by Dee Bridle
I used the moment to take a deep breath and get my head straight. I was wild when I was full of alcohol and could turn my emotions off. Now I was standing here like a vulnerable girl, coated in unsureness. I looked over at the coffee table and saw a joint that Will had obviously left. As the taps turned off, I went over and lit it up, taking a long drag. I needed a little numbness. I needed to take the edge off the disquiet in my head.
He came over to me as I exhaled a stream of smoke, checking his phone that had just beeped. I watched him read the message and then reply back to whoever it was. It could have been a long-standing booty call for all I knew. I didn’t want to be jealous, because who the hell knew what was happening between us? I took another drag and let the smoke burn and roll around in my lungs. I exhaled it slowly, watching him toe off his converse sneakers in the middle of the room as he typed another response.
“Booty call?” I asked, the words just hurling out of my mouth before I could stop them.
His eyes set on me and narrowed instantly.
“Forget I said that,” I mumbled turning to put the joint out in the ashtray.
“Did you love him?” he asked in return.
It took a moment for me to realize he was talking about Sean.
“Hell, no. I don’t love anyone,” I said, still facing the ashtray.
He was silent, letting my words float between us.
I felt in limbo. He had wanted more just before, but now he seemed like he was giving me an out. I could have easily yawned and said goodnight, ending it there. I wanted to know why he wasn’t touching me and leading me back to his bedroom to finish what we had started outside the club and in the cab.
“Why did you come back to the club tonight?” I asked next.
“I never left.”
“Oh.”
I turned to face him and saw that he didn’t have his phone with him. Now, all of his attention was on me.
“I watched you walk over to Sean, watched you down shots, and then watched you dance in the middle of a crowd of horny metal try-hards. Then I saw the guy trying to dance with you. I did everything I could to hold myself back from ending him,” he said, pushing some of my hair over my shoulder. “Then my little vixen got her own fists out and smacked him one. It was the fucking hottest thing I’ve seen.”
“The hottest?” I asked, not even trying to hide my smile.
“Got so hard, it hurt,” he said cupping my face.
“And what about now?”
“Hard as stone and doing times tables in my head to stop myself from finishing what we’ve only just started.”
I licked my lips and said, “I always sucked at times tables.”
“I’ll teach you them,” he murmured, leaning down and capturing my lips.
His kisses were teasing, playing on my already frazzled emotions. His arms went around me, pulling me against him hard, in direct conflict with his lips.
I didn’t wait another moment as I started to step backwards, pulling him with me towards his room. If he liked his little vixen, then that was what he was going to get. Once we were inside, I clicked the door shut behind me and then pushed myself into him as his hands pulled me to him at the same time. Our lips crashed against each while our bodies were ravenous for each other’s touch.
He hungrily drove his tongue into my mouth as his hands explored me, squeezing my breast over my top and trailing a hot firm path over my ribs. I tried to turn us around so his back was against the wall, but he took control and put me there instead. His firm strong hands trailed over my body, feeling every inch.
I needed to take control. I wanted to please him. His hands were messing with my head as they touched every place that had been dead before him. I had to detach before I lost everything.
I managed to turn and push him against the wall, at the same time as I moved down to his finely chiseled abs and stomach. I greedily licked at him, travelling around his tattoos as my hands caressed him. His eyes were hooded and his breathing heavy as he watched my every lick, my tongue going down further. His hand went to my hair and tangled up in it as I licked at him. I spent time around his hip, taking my time, licking near his waistband.
I got to his jeans and knew what I wanted to do. I knew I had tequila and dope in my veins, so I would be able to go through with it. It helped to numb the memories and almost make them disappear.
My fingers undid his belt and jeans and I shoved them down, my eyes resting on the large bulge in his underwear. I teased him as I started to kiss and lick my way back up his chest, his stomach moving in and out quickly with his heavy breathing. I smiled to myself, enjoying that he was like this because of me.
I stood back up and reached his mouth, licking inside his mouth and meeting his tongue. His hands moved firmly down my body and pulled me against his erection as we kissed. My hand snuck its way back down there and slipped inside his underwear. I felt the hot hardness as he took a sharp intake of breath.
His hand went under my T-shirt, caressing over my bra and squeezing me. He pulled my top up and I lifted my arms to let him pull it off. Our mouths meshed together again, and he lifted me slightly off the floor and led me over to the bed. His hand went to undo my bra behind my back, and I shook my head and moved his hand away.
“What’s the matter?” he breathed.
“Nothing,” I gulped. “I just want tonight to be about you.”
“Those perfect tits of yours are about me,” he breathed, kissing me again.
I shook my head and whispered, “Just lie down.”
He kicked his jeans off the rest of the way and then sat down on the bed in front of me, his hands smoothing up my jean covered thighs and to my waist. He undid my jeans and then kissed my stomach, softly biting my skin around my hips before he made his way up to my ribs as he pulled my jeans down. I grabbed onto my silk underwear and left them on as I kicked off my jeans, his tongue and hands travelling up to my bra.
I straddled him and pushed him back onto the bed, kissing him hungrily again, feeling his excitement against me.
“You’re so beautiful,” he whispered against my lips as his hands travelled over me.
“Just lay back and enjoy,” I whispered as I made my way down his chest again.
He watched me intently as I kissed and licked at him before I slowly pulled his underwear down. His large member sprung free, and I took it in my hand, feeling his breathing change.
“Ivy,” he whispered, before I took him into my mouth and sucked.
He swore and groaned at the same time as he watched me. I smiled from his excitement, loving that I was making this amazing guy feel like this. His muscles flexed with the pleasure, and I concentrated on doing the best I could do.
“Jesus, Ivy,” he groaned. “Fuck,” he said next as his hand tangled up into my hair, trying to control the deepness and rhythm.
I closed my eyes, enjoying his taste and the passion, concentrating on doing the best I could do. He was so big and hard, I used my hand as well as my mouth, hearing him groan.
“You need to stop,” he groaned, his hand tightening in my hair. “I’m going to come.”
I kept going, running my tongue along him before enclosing him again inside my mouth. His hips moved, wanting to go deeper and I took all of him, bringing him to a groaning end. He shuddered in ecstasy, and I eventually released him from my mouth.
“Fuck,” he moaned again, breathing heavy with his eyes closed.
I wiped my mouth and a dark memory hit me. Tears came to my eyes as guilt, darkness, and despair flooded through me. I could smell and taste him. I felt the fear and disgust strangle me, and I gasped as I pulled back from him. The alcohol and dope hadn’t worked. Fuck.
“Ivy?”
I shook my head and moved back further in panic, falling off the edge of the bed onto the floor.
“What the fuck?” he exclaimed, quickly getting up and helping me off the floor.
“Don’t touch me,” I gasped, pushing him away.
&nbs
p; “Ivy, seriously, what’s going on?” he whispered, crouching down in front of me.
I scooted backwards until my back was against the wall and I refused to look at him.
“Fuck,” he said grabbing his jeans and pulling them up. “I thought it was what you wanted to happen,” he said running his hand through his hair. “You should have told me that you didn’t want me to come like that.”
I felt him pace the room and I shook my head and then covered my face. How could I explain that I was completely fucked up. Ruined. Forever.
“I did want you to,” I whispered, pulling my knees up.
I felt the hot tears on my face and angrily wiped at them.
“Don’t cry,” he whispered crouching back down in front of me but not touching me. “Tell me what’s going on.”
“I told you, I’m fucked up,” I whispered, hiding my face.
“So, what we just did…you wanted it to happen, right?” he asked softly.
I nodded with a shudder and said, “I wanted to do it.”
He watched me for a moment, but I didn’t look up at him. I was ashamed.
He moved and sat down next to me with his back to the wall as well. He still didn’t touch me, but the anguish coming from him made me want to cry even more.
“I am a head case,” I sobbed softly.
“You’re a beautiful head case,” he returned quietly.
I gave a half smile and wiped my eyes.
“I’m not. Once you see the real me, you will want nothing to do with me.”
“Is this the real you now?”
I sobbed a little more, hiding my face.
“I don’t know anymore.”
“Well, from what I’ve seen, I still want more,” he said quietly. “You can’t get rid of me that easily.”
I gave another half-smile but still didn’t meet his eyes.
“Did Sean…hurt you?” he asked next. “Because I’ll go and burn down his shop right now if he did.”
I shook my head and said, “I was hurt before him. Sean was someone who I could blur the pain with. He never got to meet the real me. I just drank and got high with him and shared his bed for a while.”
“So the hurt…was sexual?” he asked next.
Panic gripped my throat, and I tried to swallow.
He heard my answer in my silence and rested his head in his hands, gripping his hair with unrest.
“And what you just did to me was a part of it?”
I sobbed and hid my face in my knees. I felt like I was being ripped open.
“How old?” he asked.
“Young,” I gasped.
“For how long?” he whispered.
“Long enough,” I said, not wanting to say anything more.
He had just gotten me to say more than anyone else had ever done before.
“Fuck,” he breathed.
I quickly changed the subject.
“Why didn’t Sean fight you? He never retreats, ever. What does that tattoo mean?”
He put his arm out, and we both looked at the tattoo in question.
“Remember when I said I was in an underground fighting ring? There are only a few of us who have this tattoo. It shows your allegiance and the grading it represents.”
“So you and Zac were the top fighters?”
“For a few years. We both had father issues.”
I nodded and said, “So Sean sees that and knows he will get his ass whipped if he fights you?”
He chuckled softly and said, “I guess.”
“And those other guys knew this and still wanted to fight you?”
“Some like to see if I’m the real deal,” he answered.
“So you really are a big bad ass,” I stated quietly.
I took his hand in mine and gently smoothed his bruised and cut knuckles.
“When I want to be,” he returned. “On the other days, I’m just a superhero.”
I kissed his bruised hand, closed my eyes, and tried to right the turmoil in my head. He had learned about a dark part of me tonight and was still sitting beside me.
“So, you knew about Sean before tonight,” I stated.
They all knew his name, and he mentioned before about his shop. I remembered Ava telling me that Zac and Noah knew everything.
His eyebrows knitted together and he said, “Yes.”
“You’ve looked into me,” I stated.
“Yes.”
I took a gulp of air and let his hand go.
“What else did you find?”
“Nothing much. You don’t exist.”
“You always look into all your girls?”
“No, you’re the first. And you’re not just any girl,” he said taking my hand in both of his.
He trailed his finger over the tattoo on my wrist, outlining it over and over again.
“And the father issues? You still have them?” I asked.
“I do, a full fucking bag of them,” he huffed.
“Is he a horrible man?”
“When he wants to be, but it’s always done with a smile on his face and always just to me.”
“He wants you to be like your brother.”
“That pretty much sums it up—the perfect brother that he sees in his eyes.”
“I’m glad you’re not,” I said softly.
He chuckled and said, “Me, too, believe me.”
“I think you’re the best guy I’ve ever met,” I said starting to quietly cry again.
“Come here,” he whispered, putting his arm around my shoulders and pulling me to him.
He kissed the top of my head and let out a sigh.
“So, you still want me here?” I asked after a while.
“Every night, in my bed,” he confirmed instantly.
My heart warmed, and I closed my eyes and snuggled further into him. He was going to be my undoing; the only one who could open up my dead heart.
“So, when the time’s right, you’re going to tell me who it is, right?”
I swallowed down a lump of fear and said, “It doesn’t matter. The damage has been done.”
“And now damage needs to be done to him.”
“Haven’t you already saved me enough? You don’t want to get involved in this. He’s not some seedy drug addict,” I whispered. “He’s…untouchable.”
“Everyone has an Achilles heel.”
“Oh, yeah? What’s yours, then?”
He smiled and said, “You.”
Chapter Twelve
Noah
I went to class the next day, stopping in the hallway as Zac answered my call.
“Hey, what’s up?”
“I need to know about her father, uncle, or a brother we don’t know about; any fucking douche who was around her when she was really young.”
“So she admits she’s Emily Heatherton?”
“I haven’t asked her yet, but I need more information like where this Emily lived, and who was around her at the time.”
“On it,” said Zac ending the call.
Ivy
We spent the rest of the week going to classes, coming home, and spending time together. Everyone had seemed to make themselves scarce, and I hadn’t seen Will or Zac all week. I had lunch with Ava most days at college and she had put it down to everyone being busy, but I knew they had probably been warned away.
Noah seemed extra attentive, wanting to be with me, and I enjoyed having him to myself. I had somehow just slipped into an easy happy life. I was no longer running to a job at night and then living off two hours sleep before I started class again. I no longer went without food, with Noah feeding me at home as much as he could and paying for my lunches with Ava at college. I no longer slept in a sleeping bag on the hard floor. I spent my nights in a large soft bed with a guy with hard abs and a warm heart. Every night I felt his strength next to me and I took some for myself, slowly trying to heal my insides.
He never pushed for anything more after that night and bed was for sleeping. We kissed every chanc
e we got, but we kept it at that. I knew he wanted more, and I believed I did, too. I just didn’t want to freak out again. Baring one’s soul was hard enough once, let alone twice in a week.
He didn’t ask any more questions about my past. I didn’t know if my brain would allow me to unlock the answers, because I had tried so hard for so long to block it all.
* * *
On Friday night, I gave in to Ava and let her take me out on another girl’s night. Zac was apparently busy with work, which I still didn’t quite understand what he did, but I knew it was top secret and obviously illegal. I kept quiet knowing it was for me to know when they were ready to tell me. I was still new to the group, and I had to earn their trust.
We went to three different clubs and had a few drinks at each one. We checked guys out again and giggled our way through the night, without a care in the world other than having fun.
I took photos of us and sent them to Noah throughout the night, flirting with him. One of the photos had me posing with a massively muscled bartender with a smile, and Noah warned that he would come and get me if he touched me again. I loved the flirtation and possessiveness. Once we arrived at the third club, I decided that I wanted to go home. I wanted Noah. I wanted to be in his arms and feel happy and safe.
At about 3:00 a.m., we left the club and waited for a cab. In no time, Ava gave a little squeal as Zac pulled up in front of us. It was a nice surprise for her, and it only made me want to get home faster.
They dropped me off at Noah’s with Ava making me promise that we would do this again next week. I promised and almost stumbled up the steps of Noah’s place in my haste to get to him.
As I went inside, he looked up from his laptop across the room and gave me a tired smile.
“Hey, you,” he said.
Whether it was the fact he had waited up for me or looked so delicious, I couldn’t stop myself from quickly closing the front door behind me. I strode over, my heels clicking on the floorboards. Mid-stride, I threw my small bag on the couch. Another couple of steps, I slipped my coat off, revealing my short black dress. It had been Ava’s idea, and the first time in years I had worn one. I flung my coat on the couch, and I caught his slight grin as he looked me over in appreciation.
