The Barbershop Seven

by Douglas Lindsay

  'Haw, Erin?'

  She turned towards Sergeant Ferguson, phone cupped to her ear, raised her eyebrows.

  'Your knitting needle bird's downstairs. Room Three.'

  'Thanks.'

  She turned back to her desk, hung up the phone just as it was answered. Closed the file she had on her desk, stuck it back in her tray, lifted her tea and headed downstairs.

  ***

  'You're sure you don't want a lawyer present?'

  Senga-Ann Paterson raised her eyes and stubbed the butt of her cigarette, smoked all the way to the filter, into the ashtray, then let out a long sigh.

  'I says I didn't.'

  Proudfoot nodded, studied the paper in front of her. Tried to stop herself looking at the three safety pins which dominated Paterson's nose.

  'Very well, Senga.'

  Here goes, she thought. Maybe I don't enjoy interviewing anymore either. In the wrong job, but what else was she going to do? An artists' agent, maybe. Sign that sexually deprived idiot Ferguson up as her first act. He could be a stripper or something. The Polis Plonker. The Dangling Detective. Sergeant Sausage.

  'Do you know why you've been brought in?'

  Paterson chewed some Wrigley's Juicy Fruit. Proudfoot got a whiff of it, mingled with tobacco. Delicious.

  'To give us a reward for fighting back against the tyranny of evil men?'

  Proudfoot tapped her pen. Nice try.

  'Not as such. You're here because James McGuiness has had to have a testicle removed...' – she paused for the ejaculation of laughter – 'as a result of the injury he received from a knitting needle yesterday evening.'

  Paterson laughed. Proudfoot tapped her pen on the desk.

  'It's a serious business, Senga. Aggravated assault. You could be looking at seven years in prison.'

  'No chance, missus. Not with my two weans to look after.'

  'They'll be taken into care, found foster homes.'

  Laughter was replaced by indignation. Desdemona and Chantelle were all Senga-Ann Paterson had.

  'Christ, it's not as if the muppet didn't deserve it. He's lucky I pure didn't get them both.'

  Proudfoot held the pen upside down between her second and third finger. Tapped. Had The Girl From Ipanema playing in her head. Stopped tapping before she had to arrest herself.

  'Did you stab James McGuiness in the testicle with a knitting needle on Monday evening?'

  'What? What are youse asking me that for? Youse know I stabbed him. I'd do it again, 'n all.'

  You might not want to say that to the judge, thought Proudfoot. Didn't care. She'd had enough of the likes of Senga-Ann Paterson.

  'Why did you do it?'

  Paterson fumbled another cigarette from the packet. Her white fingers shook. Nervous; bitter. She lit up, thin lips sucking. Hollow cheeks.

  'Why d'you think? He's a pure bastard. You know what he went and done?'

  'Go on.'

  Paterson opened her arms in an expansive gesture, almost setting fire to the curtain behind.

  'He went and shagged Ann-Marie.'

  'Oh.' Should have known. 'And she is...?'

  'She was my best pal. Still is, I suppose. I mean, I'm not blaming her, or nothing. James is a brilliant shag, 'n that. It's every slapper for herself out there. He shouldn't have shagged her, but.'

  'When was this?'

  'Saturday night. I'm stuck with the weans watching the telly, thinking he's down the boozer with his mates. You know, Arnie the Baptist and Bono and No Way Out and that lot. But he's not, he's snaking my best mate!'

  'How did you find out?'

  Long, nervous draw on the cigarette. The chewing gum smacked inside her mouth. As she exhaled, Proudfoot could see it through the smoke, passing between tongue and teeth.

  'Would you credit that Ann-Marie phones us up and tells us. Gallus as hell. I'm pure raging and she's talking about what a brilliant shag he is. Jesus, you think I don't know that? What else am I going to be doing with him? You think it's for his looks? You seen him?'

  'Not yet.'

  'Pure stank. Looks like yon bastard on Beauty And The Beast. You know, the big ugly cunt.'

  Proudfoot nodded. That would be the Beast, then. Couldn't get Ipanema out of her head. Started tapping the theme from Mission Impossible to try to shift it.

  'You confronted him with this?'

  Paterson rolled her eyes.

  'Pure right I did. And you know what he says? You know? He says, "There is no infidelity when there has been no love." I mean, can you believe the neck of the guy? Quoting Balzac of all people. Cheeky cunt.'

  A knock at the door. It opened. Proudfoot turned.

  'Up the stairs, Sergeant. Two minutes.'

  The door closed, Mulholland was gone.

  Proudfoot turned back to Paterson and shrugged.

  'Got to go, Senga. We can continue this later.'

  'That you getting your arse kicked?'

  Proudfoot smiled. 'I doubt it,' she said, although she wondered what was going on. Maybe she could sign Mulholland and Ferguson up as a double act. The Delinquent Dicks. The Bratwurst Brothers.

  She stood up. Said, 'Interview suspended at nine twenty-five,' and switched off the tape machine. The two women looked at each other.

  'Balzac, eh?' said Proudfoot.

  Paterson nodded. Thin face, a slight movement of the safety pins. Pink hair.

  'You might get off yet.'

  ***

  She sat across the desk from Mulholland, trying not to look at him. Annoyed at herself for finding him attractive. Had never gone for authority figures, but he was young for his position, as was she herself. Beneficiaries of the vacancies at the station, caused by the slaughter of four detectives the previous March.

  He looked up. Eyes that changed colour with the light.

  'Busy?' he asked. This was work, and he couldn't sit there feeling stupid just because he disliked her and fancied her at the same time.

  Daft question, she thought, although it was probably pointed. Couldn't remember the last time she hadn't been busy.

  'The usual crap, sir,' she said. 'Insurance fraud, assault, knitting needle in the testicle. The normal stuff.'

  Mulholland winced, said, 'Aye, I heard about that.'

  Paused, tapped the file in front of him. The poisoned chalice.

  'Something come up?' asked Proudfoot.

  Mulholland nodded slowly, a slight movement of the head.

  'Barney Thomson,' he said.

  Oh. Barney Thomson. She bit her lip; her heart beat a little faster. She knew all about Barney Thomson. Everyone in Scotland knew all about Barney Thomson. The Barber Surgeon.

  'What about him?'

  'He's ours.'

  Ours?

  'How d'you mean that exactly?'

  'Ours. Yours and mine. You and me have to find him.'

  We're not a couple, she thought. Ferguson will be pissed off. Masterson as well. Hated it when one of his DSs got taken.

  'What about Ferguson?'

  'M wants a woman on the case. We all know he's anal about the fact he's got no female DCIs. You're the closest he's got, so you're on it. With me.'

  'What about Woods? I thought it was his case?'

  Mulholland breathed deeply, stared at the floor. Felt pity for Woods. He was an idiot, but you had to give people the chance.

  'You know what M's like. Woods has had two weeks. The boss is like a football chairman whose team loses its first two league games. So, Woods is out on his ear, I'm next in line.'

  Proudfoot nodded. No surprise. She considered Woods a nice enough bloke, but effectively brain-dead. Everyone knew it. The chances of him finding a nefarious mastermind like Barney Thomson were virtually nil.

  'Is Masterson not going to be pissed off?'

  'Doubt it,' said Mulholland. 'He'll probably get Jack Hawkins, someone like that. He's a misogynist bastard anyway. He'll love having a bloke to play with instead of you.' Unconscious pun, potentially true with Masterson. 'Anyway, this is it
. The Barney Thomson file. Pop quiz, Sergeant. Thirty seconds, everything you know about the man.'

  She breathed deeply, gathered her thoughts.

  'Right. Killed his two colleagues. Don't remember their names. May have killed six others, but there's some talk of it having been his mother. Not sure.'

  Mulholland tapped the file again. 'The mother's looking favourite. Least, that's what Woods has come up with. Whatever, if she killed them, it was the son who disposed of the bodies.'

  She nodded, presumed she was expected to pick up the story. 'He made it look as if one of the guys he worked with was the killer. Porter, that was it. Left all the other bodies to be found, disposed of his. The investigating officers at the time all thought they were looking for Porter. And they all ended up dead.'

  'Aye, bloody right they did. Besides Loch Lubnaig...'

  'Which is where Porter's body turned up two weeks ago.'

  'Exactly. So, did those four officers shoot each other as the inquest found, or did Barney Thomson do it?'

  She shook her head. Looked down. She'd liked Robert Holdall, had had a brief thing with Stuart MacPherson.

  'It's all circumstantial, though,' she said. 'Has Woods produced anything solid?'

  'Everything he's got is right here, but nothing concrete. All we have to go on is that the minute Porter's body was found and Woods turned up to interview him, Thomson did an OJ Simpson. We need to find him.'

  She nodded. Sounded right. You don't run unless you've got something to run from. She'd been avoiding reading the papers, avoiding talking about him at the station. She had enough crime in her life without adding to it. But sooner or later it had been bound to come her way.

  'Where do we start?'

  Mulholland pushed the file towards her across the desk.

  'You start by having a look at this. Take your time. Later on this morning we'll go and talk to the wife. Agnes. See what she's got to say for herself. You never know with these people. After that we're going to Inverness. Thomson withdrew money from a machine up there on the first evening he went missing. That's just about all we've got.'

  'Surely Woods went up there. The locals must've looked into it?'

  Mulholland sat back, shrugged. 'Aye, but not the Chief Super's latest all-star crime-fighting duo.'

  'Brilliant. Batman and Batgirl.'

  'Aye.'

  They stared across the desk at one another. Tried to ignore the singular mixture of contempt and attraction. Enough complications in life without having that kind of thing getting in the way.

  'Right then. Get back to the Batdesk and read up on this guy before we go after him.'

  Proudfoot lifted the file; their eyes met across the desk. A moment, nothing said, and she turned and walked from the room.

  The door closed, Mulholland was left alone in silence. A crap job; a miserable wife; dumped with Barney Thomson; landed with Erin Proudfoot. He sat in the same chair that a year earlier had been occupied by Robert Holdall, and felt Holdall's ghost crawl slowly down his spine.

  Drama At Patagonia Heights

  'But, Bleach! Surely you knew that Wade was married to Heaven before he fell in love with Summer? That was why Solace left Fox for Flint before she ran off with Lane!'

  Bleach staggered; her hands covered her eyes. Oh, what a fool she'd been! All those years loving Wade, all those years denying Zephros, which had finally forced him into the arms of Saffron, only to discover that Dale had been lying about his relationship with Leaf and that Moonshine had given birth to River's baby, Persephone.

  Bleach leant back against the hard kitchen table – the table where once she had been loved by Bacon. Her eyes glazed over, she began to sob. Her chest heaved, her lips contorted, the late morning sun shafting in through the ornate New England window highlighted the grey hairs in her fringe. Tears streamed down her cheeks, great rivers of water, turning her face into a cruel burlesque of Angel Falls.

  Through the flood she stared at Taylor, the bearer of bad news. Never shoot the messenger, wasn't that the cliché? Well, damn them, thought Bleach. Damn all messengers!

  Slowly, with unbearable tension, she pulled the .7mm Beretta from her pocket. She aimed directly at Taylor's heart. Taylor gasped.

  'Why, Bleach!' she exclaimed. 'This is so unlike you. Have you seen your therapist today?'

  'Hah!' blurted Bleach. 'Eat dirt, Bitchface!'

  And, with the credits rolling at the close of the most exciting episode of Herniated Disc Ward B in living memory, as the gun had begun to shake in Bleach's trembling hands, the doorbell rang. Agnes Thomson stared at the door, heaved a long sigh.

  'Jings oh,' she said. 'Not a moment's peace in two weeks.'

  She pressed stand-by. The television blinked and fizzed to the dead grey screen. It was another twenty minutes before the start of Patagonia Heights; however, as with all the other shows to which she was addicted, the magic had evaporated from what had previously been an ecstatic forty-three minutes.

  She opened the door to a man in his late thirties, a woman a little younger. Police. Written all over them. The latest in a long line. The man held forward his badge.

  'Detective Chief Inspector Mulholland. This is Detective Sergeant Proudfoot. Mrs Thomson?'

  Agnes Thomson nodded. Had long since tired of telling these people where to go. Understood that the only way to get rid of them quickly was to co-operate. The quicker they realised she knew nothing of her husband's whereabouts, the quicker they moved on.

  'Come in,' she said, voice weary. Her life had changed in ways she had not imagined. Not in her worst nightmares.

  Proudfoot and Mulholland followed her into the flat, through the small hall into the lounge, a room smelling of a warm and dusty television. She sat down, indicated the sofa. They looked around the room as they took their seats. An untidy room; dust on the tables, a collection of cups and plates beside Agnes's seat. The seat from which she sat and watched soap after pointless soap. Catastrophe Road blending into Bougainvillea Plateau blending into Penile Emergency Ward 8.

  Proudfoot felt the instant depression. Rarely failed to be depressed when she visited someone else's house in the course of her duties. She'd read the reports, believed that Agnes Thomson knew nothing of her husband's murderous activities or his present location. This was a duty call.

  Mulholland recognised a life in tatters. Was not to know that this had been an empty life even before Agnes Thomson had discovered that her husband butchered human flesh.

  'I realise you've spoken to many of my colleagues, Mrs Thomson,' said Mulholland. 'We're new to the case, we have to go over everything again, see if there's been something missed.'

  Agnes smiled. A rare moment of insight. 'Can't find him, eh? Kicked that muppet Woods off the case? Not surprised. Yon eejit couldn't find shite in a sewer.'

  Mulholland stared at the carpet, Proudfoot tried not to laugh. Woods in a nutshell.

  'Could you tell us about the last time you saw your husband?' asked Mulholland. Didn't look her in the eye. Picturing Woods up to his thighs in water, wearing industrial gloves and a gas mask, searching for elusive faeces.

  She had answered the question many times, the words a well-practised monotone. Just refused to tell it to the newspapers, and finally they had given up camping on her doorstep.

  'That Tuesday morning. About eight o'clock. I was eating breakfast, watching the telly. It was the final episode of Calamity Bay, you know. I'd taped it from the night before, 'cause I was watching Only The Young Die Young.'

  'Oh, aye, I saw that episode,' said Proudfoot. 'The one where Curaçao had the sex change operation so she could impregnate Gobnat.'

  Agnes nodded. Didn't smile in recognition.

  'Barney?' said Mulholland, trying to reclaim the conversation.

  Proudfoot shook her head. 'No, Barney wanted to marry New Orleans, but she was engaged to Flipper.'

  A pause. Pursed lips. A raised eyebrow.

  'Oh,' said Proudfoot.

  'Your husband,
Mrs Thomson?'

  Agnes didn't need to think.

  'We didn't say much at breakfast,' she said. 'In fact, we didn't say anything at breakfast. Never did. Didn't talk much, that was just us.'

  Go and see the wife again, M had told him. Woods might have missed something.

  Mulholland nodded. There was nothing to miss. Wondered if the rest of the investigation would mirror this moment. Asking questions already asked, receiving well-trodden answers. A pointless round, an unbroken circle. At some stage he would be kicked off the carousel and some other poor bastard would be put in charge. That was how these things went. Thomson might have just disappeared, never to be heard from again.

  'There was nothing different that morning? No casual comment, he didn't pack a bag? Eat a little more than usual, wear different clothes? Anything?'

  'Tell you he was going to Bermuda and that he'd never see you again?' added Proudfoot. Drew a look from Mulholland.

  Agnes shook her head. The same old questions, put in the same old way. The futile circle.

  A thought occurred. She put her fingers to her mouth, stared at the ceiling. A vague light came to her eye.

  'You know, now that I finally think about it, I think he might've said something about whether he needed a visa for to go to the Seychelles. Aye, I think it was that.'

  Proudfoot and Mulholland leant forward, curious. It couldn't be this easy.

  'The Seychelles?' said Mulholland. 'Are you sure?'

  Agnes looked a little unsure, then said, 'I think so. Maybe it was Saltcoats.'

  A pause.

  'You're taking the piss,' said Mulholland.

  'You are a detective.'

  Mulholland kept the expletive in check.

  'This is a serious business, Mrs Thomson. Very serious. Your husband stands accused—'

  'Look, I know fine well what he stands accused of, all right? It's my life, not yours. But I know nothing about it, nothing about where he is now. I've told fifty of you. Would you just please leave me alone?'

  They sat and stared at one another. There were other questions to be asked, but Mulholland knew there was little point. And of all the people who would've suffered through the previous two weeks of hysterical press speculation, Agnes Thomson would have suffered more than anyone. The husband disappears, the wife is left behind to face the music.