by C. L. Stone
I pulled back. “What?”
The edge of his mouth curled up. “I lied to you before.”
My mouth opened in response. Lied?
His hand drifted above my head. I thought he was reaching to pull me into another hug and without thinking, I leaned forward, expectant.
“There was one more thing,” he said, flashing a smile. There was another click as he pressed a button on the wall. Music spilled out around us from unseen speakers.
Mysterious from Yuko Ohigashi.
“I’ll see myself out. Stay. Have fun. Call me. No wait, I’ll call you. I promise,” he said this while rushing to crawl out to my bedroom, opening the door a crack to take a peek out. He turned back to me once, waved and disappeared behind the attic door.
My heart raced. It was the first time I’d been alone in days. The realization settled into me as hard as ice trailing down my spine, and didn’t quite settle.
Yet as the piano music tinkered around me like a music box, my eyes fell again on the faces of Kota, Gabriel, Luke, North, Victor, Silas and Nathan, along with a few of Mr. Blackbourne and Dr. Green in the photographs that surrounded me. The spot beside me was still warm, still smelled like berries and moss. The phone in my bra, over my heart, felt more like a connection. All I had to do was call. They’d promised. I’d promised.
I was never alone.
HOPING AND CHANGING
“Sang Baby, yes, you can,” North urged to me on the phone as I curled up tighter in the bean bag chair. “You’re not going to break it. If you do, I’ll fix it. Touch what you want.”
I’d hardly moved since Victor left a couple of hours ago. I couldn’t stop staring at the photos and when I could finally swallow my heart down from my throat, I called North first to thank him. Only the first thing I’d said was instead of thank you, I admitted I was afraid to touch the things around me.
“I don’t know where to start,” I said.
“You’re in the beanbag chair, aren’t you?” he asked, the hint of teasing in his voice. “You’ve already started.”
That was a good point. I knew I was being stupid but I was being honest. “It’s amazing.”
Pause. “I’m glad you like it.”
“I can’t believe you got them to put stars up,” I said, reaching to flick off the light. The darkness swallowed me up, my senses tingling as the stars started to glow. I recalled the night he came to my window, helping me to escape to join him on the roof as we stared up at the stars together. That, too, felt like a long time ago, even though it’d only been a few weeks. “I can’t believe you told them about...”
“I didn’t tell them why.”
My heart stopped. “What do you mean?”
“I thought we should keep our first date to ourselves.”
I inhaled, catching my breath and nearly jumped to sit up straight. Did he mean it? Was that what it was? A date! I’d been on one and I never knew. “North...”
“I know it wasn’t ideal.”
“It was perfect.” The words slipped from my lips before I had a chance to think of the consequences. I’d meant to be supportive and not let him think I didn’t like it. After I said it, I realized I’d acknowledged it was a date and that I really liked it. The first I was unsure about, the latter... at least I could say I was being honest there.
I’d also flat out lied to Victor. I didn’t know it was a date so maybe it didn’t really count. But if it didn’t count, then wouldn’t that be wrong to admit to North? I pushed the thoughts to the back of my mind. It couldn’t be helped now.
North chuckled on the phone, his deep voice made it seem like the phone rattled in my hand, or perhaps it was my own trembling. “You’re easy to please, but next time maybe we’ll go to the beach instead. I did promise.”
“Are you going to have time?” I asked, deflecting with the hope he wasn’t going to ask me to do it soon. I needed time to think. “I mean with the diner starting and football and school.”
“I think I can spare a few minutes,” he said, his tone inflecting something serious, as intense as I imagined his eyes were.
Did I say the wrong thing? Maybe he thought I was questioning his ability to keep up with it all. “Maybe more than a few minutes?” I asked, trying to be funny.
A longer pause. “I’d come for you now,” he said, causing my heart to race and another deflection tickling my tongue. He continued, “But neither of us slept well last night, and I don’t want you tired at school.”
I swallowed. “I’m sorry.”
“Stop apologizing,” he said. “Your nightmares aren’t your fault.”
“Well they kind of are,” I said, smiling in the dark. “I do dream them.”
He groaned. “Will you shut up and go touch your shit, please?”
“North?”
“What?”
I bit my lip, unsure. “Do you still like me?”
He huffed. “Yes.”
A warmth rippled through me.
“Do you still like me?” he asked.
“Yes.”
“Go play with your stuff. And call me if you have any more nightmares. And when I say call, I don’t mean the next morning. I mean when you have them. And call me about any dream. I don’t care if it’s a nightmare or not.”
“How are either of us going to sleep if I’m calling and waking you up?”
“Sang,” he said, his tone going dark. “If you don’t go touch your things, I’m coming back and I’m going to pilfer through all your pretty stuff and leave dirty fingerprints all over it.”
Now who was deflecting? “Fine.”
When I hung up, I lingered on the chair for only a moment. I wanted to get up to check on my mother. I’d done it a couple of times with the new app on my phone but I didn’t really trust it yet. According to it, she was sleeping. The image was surreal, looking in on her from across the room, from what I thought was from the vent above the short hallway that lead to a couple of closets and a bathroom.
I was also getting a cramp in my back from being curled up, inhaling what I could of Victor’s scent while he was gone. Why was it so addictive? Why did my heart thud so much thinking of the gold chain on my wrist, or the way he looked so happy after I almost-promised to go out on a date with him? What would I say to him next time, knowing North wanted the same thing? How could I tell Kota or any of the others? North wanted to keep the first date a secret, what about the second?
Because of those questions, I’d hesitated calling anyone else. I couldn’t take anyone else asking surprising questions when I hadn’t had time to process everything.
I flicked the light back on and I slipped out of the chair, spilling out onto the carpet in a purposeful fall. I stretched out across the deep blueness, feeling the luxury of the padding and fibers tickling my skin. The carpet was new. The carpet was for me. It was our secret and for that reason, it made it feel too special. Surreal.
I crawled over to the wardrobe, opening it up and gazing in at the clothes. I wondered who organized it. Who folded the underwear into such neat piles? I could only guess that it might have been Gabriel. The underwear matched the hanging shorts and skirts and shirts. As I studied it more, I realized he’d paired up everything for me. He was directing me without being here to tell me.
The top of the wardrobe was carved with the same flower and little hearts as the bookshelf. My fingers traced the leaves and a few of the hearts mixed in.
I crawled over to the door, spilling out onto the mauve carpet. At least that was the same.
I stood up, attracted to the bed and drawing back the cover. I groaned and then lit up with pleasure when underneath were brand new, deep pink cotton sheets. It was almost too strong a color, but I really liked it. With pure wanting, I slipped between them, burying my head in what I was sure was a new pillow, plump and fresh. The bed was firm, a huge difference from my old one. Would anyone really notice? Would my mother?
With that thought, I sighed, pushing myself to slip downstair
s to find her. I checked the app one more time to ensure she wasn’t walking around before I got up, skidded to the door and opened it to the hallway.
The hallway was empty, as I’d expected from the camera app. Still, I tiptoed down the back stairs, slipping around the living room and through the kitchen to approach my parents’ hallway as quietly as possible.
Inside her bedroom, she rested in her bed, where I last saw her. She was sweating again. I wondered if she ate. I forgot to ask Nathan but I assumed he’d say something if she hadn’t. I wondered about calling Dr. Green to see if I should do something for her but I wasn’t sure what else to do.
On my toes, I drew into the room. I gazed up and to my right, where there was the short hallway. The hallway contained three doors, one on the left and one on the right were matching walk-in closets and the back door was a bathroom. I’d only seen the inside once, the day we moved in. The door was open now. The hunter green carpet was a contrast to the beige of their bedroom carpet. The shower tub had a hunter green curtain hanging from it. The same ivy plant border wallpaper that was in the main bedroom was in the bathroom as well, blending the styles.
This room was different to me, too, somehow. Was it a lingering scent of the boys in the room? Was it that I knew there was a camera and at some point the boys might turn it on at any time? Were they watching now? Victor had promised they wouldn’t unless absolutely necessary, but I’d used it a couple of times already in the few hours I’d been home. How easy would it be for them to blink it on? Would I ever know for sure?
Is this what they lived with every day? Was this what it meant to be part of the Academy?
My mother stirred behind me. Years of habit kicked in. I slipped back out into the main hallway, avoiding confrontation.
It felt like eons since I’d last seen her. Something struck me, though. My father was gone. Marie wasn’t there right now. She’d been alone. While she was watched over, she didn’t know it. I didn’t understand why she did it to herself. When there were people out there like Kota and others who could care for someone else, why would someone choose to be alone? Was she happy? Despite her illness, did she like that her world consisted of doctors, two daughters she barely said a word to and a husband who was never home?
I didn’t think she could be. Yet every time I talked to her, she reprimanded, demanded and punished. I thought of Marie. Did Marie worry? Did she know how bad our mother’s illness was? Maybe she didn’t, or she would check in more often. Maybe she should know.
Maybe the guys could help. Maybe if I asked, they could figure out why my mother avoided people and could figure out a way to help her. Didn’t Kota promise to try the first day we ever met? Yes. He did. Maybe they weren’t just protecting me. Maybe they would help. Or maybe they would do more if I asked, like Victor said. And they didn’t have to do anything, really. If they could tell me what to do, I’d do it.
Maybe my mother could relax and learn to like other people. If that were true, we wouldn’t have to sneak around. Maybe we could be normal, or at least normal enough that she could be happy. Maybe she could get better.
Get family in order. That’s what Kota said. I vowed to myself that the next chance I got to talk with them seriously, I’d try to bring that up. Maybe if they had the time, they could help me figure out what to do. Maybe then, when I was in order, I could become part of their family, too, and I would feel it as much as they did with each other. The very idea excited me to no end. I wanted to get started now.
I padded to the kitchen to make my mother some soup.
SLEEPLESS
That evening, I was awake at eleven, staring at the ceiling in the dark from between the sheets of my new bed. I wore new red shorts and a white tank top from Victoria's Secret. I’d thanked everyone by text and phone calls. I even sent a text to Victor, thanking him again. He never replied but I assumed he was still doing Academy business.
As I stared off into the dark, I knew Marie was home. She snuck in around nine and went straight to her room. I followed her using the app on my phone. She was in bed now, clothes laid out on the chair nearby for school the next day. Spying was becoming a creepy habit.
I tossed. I turned. I enjoyed the comfort of the new bed. I was far too excited, overwhelmed and strangely, I was also lonely. I’d had other people next to me all week and now, my first night to give me some peace and to eliminate the risk, I was missing them all.
I sat up, attracted to the window. I sat on my old trunk to gaze out into the evening. Kota’s car wasn’t back in its place. Was he working late? Was Victor with him?
I turned back to the bed, ready to give it another go and forget trying to call or bother anyone, when I realized this might be exactly what the others meant when they said to talk to them if I needed anything. Didn’t Silas command me to call when I was lonely? Hadn’t North, Kota and the others constantly nagged me to call for anything? Only I didn’t want to call anyone over. It was late. They were probably all sleeping. Except for Kota, who was gone and working.
I sighed, coming up with an idea but unsure if I should do so. Without giving it another thought, with the fear I would slip back into bed and forget the whole thing, I opened my bedroom door, stepping barefoot into the hallway.
I skulked my way through Nathan’s yard. I had never met his father and I wasn’t quite sure that I wanted to get caught in his yard just in case he did happen to be home. My heart thundered through me, until I was shaking on my toes.
The air held a crispness as a wind picked up from the ocean nearby, sweeping my hair into my eyes. I breathed in the salt, remembering Silas’s cologne. Part of me wanted to stand there and soak in the night. Maybe I should have talked to North. Would he have taken me to the beach? Did I want him to?
I found Nathan’s window and I tapped at it lightly with a finger. He’d surprised me at my window before. I thought it was fair I got the chance to do so to him. Besides, I was worried if I’d called to ask, he’d tell me not to risk it. The truth was, I didn’t want to sleep in my room tonight. I wasn’t so sure why. Maybe I wasn’t used to the cameras. Maybe I was too excited by all the new things. All I knew was, I wasn’t going to sleep there. Not tonight.
Silence. I tapped with my fingernail again, peeking in from between the slats of the blinds.
The light from his closet was on and a figure stirred in his bed. The maroon covers were pulled away. Nathan appeared, a hand pushed to his face, rubbing. I was glad he was home. I’d been half worried he’d gotten called into work, too, and I made the trip for nothing.
When I tapped again, he glanced over, sitting up and covered himself at the hips with the blanket. He carried the blanket with him, crossing the floor. He yanked the string to raise the blinds. His bare chest and stomach were exposed. I found myself doing a double take, staring in awe at the definition. He blinked out at me and with one hand he unlocked the window and started to slide it open.
“What are you doing here?” he said, his voice gruff with sleep.
“I can’t sleep,” I said, trying to avoid looking at his hips. Was he in his underwear?
He huffed, grinning and shaking his head at me. He thrust the window all the way open. He released it and held out his hand, palm open and waiting. I grabbed it, and he helped me get over the high wall and in through the opening. I landed on the carpet.
He clutched the blanket, shifting it higher on his waist. “Turn around,” he said. “Face the window.”
I did, and closed the window for him and locked it back. Through the reflection against the pane of glass, I watched as he moved toward the closet. With his back to me, he released the blanket, letting it feather to the floor.
My heart stopped dead and I lost the breath I’d been holding.
His bare, fit butt matched the rest of him in exquisite, reflected detail.
I blushed, turning my eyes away to focus instead on the shadows outside. I was embarrassed to have peeked, but I knew the image would be ingrained into my mind forever.
Another secret.
Did he sleep naked when he was home by himself?
He shuffled behind me. I stared hard into the blinds to avoid tempting myself to watch. “Okay,” he said eventually.
I turned around as he was fluffing the blanket back over the bed. He’d slipped on a pair of dark boxers. His smile was outlined on his face from the light of the closet behind him. “Oh yeah,” he said. “Come see.”
I tiptoed around the bed, glancing around his room at the karate posters and at his dresser. The stereo on top was playing some rock music from a band I didn’t recognize.
He pointed to his closet. I stepped inside, noting how it had been emptied of the collection of used work out equipment and boxes. Now his clothes were organized, the bars for hanging clothes stretched out on the left and right. I recognized a small collection near the back on the left, with skirts and blouses, in shades of pink and other girl colors. Some underwear and bras were folded neatly on a shelf above them.
I reddened, feeling awkward. It was a strange feeling, like the clothes were for me to wear, but belonged to Victor, with Gabriel commanding them, and Nathan guarding them. They didn’t really feel like mine at all. In a way it relieved some of the guilt I felt about the cost. “Thank you,” I whispered, unsure of what else to say.
“Never thought my first roommate would be a girl,” he said. He flicked off the light from the closet and through the dark, he shuffled toward the bed, sitting down on the edge. He patted the spot next to him. “Come on.”
I crawled onto his bed, moving over to the side closer to the window. I rested on my side on top of his blanket, propping my head up on my arm. “I’m sorry,” I said. “I didn’t mean to wake you up.”
“Don’t worry about it,” he said. He stretched out next to me, his head propped up, too. I couldn’t see the blue in his eyes but I imagined the serious expression as he spoke. “Why can’t you sleep?”
