That’s good. Good healthy sexy drive man.”
“Thanks.” We both laughed at the silliness of thanking someone because they complimented you on your sex drive. “How about you?” I asked after the laughter died down.
“I can have sex multiple times a day. When it comes to masturbation, usually once a day if I haven’t had sex recently. It use to be a tiny bit higher when I was your age,” he said.
“A bit higher when you were my age? What are you like 21 or 22?”
“I’m 27.”
“27? Really?”
“Yeah. My dad made me work for his company as a receptionist until I was 25 and received my trust fund. He said that it would help me build character.”
“Did it?”
“Surprisingly, it did. I met so many wonderful people who are still close friends today. I think when you are rich it is easy to become arrogant or develop a superior attitude by thinking that people below you aren’t as worthy as you. Studies have shown that people who are rich tend to be less empathetic. So I think it help
ed a lot in that department for me. It showed me what it was like to work a normal job rather than just being a fucked up trust fund baby.”
“Wow. You are really mature. You know how to make people feel heard. I bet it helped you develop that skill.”
“It did.”
“I’m sure your girlfriend appreciates how mature you are.”
“She does. She does a lot. I still have many issues just like everyone else.”
“Like what?” I asked. “I just realized I’ve been doing most of the talking. Sorry about that.”
“It’s okay. I prefer it that way. I’d rather not talk about it right now,” he said.
“Oh come on. I shared with you.”
“I don’t want to talk about it,” he said raising his voice a little.
“That’s a bummer.”
“You’ll get over it,” he said laughing.
“Yeah, but I want to know now. I want you to be intimate with me,” I said. I wanted him to trust me. I wanted him to hug me, to feel the urge to crawl onto my chest, so I could hold him tightly. I wanted to help him with some of his issues.
“Patience. You’ll get to know me over time.”
“I want to know now. I’m impatient.”
“The best way to become patient is by practicing,” he said smiling.
“Fine,” I said. “It’s going to bug me a little bit.”
“That’s okay,” he said. “You’ll live. How about we watch the movie now so it can occupy your mind?”
“Alright.”
“He got up and walked to the TV. He had a Roku or one of those things and bought Capote. He then shut off the lights and jumped back on the bed to watch the movie.
I tried to focus as much on the movie as possible. It was difficult. My emotions were all over the place still. I was angry that he didn’t share anything with me. It felt like he didn’t trust me, which hurt also. I still had a hankering to be on top of him and have him hold me tightly. I felt ashamed and confused because of that hankering. I was a mess of emotions. I know, you are probably sick of hearing about my emotions, but that’s how I felt.
The movie ended. I looked at the clock. It was midnight. I felt exhausted and was ready for bed. Travis got up and turned on the light and shut off the television. “Do you mind spending the night? I’m so tired I’m about to fall asleep,” he said chuckling.
“Um. I guess not. Where am I going to sleep?”
“In the bed of course. There is plenty of room.” I bit my lip. “You haven’t shared a bed with a guy before?” he asked.
“No I have.”
“So is there an issue? If so I could probably drive or call a cab for you. I’ll pay for your fare.”
“Nah. It’s fine,” I said.
“Cool.” He shut off the lights and got back onto the bed and crawled under the covers. I crawled under also. I faced away from him and slept on the edge of the bed. I felt really uncomfortable because I wanted to spoon with him so bad. “Goodnight,” he said.
“Goodnight,” I said.
Chapter 4
I freaked out in my mind when I woke up. I was spooning Travis, who was asleep. My chest was up against his muscular back. My morning wood was pressed up against his butt and I had my hand on his own morning wood. I had never felt another man’s penis before.
I quickly rolled away. Oh my god. What was that about? I am gay aren’t I? No, you aren’t. You date a girl. You fell asleep and randomly rolled around and ended up like that. Just a random event. I desired it before falling asleep and then it happened subconsciously. That’s what happened. That’s absurd. Just calm down. It’s fine.
I eventually fell asleep again. I didn’t wake up spooning Travis again. When I awoke he was already awake. I could smell bacon coming from the kitchen. It smelled so good. I got out of bed and walked into the kitchen. “Morning,” I said.
“Aww you’re up. I wanted to make you breakfast in bed.”
“That’s nice of you,” I said.
“Well since you are already up then we can eat out here. How’d you sleep?”
“Fine,” I said fearing that he somehow knew that I had spooned him.
“Awesome. Me too. How are you feeling this morning? Did you decide what you’re going to do with the girlfriend?”
“I’m doing well. Thanks for last night. I really appreciate it,” I said sitting at the dining room table, which was the only furniture in the room.
“You’re welcome.”
“I don’t know what I’m going to do with her. I’m going to take a few days to think about what I’m going to do.”
“That’s smart of you. Let me know how it goes,” he said placing a plate in front of me. He then sat down on the other side of the table with his plate.
“Will do.”
“Are you excited for your secret pledge event tonight?”
“Yeah. What is it?”
“I’m not allowed to tell you.”
“Okay.”
“Wow you’re not begging to know.”
“Nope. I’m being patient. I’ll find out eventually,” I said smiling at him.
“I love it. I’ll tell you though. Promise me you won’t tell anyone including your pledge bros. The brothers will kill me if they find out I told you,” he said.
“I promise.”
“I mean it. I will be pissed if you tell them.”
“I won’t if you promise not to tell anyone about last night. I’m not ashamed about it or anything. I would just feel weird if my pledge bros find out since I don’t know them well. I don’t want them judging me,” I said.
“I promise you I won’t tell anyone about last night and I won’t tell anyone what we talked about,” he said looking at me deeply in the eyes again. My heart fluttered as the urge to be close to returned. I shut it down. I couldn’t have any of that nonsense.
“We go out ourselves a deal then,” I said.
“We do. It’s a hazing type of thing. A little bit of BDSM type thing,” he said laughing.
“BDSM?” I asked.
“That’s right. You’re an innocent virgin,” he said smiling.
“Fuck you.”
“Oh my god,” he said laughing. “I love it. You’re learning.” I smiled at him. “It stands for bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, and sadism and masochism.”
“Oh wow. Why’s it only four letters if there is six words?” I said before sticking some egg whites into my mouth.
“The BD is bondage and discipline, the DS is dominance and submission, and the SM is sadism and masochism.”
“Interesting. So what’s the entail?”
“Well for this event they are basically going to humiliate you and spank you with a whip, not hard though. It’s sort of like BDSM, but all of the people doing it don’t really have experience with it. The whole point of the hazing experience is to break you down in order to build you back up. Brainwash you into loving the fraternity,” he said.
“I don’t know if I’ll like that.”
“Keep an open mind. Just try to enjoy the experience for what it is rather than judging it as something weird. Just live in the moment and enjoy it.”
“I’ll try. Who is leading it?”
“That I won’t tell you. You’ll have to wait and see.”
“Did I tell you to look up at me?” the young woman yelled at me. My pledge bros and I had been on our hands and knees for around twenty minutes. The people who ran it thankfully were not the bros. Instead, it was two sorority girls decked out in leather. The only light from the room came from candles, which made it rather ominous.
“No,” I said.
“I didn’t tell you to talk,” she said. A moment later I moved slightly forward when a whip lashed my ass. “Do you think you’re a pretty boy?”
“No.”
“So you’re ugly?”
“Yes?”
“You don’t know if you’re ugly?” she yelled.
“I…” I didn’t know what
to say.
“You’re an insecure little boy that can’t make up your mind,” she whispered in my ear. “For that you get the whip.” I heard the whip before I felt it. It was the hardest I had been hit so far. I squinted my eyes and a tear fell down my cheek from the pain. I heard her crouch down besides me. “You’re crying. I want you all to know that your pledge brother is crying. Pledges did you know your pledge bro was a big ole baby? Probably not. Since he is such a faggot. He deserves to be whipped for each one of you, which makes 20 whips.”
She got behind me and whipped me, each one harder than the last. I started whimpering and full on crying from the pain. I had never felt such pain before in my life. When she got to the 6th I could feel the whip break the skin. By the 8th, I felt blood coming out. By the 12th, my underwear was soaked.
Through my whimpering I heard the other girl whisper, “What are you doing Jess?”
“What do you mean what am I doing? This is what we are supposed to be doing.”
“You’re whipping him so hard. You’re actually hurting him and making him cry. That’s too much. That’s how you get a lawsuit on your hand.”
“If it was too much then he would say the safe word.”
“You’re such an idiot. We didn’t give them a safe word.”
“Oh fuck.”
“Yeah, oh fuck is right. Get him out of here and make sure he is okay.”
I heard her bend down beside me. “Let’s get you out of here,” she said. She grabbed my arm and helped me up. I tried to keep my crying to a whimper, but I felt like sobbing because of the pain. She took me out of the room. I was blinded momentarily from the light. “I’m really sorry,” she said. I could tell she was sincere in her apology, but that didn’t take away the fact of what she had done. It didn’t take away the fact that blood was running down my butt and now leg because she had whipped me so hard.
A fraternity brother walked over to us. “Ohh fuck,” he said when he saw me crying profusely. “What happened?”
My Fraternity Big Brother Page 2
