by T A. McKay
I pull back abruptly, leaving him swaying as I take away my body. I don’t even look back as I walk out of his room. I walk down the corridor and grab my jacket, leaving the apartment before I collapse against the wall outside. I shouldn’t have kissed him, it creates too many problems between us, problems that we can’t have. Our best friends are in love, so unless our friendships break down there’s a good chance that we will be seeing a lot of each other, so being enemies isn’t an option. The main problem though, and one that I really don’t want to investigate is that I want to kiss Grey again. I want to feel his lips against me, the hardness of his body pressed into mine while I take my fill of his mouth. I want to explore every inch of his body with my tongue, find out if I can make him scream my name with just my mouth.
I push away from the wall and make my way down the stairs. I need to get away from this place, try and clear my head so I can make some sense of what’s happening. Finding guys attractive was a shock to the system, but I soon got over that, enjoying the way they looked more than I felt awkward. Kissing a guy for the first time was a little mind blowing. It felt so different than what I was used to, but when his lips pressed against mine I was lost to the sensation. It didn’t take me long to work out that different was fucking good.
I have touched a few guys, their hard muscles under my fingers making my cock get harder than I could remember. But kissing Grey eclipsed all those experiences. With Grey I wanted to push him against the wall and take everything he was willing to give me. I wanted everything, and then I wanted more. I wanted him to be mine after one simple kiss, and it’s scaring me a little which is why I need to run from him. I'm not the kind of guy who sticks to one person; I don’t really enjoy monogamy and I don’t do relationships. I like the variety life has to offer, and now that’s open to both sexes I want to explore a little before I settle down. I need to get this feeling under control; a kiss doesn’t lead to something more. Fuck, I need to avoid Grey for a little while and get my head sorted, because this isn’t me.
Acknowledgments
Where do I start? There are so many people that helped on this book, and I know I will probably miss someone. If I do I'm sorry, but know that I am thankful to everyone who took the time to read or pimp, to leave reviews and let everyone know about my men. I loved writing them, and I hope you enjoy reading.
Stuart ~ My hubby. I always have to start with you because ultimately you make all this possible. I love you!!
Nicola ~ Ah, my Nicola. You are like my other half, and I don’t know what I would do without you now. You help when I’m stuck, kick my arse when I need, and read all the crap I send you! I am so thankful to have you in my life now, and I’m so glad you share my…hobbies! ;)
Claire ~ You know what you do! You do it all! The love you have for this book, and all my others, leaves me a little in awe. Just wait until the next one…are you ready?
My betas/proofreaders ~ Chloe, Vickie, Robyn, Michelle, Danni, Lydia and Paige! I couldn’t do this without all your help. I am thankful to you all, and I'm blessed that you take time out to read my words!
And again to all the people who shared and all the blogs who took time to post. To Three Hearts Promotions for organising my release week blitz. To everyone who has taken a chance and read this book…
Thank you!
This Isn’t Me
Nathan Cooper thought he had everything in life worked out; his own company, a great best friend, and all the women he could want.
That is until one night his whole outlook changed. One misunderstanding, a man instead of a woman, and just like that he was looking at guys like he never had before.
A guy he shouldn’t look at is Grey, the only problem with that is he can’t seem to stop the attraction he has to him. He doesn’t want Grey… except he does.
Greyson Green doesn’t have time for the kind of games that Nathan wants to play. He is already too close to breaking with the pressure of life. Work is stressful, and now his best friend has moved out to be with the man he loves, leaving Grey alone and unhappy. Just when he thinks things can’t get worse, he’s proved wrong when circumstances throw him into close quarters with the last person in the world he wants to be near.
Sometimes you don’t realize that what you need is the person you don’t like, a connection growing even when you try so hard to stop it. What happens when that connection is threatened, forcing you face exactly what that person means to you? What happens when you’re faced with losing it all?
Grey is going to have to make the biggest decision of his life. Does he turn away from the one thing that could destroy him, or does he chase the guy who could be everything? The guy who spends all his time trying to convince him…
This Isn’t Me.
This Isn’t Me
Copyright © T.a. McKay, 2016
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
Cover art by Kari March designs~ https://www.facebook.com/Karimarchdesigns/?fref=ts
Formatting by: T.a. McKay
This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents are either the product of the author’s imagination or used factiously and any resemblance to actual people, dead or alive, business, establishments, locales or events is entirely coincidental. Any reference to real events, businesses or organizations is intended only to give the fiction a sense of realism and authenticity.
All right reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means – electronic, mechanical, photographic (photocopying), recording or otherwise – without prior permission in writing from the author.
Pirating an author’s work is a crime and will be treated as such.
Dedication
Claire ~ you fell in love with Nathan and discovered he was your spirit animal.
This book couldn’t belong to anyone else!
Prologue
I throw my glasses onto the desk in front of me and rub my face as I try to concentrate on listening to Trey. I’ve been stuck in my office for days, and when my phone rang it pulled me from the marathon staring contest I’d been having with my computer screen. I swear I've been looking at the same line of code for the last month and I'm no closer to working out where the glitch might be. Okay, so I know it’s only been maybe two days, but with the way my mind is refusing to work it feels like forever.
“Are you coming over for dinner tomorrow? Roman isn’t happy that you haven’t replied.”
I try to remember being invited to their house but I genuinely can’t. I get like this when a project doesn’t go to plan, it takes over my life and I forget about everything. “Did you invite me?” I'm still not convinced that they sent me a message and I know I wasn’t asked in person because I haven’t seen anyone since New Year.
“I suggest you check your texts. He sent it a few days ago and now I'm getting pissed off Roman because, and I quote, ‘your fucking best friend can’t get his dick out of someone long enough to reply.’”
I laugh when I think of Roman giving Trey grief. I swear if someone had told me six months ago that my best friend would be shacked up with a hot little dancer I would have said they were insane.
I know Roman is more than just a dancer, but to me he will always be the guy who stripped naked after dancing around a pole. I won’t tell Trey that though because, well because I like my balls where they are. “Can’t you get that man of yours under control? I swear he needs to be better behaved.”
Laughter meets my ears and I can’t help but smile at how happy he sounds. He has found someone who makes him smile and for that reason alone I think I will always love Roman. He showed Trey that he needed to let someone in and that he deserved the kind of love that fairy tales are made of. Trey has been a different guy since Roman and I like who he's turning into.
“That’s not an answer, Nathan. Are you coming to dinner or not?” I would tell him yes, but I know that there’s a chance that Grey will be there, and I've managed to successfully avoid him for
the past few weeks. Ever since Christmas I’ve tried to keep some distance between us without anyone knowing. I don't know what it would be like to see him, not now that I’ve kissed him … and then ran away. I even missed spending New Year with Trey, claiming that my mom had asked me to celebrate with her. Trey wasn’t convinced but since it was his first one with Roman he let it slide.
“Do I have a choice?”
His laughter tells me that I don't. “Just be here by seven. I refuse to get my ass handed to me by Roman because you’re late. Oh, and be on your best behavior. Grey will be there and it would be great if you didn’t make him hate you.”
“No one hates me, asshole. Everyone thinks I'm awesome and amazing.” I try to use humor to cover up the fact that my heart has started racing thanks to the confirmation that Grey will in fact be there. I don't know if he's told Roman about what happened but being in his company tomorrow will be fucking awkward either way.
“You keep believing that, Nathan. But I’ve been slapped by some of the women that found you awesome, and trust me when I tell you that it wasn’t done out of love. I still don't understand how the gay guy gets the stinging cheek because the straight guy can’t keep it in his pants.”
I laugh at his comment, knowing exactly what he's talking about. “I didn’t know they had arrived together. I mean they should mention if they’re friends with the girl you’ve just fucked up against a wall. She only hit you because you blocked her from pulling me off her friend. Completely not my fault.”
“Yeah. I should have let her attack you while you had your dick in another woman. Shit, you, my friend, are a whore. You will settle down one day, and I can’t wait to see that. To see the great Nathan Cooper putting someone else’s happiness before his own will be a day to remember.”
I laugh again at his crazy comments. “The day I settle down with one person is the day you’ll need to have me committed. You know I'm not the settling down type, the only happiness important to me is my own.” And I'm not lying to save face. I can’t see a time in my life that I would be happy with just one person. I’m a free spirit and share my ‘love’ with many, many women, and now, apparently men.
“One day my friend. It will happen, mark my words, and the poor woman won’t know what's hit her.” He laughs but I don't join in this time. When he mentioned settling down, the only person I could picture was Grey and that is completely fucking with my mind. I don't even know the guy, and there is nothing between us. I spent one night talking to him. One night. I have had milk in my fridge longer than I’ve known Grey and I'm probably more attached to that than him.
So why can’t I stop thinking about him?
Chapter 1
“We all need to go out.” I watch as Grey bounces across the living room towards Roman, who looks amused with his rather drunken friend. Even I find myself smiling as he starts dancing. I would never admit this to anyone, but watching Grey has recently become one of my favorite pastimes. I don’t know what it is about him, but there’s something that just grabs my attention every time we are near each other.
Ever since that morning when I woke up in his bed, kissing him with passion before leaving him standing there, I’ve been a little too addicted to everything that is Grey. He isn’t exactly what I’m usually attracted to, especially since he's a guy and up until about nine months ago, I’d been strictly a female lover. Curvy, sexy bodies had always been my thing, throw in some beautiful big breasts that filled my hands and I was a very happy guy.
Now as I watch a very masculine man dancing to Britney Spears, I'm the first to admit that my tastes have changed … a lot. All it took was one simple misunderstanding, a guy turning up for a planned threesome instead of the woman I thought it would be, and I was questioning everything I thought I knew about myself. Now I'm looking at men like I never have before and I’m finding myself appreciating all the differences between the different sexes. The hardness of a mans body in comparison to the soft curves of a woman, their strength that matches my own, and the feel of their stubble against my jaw when I kiss them.
I haven’t done too much exploring with men yet, but my imagination goes a long way to helping me live out some of the fantasies in my head of what it might be like. The daydream of someone strong, someone that could hold their own with me makes my dick harder than I ever imagined. I love having sex. It’s been one of my favorite hobbies since I turned seventeen, and being with a woman is something very special, something I don't think I could live without. I want to know what it’s like to be with a man though, because I can imagine it’s amazing in a whole different way.
So yeah, as I say, the way I think now is very different than a year ago, but I have to admit I like it. It took me the best part of a year to sort out the confusion in my head, but in the grand scheme of things it didn’t take me long to embrace my sudden attraction to men. I wouldn’t have been able to do it without Trey, he helped me through a lot of the confusion I did feel by just listening to me and not judging. Now I'm an equal opportunity type of guy.
No matter if you're male or female, if you get my dick hard then there’s a good chance we’re fucking.
I'm pulled from my thoughts when something soft hits me on the side of the head before landing in my lap. I look at the cushion in confusion before looking up to find Grey standing in front of me with another cushion in his hand and a pissed off look on his face. “Don’t even think about it, Blue.” He grits his teeth as I use one of my many nicknames for him. I know that he hates it when people call him anything but his name, so I have made it my mission to find the nickname that annoys him the most. Blue gets me a slight growl but I think I can do better.
I grab the cushion from my lap and toss it towards the couch opposite me, refusing to give into the growing temptation to hit Grey over the head with it … over and over again.
As much as I enjoy looking at Grey, I seem to spend most of my time trying to get under his skin and piss him off. I’ve never met anyone before that I like to rile as much as I do him; not even making Trey’s life hell gives me the same level of satisfaction.
“Well, are you?” I realize I've missed something when I notice three sets of eyes looking towards me, apparently waiting on my answer. “Sorry, Grey. I get so bored of your voice, I stopped listening.”
His jaw tightens as I speak, and I swear I can see a tic working its way through the tight muscles. I hold back my smile, knowing that I’m starting to get to him.
Laughter meets my ears and I turn to see Trey looking at me a grin on his face. He knows what I'm doing just now, he's commented more than once about the joy I get from annoying Grey. I’ve spent a few nights in Grey’s company in the last couple of weeks, and even from that very first night, I wanted to annoy him. I also wanted to pin him to the wall and kiss him again, but that’s a different story all together.
Grey loses the battle with his temper and finally throws the other cushion he's been holding, making me glad that I'm wearing my contact lenses when it connects with my face. “Seriously, Nathan. Is there ever a time when you aren’t an ass?”
I bring my hand to my chin, pretending to think carefully about my answer. After a slight hesitation I shake my head which earns me a glare before I even speak. “Actually, Grey. I don’t think there is.”
He opens his mouth and closes it, almost like he's trying to work out what to say in response to me, but he's failing to come up with anything.
I stand and walk past him, making sure to nudge him with my shoulder as I go. “So bitches, we doing this or not?”
It’s time to get this night started.
This nightclub is not my scene in any way, but as I watch Roman and Grey on the dance floor, I’m pretty sure I don't care. Both guys are professionals, but as they dance together out there, they look like a couple of teenage boys. That thought sobers me a little, knowing that I must look really old next to them.
I turn to look at Trey, wondering if he's feeling the same as I am, but he has a ve
ry different look on his face. He looks as though he's trying hard to resist the urge to walk onto the dance floor and devour Roman. It’s the same look that seems to have been permanently fixed on his face since he met Roman. The one that told me he’d finally met his match with his hot little dancer. I laugh when I think about how hard Trey fought against his attraction to Roman, using all the stupid excuses in the world to run away from him.
Now when I see them together, it makes me almost wish for a relationship of my own.
Almost.
“You like what you see out there, old man?”
Trey turns towards me with a smile on his face that shows me exactly how much he's enjoying the view. It is an amazing sight, even if neither guy belongs to me. They’re grinding against each other, not caring that nearly every guy out there is drooling on the floor whilst watching them. Their moves are sexual without them trying, and I know that they aren’t trying to put on a show, which makes it all that much sexier. “What’s not to like? Look at all those guys looking at him, wanting him, and I know he's all mine.”
It takes me a couple of seconds to get my head around what Trey’s just said. The words that came out of his mouth don’t marry with the man I know. “Okay, who the fuck are you and what have you done with Trey?”
He grabs his drink from the table in front of him, the table that we were lucky to get when we arrived, and smiles around the rim as he sips the amber liquid.
When we turned up to the club it had a queue out the door that was nearly as long as the block it’s situated on. I thought that we would have had hours to wait to get in, but thanks to Trey bribing the doorman, and Grey using his god given talents, we managed to skip the line and get inside without waiting. Watching Grey flirt was entertaining, and I'm sure that if he didn’t look so hot tonight in his tight black pants and white button down, he would have failed. His flirting isn’t very good, but he makes it work when uses his body and bites that bottom lip of his. I don’t think there’s a man alive who could resist that mouth.
