But she didn’t know if she was up to getting back into the front car of the roller coaster to go plunging down steep inclines again. For a long moment, her arms crossed before her, she studied him, trying to block out the feelings that were tiptoeing around her, attempting to break in.
“My friend doesn’t remember you.”
Out of left field, the statement threw him completely. Who was she talking about? “What?”
She watched his face intently. Could she tell if he was lying? She wanted to believe that she could but she wasn’t sure anymore. “A woman I know on the staff of Boston Memorial, Dr. Stephanie Geller, she doesn’t remember you.”
His eyes narrowed. “Are you checking up on me?”
“You’re changing the subject.”
“That is the subject.” He stood, looking down at her, searching her eyes. The business he was in had made him paranoid. He tried to remind himself that this was Alix, that she wasn’t a part of his operation, except in the most peripheral of ways. “Why are you checking up on me, Alix?”
He had to ask? The old Terrance would have known. “Because things aren’t adding up. Because you’re palling around with William Harris—”
“You went out with him,” he was quick to counter.
“He was persistent and I was trying to forget about you—” She saw Terrance opening his mouth. “And if you tell me you’re hanging around him to forget about me, I swear I’ll hit you.”
Inadvertently she had just handed him his excuse. “Then get ready to swing.” Terrance looked at her innocently.
“Why?” Feeling her towel loosen, she tucked it in against her breasts. She wasn’t buying any of this. “So you work both sides of the street now?”
“No, but when he goes out, he only has one objective, to get lucky.”
“So that’s why you’re with him? To ‘get lucky’?” she cried contemptuously.
She began to turn away, but he caught her by the shoulders, forcing her to look at him. “So far I haven’t been. I can’t seem to forget about you.”
Oh no, he wasn’t going to look at her with those soulful eyes, he wasn’t going to wiggle out of everything he’d done that easily. There was a lot for him to account for. “So what happened for those six years? You had amnesia?”
He was tired of dancing around, tired of trying to second-guess her and divert her. Though he had no right to her, all he wanted was to have her in his life.
“How many ways do I have to apologize for that?”
“I don’t know,” she told him honestly. “Until I can learn to trust you again. Once trust is gone, it’s not a simple matter to get it back.”
“My father died, the field I put my heart and soul into couldn’t save him. It felt as if everything I believed in was a lie.”
She fought back the tears that stung her eyes. She hated the fact that she started to cry when she got angry. “I wasn’t a lie. I would have been there for you no matter what. We loved each other, you were supposed to turn to me when you were having a crisis, not limp into some out-of-the-way cave like a wounded bear,” she insisted hotly, her temper flaring. “This wasn’t about survival of the fittest, this was about love.”
He shrugged helplessly. “I didn’t want to bring you down.”
Of all the stupid—
“Oh, and suddenly finding myself with only half my heart, half my life, that wasn’t supposed to bring me down?” She had to curb herself to keep from shouting at him.
He could only offer her the truth now and hope that she would understand. “I had to find myself.”
She looked at him, her battle against the tears lost as she remembered the pain, the sorrow. Remembered everything.
“Why did you have to lose me to do it?”
Chapter 13
Terrance leaned his forehead against hers.
“Alix, I only know that losing you was the worst thing I could have done.”
And it was the truth. He wasn’t sorry about the turns his life had taken, only that they hadn’t included her.
But now he was so entrenched in this life he was living, in this lie he’d had to weave, that he didn’t think he could ever work his way out. Ever get back to where he had once been. Much as he wanted to, he didn’t see her forgiving him for lying to her again.
Terrance sighed, squaring his shoulders. His being here was only torturing both of them. “Maybe I’d better go.”
Turning away from her, he crossed to the door. His hand was on the doorknob when he heard Alix softly say, “Maybe you’d better stay.”
Surprised, he looked at her over his shoulder. “If I stay…” He let his voice trail off.
He didn’t have to say it. “I know.” Alix remained where she was standing, waiting for him to make the next move. Knowing she was playing with fire, but there was no way around it. She was going to get burned if he left again, one way or another. She might as well let him stay for as long as they both had. “Live for the moment, right?”
And then he was standing before her, looking down at the face of the woman who had always held his life in her hands.
“Sounds good to me.” Terrance smiled at her, feeling the ends of his own smile swirling all through him. “So, are you planning on staying over-dressed like that all night?”
“That’s up to you.” There was a wicked glimmer in her eyes as she raised them to his.
Terrance hooked his forefinger in the rim of the towel just between her breasts and pulled her to him, then stopped. He glanced up the stairs.
“Maybe we’d better take this to your room. If Julie should wander out, I think this might be way too much of an education for her to handle.”
His thoughtfulness touched her. There was so much of the old Terrance in this man who had reentered her life. “Julie’s at Grandpa’s tonight. He thought I needed to get my rest.”
He thought of their first night together. “I do truly love that father of yours.”
There was no further discussion about destination. With Julie gone there was no reason to move anywhere. The whole house was theirs.
With a quick, gentle movement of his fingers, the towel found itself communing with the floor, forming a semi-circle of white dampness on the entry tiles beneath her feet.
Drawing her to him, absorbing her warmth, he smiled. “You smell of flowers.”
“That’s my bubble bath.”
Terrance tilted her head up and brushed his lips against hers. “And of sin.”
“That would be your work.” Alix entwined her arms around his neck, bringing herself up on her toes to kiss him more deeply.
Her body brushed along his, sending electric shock waves through it along with a surge of heat.
Reacting, his arms closed around Alix, locking her into place as his mouth finished what hers had begun. The kiss had the depth and breadth of an ocean, engulfing them both.
He wasn’t sure if he undressed himself or if she did. Most likely it was a combination of both their efforts. All Terrance knew was that within a heartbeat, he was as naked as she was. As eager as she was to reach their own special place, the haven where the world couldn’t find them. Where there were no lies, no lives that depended on him, no consequences to be faced.
There was only her, only him, only the intense feelings they had for one another.
That he loved her as much as he was capable of loving anyone he never doubted. If that was enough, he didn’t know.
But for now, he didn’t have to know. All he had to do was be with her. Make love with her. It was more than he would have dreamed of only a month ago.
Wrapped around each other, they sank down to the floor, and she moaned, shifting. The movement aroused him, but he was aware that the moan might have come from discomfort. He raised himself slightly. “Too hard?”
“What?”
“The floor.” Raising himself further, he bracketed her body on either side with his hands. “Is it too hard for you?”
Alix laughed. “I
thought maybe you were referring to yourself.” The laughter tucked itself away into her grin, her eyes remaining fixed on his. She could have been lying on a bed of nails right now and she wouldn’t have noticed. She slid her fingers along his face. “Will you carry me up the stairs again?”
“That depends.” He cocked his head, as if studying her from this close vantage point. “Have you gained any weight since the last time?”
“Beast,” she said with a sniff.
“I’ll take that as a yes.” And then he rose, drawing her up with him. Before she could say a word in response, she was up in his arms again. “I guess I can give it my best shot.”
“As I remember,” Alix curled her body against his chest, her arms around his neck, “you have a lot of best shots.”
The sound of his laughter, rumbling in his chest and against her cheek, sent comforting ripples through her body. It made her feel oh, so safe, so secure. And in love, she added silently. Safe, secure and in love. At least for the moment.
He caught her lips, kissing her hard just before he began to walk up the stairs with her.
“I could get used to this,” she murmured with a heartfelt sigh.
So could he, he thought. But he couldn’t allow himself to. Because once Alix found out his secret, everything would change.
He wasn’t saying anything, she thought. No flippant, teasing remark had met hers in response. She knew what that meant. Terrance wasn’t given to lies or to making promises. Not anymore.
But that was all right, she wasn’t asking for any, wasn’t pretending any existed. She was an adult now, and that meant knowing that all anyone ever had was this moment in time. Nothing more, nothing less. She intended to make the most of hers.
“Is it my imagination, or are you getting slower?” she teased, determined to enjoy herself and not overthink anything.
He was relieved that the serious moment was over. “If you’re going to complain—”
Pretending to take umbrage, he deposited her unceremoniously on her bed. With a whoop of surprise, Alix bounced once, her eyes flying open. The next moment she scrambled up to her knees and caught his arm, throwing him off balance and onto the bed.
Onto her.
Terrance had to brace his arms on either side of her to keep from coming down too hard. He loved the way her laughter echoed in his chest.
“If I didn’t know any better, I would have said you planned that.”
Alix laughed, arching her body so that it pressed into his. “I did.”
The laughter died as he looked into her face, regretting the years he had lost, aching for the years he wouldn’t have. Blotting out all thought, he brought his mouth down to hers.
The moment he did, the fire lit and began to consume them both in earnest.
He meant to go slowly, to take each step languidly, weaving it into the last. Memorizing the curve of her body, the tastes of her skin, everything. But the demands of passion were too hard to contain. So he made love to her as if there was no time left.
Because perhaps there wasn’t.
Alix felt his hands everywhere, her mind spinning out of control as he touched her, caressed her. Pressed his palms along her body and branded her.
His lips followed almost immediately, fanning the flames. Making her crazy. Making her want him so badly, even her teeth hurt.
Terrance knew how to play her, he always had. He knew where to touch, where to arouse. It felt as if she had been transformed into one enormous climax because no sooner had he brought her to one than another began to unfold, demanding her, taking her.
Everywhere his lips touched, she felt tiny explosions. Whether it was the hollow of her neck, the dip in her elbow, the place behind her knee, the sensation happened again and again until she felt that her body had been entirely depleted of energy. Damp and panting, she sank into the mattress, convinced that she was going to fade from life in the next moment. With a smile on her face.
And then he was pushing himself into her, full and wanting, his eyes on hers. She’d never seen him like this.
A new wave of craving overtook her, energizing her, exhausting her. She didn’t think she had enough strength to match the rhythm of his hips, but she was wrong. All it took was wanting to please him, wanting to be there with him when he experienced the final release that took him over the brink.
He locked his hands with hers, lacing them together, holding them down firmly against the bed.
At the very last moment he caught her lips with his own and cried out her name. She thought he said something more, but she couldn’t be sure. The haze that was around her was too thick, too consuming. It took every effort for her just to be able to breathe.
After she opened her eyes, she felt almost too spent to draw her lips back in a smile. All she could manage was to turn her head ever so slightly.
“Wow.”
“I’ll take that as a compliment,” he murmured against her neck, too exhausted for the moment to even raise his head.
Was it possible? Feeling his breath along her skin was stirring her. “Was there some kind of fire you were rushing to?”
She felt his lips curving against her neck as he smiled. Something fluttered in her stomach, twisting. “Did you feel rushed?”
She sighed. “I felt wonderful.” Lifting one leaden arm, she stroked his hair. “I feel wonderful.”
This time he did rouse himself just enough to look at her. “Yes, you do.”
She could feel the sweat between their bodies, feel her hair plastered against her skin, just as his was against his. The sensation enticed her. Lifting her head a little, she pressed a kiss against the back of his head. And then she fell back. “What just happened here?”
He could feel her heart beating hard against her rib cage, echoing its erratic rhythm against his chest. With effort, he raised himself up on his elbows and looked down at her face. “If I have to explain it, then I did it wrong.”
She smiled, memorizing every nuance of his face, loving everything she saw.
Love. Was that what she’d heard him say along with her name? Were the muffled words “I love you?” Or was that just wishful thinking on her part? She wasn’t sure, but she wasn’t going to ask and spoil it all. Better to just pretend.
As if to hide her thoughts, she laced her hands together behind his neck, drawing him closer.
“You did it perfectly,” she assured him. “I just never knew you to be so intense before.”
There was something in his expression, something that had haunted her before. However reluctantly, her thoughts returned to her phone call to Stephanie. Back to her questions. She would have hoped her doubts would have remained at bay just a little longer. It saddened her.
“Is there anything wrong?” she asked, searching his face for some kind of sign, some kind of clue. “You can tell me, Terry.”
He took her hand and brought it to his lips, kissing her fingers one by one. It was getting harder and harder to keep things from her. “You just called me Terry again.”
“Did I?” She hadn’t realized that. Alix caught her lower lip between her teeth. “Maybe it’s a vulnerable moment.” The smile faded a little. “I don’t like being vulnerable, Terry.”
He knew that and hated the game he had to play. “Then trust me.”
I want to. I really, really want to. But the danger was that she was risking her heart, a heart she might not be able to repair a second time. “That makes me most vulnerable of all.” Alix took a deep breath, knowing there was no resolving this issue tonight.
Or perhaps any night.
She wasn’t going to think about it. She couldn’t. Instead she turned her body into his, her eyes gleaming mischievously. “Ready for round two?”
“You’ve got to be kidding.” He laughed, grateful for the reprieve.
She looked at him, affecting the most solemn expression she could muster. “I never kid when I’m naked.”
“I’ll do my best.”
She was alre
ady under him, moving to ensure his compliance, her arms woven around his neck. “That’s all I ask, Terrance, that’s all I ask.”
She’d called him Terrance. The moment was over. But not the lovemaking, he thought, as he gave himself up to the feeling that was even now taking hold of him again. For now, that was all that counted.
The sound of a voice, low and hushed, wormed its way into her sleep and roused Alix. She’d never been a very heavy sleeper, and motherhood had all but destroyed her ability to blot out noises of any decibel level.
“Terrance?” She felt behind her. The emptiness made her turn.
The spot beside her was empty.
And still warm.
The next moment she realized that it was Terrance’s voice she was hearing. It sounded as if it was coming from the hallway. Was there someone in the house?
The last haze of sleep vanished. Quickly Alix got out of bed and padded over to where her robe was slung across the back of a chair. She put it on, knotting the sash as she stepped out into the hallway. She debated calling to him.
She didn’t have to. He was in the guest room. On the phone.
Terrance didn’t have to be told she was in the room. He sensed it. He only prayed he’d sensed it in time and that she hadn’t overheard anything.
“I’ll talk to you later,” he told Riley abruptly.
There was no time to explain. Terrance replaced the receiver in its cradle, breaking the connection. Turning, he gave her his most engaging smile.
“I didn’t want to wake you,” he said in response to the look on her face.
There was more to it than that, she sensed. But what? “Very considerate.” She nodded at the small pink phone. “Who were you talking to?”
“The hospital.” And then, because it made no sense for him to be calling them, he added, “They called.”
Her eyes never left his face. Why are you lying to me, Terrance? “I didn’t hear the phone.”
He walked out of the small guest room and went back to her bedroom. Alix had no choice but to follow. “That’s because they called on my pager.”
Undercover M.D. Page 14
