by T A. McKay
“Grey.”
It sounds like Roman. Shit. I crawl back across the floor and grab my cell from the floor, giggling when I hear Roman shouting. “I'm sorry. I dropped my phone … and I forgot about it.”
“Did you not learn your lesson about drinking at the weekend? I hope the hangover will be worth it.”
I scoff at his comment. There’s no way I’ll have a hangover in the morning, I haven’t had that much to drink. I’ve had just a little, just enough to make me feel slightly better about my life. I spot the empty wine bottle again and realize that maybe I’ve drunk a little more than I thought. Oh well, I’ll worry about it in the morning. “It’s not like I can do anything stupid like get married. Been there, done that.” I try to make it sound like it isn’t bothering me, but I don't think I manage it.
“Is that what this is about? Is this about Nathan?”
Pain rips through my chest, and since I don't have any more wine close enough to dull the pain I try to cover it with anger. “Not everything I do is about Nathan. I do have a life without him you know.”
I'm met with silence, and I can just imagine the face that Roman is pulling. “Yeah, completely sounds like it’s nothing to do with him. Where is he tonight? Because there is no way he’s there.”
“He's gone to the club.” My voice comes out quietly and I know that will say more to Roman than the actual words.
“The club? You mean my club?”
“Yeah. He says he won’t be home until later if he's lucky.” Even repeating what he said hurts. To think of Nathan being there with someone else, letting them touch him and put their mouth on his is more than I can deal with tonight.
“I can’t believe he did that. Oh god, Grey. Do you need me to come over?”
I shake my head, forgetting that he can’t see me. I just want to be alone so I can wallow in my misery.
“Grey, are you okay? I can get Trey to drop me off, I just need to wake him up.”
I take the phone away from my ear and look at the time. I feel really bad because it’s after midnight and Roman has work tomorrow. I hadn’t realized it was so late, so now I can to add guilt to the aching pain inside. “Shit, I didn’t notice the time. I'm fine, Roman. I'm just going to go to bed and sleep. I'm sorry, I shouldn’t have called. I'm just feeling a little sorry for myself.”
“It’s fine. I can come over. I have school tomorrow but I can miss a lecture.”
Nope, not happening. I will not be responsible for him missing anything important, especially over feelings I knew I shouldn’t have been having. “Honestly, I'm just going to go to bed. Don't worry about me, I’ve had my drama queen moment and I feel better.” It’s such a lie, I doubt I will feel better for a long time. But I do need to go to bed, because if Nathan walks in here with a guy I don't know what I will do. “Goodnight, Roman.” I don’t wait for him to reply before I hang up.
I push myself up off the floor, getting my balance before I retrieve the wine bottle I tried to catch earlier. I'm stumbling into the kitchen when I hear the front door open. I freeze instantly; praying that Nathan and whoever he's brought home won’t notice me. I hear keys hitting the bowl by the front door and then steps coming towards me. I throw the bottle into the recycling bucket under the kitchen sink and look around frantically. I don't know exactly what I'm looking for, because if I'm planning on hiding then the only place is under the table.
“You’re still up?” And with just those three words, my body is on high alert. It doesn’t seem to matter that he’s probably come home to shower off the smell of another guy, my body loves the sound of his voice and is trying to get me to walk over and touch him. This time though I'm going to make sure I listen to my head, because my heart seems to suffer every time I give in to my body’s urges.
I nod at him and try to walk past him. Unfortunately he isn’t about to let me do that.
“Is everything okay?”
“Yeah.” I can’t even look at him as I answer him because I'm scared that I’ll see that he had a great time with someone tonight … and that person wasn’t me.
“Yeah, looks like things are great.” There’s humor in his voice and I know that he's trying to make me laugh, but I just can’t, not tonight. I keep my face turned away, blinking rapidly to try and keep the tears at bay. I regret the wine now because it’s making it difficult to control my emotions. I pull my arm out of his hold and start to walk away. I don't get far before he's in front of me, halting my progress.
“Seriously, Grey. What the hell is wrong with you?” Now I have no option but to look at him and I try to cover all the emotions with a mask.
“I told you, nothing. I'm just going to bed.”
He reaches out to touch me but I flinch. I can’t have him touching me with hands that pleasured someone else tonight. He must notice because he looks confused. Shit, I shouldn’t be acting like this. He’s free to have sex with anyone he wants to, I mean nothing to him.
“What the fuck is wrong with you? You’re acting as though I have the plague or something.”
I just stare at him, unsure what to say. I can’t tell him why I don't want him touching me because that would lead to the reason that I'm so upset. It’s better just to play this off as nothing. “I told you I'm fine.”
He takes a step towards me and I step backwards.
“Would you stop that? I don't like you pulling away from me, especially when I don't know why. Did I do something?”
I laugh at his choice of words because that's exactly what’s wrong. He did something, or should that be someone. “Just go to bed, Nathan, but you might want to wash the smell of sex off you first.” I storm past him, knocking into his shoulder in my hurry to get away from him and this conversation. I’ve given too much away with that one statement.
I don't get far before a very angry looking Nathan pushes me up against the wall. Despite the anger I see on his face, his hold on me is gentle, like he doesn’t want to hurt me. That melts my heart a little but only until he starts to talk.
“Is that what all this is all about? Are you jealous?” There’s humor in his voice and I don't like it. I understand that my feelings for him are crazy, but to have him laughing at me is too much.
“For me to be jealous there would need to be something between us which you have made abundantly clear there isn’t.” I will myself to stop talking, to just stay quiet until he lets me escape to my room. Unfortunately my mouth has other plans. “I'm just the guy you fuck to see if you like it before you go back to women.”
If I thought Nathan was angry before I was wrong. My words have his grip tightening on my arm, and I can’t blame him. I'm using his late discovery of his sexuality against him, and as much as I hate doing it, I can’t control my words right now. I don't fully understand bisexual people. I don't understand how they could choose to be with one sex when they are attracted to the other. I would never be able to be with a woman, and I'm pretty sure that straight people wouldn’t ever be able to be with someone of the same sex.
“Wow. I didn’t think I would ever be judged by you, Grey. I thought you might be one of the people who would understand what I was going through.”
“How would I understand? I’ve never been attracted to women, I’ve never hid who I was from myself.”
“I'm not trying to hide from who I am, I'm trying to understand it. Why am I not allowed time to work out who I am?”
I wish he would stop making sense and asking sensible questions. My slightly drunk brain can’t process a good argument and I need him to understand what I'm trying to say. “You can have all the time you want. I'm just saying I won’t be your plaything before you go back to women.”
“Why do you automatically think I’ll go back to women? Why is it so hard to believe I could want to be with a guy?”
“Because you aren’t gay, Nathan.” As soon as the words have left my mouth I want to take them back.
“So that's the problem, I'm not gay enough for you. Fuck you, Grey.”
; Chapter 21
It takes everything in me not to punch Grey where he stands. Trey had warned me that there might be people out there that have a problem with me being bi. I honestly didn’t think that Grey would be one of them.
Apparently I'm a part of group of people that find it difficult to find their place. I'm not straight enough for some and not gay enough for others. Well fuck them. I am who I am, and I will be with who I want. Hearing all this from Grey hurts though, I thought what we had was special.
“No … shit that came out wrong. I'm a little drunk and I don't think we should talk about this tonight.”
That's where he is very wrong. “Actually, I think this is the perfect time to talk about this. I might finally get the truth from you for a change. Do you have a problem with me being bi?”
His eyes drop to the floor as he nods his head, and I feel pain ripping through my chest.
I made a lot of decisions at the club tonight, the most important of them being that I wanted to try to see where this thing with Grey led. I went out with the intentions of wanting to try something different but when Jared whispered naughty things into my ear it made it more than clear that I need Grey. Going to the club hadn’t been what I thought it would be. Sitting there on my own watching the guys dance had done nothing for me. I found them all really attractive, I even wondered how good a few of them would be in bed, but when it came to the moment of whether I was turned on by them or not. Well that was a big no.
Even when I called Jared over and asked for a private dance, I had to force myself to follow him to one of the back rooms. Sitting on the seat, watching his body as he moved in front of me had just made me want to see Grey in his place. I wanted nothing more than to see his body twist and grind as he swayed to the music. That’s the only thing that got my dick hard.
It didn’t take Jared long to notice that I wasn’t fully into what he was doing, and that’s when he came over and started whispering into my ear. The suggestive things he said had my jeans getting too tight, and had filthy thoughts going through his mind. Dirty thoughts that included the annoying man that’s standing in front of me right now.
“Well, at least I know now.” I back away from where Grey is leaning against the wall. I don’t know what to say to him so it’s probably better that I don’t say anything at all. I head towards the kitchen, putting some much needed distance between us, and I'm shocked to hear him follow me.
“Well can you blame me? Up until a few months ago you were completely straight. Am I meant to believe that all because some guy felt your dick everything’s changed? What happens when the right woman comes along, will you change your mind again?”
“That is such fucking double standards and you know it. So it took me a little longer than you to work out my attraction to men, and yes, I'm still attracted to women. But this is who I am; I have no choice in it. When did you decide to be gay?” I'm infuriated by his narrow-minded views. Why is it so hard for him to believe that I might be attracted to more than one sex?
“I didn’t have a choice.”
“Exactly, just like I didn’t. Now you know how it feels for me.” I grab the bottle of vodka from the freezer, needing a drink to get through the rest of this night. I’d come home full of plans and discussions that I wanted to have with Grey, but that’s not going to happen now. That’s what I get for thinking about letting someone in. That’s what I get for thinking maybe I could try more. I should have known better than to think about trying a relationship. This isn’t me and I shouldn’t pretend it is.
I take a long drink from the bottle before offering it to Grey. He shakes his head, and I take another drink. I close the freezer door, keeping the bottle in my hand, and head over to the dining table before taking a seat on one of the leather chairs. I'm suddenly feeling very tired and I just want to have a minute to think about all this before I head to bed. The chair next to me moves and I see Grey sitting down.
“I'm sorry. I'm being an ass and it’s not anything to do with you. It’s all me.”
I laugh as I relax back into my seat. “Are you seriously giving me the it’s not you it’s me speech?”
The side of Grey’s lips turns up and I can’t help but smile in return. “Too predictable?”
I nod before taking another drink. Grey takes the bottle from my hand and has a drink before giving it back to me. “I'm telling the truth though. This is my problem, not yours. Sometimes I struggle with things and I take them out on other people.”
Well this conversation might get interesting yet. I think this is a conversation that needs to happen, and as I take another drink, I hope that he’ll be honest with me. “Care to elaborate?”
He bites his bottom lip as he stares at me, and I can tell that he's trying to decide if he should tell me anything. When he takes a deep breath I feel hopeful that I might get a little insight into Grey’s mind.
“If I tell you, you’ll laugh at me.”
I sit quietly, my face a mask of no emotion. I want him to feel comfortable enough to tell me anything and I'm willing to wait all night for it to happen.
“Fine, but I swear, one giggle and I'm moving out.” He grabs the bottle off of me again, but instead of taking a drink he starts picking at the label. “Did you have sex with a guy tonight?”
The question takes me by surprise, but I don’t hesitate as I answer. “No.”
“Why not?”
“Because no one caught my attention. The right person wasn’t there.” I can tell he’s missing what I'm trying to tell him, but I'm not about to elaborate.
“And did you … you know… meet a woman?” This question comes out in a much quieter voice.
“I find it pretty hard to pick up women at a gay strip club that caters exclusively for men. Even I'm not that skilled.” I can tell instantly that I've pissed Grey off because he stands abruptly from his chair. I grab his hand, pulling him back down. “I'm sorry, don’t leave. I'm just teasing, but I promise to stop.”
He takes a second but he eventually gives in and sits down heavily. I don’t drop his hand, holding onto it as he starts talking again. I play with his fingers on top of the table as I listen to him.
“I thought maybe you could have called someone. Like maybe Nic.”
“Be careful, Florence. You are sounding a little jealous there.”
He looks over at me, his cheeks reddening in a very sexy way.
“Why don’t you do relationships?”
Apparently tonight I'm going to end up with whiplash with all the drastic changes of topic in this conversation. “There just hasn’t been the right person. I'm just not a relationship kind of guy.”
“But why?”
I've had this conversation over and over again with people who want more from me, and no one ever believes my answer. Let’s see if Grey is any different. “There is no big reason, Florence. I just don’t want to be tied down to one person.”
“I don’t buy it. There has to be a reason.”
“I'm not damaged, Grey. I wasn’t unloved by my family so I swore off love, I haven’t had my heart broken, and I don’t blame my missing dad for me not being able to give my damaged heart to someone. I just haven’t met anyone that I wanted to give more to.” I leave out the fact that I think I might’ve found that person. Him. That was another thing I had thought about tonight, what I wanted when it came to Grey. I didn’t make any major decisions, but I was finally honest with myself and admitted that I might want to see where this thing goes.
“So does that mean you will never settle down?”
This conversation has moved from Grey telling me how he was feeling to a lot of questions about me. I'm hoping that if I keep answering then he will eventually get around to letting me in.
“Never say never. I just don’t plan on it, but that doesn’t mean if I find the right person I won’t give them all of me.”
“So we better get on with that divorce … you know, just in case.” He smiles at me but I can see that it’s
forced. I don't know where his head is tonight and it's making getting him to open up really difficult.
“I think we’re safe enough to stay married for a little while longer. I don't think I will be declaring my undying love any time soon.” And I'm telling the truth with that because I'm struggling to admit that I have feelings for Grey and they are nowhere near love.
“I can’t keep having sex with you, Nathan.”
Thankfully I'm getting used to his sudden topic changes, so this one doesn’t confuse me as much as it might have. What I don't like is the fact that he’s trying to stop what we are doing together, especially after I was honest with myself tonight about wanting to see where it goes. “Why? I thought you were okay with one night stands?” The memory of the night in the club runs through my mind and the anger I felt back then starts to rise again.
“I’m okay with them, but that's not what this is. I know you don't want it to mean anything, but I don't know what this is. It’s more than a one night stand but less than a relationship. I just can’t do this anymore.” Finally he's letting me into what he's thinking, and I pass him the bottle of vodka, hoping it will loosen him up a bit more.
“So what do you want it to be? I mean in an ideal world and you could have anything you wanted, what would you want right now?” I'm hoping that he might tell me that we’re both on the same wavelength, because if I'm the only person wanting to see where this goes, then I’m going to know how those women felt when I turned them down. I'm not saying that I want to settle down with him for the rest of my life, but it would be nice knowing that I wasn’t alone in feeling … something.
“Wow, that’s such a loaded question. I could end up ruining something that could be good and looking like a complete fool here. I think I will plead the fifth and have another drink.”
I watch as he takes another long drink from the bottle, and I can’t stop my eyes from drifting down to his throat as he swallows. I didn’t notice before how sexy a man’s Adam’s apple can be, I just want to run my tongue along it and feel it bob up and down. I want Grey so fucking much, and now I think is the time to give him a little information, even if it backfires and he laugh in my face. I’ve never been the guy to do the chasing, but I think that maybe I need to do it for the man in front of me. I have a feeling that if I don’t then I’ll lose him, and that’s just not an option. “What if I told you what I want, would you tell me the truth?” Okay, so maybe I'm not as brave as I would like to think.
