by Lauren Child
Yikes, thought Ruby. It wasn’t that she didn’t want to see Clancy, it was just she didn’t know what to say to him. She decided to keep quiet — RULE 4: IF IN DOUBT, SAY NOTHING. Would Hitch answer the door? She waited a few moments. No, it seemed he couldn’t hear over his music. There was no way Clancy could know that she was home unless he had staked out the house, and that seemed unlikely.
Eventually she heard something drop through the mail slot and his footsteps as he walked back down the drive and through the wooden gate.
Ruby went downstairs and picked up a carefully folded piece of paper. A snake.
On it Clancy had written in code:
What is going on Rube??? You aren’t even
answering my calls — is that butler guy
holding you hostage?
She went back upstairs, heavy with guilt. Flicked the Play button on her machine and listened to her messages. The first voice was Clancy’s. He was asking her if she was going to stop in at the Donut Diner on her way to basketball: “We could grab some French toast — hey, I’ll even pay.”
There was a message from Del, who wanted to discuss the game: “We need to talk tactics, man. Bugwart’s not gonna slam us again.” One from Red asking if she could borrow Ruby’s violin because she had accidentally sat on hers and it was now “in several pieces” and “beyond fixing” and her mom was going to “most likely kill her,” and another from Clancy. This time it just said, “Rube, it’s Clance, please call.”
Ruby felt a little stab to her gut. She sat there for a while just thinking. She was in an impossible situation — lie to Clancy or break Spectrum rule number one. What kind of choice was that? She became aware that there was noise coming from the kitchen and she took a look through the periscope; Consuela had arrived and was chatting with Hitch as she prepared dinner. All at once Ruby knew what she had to do. She needed to talk to Hitch. He would just have to see her point of view.
She walked into the kitchen and found Hitch drying martini glasses while he chatted with Consuela, who was busy stuffing fourteen large tomatoes with what looked like more tomato. It occurred to Ruby that Consuela was rather overdressed for this task, the stiletto heels and painted fingernails seeming to be more of a hindrance than a help. She was also laughing rather too much, that sort of random giggling that certain girls at Ruby’s school broke into whenever Richie Dare walked past.
“Oh, brother!” muttered Ruby. She took a breath. “Hitch, can I ask you something?”
“I am sure you can and I have no doubt that you will,” he replied.
Consuela giggled, and Ruby glared at her.
“Well, if I could drag you away from the kitchen for five trilliseconds.” She made an eye signal, meaning “not in front of her” and Hitch put down his dishcloth and asked Consuela to excuse him. Consuela adopted a fake pout and giggled again.
“Jeepers!” muttered Ruby.
When they were out of earshot Ruby said, “What am I gonna do about Clancy?”
“What do you mean? What’s Clancy got to do with anything?”
“He has everything to do with everything and now that I’m involved with Spectrum I can’t talk to him about anything!”
“Goes with the territory, kid — you can’t talk to him, you can’t talk to anyone.”
“But . . .”
“Kid, you blab and you’re going to be in the deepest deep water you have ever been dunked in — that clear?”
Ruby nodded. This guy was never going to give in. She felt her spirits sinking as if there was an impossible weight pushing down on her. Lying to Clancy — an impossible task. She was dead meat.
She decided to get some air — take Bug for a walk. She headed off in the opposite direction from Amster Green.
When Ruby got back, her mother was there to greet her.
“Well, hey there, stranger, where have you been?”
Ruby was a little surprised by the question and wasn’t sure what to say — she couldn’t quite discern whether her mother’s tone was serious or playful.
RULE 4: SAY NOTHING. When in a tight spot people often give themselves away by over-talking.
“Um, well, you know,” said Ruby.
“Yes, I do, young lady. I came to pick you up after the game. I was going to take you to get your haircut — remember?”
Ruby did remember now her mother brought it up — how could she have forgotten something which could so easily have blown her cover? RULE 7: NEVER FORGET THE LITTLE THINGS — IT’S THE LITTLE THINGS THAT WILL LEAD PEOPLE TO NOTICE THE BIG THINGS. This was something Ruby had seen time and time again in Crazy Cops. It was one of her most important rules.
“Hey, you’ve ripped your new jacket,” said her mom. “How did that happen?”
Yeah Rube, explain that, why don’t ya.
“Uh, well, let me tell you.” Ruby was thinking fast but, unusually, nothing was coming to mind.
“I guess it was at Mrs. Beesman’s, right?”
“Uh . . . ?”
“I was about to go and call Coach Newhart,” said her mother, “I was worried, but luckily I ran in to Clancy and he tells me you went off to do some volunteer work helping out poor old Mrs. Beesman. Ruby, you never told me about that — so sweet of you, honey! But you ripped your jacket, huh? Well, I’m hardly surprised — state of her yard.”
“Yeah, well, you know,” mumbled Ruby. Her mother was asking her all kinds of questions about Mrs. Beesman but what Ruby was thinking was, Clancy covered for me even though I have been ducking his calls and deliberately avoiding him — he still covered for me. Wow, he’s some friend.
This made her feel bad.
Her mother was still talking about Mrs. Beesman and how proud she was that a daughter of hers was kind enough to go and help a poor old lady out.
“Ruby, you really do make me feel ashamed! I have never done anything to help her.”
This made Ruby feel worse.
She tried to make light of it. “Don’t beat yourself up, Mom, we can’t all be saints.”
But her mother wouldn’t let go. “Be modest if you want, Ruby, but as your mother I am proud of you, you can’t change that.” Then she started kissing her on the cheeks — Ruby decided that perhaps this was Clancy’s idea of revenge after all.
At dinner, Sabina was still bragging about Ruby’s charitable work, this time to her father.
“That’s swell, honey,” said her father.
And later, on the phone she bragged to Mrs. Irshman. “She cleaned up Mrs. Beesman’s yard. . . . Yes, Mrs. Beesman with all the cats.”
Ruby was feeling steadily more and more horrible. She would have to actually go over and clean Mrs. Beesman’s yard now. She was sure to go to hell otherwise. She was really beginning to dislike Clancy. Wow, some friend you are.
As if preventing a bank heist wasn’t enough — now she had to clean some cat lady’s yard.
THE NEXT DAY WAS SUNDAY and Ruby wasn’t expected at Spectrum. She decided that it was about time she saw some of her friends — Clancy in particular. She wasn’t quite sure how she was going to explain her absence from school but she thought maybe she should tell them the truth — well, the truth that was the lie that Hitch had told, about her grandmother being sick. It was just that Ruby wasn’t good at lying to her friends. Mrs. Drisco? No trouble at all. Her parents? Easy. But not her friends — it didn’t feel right.
She just hoped none of them would remember that the grandmother in question had actually long since departed this earth.
It’s just one little lie, thought Ruby.
She got out of bed and walked over to the heap of clothes lying on the floor. She had been so preoccupied the night before that she had completely forgotten about the watch. Now she finally had the chance to take a close look — see just what it could do. However, it seemed her jacket was no longer in the pile. Nor, indeed, was it anywhere in her room.
“Hey, Mom,” called Ruby. “You seen my jacket?”
“I grabbed it while yo
u were sleeping honey — got Hitch to take it to the tailor.”
“I don’t believe it.”
“Ruby, you can’t wear a ripped jacket!” said her mother. “Besides, you have plenty of others.”
“That’s not the point,” muttered Ruby. “People shouldn’t mess with other people’s stuff.” Boy, if she lost that watch she’d be toast.
She slipped a T-shirt that bore the words you better believe it, buster over her head and was just pulling on a pair of jeans when the phone in her bedroom rang. Without considering who it might be, she picked up the receiver.
“Twinford Retirement Center, just sit in a chair while we vacuum around you.”
“Hey, Rube, where you been?” It was Clancy.
Ruby took a deep breath. “Haven’t you heard, my grandmother’s sick and I, you know . . . have been cheering the old lady up.”
“Oh yeah? I’m sorry to hear that. Your mom must be real upset.”
“What makes you think it’s my mom’s mom?”
“Only ’cause I spoke to your other grandmother this morning. She called to speak to my mom about some party she’s planning, and I guess she wouldn’t be planning a party if she was real sick. Planning a party would be the last thing she would be thinking about — don’t you agree?” Clancy said this casually.
“Well, yeah, you’re right, it’s my mom’s mom — poor thing. She’s been pretty sick but I reckon she’ll pull through, she’s a tough old bird.”
“Mm, she must be,” agreed Clancy.
Ruby gabbled on about her grandmother until Clancy finally interrupted.
“Rube, this is me you’re talking to. Clancy Crew, remember? Your best buddy? And I hate to break it to you this way but your grandmother on your mother’s side, she isn’t sick — she’s dead!”
“Aw, now, come on Clance, that ain’t nice. You don’t wanna break bad news like that!”
“Ruby, what is going on? First you tell me all that stuff about the butler who plainly isn’t a butler and then this stuff about phone calls and codes and now, zip, nothing — like you just made it all up.”
“Yeah, well, maybe I did,” said Ruby.
“Yeah? That sounds likely! I can’t believe I was actually worried about you, when all you are doing is lying your head off. And by the way, for your information, you might as well tell me what’s going on ’cause if you don’t — you know I’m gonna find out.”
Ruby thought about this for just a minute and knew it to be true. But what she said was, “Look, I think I can hear my mom calling. I gotta go.”
“You can lie to yourself, Ruby Redfort, but you can’t lie to me,’ said Clancy as he slammed the receiver down.
Yeah, you got that right.
Pulling on her sneakers, she grabbed her jacket and left the house. Bug followed.
“Hey Rube,” said Elliot. “Where’ve you been?”
“Oh, my grandmother . . . she’s sick,” said Ruby.
“Sorry to hear that,” said Elliot. “She gonna be OK?”
“I guess there’s no way of knowing.”
Elliot looked at the ground and kicked an old tennis ball that was lying by the curb, then he looked up and said, “Hey, who’s that guy I keep seeing driving your mom around?”
“Oh, you mean Hitch. He’s our new butler,” replied Ruby.
“Your butler?” spluttered Elliot. “You have a butler?”
“Well, house manager — I call him a butler but he’s a house manager.” Ruby was kicking herself — why did she have to go and say butler?
Elliot obviously thought this was the funniest thing he had ever heard. “Butler!” he repeated. “Butler!” He was laughing so hard that he no longer seemed to be able to hold himself up — his spine seemed like a concertina. Tears were rolling down his face.
Mouse Huxtable came around the corner. “Hey, what’s so funny?”
“Nothing,” scowled Ruby.
Mouse looked at Elliot. “Do ya think his head will fall off?”
“It’s hard to say,” replied Ruby. “It never has before.”
This scene wasn’t unusual. Elliot was prone to terrible giggling fits. At the most inappropriate moment he would break out into uncontrolled, often silent laughter, shoulders shaking, tears streaming down his cheeks. The worst thing about it was that Elliot had a very infectious laugh and it was hard not to get caught up in it once he got going.
But this time, Ruby did not want to see the funny side.
“Give me a break, bozo — funnier things have happened.” But Elliot did not seem to think so.
Ruby felt the corners of her mouth twitch — she didn’t want to give him the satisfaction, so instead she said, “Come on, Mouse, let’s go and get a fruit shake.”
The two girls and the dog left Elliot on the sidewalk and made their way across the road to the fruit bar, Cherry Cup. Ruby liked the fruit shakes here because they had an unlimited choice of both the interesting and the more pedestrian fruit. The owner, Cherry, was a man in his late fifties. Five years ago he had given up his job selling insurance and opened this place. Now he was just happy to be liquidizing fruit, any combination, however unlikely. If anyone ever asked him how he was, he would reply, “Not too shabby,” meaning, pretty darn good.
“So where’ve you been, Rube?” asked Mouse.
“My grandmother has been sick,” said Ruby.
“Really? How bad is she?”
“Tragically bad,” replied Ruby in a hushed voice.
“I’m sorry to hear that,” said Mouse. “What hospital’s she in?”
Ruby looked down at the floor. “Uh, one in New York — I’ve sorta been flying back and forth.”
Another lie, she thought.
Mouse took Ruby’s unease as a signal that she no longer wanted to talk about it, and fell silent. The door opened, and in walked Clancy Crew. He barely even glanced at Ruby.
“Hey, Clance,” said Mouse.
“Hey, Mouse,” said Clancy. Ruby said nothing.
Clancy went over to one of the booths and sat down. He pulled out a comic, appropriately titled Buzz Off, and began to read it intently. Mouse looked first at Ruby then at Clancy and then back to Ruby. “Something you want to tell me?”
“Like what?” Ruby was staring hard at the Cherry Cup menu.
“Like did you guys have a fight or something?”
“Nah,” said Ruby.
“Are you sure? I haven’t seen old Clance like this since that time you stepped on his turtle.”
“Look, Mouse, could you just drop it? I don’t feel like talking about Clancy Crew right now, OK?”
“Whatever you say, Rube,” Mouse said, sighing.
“Listen, Mouse, I got bigger things on my mind than some boy with a bad case of the grouches.”
“Course you do, Rube,” said Mouse, biting her lip.
Ruby felt guilty. She didn’t like to lie to Mouse, and now she was making it worse by snapping at her. “Look, I didn’t mean to bite your head off, it’s just my brain is overloaded and all — what with my grandmother being so sick and my mom all racked with worry so she can’t sleep anymore.”
Another lie.
“That’s OK, Rube — no offense taken. Let me order you a fruit shake.”
“Thanks, Mouse, my old pal — make mine a pineapple quince, two straws. Here.” She held out a five-dollar bill. “They’re on me.”
Mouse ordered the drinks and waited at the bar. She was fiddling with toothpicks, sticking them into the plastic cherries that decorated the bar top. She looked up at Ruby. “Hey, I bet it has to do with his teeth.”
“Huh?” said Ruby.
“Clancy being all grouchy — it must be to do with his teeth. I overheard his mom talking about how one of his molars is infected — how it’s gotta come out. You know what Clancy’s like about the dentist. I’ll bet that’s what’s making him act weird.”
Ruby smiled. “You know what, Mouse, you’re probably right. You usually are.”
Mouse w
as pleased with that. “So you heard about the TV people coming to film the ‘safest safe in the U.S. of A.’?”
Ruby looked blank.
“Twinford City Bank, you know — the gold?”
“Oh yeah, I read about that in the paper — the ‘unstealable gold,’” said Ruby.
When they got up to leave Mouse called out, “See you, Clancy.”
“Yeah, see you, Mouse,” he replied.
It was as if Ruby didn’t even exist.
It was late afternoon by the time Ruby got home, and as she climbed the stairs she could hear the singsong voice of Barbara Bartholomew. She stuck her head around the living-room door; Ruby’s mother was reclining on a new and elegant sofa, Barbara sitting cross-legged on a pile of silk cushions — both were sipping on elaborate cocktails. They were deep in conversation.
“I can’t tell you, Barb, how super great Hitch was this morning. I had quite the lucky escape.”
“Really, no kidding?”
“Well, he drove me into town — I needed to stop off at Glenthorn’s jewelers, they are altering that necklace of mine.”
“The white jade one?” asked Barbara.
“The white jade one,” confirmed Sabina. “I want to wear it at the launch and it needs a better setting — more modern.”
“Oh, that will be nice,” cooed Barbara
“So Hitch stays in the car because there are no free parking meters, as per usual.”
“Oh, Sabina darling, there never are — it’s terrible.”
“Isn’t it? Why the mayor doesn’t do something, I don’t know. Anyway, where was I?”
“Hitch stayed in the car,” said Barbara.
“That’s right — anyway, I am in there a little while, thirty minutes, maybe forty, and Hitch is driving around the block and I come out and I stand there waiting on the street for him to reappear and then you won’t believe what happens.”
“What?” whispered Barbara dramatically.
