He stared at her for a moment, and even in his wolf form, he was totally the man she knew. “I’m not sure it was ever an option,” he said finally. “I’ve always had to just be strong.”
“I see.” Tasha thought of him with his brother, protecting him when they were abused.
Lock hadn’t been able to be afraid, even when he was little and had every reason to be, because he had to put up a strong front to protect those he loved.
Her heart was pounding as she realized she wanted to be a safe place for him. Someone who cared.
Listening deep inside her, especially as her wolf, she realized she already did. Her connection to him felt electric and unbreakable, as though they were linked by an invisible thread.
Though people told her to be wary of him, she didn’t think she needed to be.
Lock had spent a lifetime with everyone being wary of him. No one had taken the time to take his hand in the dark.
It was no wonder he was so cold, so closed off, so glib. It was the only option for someone who’d been shut off from kindness until they no longer believed in it at all.
As he glanced up at her, amber eyes watching her tentatively, she felt emotion well up inside.
“I love you,” she said softly, unable to stop the words, unable to plan for them coming out. She wasn’t sure what kind of love it was, but she knew she felt it deep inside her in a way that meant she would never leave him.
Lock’s eyes shuttered, and he turned away. “You can’t know that.”
She took a step forward, nuzzling in again. “I do. I’m not sure what it means, but—”
He let out a huff. “You might want me. You might even care about me. But you don’t love me.” He shook rain off his pelt and took a few steps back from her, lowering his head. “No one does.”
Then he bolted off into the forest, and when she made a move to follow him, she stopped. Before he’d even put physical distance between them, she could sense the mental distance that had been created at his words.
A part of her was afraid to give chase after what he’d just said.
It was never how she’d expected someone to react to someone loving them. He’d been chasing her from the moment they met.
When they had sex…
But that was just it. Were they having sex or making love? He’d been gentle and careful and given her mind-blowing joy, but he’d said nothing about love.
Even when he’d first wanted to mate her, it had been more of a business arrangement.
As she planted her butt in the mulch beneath her, enjoying the rain dripping beneath the trees, she felt no sense of worry that he’d left her.
For one, she was a wolf and felt able to take on anyone. For two, she could scent all of her friends around her with her wolf nose.
Thor and Lacey baking something, based on the smell of things.
Baby’s hair, which smelled awesome.
And burnt vanilla getting fainter as it moved up into the mountains yet still present at all times.
Lock had been in charge of everything so far.
But right now, she needed to make her own decision. And though she felt a sense of trepidation about following him when he’d decided to run, she decided she just couldn’t leave him alone.
That would just prove him right.
Lock paced at the top of the mountain where a small valley of grass lay amid wildflowers and he could still scent everything below.
As long as he could smell Tasha, he wouldn’t freak out even worse.
He wasn’t sure why her words had set off something inside him.
He curled up in a ball and let the wind blow over him, bringing lashing rain that was more intense higher up on the mountain.
I love you.
The words echoed on the wind, and Lock scowled at them.
Love was a silly thing.
It clouded judgment, caused pain on all sides, and seemed to only make people act stupid.
Tasha was just overwhelmed by her wolf. When she calmed down and got back in human form, she would see that he was right.
And he would just try to forget that she’d ever brought up the topic of love at all.
It wasn’t necessary for mating.
In fact, he’d watched friends and family do incredibly stupid things in the name of love. Things like battling impossible odds, upending entire systems, and risking their lives in dangerous fights.
It only turned out right once in a while and didn’t really seem to be worth all the trouble.
Logic was much better.
Lock could keep his head cool, keep Tasha safe. Surely, that should be worth more than a few flowery words.
Except Lock knew Tasha deserved everything. When he was in wolf form with her, his desire for her was even stronger.
She made something deep in him ache for who he might have been before everything had gone wrong. Before the compassion had been beaten out of him. Before he’d learned to wear a fake smile because he had no more tears.
Now the idea of being loved was too foreign to comprehend.
He knew he could feel it sometimes, like for his brother—if love was simply a willingness to lay down his life for someone else.
But the kind of love Tasha spoke of, a romantic love, meant really knowing someone right down to their soul, and Lock didn’t want that.
If Tasha truly saw who he was behind all the walls and masks he’d erected, she’d leave him.
And if she did, he couldn’t stand it. More than anyone else, he didn’t want her to leave. The thought made him curl up tighter on the ground as he considered what he should do.
If he just stayed up here long enough, he might just calm down so he could explain his outburst to Tasha.
He still wanted to mate her, but he didn’t want to hear about love.
Lock was trying to push back memories when he heard the crunch of footsteps nearby and instantly raised his head.
When a white wolf, shimmering with rain, entered the clearing, he caught his breath, heart pounding inside him.
He could do nothing but watch as Tasha approached, gathering his breath to defend himself.
But instead, she simply curled up to lie next to him, sharing his warmth. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you,” she said in a quiet voice.
Lock froze for a moment, then couldn’t help relaxing, body and mind, as her warmth calmed his whole soul. “You didn’t upset me.” He lied. “I just don’t like talking about it.”
She nodded and simply rested against him until his body stopped shivering from the rain. She didn’t bother him, didn’t ask any more questions of him.
She just silently waited, making sure he was okay.
Perhaps it was the first time someone had come after him without trying to call him out.
No one had wanted to help him before, especially when he was rude.
“It’s so beautiful up here,” she said softly. “I can see why Thor made it his home.”
Lock grimaced, setting his head on his paws again, wishing he didn’t have so many images about what this place really meant. “I wish I never had to see it again.”
“But your brother—”
“He’s happy. Without me,” Lock muttered. “He deserves a good life.”
“You do too,” she said quietly, a firm conviction in her voice. “I know you think you’re awful and you do your best to get others to affirm that, but I’m sorry, I just don’t think so.” She lifted her head to rest it on his neck, blocking some of the rain. “So even though it bothers you, I want you to know I think you’re awesome.”
His throat felt so dry it could crack. “Why?”
She was still as she considered it. “I just do.”
He lost the ability to speak as he lay there, pinned by her warmth and unable to escape her words.
It was so foreign, having someone accept him without giving any reasons. As if he deserved kindness somehow just by being who he was.
The thought had never occurre
d to him.
So he just let her rest there with him as minutes passed and the sun began to peek through the clouds, making the rain feel warm.
She didn’t say anything else, and she didn’t have to. He could feel everything she’d said just in the way she stayed by his side, expecting nothing from him.
She didn’t run even when her love was rejected.
She didn’t push him for anything he couldn’t give.
She just stayed there so he wasn’t alone in the midst of the turmoil inside him.
Perhaps, if that’s what love was, one day he might be able to reconsider the word.
But not yet.
“We should head back,” he said, rising roughly. “They’ll be worried about us.”
“Okay,” she said, getting to her feet and shaking herself. She was already looking fully adjusted to her wolf form as if she’d never been anything else.
Lock started down the mountain in front of her, then turned back to give her a look. “Tasha?”
“Yes?” She came to a stop beside him.
“About what I said before… It’s just that—”
“You don’t need to explain,” she said. “If it’s hard, then we won’t talk about it. Not until you’re ready.”
“And if I’m never ready?”
She blinked at him, beautiful, silvery-blue eyes so kind he couldn’t think straight. “Then that’s just who you are, and I accept that. We’re friends, Lock. For now, that’s what matters.”
He nodded, both satisfied and frustrated by her answer. Friends felt safer. But she might not choose to mate him if he couldn’t give her everything, and the thought scared him.
Then again, she might not choose him even if he could give her everything, and that thought was so much worse.
“Let’s get back down there,” Tasha said. “I want to hold the baby.”
Oh God, that gave him ideas. Lock tried not to let them into his head as he followed Tasha back down the mountain.
What would that be like? A home somewhere with Tasha. A few cubs alongside. Like he was normal, like nothing had ever happened…
Like he wasn’t too fucked up for that beautiful ending.
As if.
Chapter 14
Dinner was pleasant, if a little awkward.
After Lock and Tasha had shifted back and changed into the clothes Lacey had left in a bag for them by the Volvo, they’d gone inside for quick, separate showers.
Things were still a little odd between them by the time they joined Lacey and Thor to eat.
Tasha was now trying to keep her mind off everything by playing with baby Lachlan, but it only served to remind her of what she might never have with Lock.
She sighed, telling herself to be patient, but things had been easier in her wolf form.
There was so much less human anxiety, and it made it easier for everything to be clear. Like she could finally think straight.
Now that she was human again, it was hard to stay calm.
When Lock had said he wanted to mate her, she’d always assumed love would be a foregone conclusion for two people choosing to spend the rest of their lives together.
Now she realized she had been wrong. Not everyone chose their partner that way.
“You two are being suspiciously quiet,” Thor said from his seat at the head of the table where he and Lock were enjoying an after-dinner drink.
“Who?” Tasha asked innocently. “Me and Lacey?” She and her cousin were currently taking turns with Lachlan’s toy.
“You and Lock,” Thor said, unamused. “It’s not like my brother to just sit there. What did you do to him on that mountain?”
Lock choked on the wine he’d been drinking, letting out a cough as he set down his glass. “Damn, Thor. We’re just tired. We’ve been traveling.”
Tasha didn’t want to say anything further, so she just nodded. “Yeah. Traveling.”
But then she heard Thor’s thundering footsteps, and he came to crouch right in front of her.
“Maybe we should talk,” he said insistently.
Lacey looked up at him. “Do you want me there?”
“No. It’ll just be a minute,” he said quietly, jerking a look at Lock, who was quickly downing a glass of wine right before pouring another one.
Lock seemed set on getting himself drunk as a way out of the situation.
Lacey frowned. “Well, I trust the both of you. Just know I’m usually too jealous, and this is an exception.”
Thor nodded, placing a hand on his mate’s shoulder as he leaned in for a kiss. The motion between them was so tender Tasha averted her eyes, feeling like it was wrong to watch it.
Would she ever have something like that? Maybe not, if she chose to mate Lock.
“Love you,” Thor said, pulling back from her. “I’ll be right back.”
Lacey nodded, still flushed from the kiss. “I’ll keep an eye on Lachlan.” She glanced at the table. “Both of them, I guess.”
Thor smiled widely. “Thanks.”
Then he stood and held out a hand to help Tasha up, which she quickly released when she was standing.
Lock stood, making the table rattle, when he realized Thor and Tasha were leaving the room. “Hold on a second—”
“We’ll be right back,” Thor said. “I just want to show her some stuff.”
“You show her anything dirty and I’ll kill you.” Lock snarled, making Thor chuckle.
“I’m happily mated, you nitwit,” he shot back. “Now get yourself together for when I bring her back.”
When they were in a large office, Thor shut the door behind them. He walked to a large oak desk and gestured for her to take the chair in front of it.
She did, sinking into the cushions, still feeling a bit odd after her wolf transformation. Like her body had stretched a bit in some ways.
“So,” he said. “What happened up there with my brother? I haven’t seen him like that in a long time.”
“What do you mean?”
Thor’s eyes darkened, and he glanced at the window, which was shuttered. “Drinking. Not talking unless he has to. Shut off.”
Tasha shrugged. “I don’t know what he’s upset about.” She wasn’t going to betray Lock’s confidence. If he didn’t want to talk about what happened, she wouldn’t either.
“I just…” Thor tapped heavy fingers on the desk in front of him. “I thought there were some things you should know.”
“Lacey already tried to talk to me,” she said. “I know Lock has a history. I know he’s done some things—”
Thor stood, going over to the window. “Lacey and my brother have never really gotten along. Not surprising, as he saw her at first as part of the people who killed our parents, and Lock really suffered as a result of us being orphans.”
“I know about that too,” Tasha said.
Thor turned to her with piercing eyes. “Just what did he tell you about my uncle?”
Tasha crossed her legs nervously. “He told me about the physical abuse.”
Thor’s amber gaze shuttered. “I thought you would need some background, but I guess you don’t.”
“I know there’s more I don’t know about him,” she said quietly. “He’s an interesting person and everyone seems to have an opinion on him, but I want to form my own.”
“What do you think so far?” Thor asked, his expression unreadable.
“I think he’s funny,” Tasha said. “I think he uses humor and crassness to keep people at arm’s length. I think he’s a lot softer than he’s admitting. I think he’s… afraid to love.”
Thor nodded. “He doesn’t even say it to me. I’ve always wondered if it would make it impossible for him to find a mate.”
“Love doesn’t have to be in words,” she said.
“I know,” he said. “But I’m not sure he’s even capable of acknowledging it. I’ve never seen someone he couldn’t push away. Whatever happened up there disturbed him if he’s drinking like that.”
She frowned. “I mean, I may have told him I loved him.”
Thor raised an eyebrow. “And you do?”
“I thought so, in wolf form. Everything seemed simpler there.”
“Fated mates? I believe in them. I feel a little sorry for you if your fated mate is my brother.”
She didn’t like that. “Who’s supposed to believe in him, then, if not you?”
Thor sighed. “You don’t know him like I do.”
“Maybe that’s good,” she said, unsure why she felt such a need to protect him whenever anyone else attacked. “Maybe people can change.”
“You don’t know what he’s done,” Thor said. “It’ll hurt him if you reject him when you find out. Maybe I should tell you—”
“I want to hear it from him,” she said sharply. “I don’t want to gossip.”
“It’s not gossip to warn you about what you’re getting into,” Thor said. “I love Lock with all of my heart, but—”
“But what? Do you really accept him? Then why does his past matter?”
Thor exhaled roughly. “Some things you do, they follow you. Lock has done a lot of those things.”
“I don’t know if I’m going to mate him,” she said softly, waving a hand. “But I know I’m linked to him. I know I’m meant to be here, doing this with him. And I know I’m not just going to abandon him for anything he has done.”
“You shouldn’t say that so easily,” Thor said. “One day you might find you are wrong.”
“I can’t leave him,” she said, touching her heart. “I know that deep in my soul. I don’t know what we’re meant to be to each other, but I know I’m not going to just walk out.”
Thor cocked his head. “You’re a very interesting person. I guess it makes sense since your brother is as well.”
“You know him?”
“Yes,” Thor said. “He’s Lacey’s cousin, after all. But it’s been months.”
“What’s he like?”
Thor raised an eyebrow. “I imagine you probably asked everyone this already. But he’s odd.”
“Odd how?”
“Kind of like my brother actually,” Thor said. “A lot of people don’t understand him, but he’s not a bad person. Especially when it comes to those he loves.”
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