And Meyer appears in the forefront of my vision. A few days ago, he showed up at the house. He wanted to shoot the shit like old times. I couldn’t believe the nerve of either one of them. They ruined my life that night, and now they have control in the worst way. It pisses me off, and I grab hold of it because it’s the only thing that keeps me going these days.
My fists begin to cramp after a couple of hours. As I turn to leave, a dozen pairs of eyes follow me out. I know no one would bother speaking to me—except Frank the idiot, of course. I glance around for him but he has disappeared. Maybe he has some brains after all.
My phone rings when I get to the house, and I debate whether I should answer it. My sweet baby sister’s face flashes across the screen. She is another one in the dark about this whole deal I’ve made with the devil. At the last second, I answer, “Hello.”
“Hey, Grey. How are you?” I can tell already where this is going just by the tone in her voice and know I shouldn’t have answered. She is careful and concerned.
“Good, Trin; how’s everything with you?”
“I’m fine. I just…” Her words stop for a few seconds before she admits the reason for her call. “Grey, I’m worried.” The uneasiness in her voice tells me she isn’t sure how to ask about the fight. I know she already knows I lost; unfortunately, her husband, Parker, keeps her in the loop.
A sigh escapes. “What is it, Trinity?”
“I don’t understand how you could have lost again. I thought it would be different for you once you started fighting pro. I’m just sad for everything that you’ve had to go through.”
I think that makes two of us. But I don’t tell her my thoughts.
“Trin, don’t worry about it. I’ll win the next one.” It’s the same every time. I tell her I’ll win the next one, and then I get the order from Meyer to throw the fight. It sucks ass. Last night I almost didn’t go through with it. But I got disoriented and knew it was the right thing to do. Fuck. Always the right thing…
“Okay, but I’m still scared for you. Parker says not to worry. He told me that you’re just going through a rough patch. He says you’ll get your streak back.” Her voice lowers to a whisper at the last words. “I hope he’s right.”
Of course, Parker tells her whatever she wants to hear. But I doubt there’s going to be any streak coming back for a long while, if ever. They have me exactly where they want me, far away from taking the title away from Parker, their golden boy. But Trinity knows nothing about our deals, which is one thing Parker and I can agree on. I don’t want her in this any more than she already is. Neither does he.
“Hey listen, Trin. I gotta go. Can we talk later?”
“Yeah sure, ah, Grey?”
“Yes?”
“No regrets, right?”
I shake my head at her words. At this point, in my head she goes by the name of Red. I have regrets over her about everything. I wish I had never laid eyes on her.
“No Trinity, no regrets.”
As I end the call, my body moves into the heat of the desert. New beads of sweat break out across my forehead in the short distance between the truck and the front door of Meyer’s house. His black ‘67 Mustang sits in the dirt drive on the side of the house. Anger, my familiar friend now, surfaces. The little shit is the one who got me into all of this in the first place. Suddenly I’m walking with a purpose. Maybe I didn’t get it all out at the gym. I might have one more bit left in me, just for him.
My hands form fists as I climb the steps and walk into the front foyer. Each step echoes on the wooden floor. My eyes adjust to the darkened room and I look to the hall, listening to see where he is. Noise in the kitchen makes me head in that direction.
As soon as I round the corner into the bright room, a figure runs at me. My hands go up in defense, but I realize who it is when her long blonde hair moves through the air and her lithe body jumps into my arms. And as she pulls away from a tight hug, her blue eyes sparkle at the sight of me. Christina. She slides out of my grasp exclaiming, “Hey Rookie, it’s been too long.” Then she punches my arm. “Why don’t you ever pick up your damn phone? I had to get a cab here.”
I look at my phone to find that I missed not just the one call this morning but three more from her. I glance up in a wince. “Sorry, I didn’t know you were coming.”
“I know, silly, that’s why it’s called a surprise.” My heart speeds up when I realize she is here to see me, no one else. She flew halfway across the country to see me. This might be a problem.
And the words that leave my mouth contradict my thoughts. “Why are you here?’
A frown creases her forehead. I want to smooth it out. The line doesn’t belong on her flawless skin, especially when she was so happy just a second before.
“Well, it’s nice to see you too.” She waits but I don’t respond. I’m still shocked that she’s here. Part of me is so relieved, but then I realize that I need to protect her. If the mob finds out about my best friend, they’ll use her against me. I couldn’t handle it if they threatened Christina’s safety too. It’s bad enough that Trinity is involved as much as she is, all without her knowledge.
“Hey, are you okay?” The lines across her skin multiply with concern.
“I wrap her in my arms and lower my lips to her forehead. It feels good having her in my arms again. Someone familiar, who knows me and believes in me, is very different from my current norm. I can’t let her ever find out what I’ve done to screw my life up. She would never understand.
I pull away and move her hair away from her face. She seems so happy.
“I’m just surprised. I wasn’t expecting you, that’s all.” I add, “It’s really good to see you, though.”
She stares blankly because she knows me too well. I’m sure she can see through my act.
“How long are you staying?” I ask, trying to avoid that look.
She takes a step away, seeming uncomfortable suddenly.
“I’m not sure. Maybe a couple of days, a week…” Her voice trails off, and I know there’s more to this visit than just seeing me. She looks everywhere, except into my waiting stare.
I shake my head closing the distance she just put between us and lift her chin with my finger. “Okay Christina, what happened? What about the bar?” I add as an afterthought, “and Jonathan?” I’ve been pretty impressed with her boyfriend. She gave him a second chance and, up until now, he doted on her every chance he got. The last I saw of him, he was in it for the long haul.
She walks to the other side of the room, refusing to meet my eyes. I move to the table and lower myself into a chair. I overdid it at the gym today. My back is sore. Either that or I’ve just been defeated so many times now that the fight to stay standing is gone.
When she turns there are tears following one another down her cheeks. She shakes her head. “It’s over, Grey. He didn’t keep his end of the bargain.”
I wait for more but she doesn’t offer, so I ask, “What did he do, Christina?” My hand pats the space beside me for her to sit. She ignores my gesture and paces the room a few times before looking at me again. This time my heart breaks for her. She seems broken, and I want to beat his ass for making her this way.
“He cheated on me.” As the words leave her lips, she sinks into the chair beside me. My arm automatically pulls her into my side. I mumble against her head as she awkwardly grasps my arms. “Do you want me to fly home and beat his ass?”
A laugh escapes her lips, but she doesn’t answer. This has been our way. The first time I met her, she said I would get my ass kicked by the bar when I started working there. It’s been a running joke. This time I’m not kidding, though. If she wants me to go back to Jersey and teach him a lesson, I’ll oblige. At least it would be a fight I’d be allowed to win.
Chapter 3
After a few hours hashing out what a dickhead Jonathan is, we leave for dinner at a local restaurant that serves Mexican food, Christina’s favorite. I assume it has nothing to do wit
h the douchebag who dumped her and his Mexican background, but you never know. Dinner is strained at best. I have shit going on that I’m not willing to share, and I know she’s also holding back. But I relish the time with her because this is as real as I can get right now, and I wouldn’t choose anyone else to spend it with.
Just like old times we end up at a tiny bar, practically the size of my bedroom. I offered to take her gambling, but she wanted nothing to do with it. It was a relief, as gambling isn’t my thing, either. As the night drones on with each of us drowning our sorrows for different reasons, we drink it all away into the early hours of the morning.
A cab takes us back to Meyer’s place. As we climb the front steps, she stumbles, giggling. My hand catches her arm before she can do a face plant. At my touch, she stops laughing and stares up at me, her blue eyes glistening in the light from the moon. Her eyes are glassy from the alcohol, but it still isn’t her usual stare—the comfortable one that says, “What the hell, Rookie,” with a punch to my arm or some other crude remark that shows our ease with each other. This one says something else, and I have to turn the other way. My glance moves to the door as I try to avoid the same look from her—of a need to forget, exactly like that night so long ago when we fell into bed together. I decide in that moment that she has to go, not only to keep her safe from the mob but also from me. I can’t let the only person who still believes in me into my bed. It wouldn’t end well.
Mumbled words leave my lips as I release her arm. “Let’s get you into the house.”
Her body turns toward me a split second later. Before I can move, her arms are around my neck, pulling me down to her level. I try to move away but the urge is too strong. My body moves closer as my lips cover hers carefully, softly, lazily. But I realize as it begins to feel too good that this is wrong. I can’t do this to her. She would hate me forever. I pull away, placing my hands on her shoulders and gently pushing to get distance between us.
My voice a whisper, I say, “Christina, we can’t.”
She tries to move forward but my grip firms up. The hurt on her face breaks my heart but my hands don’t waver.
She pleads, “But Grey, we’re good together. Admit it. Doesn’t it make sense?” Her innocence almost gets me.
I shake my head and turn toward the door. I can’t face her like this. Not when she makes sense. Not when it would be so easy. This is something I can’t let happen. I can’t lose her.
I hold the door open, refusing to look at her. She rushes through the doorway and, as she passes, I hear a heaved breath stifling a sob. I feel like shit for rejecting her, but this is how it has to be.
***
The next morning, I get up and head straight to the kitchen. I still feel terrible about last night with Christina, so I set out to make a big breakfast for her; pancakes, eggs, and bacon. I can call it a truce breakfast at best. A short while later as smells waft through the house, footsteps down the hall make their way to the kitchen. I expect her shining face, but Meyer appears around the corner.
“Hey dude. Breakfast? What’s the special occasion?” He is lackadaisical, as always.
Maybe if I ignore him, he’ll go away. I let a few minutes pass but he doesn’t move.
I turn to what I’m doing at the stove and answer him with a sigh, “Christina is visiting.”
He hesitates. “Ummm, Grey, I think she left earlier this morning.”
I spin around, glaring and about ready to hit him if he opened his mouth and said anything to her. Just fucking great!
His brows rise at my reaction. “I might be wrong. I saw a taxi pull up early this morning and a blonde got in. I didn’t know Christina was here. I just thought you got back on the wagon and had a party in your bed last night.”
I glare at him, snatching my phone from the counter. As I hit her number I ask, “What time, Meyer?”
“I think it was like six this morning.”
“Fine, finish the breakfast.” I don’t wait for a response. My legs rush up the stairs as the phone rings on her end with no answer. Finally a voicemail picks up and I speak hurriedly. “Christina, please don’t leave yet. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you. Just don’t leave…” I stop speaking abruptly, because there are no words I can say on a voicemail to convince her to stay. I need to see her.
I grab my keys and dial the airport to find out that there was a flight out this morning at eight, but another leaves at eleven. It’s ten now, so I can only hope she scheduled the later flight. The last thing I want is for her to hate me. I screwed up once again. She came here to get support to feel better and drown her sorrows. I did nothing to help.
I practically run through the airport to security. When I approach it, I’m stopped. They won’t let me through without a ticket. I end up buying a ticket for the eleven o’clock flight to Jersey. As I make my way to the gate, the thought crosses my mind that maybe I should use this opportunity. Maybe I should go back and start over. Give up fighting. Maybe Christina was right, that we are good together. But would it be the same if we were together like that? Thoughts tumble over one another.
I scan the faces of the waiting passengers as I reach the gate. My heart breaks when I don’t see her. She must have taken the earlier flight. My body collapses into the closest chair as my head hits my palm. Christina, what the hell.
After a while, my phone rings.
“Hello.”
Meyer asks, “Dude, where’d you go? I have all this food here. What do you want me to do with it?”
Frustration fills my words. “I don’t give a fuck, Meyer. Eat it for all I care.” A woman’s voice calls over a speaker, “Now boarding section 1 for the flight to Brunswick, New Jersey.”
Meyer’s tone, still on the line, is strangled. “Um, Greylan, where are you?”
He sounds panicked as it registers. “Don’t leave, Grey. You know you can’t leave.”
I look around as people gather in a line at the door in the wall. My eyes move to the window with a perfect view of the plane beyond. I ask with a sigh, “Why Meyer? Why can’t I leave? What is there left for me here?”
Meyer’s words are broken, his breath coming out jagged. “Greylan, please think about what you’re doing, buddy. Leaving isn’t an option.”
I snap; my words are angry and loud. “No Meyer, you listen. I’m not your buddy. The moment you thought you would make things right was the moment you lost the right to call me that. And leaving is not an option for you. You’re ass-deep in this shit. I’m out.”
I end the call before he can respond, and my eyes scan the area again. He fuckin’ told me to think about things. I do too much of that. I need to just do something. Passengers are eyeing me, offended by my volume and language. But the same woman’s voice comes back on the speaker, distracting them. “Now seating section 2.”
I look at my ticket and realize I’ve already made up my mind. I’ve lost just about everything in my life that means anything. I won’t lose Christina, too. I can’t.
Chapter 4
The flight is long, giving me a lot of time to think. The only regret I have about leaving so suddenly is Trinity. She was worried when I spoke to her yesterday. This is going to add more fuel to the fire. But I can’t focus on that now. As I’ve reasoned so many times before, she has Parker now. She wants it to be him who takes care of her now, not me. I have to accept that and move on.
I get a taxi to my apartment. Luckily I’ve kept it through this whole thing. I might have always had it in the back of my mind that I’d be back. Now, walking into the small space, I feel more at home than I’ve felt in a long time. I collapse on the couch, realizing that I’m tired. I pull my phone out and check it. I’ve received ten calls from Meyer, which I won’t return. He can go to hell as far as I’m concerned. Whatever consequences he’ll suffer because I left, he deserves. Christina has yet to return my call. She should have gotten my message by now, but she’s probably still pissed.
My eyes close and I drift off.
&
nbsp; The dark-haired man with a short beard walks out into the alley behind Brutus’ Bar. He leans into a redhead positioned against the brick wall and says, “So pretty lady, the dude with long hair in there told me to come out if I was interested in making a quick fifty.” The redhead nods. Slowly they move to the corner of the alley and begin kissing one another. A slap rings through the air and a dark figure walks up, moving his fist at the man.
The sound brings me up from the dream; it’s the thud that resonates in my brain, my torture, over and over again.
I move through the apartment, turning on lights in the dullness of dusk. I check my phone again and Meyer has blown it up. I delete all of his messages without listening and debate whether I should try Christina again. Deciding against it, I head for the shower. She won’t answer my calls, but maybe she’ll listen if I show up at the bar.
An hour later I’m standing on the threshold of Juno’s. The bar has just opened, so there are very few customers. My body is uneasy. I know this could be the make or break of my relationship with Christina. I can’t get involved with her because of my deal, but I can’t lose her friendship. Too many times now I’ve hurt people who are important to me. I have to make it right with her.
When I walk in, the first thing I notice is the bartender—a different girl that I don’t recognize, with short brown hair and a Juno’s tank pulled tight, barely covering her chest. She looks up as I walk over to the counter and asks with a smile, “Hey there, what can I get ya?”
“I’m looking for Christina. Is she around?” My voice is low. I have a sinking feeling that she won’t be in.
“Sorry, she isn’t in town right now. Can I help?” Her eyes widen, signaling her words have a different meaning. I shake my head, debating what my next move should be. But before I can respond, Juno walks up from the hall, a cigarette in her hand, tense lines etched into her forehead. She puts the cigarette out in a glass on the bar and glares in my direction.
No Fear Page 2
