by Jen Minkman
“Who is this?”
“Enna Buwalda, Sir.” Fear constricts my throat. Do they have my name on file as one of the dissidents that was thrown into prison by now? Does news spread that fast in Upper? I have no idea. The silence stretches until I can no longer bear it. “Hello?” I say timidly.
Another full ten seconds elapse before the disembodied voice addresses me again. “Mr. Royce is presently indisposed,” it tells me. “Can I take a message?”
You coward. My anger flares up again. What right does he have to be indisposed? He wasn’t dragged off to prison a few hours ago with stains of blood on his face. “He has something that belongs to me,” I blurt out before I can stop myself. “And I want it back.”
“One moment, please.”
Maybe that will make him come out. I don’t even care about the record anymore – I just want to see him. Holding my breath and forcing back my tears, I peer at the front door. The elation I feel when it actually swings open should embarrass me, but to hell with my pride. My stomach lurches as someone comes out and starts walking down the drive, but my shoulders slump when I see it is an unfamiliar man who is approaching the gates.
“Is this what you were looking for?” he says, his eyes skimming over my haggard appearance with a mixture of incredulity and mild disapproval. Reaching out, he hands me the Jyoti LP.
Royce is too afraid to come out and face me himself. He’d rather give up this music than talk to me face to face. The realization punches me in the gut and leaves me feeling so empty that I could scream just to fill the void. “No,” I say, my voice unsteady. “He can keep that. He no longer has what I’m looking for.”
With those words, I turn around and leave.
The ride home seems to take forever. All energy has drained out of me. It’s over. The tiny ray of sunshine lighting up my life is gone, and I’m back to the way things were. Except, they can never be the same.
Without thinking, I take a left turn toward Stortum. A part of me longs to see the cottage one last time, empty and dark like a distant memory. The vacant buildings of this ruined village are emblematic of a much bigger emptiness in my heart. Of course, he isn’t here, but I knock on the door all the same.
“Royce,” I finally scream against the lacquered wood, “you’re an asshole!” As long as I keep screaming, I won’t have to cry.
Wordlessly, I pass my grandmother, father, and brother in the kitchen when I get home at last.
“Don’t you want a hot drink?” Grandma Antje says quietly.
I turn around and smile at her. “I’m all right, Gramps,” I say, but of course I’m lying. I’m far from all right.
“Enna,” Sytse addresses me gently, imploringly grabbing my hand. “It’s for the best. Believe me. They’re the enemy, and the sooner you understand that, the better.”
I’ve never thought of the Currents that way, but I can understand my brother in this case. I’m not their biggest fan, either. “If they’re really the enemy, then why are they willing to share St. Brandan’s Fire with us?” I mumble.
“They’re not sharing.”
“But they’re protecting us from the Nixen,” I counter.
It’s my grandmother who speaks next in a fierce tone of voice. “There was a time before the Anglians came. And in that time, we didn’t need Brandan to protect us.”
“No? So what did we do? Throw our weakest members to the waves to keep the monsters at bay?”
Her brown eyes, so much like my mother’s and mine, soften. “Enna, dear. Of course not. What a silly notion. That’s not the way of the Skylgers.”
Royce and his stupid comments. “So what was our way?” I whisper. “What did we used to do?”
My question is met by silence, as expected. “We will find out,” Sytse says at last. He searches my eyes. “Will you help us?”
His trust in me almost chokes me up. “I don’t know,” I reply softly. “I need to deal with stuff first.” Giving him no time to ask me any more questions, I stalk over to my bedroom door and retreat into my little safe haven before I melt into inevitable tears.
The next morning, I wake up with red-rimmed eyes and a sore throat. I have no idea how to ‘deal with stuff’. As I stare back at my face drooping with fatigue in the mirror, I try not to feel sorry for myself.
The albatross is back. Its beady, honey-colored eyes observe me with innocent curiosity when I open the window and peer outside. It’s overcast, which matches my mood perfectly. Right now, I couldn’t stand blue skies and a bright sun.
“Fuck school,” I mutter. I don’t want to talk to anyone. Chances are they’ll even call off school today until the mayor has done some damage control. Last night’s drama will have set tongues wagging, and he’s going to want to make sure there’s nothing to talk about by denouncing Twarres’s claims. In order to pull that off, he’ll want to stop people from clustering together. And what better place for gossip-eager upstarts to gather than high school?
It’s early. I only realize this by the time I’ve taken a shower and go to the kitchen to eat something. Nobody is up yet.
In the back of my mind, I can still hear Jyoti’s mysterious, melodic words. “No longer chased, we embraced,” I softly sing to myself. But the memory of Royce turning his back on me will forever follow me around. Unthinking, I open the front door and stroll into the garden without even putting on my shoes, past the path connecting the outer houses of Stortum, up the dyke, and beyond – I dip my bare feet into the cold water of the sea. I don’t need rubber boots today. I don’t need to eat today. I wish I could hunt for oblivion and scoop up my own tiny bit of private nothingness in a fishing net.
Clenching my hands into fists, I start to run down the sands leading to my secret cave – my refuge away from the world. Except it isn’t anymore. I let the world in and risked breaking my heart in doing so, because I believed life would be good to me.
“Why?” I scream against the wind that has picked up around me, tossing my dark hair in my face. “Why are you such a jerk?” I whisper to the guy who can’t hear me.
Before I know it, I’m at the entrance of the tunnel leading to the grotto. I go down the steps and plunge myself into the darkness of the narrow passageway, almost tripping in my haste to get to the cave looking out over the endless sea. My angry footfalls echo in the corridor like frantic beats on a drum. Even in my anger, I can’t stop hearing music – it causes the blood to rush hotly in my veins and makes me want to punch the wall until my knuckles bleed.
Shivering, I sink down to my haunches and embrace my knees, resting my chin on my arms. I can feel them out there, so eager to welcome me and take the pain away. The Nixen are singing, and I no longer want to close myself off to be safe. In this world, no one is safe anyway.
I wince when I register the pain of my fingernails digging into my palms. My anger is fleeting, and the rage of before turns into such deep grief that I dissolve into tears, the salty water running down my cheeks an echo of the briny waters out there, calling to me.
I don’t know how long I sit there, curled up into a sad ball. I just know that at some point, the beating of my heart matches the ancient rhythm of the sea. My breath falters when I hear them, far out there but so close to my soul. Eerie, mesmerizing, seductive. Their song sounds like heaven. Otherworldly voices, laced with the promise of sweet forgetfulness. I’ve never felt their presence as strongly as I do now.
Blinking against the light, I hesitantly stretch out my stiff legs, then my arms, before crawling over to the water’s edge. The blue looks so inviting. So – tempting.
Is this what my mom felt when she ventured out too far, once upon a time?
Somehow, I sense the Sirens’ promise that all pain will end if only I give in to their call. I know everything will end.
With a shaky sigh, I plunge my feet into the water. My legs follow, then my upper body, and then I submerge myself completely. The waves close over my head and my clothes turn heavy with the weight of the sea.
&
nbsp; Under water, the Nixen’s song sounds muffled, yet even more enthralling. And it’s warm here – I feel much warmer than I expected. I open my eyes, the sting of the salt making me gasp for breath.
But I can’t breathe.
The sea fills my lungs. The Sirens’ call fills my ears.
Longing floods my entire being.
I want to go to my mother. She’ll keep me safe and protected and chase the monsters away. All I need to do is to let go and give in.
It’s very easy.
17.
I have untied all knots
done away with illusions
turned off the lies of the world.
no more troubled thoughts
no confusion
God fell silently from the heavens,
and all music stopped.
I can assure you:
no-one will save me now.
18.
Cold.
All those voices. Why are people shouting?
A flashy, blue light near my face, seeping through my closed eyelids.
“Oh my God, Enna,” he says. “You’re awake.”
It’s him.
Royce.
And then I realize it isn’t just people shouting. The Nixen alarm is blaring all across our island with a distorted warble. They must have pumped up the volume. The sound of sirens tells me that there’s been an attack. And I’m lying on the beach completely drenched in salty water from the deep.
His warm hand on mine. “Hang on,” he says. “We’ll get you to a hospital.”
When I finally find the strength to open my eyes and look up at him, I’m so happy to see his face that I burst into tears.
“You came,” I sob. “You came back for me.”
Darkness is covering the sands around us. I must have been in the water for hours.
“I’m so sorry,” Royce says, his voice hoarse. “I’m such a coward.”
“Yeah.” I nod feebly. “Yes, you are.”
He rubs his eyes with a tired gesture and doesn’t say anything to that.
“Do you really want him here?” It’s my brother’s voice. Only now do I notice him and Dad standing behind Royce, joined by a bunch of gawkers from our little village.
“Sytse,” I breathe. “How did you guys find me?”
“He came round to talk to you,” Sytse says, his voice trembling – with anger or fear, I can’t tell. “We didn’t know where you were, but he had an idea. Told us about your grotto. He saw you bobbing around in the high tide and dragged you out of the water – after getting you so desperate you were ready to drown yourself first, of course.”
“He – saved me?” I croak.
Sytse shakes his head. “You’re very weak. You’re not out of danger yet.”
“I called in an ambulance,” Royce says in his defense, pointing to the source of the bright, blue light shining in my eyes. “You’ll be all right. We’re taking you to Upper.”
“But...” I can’t help but protest. “I’m not supposed to go there.”
“We have the best doctors.”
“I’m not allowed to ride the ambulance.”
He barks out a laugh. “I don’t care.”
“They’ll – know you’re with me,” I whisper.
“I don’t care,” Royce repeats, grabbing my hand once more. “Did I do this? Did I push you to...” He doesn’t finish.
I bite my lip. Truth is, I don’t remember. Sure, I was upset and angry with him, but I never meant to go out to the grotto to be taken away by the Nixen. Somehow, they got to me. Too many of them came too close to the island and their voices lured me in. They even set off the alarm in Brandaris. By all accounts I should be dead – and yet, somehow they didn’t kill me.
That’s when I remember.
“She’s out there,” I mutter, my eyes widening. “Sytse – listen to me.”
My brother frowns. “What?”
“Mom.” I swallow hard. “Her soul. I could feel it. They’ve kept it. She’s not gone.” I turn to Royce. “And neither is your mother.”
Something flickers in his eyes. “Ssh,” he comforts me, stroking my cold face. “You’re hallucinating because you’re in shock. I’m going to call the nurses to put you on the stretcher, okay?”
I nod, even though I know he’s wrong. Out there in the water, I learned something important.
I have come back from the dead, and I’m carrying a message for the living.
The trip in the ambulance goes by in a blur. Too bad, because I’ve always wondered what it would be like to make a trip in a motorized vehicle, but now I sort of doze through the whole experience. Royce and Sytse are sitting on either side of me, both holding one of my hands. They won’t look at each other.
I bet Sytse is itching to hit Royce in the face, but he can’t really do that since Royce personally arranged this Current ride for me and made sure they’d treat me in the Upper hospital. To be honest, I won’t put it past myself – hitting Royce in the face at some point, I mean. He’s been an absolute, horrid bastard and he shouldn’t think he can buy his way out of a nasty fight by getting me an ambulance after my near-drowning. But it helps, and I am embarrassingly glad to see him. He actually came by in Kinnum to talk to me, and he set out to look for me together with Heit and Sytse. It makes me all glowy inside to know that he cares for me after all.
“Royce?” I squeak, after they’ve wheeled me into a spacious, private hospital room, tucked me into bed, and drummed up a few other nurses to hook me up to a bag that they called an IV drip.
“Yeah?” He puts a hand on my forehead.
“Will you stay with me?” It sounds like I’m asking him for more than to just sit at my bedside. From the corner of the room, I can see Sytse shaking his head in frustration.
“Of course.” His face falls. “I can’t believe you still want me to stick around after I – well, I betrayed your trust.”
“Why did you?” My voice sounds small.
“I didn’t know what to do when those fights erupted. The way Skylgers and Currents were pitted against each other by Mayor Edison. And then you came by my house and I just didn’t know what to tell my family. I panicked.” He hung his head. “I know I ruined things between us.”
I bite my lip. “Well, you damaged things. Doesn’t mean we can’t try to rebuild.”
His blue eyes light up with a spark of hope. “I’d love that.”
“Me too.” I look up at him and suddenly feel so very tired that I can’t stop myself from yawning in his face.
“She should rest,” Sytse says, and Royce nods wearily.
“I won’t go to sleep if you leave,” I say stubbornly. “You have to stay – both of you.”
“Well, that’s gonna be awkward,” Sytse states rather bluntly, shooting Royce such a cold glare that I cringe.
“You don’t pull any punches, do you?” Royce replies a bit sourly.
“Nope.”
“I can see where Enna gets her argumentative side.”
This makes me snicker a little. “Play nice,” I mumble drowsily, closing my eyes. “Sytse, why don’t you tell Royce a bit more about Tesla’s invention? He cares about the island – about all of us living here. You can trust him.”
It’s weird – even though Royce trampled all over my heart, I know I can rely on him to do the right thing when it comes to the future of both our people. The way he talked about keeping the Nixen out for good, that first time we met up, is on my mind. He just might be ready to change our world.
I know I am.
That night, I sleep soundly through all the commotion in Brandaris. Later, Sytse tells me how they warded off a Siren attack that night by letting the Brandaris Tower shine full-blast. It’s almost as though the NIxen are in cahoots with Mayor Edison, trying to prove that the Skylgers can’t survive without the Currents and their magical light. The joint effort to keep the merfolk away from our shores also helps in settling the tension of the night before. But it doesn’t erase the even
ts from memory. In a way, Sytse was right – people need to know what our world might look like one day, and things like that can’t be expected to happen without setback or argument.
Royce is there when I wake up, feeding me a salty kind of porridge for breakfast and quietly talking about what happened in town after Twarres’s fateful performance. When he finally runs out of things to say about the outside world, I ask him: “What will happen to us?”
He looks at his hand still holding my spoon. “I’ll have to lay low for a while. I mean, people know I brought you in. I told them it was because I saved you and knew your life was in danger when I dragged you out of the water.”
“So you’re still not brave enough to tell them the truth about me,” I conclude bitterly.
“I am.” He looks up. “Look, you make me think about things. In a way that rocks my world and forces me to reconsider everything I’ve been taught was true.”
I smile faintly. “Good to know.”
“And just so you know, Sytse talked to me for hours last night,” he rushes on. “About Tesla, and about other things he’s been busy with. By now I want to know what the world would look like without our monopoly on energy. I want to know if what the Currents say is actually true.” He rakes a hand through his hair, ruffling it and reminding me of the fact that I found him irresistible before he hurt me like hell. “And your brother wants me to help both you and him. For that, my own people can’t know I’ve changed. I can’t show them that you and me are friends. More than friends. You know how that will end – the Currents have to trust me.”
I slowly nod. “That makes sense.”
He smiles gingerly, taking my hand in his. “I hope you can do the same.”
“Do what?” I frown.
“Trust me.”
I keep quiet for a very long time. Although I feel I can trust him when it comes to doing the right thing, I can’t stop my broken heart from smarting.
“Eventually,” I say at long last.
Royce nods, letting out a sigh. “I’m happy to hear that.”
And then, we just sit there, quietly getting used to each other’s company again. It’s time to rebuild – and I suspect the result will be worth waiting for.
