by T A. McKay
“I will tell Trey to expect you, not that I think he will leave the hospital until Nathan does. I heard him talking to Nathan’s mom about when he's released. He was planning on staying with Nathan until he recovered fully, but Mrs. C told him that she was staying so he couldn’t. She told him that he had a man to look after and she could take care of her own son.”
That’s just the kind of thing that I would expect from Nathan’s mom. She’s been amazing in the little time I've had to get to know her. “There’s another good reason I'm moving out. She will need somewhere to sleep while he recovers.” I swallow the lump in my throat as I think about not being there to help Nathan as he recovers. Hopefully his recovery will be easy now that he is awake. Most of his problems were caused by blood loss, and once that was under control he recovered quickly.
I drink the last of my coffee and stand up. “Why don’t you grab Trey and Mrs. Cooper a drink while I go wash up? I’ll be back soon.”
The look on Roman’s face says he doesn’t want to leave me but I'm hoping that he will understand that I need a moment alone. There’s something important that I need to do and I want to make sure I'm strong enough to do it.
I hear happy voices as I approach the door of Nathan’s room. I look around the frame and see Nathan sitting up with his eyes open. He looks tired, but just seeing him smile again takes my breath away. When he woke earlier I was so happy, but now seeing him fully awake makes me want to rush over and kiss him. I want to tell him that I hate him for scaring me like he did and that I love him more than anyone else in the world.
Instead I stand and lean against the doorframe. Everyone’s so caught up in the moment that they don’t notice me and for that I'm grateful. It’s a beautiful scene in front of me, and I'm happy for Nathan. I know that he doesn’t have a big family, but who he does have makes up for it with the fierceness of their love. The only person not here is Dalton, but there have been complications with his baby. It’s nothing major but it has meant that he’s had to stay in Vegas. No one blames him, and he calls several times a day for updates. I do think that Dalton being here would have helped Trey, but he has his own kid to think about now.
Nathan smiles at his mom who’s fussing over him, and I don’t think he’s ever looked as beautiful as he does now. Even with the thin bandage covering the side of his face and the dark circles around his eyes he is simply perfect. He’s everything I've ever wanted. He's funny but annoying, and when he touches me I know I’m the only thing he’s thinking about. He might not love me, but when we were together he made me feel like I was the only person in the world. There’s so much I'm going to miss about Nathan and I know that I will never find another guy like him. It’s going to be difficult to see him in the future, but I knew that going into this. I knew there was a chance that what we had would implode, but I thought he was worth the possible future problems. And he was, even though seeing him now will be awkward and painful, I wouldn’t go back and change a second of my time with him. Actually, that's a lie, I would have said no to the threesome.
I take just a moment to let myself imagine what we could have had. All the happiness and love that could have been ours if only he felt the way I do. I knew when I was getting into this that it wouldn’t go anywhere, but as time went on a part of me hoped he would change his mind. That’s why it’s unfair for me to hang around. All this is my fault, I should be the one to suffer. Nathan was nothing but honest and as much as I hurt right now, if I had listened to what he told me I would have saved myself so much pain.
With all that in mind I take one last look at Nathan and take in everything about him. His pale skin, his dark eyes, and the lips that caught my attention the minute I met him. These are the things I will see in my dreams. When I feel the first tear slide down my cheek I know that it’s time to go. I blow him a silent kiss and I walk away. I make it to the elevator before the first sob escapes me. I will never be able to love again because I've just left my heart in that hospital bed with Nathan.
Chapter 26
“Where is he?” I spent a total of six days in the hospital after I woke up and no one would give me any information about Grey. I haven’t seen him since the accident but I know he's been about. My mum told me she met my husband before ripping me a new one about getting married without her being there. Yeah, I still need to kill Trey for that one.
Now I'm home and I need to know where Grey is. I was hoping he would still be here when I arrived but I walked into an empty apartment. I think Trey noticed my disappointment because he’s spent the last hour fussing over me and getting me set up in bed. I don’t want to lie here like an invalid, but I don’t have the energy to fight with him. I’ll just wait until he leaves and then get my ass up.
“He's at my place, and before you ask, no, you can’t go see him.”
There are times that I hate how well Trey knows me and this is one of those moments. “You don’t know I was going to ask that, you're just guessing.” Even to my own ears I sound like a stroppy teen but fuck it. “But at least you're willing to tell me about him now. Want to tell me why he left?”
“If I have to explain that to you then you're an idiot.”
Well that answers the question I have on whether he's heard about the threesome. I know Grey would’ve told Roman, and I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised that Roman told Trey. Maybe I should apologize for the bitching he must’ve got because of me. “Does Roman hate me?”
“No, but after getting screamed at about you for hours, I do.” The smile on his face tells me he's lying. That and the fact that he's here making sure I have everything I need.
My mom was going to stay with me until I was back on my feet but I managed to get her to return to her holiday, but only because I bought her non-refundable tickets. I know if I hadn’t then she’d be here fussing over me and driving me crazy. “Does Grey hate me?”
“Do you think he should?”
“God, will you stop answering my questions with a question.”
Trey smiles at me from where he’s tucking in the blanket that’s covering my damaged leg and it takes everything in me not to kick him in the face. He looks so fucking smug, and I don’t like it when he's the one who’s coming out on top in these conversations. I want to go back to the time when it was Trey having problems with the man in his life because being on this side of it sucks.
“What do you want me to say? I don’t think you need me to tell you that Grey is in love with you. It’s just a shame that he fell for the biggest manwhore I know.”
“Fuck you, Trey.” I grab the bottle of water that’s next to my bed and try and distract myself by taking a long drink.
“What’s wrong, not what you want to hear? I told you to stay away from him but you just had to listen to your dick.”
I throw the now empty bottle at Trey and feel more than satisfied when it hits him in the head. He picks it up and glares at me before sitting on the edge of my bed.
“Fine. Spill it.”
“I think I'm in love with Grey.” I don’t know what reaction I expected, but the silence I'm met with isn’t it. “You honestly have nothing to say to that?”
“Give me a minute okay. This is bigger than you telling me that you like guys. You love Grey? Shit, I just don’t even know what to say to that. Does he know?”
“Do you think we would be in that situation if he did? That’s what I was trying to call you about when I had the accident. I didn’t remember straight away but it’s slowly been coming back to me. Unfortunately the first thing that came back was telling Grey to leave, because we were a mistake.” I’ve been suffering silently with the memory of the pain on Grey’s face when I asked him to leave. I was hoping that it was a terrible dream I’d had while asleep, but I wasn’t that lucky.
“Yeah, that wasn’t your smartest moment. I was going to give you a beating for that but maybe if you explained why you sent him away I can forgive you.”
I snort at his belief that he could take me in a f
ight. I think I've proved that he can’t, well there was that one time. “The truth? I was fucking petrified. I thought I was just confused at the time, but now I know I was scared shitless. I couldn’t understand what I was feeling and I was convinced that if I pushed him away then the feelings would go away. Watching Jared touch him ripped my insides apart but I thought he was enjoying it. When I saw his tears I wanted to kill Jared, and I know how stupid it sounds because it was my idea.”
“I would like to say how much I'm loving this. I remember just how understanding you were when I was trying to pretend that I didn’t have feelings for Roman. It’s nice to finally get my own back. But I get what you’re saying, sometimes we try to push them away just to get a moment of clarity. Want some advice?”
I don’t want advice, I want Trey to give me step by step instructions on how to sort this so the decision isn’t mine to make. Since I know he won’t do that I just nod at him.
“You need to tell him you're an idiot. You need to throw yourself at his feet and beg for forgiveness.”
“And I'm sure that will go down really well. I don’t think there will be anything I can say that will make Grey forgive me.” The slight whine is back in my voice and I hate that I don’t know what to do in this situation. I have spent my life having fun with women but I’ve managed to keep them all at a distance. Just when I thought being bisexual would open up a whole new world to me, I've gone and fallen in love. I don’t want anyone else, and that still scares me. Can I really spend the rest of my life with just one person?
“Well if you aren’t willing to do that, then you need to grow a thick skin.”
Okay this one throws me and I can’t help but look at him in confusion. It doesn’t take him long to clear up his meaning and when he does I wish he hadn’t.
“You're going to need it when Grey starts dating other men. He won’t wait around forever, and I'm pretty sure that his gorgeous ass will be in demand.”
An ache forms in the pit of my stomach when I realize that he's right. Men are going to be lining up to date Grey, and there’s pretty much nothing I can do about it. I try to picture seeing Grey with someone else for the first time and I know that it’s going to rip my fucking heart out. I drop my head back onto my headboard and groan. “What the fuck am I going to do, Trey?”
His laughter pisses me off but I suppose he deserves to feel smug at the moment. “You need to make a decision and stick to it. You either need to walk away and be able to live with what happens afterwards, or you need to be man enough to admit your feelings. Only you can make that decision.” He stands and smooth’s the blanket again. “But it doesn’t matter right now. You can’t drive for a while and I'm not planning on taking you to see him anytime soon. So relax and have a think about everything. Here’s your cell if you need anything.” He throws my cell and the TV controls on the bed next to me. “I need to pop to the office but I’ll be back in a few hours. If you're a good boy I might bring you your laptop and you can surf.”
I give him the finger as he walks out of my room laughing to himself. He’s loving this, but little does he know that if I want my laptop then I'm just going to go and get the fucker myself.
I stand in front of the mirror and study at the scar on my face. It runs from just under my left eye and stops level with the edge of my lip. It’s the first time I’ve seen it properly and I have to be honest, I fucking hate it. It’s still red but at least there are no stitches on show. The plastic surgeon feels confident that there won’t be much of a scar by the time it fully heals but that could take up to a year. It isn’t the horrific looking thing that I thought it would be, and I know I should be grateful that I walked away from the crash pretty much still intact, but I can’t help but hate the way I look. I know it sounds completely shallow but the thought of having a noticeable scar worries me. The only other scar I will have is on my leg but that one doesn’t worry me. It’s redder and thicker, but no one is going to see it unless I'm naked which isn’t going to be anyone in the near future.
I hobble over to the shower and turn on the tap. I haven’t had a proper shower since the accident and as soon as the bandage was removed, I knew my first visit when I got home would be the shower. I want to scrub away all the memories of the accident. I get the water as hot as I can handle and step under the flow. The sting of the water against my skin feels amazing, and I grab my body wash before lathering up my skin. I rub it painfully into my body as the memories of the accident start to seeping into my brain. I don’t want to become one of those people who can’t get over an accident but when I remember the fear I felt when the car was coming towards me I can feel my heart racing.
I genuinely thought that my life was over when I was hit, and when I woke up and was told that my heart had stopped I realized how lucky I was. There was a reason I survived and I'm wondering if that reason was Grey. Was I saved so I could finally tell him how I feel? I don’t believe in fate and having your life planned out but now I'm starting to feel as though I'm being pushed towards Grey.
It’s funny how even thinking of Grey settles my soul. He's not even here and yet he's made me feel calmer and more centered. I smile when I think about him, but my smile is short lived when I remember how I treated him. Asking him to leave without explanation and telling him that we shouldn’t have happened, those are words I will never be able to take back and I really wish I could.
I turn off the shower and step out, giving myself a once over in the mirror again. I look a bit more human now and I feel a hell of a lot better than I did an hour ago. I grab a towel and gently dry myself before grabbing a pair of boxer shorts and putting them on. I hobble through my apartment, my limp and the need to hold on to the wall to keep my balance slows my pace and I notice how empty it is. I don’t remember it ever being this empty before, even when Grey was at work I always felt like he was here. Knowing he was coming home made me feel happy and content. I don’t know when I went from happily living alone to needing someone here with me.
I wander into my office, the thought of working the last thing on my mind but I’m drawn to the room like a magnet. I approach the notice board that I stick everything on. I find what I'm looking for and pull it from the pin. It’s a picture I took of Grey one day when he didn’t know I was looking. He was laughing at something Roman said and the sun came in and lit his entire face. I couldn’t let the moment pass without taking a picture. When I put it on the notice board he blushed and tried to get me to take it down but there was no way that was going to happen. I don’t often think about taking pictures, I only have a few on the board of Trey and Dalton, but this one was staying. I look at him now and know that I love him. If the ache in my chest and the feeling of loss wasn’t proof enough, then my heart beating faster when I look at his picture definitely is.
I didn’t think I would ever feel this way about someone. I’ve run from feelings for as long as I can remember, not wanting to get bogged down with all that relationship shit that drives people insane. I've seen the hurt that people go through and, before Roman, I saw what Trey had gone through. I watch as he was torn apart time after time by the guys he fell for, and I didn’t want to risk suffering the same fate. If anyone had told me that I would fall for a male nurse with an anxiety problem, I would have laughed in their faces. I don’t like anyone and yet, here I am, still staring at Grey’s picture.
I sit carefully in my office chair and close my eyes. I need to decide what I'm going to do about Grey. I know what I want but I'm not sure how to make it happen. I've burnt all my bridges with him and I'm sure if he was to see me now he would punch me square in my jaw. I need a way to prove to him that I'm sorry, that I want him in my life more than anything. The only thing is I don’t think now is the time. I need to heal, so when I fight for him I can do it with all my energy. I don’t want to give him a chance to say no. Grey will be mine; he just doesn’t know it yet.
I open my eyes with a start when something hard hits my chest. I grab my headphones and pu
ll them from my head when I see Roman’s mouth moving. He doesn’t even pause in his rant as I try and catch up.
“After everything you put him through you treated him like shit. I don’t know why he feels anything for you but he does. Personally I would kick your ass and be done with you, but I've always said that Grey isn’t the most sensible person. I have never seen him so fucking broken and I blame you one hundred percent.” He turns to leave the room and I shout his name, stopping him in his tracks.
“I didn’t hear all of that so I think I missed some important information.”
He glares at me and for the first time I can see why Trey doesn’t like to piss him off. He might look quiet, but I'm kind of scared of him right now.
“Oh! You missed the start. I said you’re a fucking coward, Nathan Cooper. There, you catch it this time?”
So I need to make sure not to get on the wrong side of Roman again. “Noted. Want to explain why?” I flinch when this question appears to be a red rag to a bull.
“Where do I even start? You organize a threesome with Grey and then get pissed off with him because he couldn’t bear to have someone who wasn’t you touch him. You stopped it yes, well done, but you then treated Grey like shit when you didn’t have an audience. What, did your little boyfriend not want a scene?”
I want to interrupt him but he seems to have found his flow and there’s no way to get a word in so I just sit and listen.
“Then after you kick him out because you're a dick, you have a crash and end up at his hospital. Do you know what he went through when he found you on the table? He saw your fucking heart stop beating, Nathan. Your. Heart. Stopped. Beating. Then he sat for days beside your bed waiting to see if you would ever wake up. You’ve treated him like shit and he still couldn’t walk away when you needed him. Now he's living with me and I can see the darkness in his eyes. He's breaking inside but he’s trying to hide it from everyone. He thinks I'm blind to it but I'm not, he’s getting ready to break and I can’t do a thing about it.”
