Holiday Spice & Everything Nice

by Conn, Claudy

  He was on the couch with his hands clasped and elbows resting on his knees while he stared at her. “Is it?”

  “What? Can turn the lock when you go?” She hated to run out on him like this, but the last thing she wanted was her parents showing up at her door and finding him there. She was almost out of this mess. “I should have been downstairs by now.”

  “You’re leaving?”

  “I have to go.” As she said this his early words came to her. “What did you mean by, this is it?”

  “It doesn’t matter.”

  “Sidney?”

  That was her mother’s voice and she was right outside the door. Shit. “Can we talk about this later?”

  “Sure,” he stood and she panicked.

  “Can you stay here until I get my mom downstairs?”

  He didn’t seem happy about that and she didn’t blame him, but then it was all for nothing because her mom just opened the door and walked in, bumping Sidney aside with the door. “Are you rea—oh!”

  Riker looked like he was going to step forward and introduce himself and that would open a whole huge can of worms, especially since they hadn’t had the opportunity to explore his this is it comment.

  She rushed around the door. “I’m ready.”

  “Great, but who’s this?”

  “I’m—”

  “He’s the guy I called to change that florescent in the bathroom. Remember how I told you it was flickering?” She had a bum light last week and even bought a replacement bulb, but then her dad had suggested she give the old one a tap and when she had, it had suddenly worked. Right now, however, the convenient excuse was a good one.

  “He doesn’t have a shirt on.”

  Sidney stepped between her mother’s line of vision and the vision of Riker standing there scowling. “Well, it is Florida and he’s the condo maintenance guy.”

  Her mother leaned around her and frowned. “What does that have to do with him being half dressed?”

  This. This was the very reason she always strove to tell the truth. She was terrible at lying, but now that she was in deep she may as well drown. “He, ah, was down by the pool and when Dad came to get me and I saw the guy there I called him up? Where are we having lunch again?” She took hold of her mother’s arm and led her out. They were halfway to the stairs when her mother stopped and shook her head.

  “That’s your maintenance man?”

  “Yes.” She pushed her forward.

  “He looks like—”

  “Mom, watch where you’re going, you’re going trip on the stairs.”

  “So stop shoving. Are you just going to let him stay in your condo? Aren’t you going to lock it up?”

  “Oh, no worries. He’s bonded. It’s required by law.”

  Sidney shot a look over her shoulder and that’s when she saw Riker. All tanned and handsome standing in the doorway. His dark wavy hair disheveled and a day’s worth of stubble covering his jaw made him more handsome in a dangerous sort of a way. Of course, it could have been the look in his eyes that lent to this kind of appeal. His gaze drilled into her, the telling glare in his eyes nearly undoing her. There was no doubt he was furious. She couldn’t do anything about it now, but later she’d explain. Once she understood this knee-jerk reaction herself. She mouthed the words, “I’m sorry”, and when he looked away she felt like absolute crap. She wanted so badly to stay with him, but she knew it wasn’t possible. Right now she needed to be two people. The daughter who went to make her parents happy and the woman who stayed to make Riker happy. Too bad she couldn’t be both.

  “He was a handsome guy, wasn’t he?”

  “Sure.” Sidney was half paying attention as she steered her mother down the steps.

  “And you weren’t—?”

  She heard that. “No.”

  “Oh.” She sounded disappointed. Impossible. “Did Dad tell you that he invited Ken to join us?”

  “Yeah.” She sent furtive glances up, willing Riker to turn. Praying that he’d at least look at her one more time. Stopping on the second to last step, she was going to make an excuse to go back up to talk to him. Maybe she could—

  “Come on, ladies. We don’t have all day.”

  Riker heard her father call and wanted to curse the man. He gauged Sid was on the verge of coming back to him. At least that’s the message he tried to convey with every fiber of his being. For her to stay with him and not to go with her parents, but especially with Ken. He should have asked her. He should have questioned her after he ran into her principal yesterday and heard that Ken had picked her up. Not that there was anything wrong with remaining on good terms with one’s ex, but going to lunch with the ex and the parents? A little too familiar, if you asked him.

  “I’m coming,” she called to her dad and then mouthed to him what looked like, “Please understand.”

  Oh yeah, he understood all right and the knowledge burned straight through to the pit of his stomach. He didn’t dare speak. Only nodded and when he did, she was gone.

  He raked a hand through his hair and let out the heavy breath he’d been holding. He should have known right from the start that this was the way it was going to end. It was probably for the best.

  Going back inside, he got as far as the dining room table and stopped when he spied his reflection in the mirror. He didn’t like what he saw as the guy staring back at him was scared shitless. Was that why he let her walk away so easily?

  He reached out and took hold of Sidney’s favorite ornament as he thought about how she’d reacted when her parents showed up. About what she’d said. Maintenance guy. That’s what really galled him and he knew why. Once again, he wasn’t good enough. At least this time he’d been warned. She’d flat out told him that she needed to find a guy that fit into her family and what they wanted for her future.

  And that’s not you.

  He let go of the angel and watched it spin. Noting how her purple and white hair looked as if it were revolving like an old-fashioned barbershop pole.

  Bits and pieces of the evening they had eaten dinner at this table surfaced, and then one thing stuck out in his mind. It was Sidney’s comment about friends, “I imagine if I had a group of girlfriends that’s what they’d look like.” He hadn’t really thought about that statement when she’d said it, but now he did. It was the if that bothered him.

  He eyed each of those crazy angels and frowned. There was a reason Sidney didn’t have any fucked up friends. Her overprotective parents made sure she didn’t. But judging by how quickly she’d thrown him to the curb when they’d shown up, she was okay with their interference.

  I wish I could put the guilt aside and please myself. I really do. Just this once. That’s what I want.

  Well, he’d given her what she’d wanted, hadn’t he? She gotten her dirty weekend and he—It was his own fault for letting down his guard. Getting too close when he knew from the get-go that it was never going to be anything more than that.

  “Fuck.”

  It wasn’t until he left Sidney’s place that he put a call in to Caleb. “Yeah, it’s me. Sabbatical is over. Come by with my truck.”

  Chapter Eleven

  Sitting in the back of the Lincoln, Sidney tried not to let the usual resentment mushroom to life inside her. Especially when she noticed Ken looking out the window like a ten-year-old going to Disney. After spending the weekend with Riker she was given to wonder if Ken had fallen and sustained head injuries when he was backpacking across Belize to “find himself.” She wasn’t a hundred percent positive but she was fairly sure that one was supposed to come back from that kind of trip deeper and more in tune with oneself. Not Ken. Poor guy.

  Poor guy? What about her? She was the one continuously getting stuck with him. Constantly feeling bad, as she didn’t want to hurt his feelings, and finally after agonizing over the inevitable and dealing with letting Ken down easy, her dad butted in. Now she’d have to do it the hard way. Didn’t her dad know she’d never be happy with a guy li
ke him? Didn’t he want better for her? Yeah, didn’t he care about her happiness?

  She sat up straight when the next thought shot through her like white-hot lightening. How could either of her parents know what would make her happy when she wasn’t honest with them or herself? She was too focused in on pleasing them and being who they wanted her to be. With Riker this weekend, she’d been more herself than she’d ever been before. Close, but still not truly authentic because she never told him how good he made her feel outside of sex. How much she’d loved his “different is better” analogy.

  As she thought about all this, her mom’s excited chatter became nothing but background noise. And by the time her dad pulled up to the valet parking she knew one thing. She didn’t need to be two people. She needed to be only one. The one person who had stayed with Riker because that would have made her happy.

  Once they were seated at a beautifully dressed table that overlooked the water, she cleared her throat and wanted so badly to say, “Guys, I think we need to talk” but the words got stuck in her throat and the more time that elapsed, the harder it was to think about broaching the topic. Drinks were served. Appetizers came next and then their meals, not that it mattered to her. She couldn’t eat. All she kept thinking about was Riker. Leaving him the way she had and how she was going to make up for it.

  “Sweetheart, you haven’t touched your fish. Are you okay?”

  It was rare that her dad noticed stuff like this with her. Usually it was her mother who launched the emotional feelers. She looked up and was ready to say, “No, I’m not okay. I just left the best thing to come into my life in a very long time for this awkward and pointless lunch,” when he went on.

  “I hope you’re up to listening because I think Ken has something to say to you.”

  Great. She slowly lowered her fork and turned to look at him.

  “Sidney.” Ken coughed, cleared his throat and took a drink of water. “I know we’ve hit a rough patch—”

  “Please don’t,” she quietly whispered. Interrupting for his benefit as there wasn’t anything he could say that would make her change her mind about the two of them. Judging by his sincere expression, she guessed he had a long speech planned to convince her otherwise.

  “Sid, don’t interrupt.”

  That comment from her father cemented who put Ken up to a possible reunion. Her heart ached for him. She knew better than anyone how hard it was say no to her dad. A man who was so happy with his own relationship he wanted everyone, but especially his daughter, to be happy too.

  “Sidney, I know I’m not the perfect guy for you.” Ken shot her dad a nervous look and at her father’s encouraging nod, he continued. “I know…I know I need to be stronger in certain things and I’m willing to work on this. For you. For us.”

  Sidney shook her head. Ken needed to know that there wasn’t—

  “I’m not upset, either. Even though I asked you not to tell your dad about me crying that one time, I’m not angry that you did.” This got her attention. She narrowed a look at her dad, who wasn’t supposed to ever mention that she’d spilled about that, before she turned back to Ken. Just in time to watch him reach across the table and take her hand in both of his. “I promise I won’t cry again because I know it upsets you. I promise I’ll be stronger when it comes to disciplining my dog too. You’re right about Sir Henry. He’s old enough to be going potty outside. I’m going to get rid of the training pads—”

  “And?” her dad prompted.

  “Oh, right, and I’m going to sign Sir up for doggie day camp so he can learn to be nicer to people, but mostly you.”

  Sidney looked down at Ken’s soft hands over hers and felt like absolute shit. What the hell was she doing here? But more importantly, what the hell was Ken doing groveling at the feet of a woman he didn’t even want? Swearing to be something he wasn’t just to please her.

  Her head shot up and she looked from her mom to her dad and back again. The more Ken continued to make promises to change for her, the clearer it became. Ken had somehow managed to slide into the roll of pleaser, a roll she usually played and right at this moment she was in the role of her parents – the people, or in this case the person, to please. Oh god. How had this happened?

  “No.”

  Ken let go of her and sat back.

  “Sweetheart, hear him out.” Her father threw down his napkin and sat back too. Normally the edge of disapproval in her dad’s voice would have her taking notice, but this time it didn’t have any effect on her. She was too worried about Ken. Yeah, Ken, because this was the first time ever that she felt connected with him on some level. Not a healthy one, but a connection just the same.

  It was her turn to reach forward and take Ken’s hand.

  “Listen, you don’t have to do this.”

  “But I—”

  “Look, this thing between you and me isn’t about your dog and there’s nothing wrong with crying over a sunset. So I may not like it when a guy gets super emotional,” she left it at that, “but there are other women out there who will. Trust me on this. You don’t have to be anybody but who you want to be and neither do I. Don’t change who you are for someone else. Different is good. It’s just your kind of different isn’t for me, and if you’re being truthful, my kind of different isn’t for you either. That doesn’t mean either one of us is doing something wrong. It just means that both of us have to continue searching for the right kind of different. Do you understand what I’m saying?” She waited a beat and then put it all out there. “You don’t really want me. Isn’t that the truth?”

  After a tense few seconds, he finally shook his head.

  “I knew it.” Her mother whispered, and slapped her father’s shoulder. Sidney chose to ignore it. This really didn’t involve her parents. It was about her dealing with a man who was formerly in her life. Letting go of that part of her past in a healthy way, without any corruptions. Well-meant or otherwise.

  “Don’t change for anyone. Not for me and not for my dad. I may not want to be romantically involved with you, but I like you and,” she looked at her father while she continued speaking, “you may not become an official member of our family, but you’ll always be a friend to us, right, Dad?”

  Her father scowled and didn’t say a word.

  “Right?” Sidney repeated. Somewhere in the back of her mind it clicked that this was easier. Facing down her dad this way on Ken’s behalf rather than having to deal with him on her own issues. When that thought materialized she lost some of her steam. What the hell? She should just do it. Face him down once and for all.

  “I don’t want to cause problems.” Ken moved to get up and her dad waved for him to sit back down.

  “Please. Stay.” When her dad shifted to focus in on her, she braced herself. He was intimidating at the best of times. A gale force wind. A tornado and hurricane all wrapped up in one caring package that could crush her feelings with a single look of disapproval. No wonder she was so bent on walking the line. “What’s this all about?”

  She knew what the drill was. Normally she’d deflect and he’d be patient and in the end there wouldn’t be anything real discussed between them. They’d be back to her doing what made him happy. Not what made her happy. She looked at Ken, who was ready to commit to her in order to please them and go through the motions, but going through the motions wasn’t going to cut it for her anymore. Not that Riker was a hundred percent responsible for her decision, as she was already there when he’d entered her life. He’d just given her that added incentive of knowing she was doing the right thing.

  Riker was the right thing.

  “I’m not a square peg,” she whispered.

  “A square? What is she talking about?”

  When her dad looked at her mom, her mom, God love her, took a deep breath as if she were relieved or something and then said, “I think she finally gets it and I want you to listen to her. Listen.”

  Those words gave her the courage to say, “I love you, Dad
, but here’s the thing. I’m not a postcard.”

  “What the ever-loving hell is that supposed to mean?”

  “You’ve always wanted the cheerleader popular girl who marries right out of college for a daughter and I’m never going to be that girl. I’m not. And you can’t force it by setting me up with a great guy like Ken.” She figured she’d give Ken props even though he was her opposite-sex twin in that he wasn’t the football star who married right out of college either. “I know you’re just worried about me. You want me to be happy like you are, but the way I measure happiness is different from the way you do.”

  Her mother threw up her hands as if to say finally and Ken let out a sigh and exclaimed, “Amen.”

  Her dad flagged the waiter down for another drink. “So what are you saying, sweetheart? You’re never going to get married?”

  “I’m saying I don’t know, okay? But if I do, it won’t be the way you and Mom got married. No matter how hard you try to recreate that experience.”

  Her dad wagged a finger at Ken and said, “This is why I didn’t want you going on that trip. It gives young minds time to wander.”

  Sidney channeled some of Riker’s calm as she asked, “Dad? What were you like when you had a young mind?”

  “That’s not relative.”

  “I think it is.”

  Her dad might have remained silent but her mom happily perked up. “We were a mess.”

  “Come on, none of that,” her dad said out of the corner of his mouth and her mom nodded.

  “It’s true.”

  Now this, Sid had to hear. “Go on.”

  “Well for starters, his mother hated me and my father…”

  In the end, Sidney realized the apple didn’t tumble off the proverbial tree for nothing. This was the first real adult conversation she’d ever had with her parents about having to deal with parents. About growing up and letting go. It was nice. And when she left the restaurant she wasn’t sure where she was going with Riker, if anywhere at all, but she was freer now than she’d ever been before. That feeling lasted until she got home.