by L A Cotton
I glared at Elena. Was she for real? I couldn't move for fear of puking all over the bed, let alone get dressed and go sit in a bar surrounded by alcohol. Elena laughed, holding her hands up. "Got ya. Well, I'm going to get a quick shower then head out. If you want me to bring anything back, let me know."
I closed my eyes, trying to ignore the sick feeling possessing my body, but something vibrated on the floor next to the bed and cut through my nausea. My hand hung off the bed, rummaging in the pile of dumped clothes trying to find my cell.
Hope you feel okay... Last night doesn’t change anything. Sorry. J x
My eyes stared at the message, transfixed on the tiny print. The sick feeling that I had felt only seconds ago was slowly replaced with a numbness that I was used to. It was a feeling that I had grown accustomed to over the last year, a feeling that I welcomed.
As I pulled up the comforter over my head, I gave myself over to it.
Until I felt nothing.
~
By Monday morning, my alcohol binge was a distance memory—something I wouldn’t be repeating any time soon. Jackson’s white knight act was less easy to forget. But after sleeping through most of Saturday and Sunday, I finally dragged my butt out of bed and into the shower.
I also sent a quick email to Dr. Simmonds.
When I had moved to CFA, she had given me her email address for emergencies. Saturday I had felt it. The poison starting to spread up through my body and into my mind, like acid—killing off all of the positive cells that I had managed to build up over the last couple of months. But I had welcomed the numbness, let it in without so much as a tiny bit of resistance. I was scared that Jackson had affected me so much. He had awoken a part of me that I wasn’t used to dealing with. He made me feel. And damn if it didn’t hurt.
I hadn’t given Dr. Simmonds the details, but she knew me well enough to know that I wouldn’t get in touch without there being a good cause. In her usual counselor-type fashion, she thought that ‘feeling was a good sign and that as long as I didn’t let myself stay numb for too long, it sounded like progress’. I liked the woman, but she was batshit crazy if she thought that I could just switch it on and off like that. Or she just had more faith in me than I did.
Not wanting to undo all my so-called 'progress', I did manage to pick up the pieces enough to get up and ready for classes on time. Progress, I repeated to myself as I exited McGinley and joined the steady flow of student traffic. Elena was MIA again, no doubt at Tyson’s, so I used the short walk to try to get my head together… ready for Classics with Jackson.
And Briony.
My eyes immediately found them as I discreetly entered the auditorium. I had hung back, waiting until the last minute before entering. I didn’t want to draw attention to myself, but I didn’t want to risk arriving earlier than them either. Gardner was up front wiggling the projector cables as I slid into an empty seat, a few seats over from my usual place. That way if he—or more importantly Bitchiony—tried to make eye contact, they would fail. Although after his reminder Saturday, I doubted that Jackson would.
Gardner dimmed the lights and the projector finally flickered to life. I sank back into my seat and tried my hardest not to look over at them. Like that was ever going to happen. It was impossible. There was clearly something wrong with me. Why would anyone want to sit and watch the guy responsible for starting to bring them back to life cozy up next to another girl. A much more attractive and outgoing girl nonetheless. Yeah, there was definitely something very wrong with me, because for ninety minutes, I didn’t just watch—I obsessed.
When Gardner brightened the lights and muttered the words, “Class dismissed,” I started to jump out of my seat and run the hell out of there, but something caught my eye on my usual desk.
A note.
My heart sped up as I pocketed it and left the room. It was burning a hole, knowing it could only be from Jackson, and as soon as I was in the safety of the foyer, I pulled it out and scanned the words. It wasn’t from Jackson at all.
Watch your back, bitch! Jackson is off-limits.
My stomach plummeted and I wanted to run straight back to the dorm, but Elena was waiting outside the building. The girl possessed some kind of Ana-radar. Her eyes narrowed and she forced a weary smile. "Hey, chica, you're finally in the land of the living then? Want to talk about it?"
"Talk about what?"
She heaved a sigh and pulled at the mass of curls framing her face. "Come on, Ana. This is me..." The words lingered in the space between us and my eyes darted around her, avoiding direct contact. "I don't know what you're talking about." I started walking in the direction of the student center, hoping that if I played normal and tried to force down the panic rising in my chest, she would drop it.
"Ana, wait." She caught up with me. "I don't want to push but something is clearly going on with you. You're up and down more than a yo-yo, chica. I'm a good listener, I promise. Not everything is always about me. I know that. Let me be here for you."
This was a pivotal moment for me. It was a moment that Dr. Simmonds and I had talked about many times in our sessions. One day, I would have to share my story with someone other than Dr. S; one day, I would have to move on to that last stage of the grieving process: acceptance. But a part of me wasn’t ready. Like if I were to admit it and tell someone, it would make it all too real. I had been through all the stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression.
For months after the accident, I was in denial and then one day—over something so insignificant that I could no longer even remember the exact moment—I lost it. Completely and utterly lost it. That was my angry phase. Aunt Betsy almost washed her hands of me because things were that bad. And when getting angry no longer worked, I started to plan. Although, the plan didn’t really involve a way to fix things—it was more like a plan to end things. I couldn't even do that right, though, and when I finally recovered, I fell into a black void. Except I didn’t just fall, it swallowed me whole. The poison that I fought to abate on a daily basis had consumed me—depression.
I stopped and turned to Elena and pulled her into a hug, giving myself over to the moment. It might not have been opening up in the way that most people opened up, but for me, seeking comfort in another was huge.
"Ana, wha-what is-"
"Sssh," I murmured into Elena's untamed hair. "This is me thanking you for being you. For being the best roommate a girl could wish for. I'm not ready to talk... yet. But one day, if I am, it'll be with you, Elena Marks."
Elena relaxed against me as she tightened her arms around me, and we stood in the middle of CFA campus hugging each other to near death.
"I'll be here, whenever you're ready, Savanah Parry."
And just like that, I knew that I had found a friend. A true friend. And some of the cracks started to fill in. Mend. A tiny piece of the brokenness in me healed.
~
"Where did you go? We've been waiting." Tyson rose from the bench to scoop Elena up in his arms and kiss her.
"Sorry." I held up my hand. "My fault. There may have been some hugging involved."
"Like girl-on-girl action? And we missed it? Damn, Ana. Invite us next time, please?" Paul clutched his chest right near his heart, pretending to be wounded.
"It was hardly the fantasy that you have running through your head right now, but whatever gets a guy off." I winked at him and headed for the counters.
After my moment with Elena, I felt surprisingly good. Sure, I still felt some residue emotional whiplash from Jackson, but with Elena in my corner, CFA didn’t have to be so bad. My stomach growled and I had a craving for sugar, so I skipped right past the salad cart and headed for the dessert counter. I felt someone following me, but thought it was probably just Elena or one of the guys playing a prank. I turned around ready to catch them. Only it wasn’t anyone who I recognized. The guy was tall and stacked. In fact, he looked like he could take on an entire college wrestling team and win without breaking a sweat. He stared right
through me, an indecipherable expression on his face. After a few seconds, he stepped forward and forced me back into the corner, blocking my way to the other counters.
Suddenly not feeling in the mood for sugar anymore, I stepped to the side. "Umm, excuse me." Avoiding eye contact, I tried to maneuver around him, but he moved into my path again.
"Ana, right?" This is not good. I could count the people I knew on a first name basis at CFA on two hands.
"Look, I need to be getting back to my friends." I tried to peek around his huge frame. The cafeteria was starting to empty, but I could just make out Elena sitting with the guys, totally unaware of my current situation.
"Why the rush? I'm Chad. I've heard you like to party. I thought we could hook up, have some fun?"
The alarm bells that had started chiming when I turned around to find Chad were now sounding at full decibel. Who in the hell was this guy? And why did he think that I liked to party? Me, of all people!
"I'm not sure what you think you know, but I'm not interested, Chad." I raised my chin in an attempt to seem confident—to mask the slight tremor in my voice.
"Now, Ana, don't play hard to get. Guys talk. And I've heard very interesting things about you, sweetheart." His voice was thick and husky as if he was trying to flirt with me or maybe threaten me. I couldn’t decide, but both ideas made my stomach churn and my heart beat faster.
"Look, I really have to get back..." I tried stepping around him again. "So, if you'd just let me by." I folded my arms across my chest, trying to show some level of control, but he inched toward me, dipping his head until his lips were only centimeters away from my ear. "I don’t like girls who play hard to get. If I want something, I take it. Remember that."
And just like that, he turned and walked away from me.
I slumped up against the steel counter. What in the hell was that? Deep down, though, I knew who was responsible.
And I had a feeling it was only the beginning.
Chapter 12
“So, what did he say? Exactly,” Lydia whispered across the booth, like we were discussing the unearthed secrets of the universe.
“Well, I’ve told you before that he talks in his sleep, right? So after making me come, twice…” Talia grinned, clearly pleased with Jarrod’s sexual prowess. “He fell right to sleep and then mumbled something in his sleep about Reibeckitt wanting payback for what Braiden did to Lyle.”
“So, it’s about Braiden and not CFH?” Cassie said.
“Wait, CFH?” I asked, picking at my burger and fries.
“Chastity Falls High school,” Talia explained, huffing at my inability to keep up. “So, anyway, when we woke up, I quizzed him about it and he totally downplayed it. But something’s stirring. I’ve heard other rumors from my sister.”
“There’s been a truce for a while, hasn’t there?” Lydia asked through a mouthful of taco.
“Truce?” I clasped a hand over my mouth realizing that I had interrupted her again. “Sorry, I’m shutting up.”
“Senior year, Braiden and Trey called a truce, but rumor has it that now that they’ve both moved on, things are rocky again.”
Elena, Cassie, and Lydia hung on Talia’s every word, nodding in all the right places and gasping whenever she revealed another new piece of information. I was merely trying to keep up. It had been a long time since I gossiped and talked boys, and I had moved to CFA knowing nothing about the place. I was quickly realizing that I was the only person out of the loop. All I had really managed to grasp so far was that there was some bad blood between Chastity Falls and the next town over, Reibeckitt Valley. Somehow—but not unsurprisingly—Braiden was involved, and Jarrod, the heavily tatted guy from the party who turned out to be Talia’s ex, was from Reibeckitt, giving her the inside scoop. I had also managed to glean that the guy Braiden beat up in the cafeteria, Lyle, was also from Reibeckitt. Apparently, the truce didn't extend to CFA.
Elena gulped down her soda then asked, “Who’s at the top at CFH now?”
“Braiden’s cousin, Roman. Back in high school, Braiden was a loose cannon, even more so than he is here. Even Pierce struggled to rein him in back then. He was almost sent to juvie senior year for putting a guy in ICU. I heard Roman is set to follow in his footsteps, if you know what I’m saying."
"What about Briony?" I took a deep breath, silently cursing myself. I was like question girl tonight, even starting to irritate myself, but my inquisitive nature refused to stay quiet.
"She’s the apple of her daddy’s eye. Braiden would do anything to protect her. He put more than one guy in the hospital over her. One wrong look and he would storm in all guns blazing."
If I learned anything over dinner at Dante’s, it was that you wanted to avoid the Donohue twins. Yet, I had managed to end up on both of their radars. Just brilliant, Ana. Why'd you have to have a connection with the one guy on the whole of campus involved with them?
Two hours later, I was still replaying the conversation over in my head. I hadn’t wanted to go to Dante’s in the first place. I was still trying to lay low following my run-in with Briony and Chad. But Elena turned on her big Latina puppy dog eyes and I found myself agreeing. During the whole dinner, I sat in the corner of our booth trying to remain unnoticed. I had survived, but now I couldn’t shake the conversation. None of it felt right to me—let alone normal, and yet everyone else seemed so unaffected by it.
“So, you weren’t exaggerating when you said things happened in this town?” I said to Elena, as we both sat studying at our small desks.
She dropped her pen and swiveled in her chair to face me. “Well, I didn’t realize it was quite as exciting as Talia makes it sound.”
I frowned. “Exciting? You call turf wars with other towns and Braiden putting guys in the hospital exciting?”
“You know what I mean. Who wants to go to a college where nothing exciting ever happens? College is about having stories to tell your grandkids.”
I stared at her incredulously, unable to believe what she had just said. She was dead serious, truly believing every word that tumbled out of her mouth. I wondered if she would be so excited if she knew that I had a target painted on my back. “So, it doesn’t freak you out at all, not even a little?”
She shrugged. “Chica, as long as those crazy-ass twins aren’t coming at me or mine, it’s all good.”
I hesitated, unsure of what, if anything, I should tell her. I hadn’t even mentioned that I knew Jackson to Elena, so I wasn’t sure where to start. But telling her could drag her into it, only making the problem ten times worse. So, I swallowed down the words and turned back to my laptop. Maybe if you pretend it isn’t happening, it’ll all just go away.
~
It wasn’t going away. For the next week, news soon spread about an impending thing between Chastity Falls and Reibeckitt. No one actually knew what was going to happen—just that something was going down and it sure wasn’t going to be anything friendly.
I continued to lay low, avoiding any further run-ins with Chad, which was a relief because, to be honest, he freaked me the hell out. And apart from being in one class with Briony, I managed to stay out of her way. Elena picked up on my absence in the cafeteria at lunch all week, but I blamed in on a paper that I needed to get done. She knew better than to push and left me to it.
Things with Jackson remained the same. He didn’t acknowledge me and didn’t even glance in my direction. I would be lying if I said it didn’t hurt—it cut deep. But it was impossible to ignore the constant whispers and hushed conversations, so I focused on that instead of the heavy ache in my chest. The old me would have loved something like this. The rumors, the gossip, the potential for getting to the bottom of whatever the hell was about to happen. I even heard a couple of professors talking about it. And while people were talking about Reibeckitt’s need for revenge, they weren’t interested in the broken girl from Fort Pierce.
“Chica, did you hear me?” Elena was staring at me with that look. I had zoned out
again, lost in my own head.
“Hmm, no, what? Sorry.”
“Party at Dead Man’s Cove tonight? Nothing crazy, I promise.” Her eyes were begging me, but I replied, “I don’t know,” as I pulled at the zipper on my jacket, avoiding eye contact with her.
She muttered something in Spanish and then said, “Ana, you’re coming. No. Arguments.”
“But-”
She cut in front of me, forcing me to a halt, and planted her hands on her hips. “No buts. We will be at that party tonight, and you will have fun. Capisce?”
“Capisce? Isn’t that Italian? You’re Latina,” I mocked.
“Don’t push me, chica.” Her scowl softened into a half smile, and I sidestepped her and continued walking toward McGinley. “Fine. I’ll come.”
“Really? I had a whole speech rehearsed.” She linked her arm through mine, an extra bounce in her step, but I didn’t share in her enthusiasm. Not when my stomach pooled with dread. The party was not a good idea. Every cell in my body screamed at me to tell Elena no, but the more that I pulled away, the more she would push. And eventually she would demand answers. So, I silenced my concerns, ignored my racing pulse, and plastered on a fake smile. Everything will be fine, I assured myself, as I said, “Sure. I’m in.”
Elena wasted no time in ushering me to change and trekking down to the beach. But this time, it was nothing like the crazy of the last time I had been here. Chilled beats played through someone’s iPod although there was no alfresco dance floor. Instead, students hung around on camping chairs and fallen trunks, drinking bottled beer and chatting. I recognized a few people from my classes but kept my head down, avoiding eye contact with anyone. I had moved on from wanting to blend— now, I just wanted to remain invisible.
We were over by a smaller bonfire with the guys. Elena sat in the sand; her back pressed against Tyson’s opened and slightly bent legs as he rested against a huge fallen trunk. Paul, Nate, and Jamie were over from us, goofing around. The other guys were with them, the ones I had met once at Dante’s, but I couldn’t remember their names. One of them was trying his luck with Cassie, but she seemed more interested in Nate. Her eyes kept raking over his lean body, sparkling with lust. The girl had it bad. Lydia was off talking to a guy who she’d had her eye on. Talia had refused to come. And I was only there physically. Mentally, I had checked out, captivated by the sea.
