Amitola: The Making of a Tribe

by A. Grant Richard

  Her heart ached, then she looked at Jason, and it became as cold as the countertop she was touching. “You know, the reason I can’t be around you…it’s because you allowed it to happen and then you left me alone to deal with the realization that he became a snitch to protect me. That made his death my fault. His family, his child, had to do without him for the last twenty years because of me.” She took a deep breath. She turned her head and blinked her eyes, pushing the tears back, she forbid them to fall. Lord knows she’d cried enough in the last week to last a lifetime.

  This was a conversation she’d dreaded for a long time, but it was overdue. “And you seem to be okay with that.” She looked over at the rest of the crew in the living room. Tye raised his eyebrows and looked at her wide-eyed. She’d felt his eyes on her the whole time. His presence made her feel safe enough to continue.

  Jason placed his head on the counter. He banged his forehead on his arms and pushed his feet against the support at the bottom of the barstool. He looked up and turned to her. He put his hands on her face. “I had no idea I did that to you. I didn’t know you thought that.”

  She turned her head away from his hand, and he pulled her chin until she was facing him again. “What happened with Brent was not your fault. I thought it would make you feel better to believe he was doing it for you. I was wrong. He did it to cover his own ass because he got caught.”

  She yanked his hand off of her face, “You lied to me?”

  “No, I mean, he said he was doing it for you, but he got caught too. None of this was your fault, and I wish I could go back and change things but I can’t. All I know is I love you, and I want to be with you.” He stood up and emphasized his words using his hands. “This is me telling you I want an Icee. I want you Maia, but if you don’t let me know something soon, then I’m going to go with someone else.”

  She looked at him, her face tilted and one eyebrow raised. “What is this really about?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I’m not stupid, Jason. You don’t now nor have you ever loved me and you’ve never been this persistent with anybody about anything. You always play the long game. Why are you pulling the short game all of a sudden?”

  She got him. He had to come clean. “First, you’re wrong. I’ve always cared about you…”

  “Cared,” she interjected.

  He held his hand up to hush her, "You know Allen has left Tobi alone, like you, because she was our only medical person. Well, now that we have Doc Tullier, he expects her to comply or move on. That’s another reason we’ve been so strict about the rules. He’s making a point to her too.” They both looked over at Tobi then back at each other. “Her and Sean persuaded him to let them stay if she agreed to take on one other partner. That would be me. But if I have any chance with you, I want it. And you can deny it all you want, but I know you still have feelings for me.”

  Suddenly Tobi’s earlier comments made sense. She was looking for validation from her because she was about to have to join the ranks of those women who had taken on multiple male partners. Maia’s emotional response was to grab him and kiss him while running her fingers through his loose curls. She wanted to tell him how long she’d waited to hear him say those words but she knew better. As much as she wanted to, she couldn’t. Her heart reminded her that she didn’t love him. She just had issues with what he had done to her and needed closure. Still, there was chemistry between them.

  Jason moved in closer to her. “Come on. You have to say something.”

  “Give me a minute to think.”

  “No, I know you. You’ll talk yourself out of it. Do what your heart is telling you to do.”

  She pushed him away from her. “My heart? If I always did what my heart told me to do, I’d be miserable. I have to have peace. That means following my heart and my mind. Now, let me think.”

  She put her head in her hands and closed her eyes. She needed quiet. She needed to process the information she had and make a decision. Emotional factors were necessary, so she considered them, but she knew from her marriage to Lance that those moments became fewer and fewer as the relationship aged. The foundation had to be based on trust, friendship, loyalty, and history. No amount of chemistry can fix that if it’s broken.

  If they were back in the old world and had the time to repair their history and trust issues, then they might stand a chance. But time had sped up. Since Judgement Day there was an urgency to find a tribe, a mate, a family and it grew stronger every day. A decision had to be made based on where the relationship stood now. She looked up and stared into his amber filled eyes looking for something to hold on to.

  Her body tingled remembering the way he used to love her, protect her, and how he’d sneak away with her when they were working. They would talk for hours, and she knew that among the living, he is probably the one person who knew her best. Her heart longed for them to become one again but her mind knew they never really were. Her relationship with him was all an illusion she'd chose to hold on to.

  She took him by the hand. “Sometimes, two people can care for each other deeply and not be able to be together. That’s us, Jason. Not only do we have extremely different views on things that are important to me but no matter how I feel when you kiss me or dance with me or flirt with me, it doesn’t change that I cringe moments later when I remember what happened between us. I haven’t let that go yet. I don’t have peace that it can be resolved soon enough either. I trust you with a lot of things but not with my heart. And I'm sorry but, I was never in love with you." She pushed his hands away. "Sorry.”

  Immediately, she saw it in his face. He’d lost her, and he knew it. She felt an emptiness catch the back of her throat and travel down to the pit of her stomach. They both stood. She wrapped her arms around him, and he lifted her slightly from the floor then put her down.

  He dropped his head, slumped and glared back at her with a bitter smile. “I love you, and I never meant to hurt you. I was trying to protect you. But, I get it. Just don’t expect me to be all giddy about you with some other dude. And I will be having a talk with him.”

  She looked him in the eye, “I have no idea what you’re talking about. Tye is my friend—“

  He smirked. “You keep telling yourself that. Like I said, I know you.”

  “Whatever…” She backed away and shrugged. “I do, however, support you and Tobi. She’s amazing. You’re lucky. Please, be good to her.”

  Caleb, Tye, Maia, and Sadie huddled together as they walked along the narrow road. The temperature had dropped drastically over the last couple of hours. Candlelight flickered through the small windows of the travel homes. Tye kicked the loose limestone underfoot nearly dropping his beer in the process. He loved that there was noise; wind chimes were tinkling, adults talking, laughing, and flags flapping in the breeze. For all of its oddities, this place had life.

  They’d spent a bit longer than they’d planned at Allen’s, but it was worth it. They hadn’t been able to let go like that for a long time. The screen door slammed behind them. The boys were playing a game of cards and eating leftovers from the feast. The place smelled of mildew and mothballs but they didn’t mind.

  Sadie pulled something out of her bag and showed it to Maia. It was a silver wire necklace she’d made for her. She’d hammered and twisted the thick metal herself then fashioned it into a heart. Inside of the heart was filled with multi-colored beads. The pendant hung on a sterling silver cable chain.

  She opened the clasp and walked behind Maia to put it on her neck. “I put all of the birthstones in it because I know a lot of kids think of you as their mom now and I didn’t want to leave anybody out. If you have any more kids, this will cover them too.”

  Maia touched the pendant and looked down at it. This meant so much more than Sadie would likely ever understand. “Thank you. I love it. I really do. I can’t believe you made this for me.”

  “I’m just glad we found you,” she said giving Maia a quick hug.

&nb
sp; “I'm happy that you found me too.”

  Tye flashed a smile at Maia and gave Sadie a hug. The crew got ready for the night, taking turns in the bathroom and making the beds. Tye helped the boys clean their mess. He folded the table down and pulled out the beds before retreating to the bathroom.

  Maia used the sheets provided to them to cover the polyester cushions, but they weren’t an exact fit. She tucked them under as best as she could. Caleb looked through the storage areas for anything they could use as pillows, but there were none. It was just as well, they’d gotten used to sleeping without them anyway.

  Caleb, Elex, and Junior piled into the bigger bed. Tye, Sadie, and Maia climbed into the smaller one. “Good night, John-Boy,” Caleb said. “Goodnight, Daddy,” Maia replied. Then Tye had to follow up with, “Good night, Mary Ellen.” They all had a good laugh about it. Well, the adults did anyway. The kids had no idea what the heck the three of them were even talking about.

  Maia kept squirming to try to keep warm. She nestled herself against the cold wall. Sadie was snuggled up to her dad in between the two of them. When Tye noticed she was having trouble sleeping, he swapped spots with Sadie. “You don’t have to do that,” Maia said to him.

  “I want to.” He laid on his back between them. “C’mon, there’s room for both of you.”

  Sadie smiled at her as she put her head on Tye’s shoulder. Maia smiled back, placing her head snug on his other shoulder.

  Tye’s body sunk into the mattress under the weight of the two but he didn’t care. He kissed his little girl on the top of her head then he tilted his head ever so slightly, pressing his lips against Maia’s forehead. He allowed his lips to linger for just a second longer than necessary. He breathed in deep, taking his fill of her scent. Damn, she smelled good. He brushed her arm. It was soft as silk. He couldn’t help but touch her again.

  He could tell by her breathing that she was nearly asleep. He squeezed them both as though he were giving one last good night hug but the hold he had on Maia was strong enough to pull her closer as if she wasn’t already nearly on top of him. She moved her leg over his, and her hand gently slid down to his abdomen, resting on his navel. A jolt shot through his flesh, and he gasped. He didn’t mean for that to happen. Why couldn’t he get this woman out of his head?

  The solid plank support underneath the mattress pressed into his back. This was the perfect excuse to wake her up and ask her to move. He decided to wait a few more minutes. He couldn’t make himself disturb her yet. He liked having her so close. He wanted her to be close.

  His chest tightened. He realized he hardly ever thought of her as Lance’s wife anymore. Not that he had written him off or forgotten his friend in any way. It just seemed as though his eyes had been opened toward her and every mental image, thought or emotion he’d previously suppressed was suddenly alive and constantly streaming inside his head. He was relieved to find out she didn’t want to be with Jason and hearing her talk the way she did tonight nearly put him over the edge.

  What really did him in was how she opened up to him about what she’d been through. She sought comfort in him, and he wanted nothing more than to take her pain away and put a smile on that beautiful face of hers. He found he now had a constant need for those bright green eyes to light up and he wanted it to be because of him.

  He stared at the ceiling in the cramped space. He reminded himself that no matter how long it seems like it has been, in reality, it’s only been a few days. Nausea came in waves. His stomach felt as though he’d swallowed a bucket of rocks. He couldn’t do it. He couldn’t take the chance of falling in love with her and finding out that she didn’t feel the same way or worse, losing her. Besides, she already told him she wasn’t ready to move on.

  He pushed her leg down beside him and removed her hand from his pelvis. Gently, he moved from underneath her and turned on his side to face Sadie. Still, he tossed and turned most of the night. It had little to do with the uncomfortable bed he was sleeping in and everything to do with how uncomfortable he was with the feelings he had for the woman beside him. He woke up several times with his body melting into hers and his arm wrapped around her. Each time he laid on his back or turned towards Sadie but once again, later that night he’d wake to find himself cradling her. His body couldn’t seem to follow through with the decision his mind made.

  Maia woke when she heard Caleb fumbling around the trailer. How that man could wake up at the butt crack of dawn every morning was insane to her. She’d sleep all day if they let her, but they had to get going as soon as possible, so she forced herself to get out of bed. She had to push Tye’s leg and arm off of her and then gently move from under his head since he’d rested it right on her shoulder.

  Climbing over Tye and Sadie, she realized her body was aching all over. That bed was no better than a tree limb. At least her nose and shoulder were better. There was that.

  She splashed some cold water on her face. She considered jumping in the shower, but she was already shivering. Standing naked in frigid water would only make it worse. She put on her warm clothes and walked into the kitchen to make tea for everyone.

  Caleb looked over and saw her making the herbal concoction. “Why isn’t Allen concerned about illnesses? They didn’t even ask us if we were sick.”

  “Because he understands what caused most of the people to die in the beginning. They eat well here, the water is clean, and he immunized all of them against the worst stuff.” She added a bit of honey to the tea and stirred it well. She brought it to Caleb along with his supplements. “We understand that too, but we try to be extra cautious since we have pregnant mamas who haven’t been exposed to any of this stuff to build up an immunity.”

  He took a sip of the tea. “How’d he get all that stuff?”

  “One of the guys here worked at a pharmaceutical company, so he knew where the storage facilities were. They took everything. He set himself up to be a major player, that’s for sure.”

  “Hmm. That was smart of him. Only the people who thought ahead like that will be able to rebuild society.” He put some water in his mouth and then threw the supplements in and swallowed.

  She winked at him. “Don’t worry. I listened to your show. I may have put some things aside.”

  His eyes widened. “Besides the gas? Like what?”

  “One thing at a time okay? I’m going to tell you but let’s get there first.”

  Caleb jotted down his last note on his to-do list then closed his pocket notebook. “You don’t fully trust me yet, do you?”

  She sat down beside him on the floor. “It’s not that. Trust is such a complicated word. I don’t think we can ever completely trust anyone in all circumstances. But, for reasons I can’t quite figure out myself, in most things…” She looked him in the eyes, “I do trust you. I guess that means I have a problem with giving up control.”

  “I don’t want to take control away from you. I want to relieve you of some of the responsibility you’ve had to take on. I need you to know that.” He held out his hand.

  “What?” she asked.

  He pointed to her turquoise and white chevron notebook. “Can I see it?” He knew what he was asking of her. He valued his notebook the way she valued hers. It was the ultimate test of trust. “Here,” he handed her his notebook. “If we’re going to work together I think it would benefit us both to know how the other operates. I know that what’s inside these notebooks is the equivalent to what’s in our heads. I have a feeling we’re more alike than you might think.”

  She looked at her notebook then looked back at him. He could tell she wasn’t sure about handing it over. She took a deep breath. He noticed she did that when she was anxious. “I can’t imagine the courage it took to share what you did last night. The last thing I want to do is cause you any more stress. If you aren’t comfortable with this, then I’ll let it go for now, but I know that you won’t ever have peace about me taking any responsibility until you’re sure I know where you’re coming from.”
He pointed to the notebook. “This will speed that up.”

  “Ugh, one thing you’ll have to learn about me is even though I react emotionally, I don’t operate in it. What I mean is, I have to talk myself out of the way I sometimes feel because I know it isn’t logical. I also tend to be honest to a fault which is what is about to happen.”

  She covered her face with her notebook. “I don’t want to give you this book because I know we think a lot alike. I’m scared you’ll figure out my coding, and if you do, then you’ll know the rest of what I’ve been through since this all started. What I shared last night was only part of it.” The color drained from her face. She tilted her head and looked him in the eye. “I don’t want you to leave when you know the truth.”

  And just like that, she broke his heart. The weight of the world came down on him. He leaned in and rubbed her back then he pulled her into his arms. He couldn’t imagine what she was keeping secret. “Sweetie, there is nothing I could learn that would change anything. We've all dealt with things in different ways at different times. We have to make a conscious decision to be there for each other no matter what. I’ve done that regarding you. Please, trust me.”

  He held on to her even as she tried to squirm free. He couldn’t tell if she was mad or crying but either way, he wasn’t letting her go. “You say that because you don’t know. You don’t know what I had to do.” She hit his chest. “I can’t do all this anymore. I can’t. I need you to do it for me, but I can’t tell you why. Please don’t make me.”

  His mind flooded with thoughts of his sisters and Kerri. He had no way of knowing if they were alive and if so, where they were or what they’d been through. He hoped someone would be kind enough to care for them the way he cared for Maia. He hoped they’d found their tribe; that group of people that couldn’t walk away from them. If he thought for a second that he could make it to Boston to find them, then he would go. All he knew is his dad said he’d taken care of everything and that he should wait in Baton Rouge. But no one ever showed up, including his father. The details and anguish of their five-month journey were tucked neatly inside the pages of that small brain dump he journaled in every morning.