I tell him what I’ve seen, but he says Maddie’s just a friend and likes to help him out. Too much, he says, which is part of why they broke up.
I accept his answers, about being too sick to call anyone, about his text messaging being down, about him not being sure I wanted to continue with him, all of it—I force myself to believe, because I’m just in too deep to give up.
So—we begin again—to meet over a book. Every day of October, I read after school to Kyle. Nothing else happens. His hand brushes mine, he gives me a kiss when I have to leave. Sometimes I wonder if Alicia’s right, if Kyle is only using me. But when our lips do meet, it’s like no other sensation I’ve had—soft and warm yet powerful and consuming. He has to force himself to pull away, like he’s holding back for my sake. I’m addicted and can’t walk away.
As the book draws to a close, I wonder what will happen to us. The first week of November, we get an early snow, and Kyle startles me with the news that he may be failing English.
“I was sick a week, Liz. Of course, I fell behind.” Flushed with frustration, Kyle looks like he needs a break. I know better than to suggest that, though.
“Outline and opening paragraph—gee, Kyle, couldn’t you have faked that without reading the whole book?”
I can feel my shoulder blades hard against the wall as we sit together on the floor, me slipping the bookmark between the pages. We only have one chapter to go but it’s time for me to leave.
“I could have asked my Mom to help. I wouldn’t have told her it was for you. She and Veen used to be buddies in college. She knows how his brain works.”
“Never mind your mother helping me, just stay and finish the last chapter,” he pleads.
I look at my watch. So what if I’m late for supper, I can tell Mom I was helping a friend with homework.
“Sure,” I tell him.
“Can we just shift to the bed, though? I think I’m getting floor sores from sitting here so long.”
My shoulder blades and butt bones feel like they’re going to burst through my skin so I nod. “Okay.”
Beauty is near Kyle’s feet, and, as I’m bending my knees to sit, Beauty jumps up on the bed, something I never allowed her to do back when she lived with us.
“Honestly, Beauty, what are you thinking?” Kyle pushes the dog down and slides in beside me.
“She’s been acting up a lot lately, hasn’t she?” I ask him as I watch Beauty reluctantly touch down on the floor again, ears and tail drooping in disappointment.
“No, she hasn’t,” he snaps. Beauty skulks under the bed.
“Kyle?” I watch the hardness in his face dissolve. From a straight line, his lips turn first upwards then slightly down. They bunch now, as does the skin around his eyes. Kyle looks scared.
“All right—since I was sick, she’s become impossible. I think it was because Shawna had to take her for walks. For all I know, she probably lets Beauty sleep on her bed, too. Now Mom wants to call in the trainer.”
“Well, the trainer can suggest things.”
“Like I’m the wrong person to have a dog guide? I am, and you’ve always known I was. You used to say it yourself.”
“Come on.” I lean towards him and brush his face with my fingers, trying to smooth away his fears. “That was before I got to know you.”
He leans forward and our lips touch. I can’t pull away. It’s as if a tide is washing me towards him. I feel everything inside me loosen and open, even as in the distance I hear a door opening.
“Kyle! What are you doing?” Tall, dark-haired, and slim, the lady standing at the door has to be his mother, the resemblance is so strong. And it seems they share the same lightning-trigger fury.
“You’re in bed with a girl. ” Her voice snaps like a binder ring.
“Mom, it’s not what you think. She’s been reading Blindness to me. Look, here’s the book.”
Kyle pats all around on the bed but, of course, the book’s still lying on the floor, where we were reading before. I leap up, snatch it, and wave it frantically in front of Mrs. Nicholson’s face. Her expression stays granite hard, her features chiselled with anger. Beauty pushes out from under the bed at that moment, too, wagging her tail violently to match the energy in the room. She jumps onto my knees.
“Down, Beauty,” I yell at her.
“No wonder the dog doesn’t behave. Kyle, I don’t care what was happening here. You were told not to see Elizabeth again.”
“Well, let’s just think about that for a moment, shall we, Mom?” Kyle’s voice sounds dry with a bitterness I haven’t heard before. “I’ve never seen Elizabeth in my entire life.”
His mother’s face flushes a deep crimson as she steps towards him, sputtering.
“I’ll be going home now,” I interrupt. “Kyle, maybe your mother can finish the last chapter for you.”
Kyle stands up from the bed now.
“Wait for me. I’ll walk you home.” He rushes out after me. His mother stays in the bedroom, counting to a hundred—or whatever else she does to calm down.
At the front door, Beauty horses around before stepping into the harness. Once again, I’m astounded at her bad behaviour. Too much unchannelled energy.
Kyle and I struggle into our coats as Beauty circles and tangles herself between us.
“Beauty, forward!” Kyle finally commands and we head outside.
“This probably isn’t the best idea. You’ll have to walk the whole way back yourself.” The wind howls cold around us. Pumped with anger, Kyle really power marches. We’re past the bus stop by the time he answers me.
“I don’t know, Liz. I want to be with you as much as possible. Every time we’re together feels like the last time.”
I squeeze his arm. I know how he feels, and since his Mom caught us, who know what will happen? We huddle together against the wind, me hanging back so that Beauty can lead.
At the park, I spot a small figure throwing stones into the river. The figure looks lonelier and sadder than I feel. “Oh, my gosh, it’s Donald. Doesn’t he ever go home?”
“Maybe he forgot his key again. He should tie it around his neck.” Kyle shakes his head. “Kid wants to be a lawyer when he grows up. He’d better train his memory a little better.”
I chuckle. “Oh, Kyle. Donald doesn’t really want to be lawyer. You told him you want to study law. Donald wants to be exactly like you.”
I spot his backpack on a bench. Donald hasn’t even gone home from school yet. I shake my head.
“He worships you, Kyle. Do you know he dresses just like you and fixes his hair exactly like yours?’
“You’re kidding.” Kyle sounds amazed but pleased. A smile creeps across his face. “I always thought he just hung around me because of Beauty.”
“And he wants a dog just like you, too. All he ever talks about is the dog his mother says she’ll get him.”
“Okay, so I’ll be nicer to him,” Kyle says and stops for a moment.
“I’m not exactly the greatest role model. Tell me something…” He pauses and his mouth buckles with emotion. “Do you think I could ever make a good dad?”
I stare back at him for a moment. Guys don’t ask stuff like that—for sure Scott never does. He hates babies, especially when they’re crying. Certainly, he never thinks about having a family of his own. But Kyle’s asking something more, I think—it’s like he’s wondering whether he can ever have a normal, everyday kind of life. I smile, remembering Kyle holding and rocking Teal, singing to him.
“Of course, you will,” I answer.
CHAPTER 18
Kyle Alone
Mom gets the last laugh on me for sneaking Liz over behind her back. She calls Canine Vision to report Beauty’s bad behaviour. The trainer comes and, watching Beauty act up, especially around Shawna, insists she goes back for remedial training. I’m totally helpless and dependent again. The next week, I kick my locker in frustration at the end of the school day. Did I just spin the wrong combination, or did I mi
scount lockers?
“I can’t stand it,” I complain to Ryan. At least I hope it’s Ryan, still standing there.
“How did I ever get along without Beauty? Everybody keeps asking about her, too. Someone started the rumour that I’d shaken her to death.”
“Who cares?” He slaps my shoulder. “Tomorrow’s Friday. Lighten up. Next week, you’ll get your doggie back, right?”
Bang. Ryan shuts his locker and his mind to my problems. “Like you said, you got along without her before.”
“Uh huh. Remember how you ditched me in the mall bathroom that lunch hour?”
“Can’t say I do, my man. I swear you are gifted with memory. See ya around.”
“Wait!” I reach out and grab some part of his jacket.
“Yeah, what?”
“You promised to take me to the library.” The library is where I’ve been meeting Liz since Mom found us in my room. Liz finished reading Blindness to me, and we worked on the essay in the computer lab.
“Right! Come this way.”
I grab hold of his arm and shuffle alongside him. It’s humiliating. This is a school I’ve gone to for four years, and I still can’t make my own way to the library. Depending on Mr. Undependable again—that’s humiliating, too.
As we step into the library, a horrible thought forms, even as Elizabeth calls for me to come and sit next to her by the computer. What if Beauty doesn’t shape up during the week away? I trip over a few chairs and finally stumble into the empty one beside her. The thought turns into a clear hard bubble that I recognize. They won’t give her back to me then, and I won’t be able to go to Queens like this—not by myself.
Liz’s baby-sweet scent melts me, and her voice talking about my essay plays a song through my whole body. But I can feel my throat seize up. Liz won’t go with me to Queen’s next year. She’s not old enough. I need Beauty.
Mom ranted about a lot of things that day when she caught us “in bed together,” as she put it—how Liz was too young for me; how her mother hated me and how I could never turn that around; how there were lots of other girls perfect for me—what about Maddison, for heaven’s sake? But the only thing she said that made any sense was this: Beauty would never entirely be my dog as long as her previous foster owner, Elizabeth, was around me.
“Liz, stop reading the essay for a moment. Tell me what you look like.”
“Do you want to feel my face and see for yourself?”
I smile. It’s a common misconception among sighted people. They think somehow I can magically piece together their appearance by running my hands over their eyes, noses, and mouths. But with Liz, for this one last time, I do want to touch her.
“Yeah, but tell me, too. I want to try to form a picture in my mind.” I hear her sigh as she lifts my hands and puts them on her face.
I move them back over her head. “I know your hair is red, but what shade is it exactly? Carrot-coloured?”
“No. You’re going to laugh, but it’s almost the same colour as Beauty’s, maybe one shade brighter.”
My fingers bump over thick curls. “That doesn’t help me much. I’ve never seen Beauty, either.” I tangle my fingers in what feels like ringlets.
“Okay, how about this: Do you remember the colour of fall leaves once they land on the ground?”
I nod.
“That’s about the same colour as my hair.”
“Mmm.”
“It gets frizzy. But when I iron it, the stupid curls flatten and my hair goes smooth.”
I move my fingers to her forehead and run them over her eyebrows down onto her eyelids.
“My eyebrows are lighter, and my eyelashes, well, they’re white—except I’m wearing mascara today.”
“Your skin, what colour is it?” It feels smooth and warm beneath my fingers.
“White, I don’t tan well. And pink—I blush easily. I guess my skin is pretty pale. But I have freckles across my nose.”
“Freckles,” I repeat. Maddie has freckles too, I remember; I try to imagine a curly-haired girl with autumn-coloured hair and a sunshine-kissed nose. “What colour are your eyes?”
“Light brown, with darker flecks surrounding the pupils. It’s almost like I have freckles in my eyes.”
My fingers slide over her cheeks.
“I have a round face and apple cheeks. The freckles and the cheeks make me look young.”
Ryan’s big problem with her. But it’s not mine. For me, the only problem is Beauty. My thumbs brush over Liz’s lips. They’re soft and moist, and I don’t resist kissing them. For one moment, I forget about Beauty, too. All I care about is this.
Then we break apart again. Liz clears her throat. I remember the big problem between us, and my face turns warm.
“Listen…” I pause and drop my voice lower. “There’s something else we have to talk about.” I stop for a moment and inhale deeply. My chest tightens anyway. The bottom of my throat closes up.
“Kyle?” Liz sounds young and hurt, and already so far away. “I’m not going to like this, am I?”
I shake my head. “Neither of us will. You know I have to go away to school next year.”
“You don’t have to; you said you could go to Mac. That’s not even a half hour away.”
“But I want to go Queens. I need to get away from my mother.… I have to make it on my own.” My voice breaks and Elizabeth slips her hand in mine. I swallow and start again.
“Your mother won’t even let us go out anyway. I can live with the sneaking around. I can do that for you. You’re worth it. But…” She kisses my hand, and I pull it away. “But I can’t live without Beauty.”
“You’ll have her back on Monday. Didn’t the trainer say she was doing well?” Liz rushes the words out at once.
“The trainer said Beauty will never listen to me with you around. You know that yourself. We have to break up.”
Liz’s voice dissolves into soft kitten sobs. It’s the most beautiful sound in the world, what I fell in love with really, that first day, when she tripped over the grate at Little Stone Park. She quietly cries out all the feelings that I can’t really show to anyone.
I want to hold her and feel her shoulders shake. I reach my hands out, but pull them back. It will only make things worse, when I can’t let go. “I’ll always love you, you know that.”
I touch her shoulder lightly and then stumble away.
CHAPTER 19
Elizabeth and Magic
An hour in the library, and then I take the long way home, crying all the way. It’s already dark outside and has to be one of the coldest November days on record. My tears feel as though they’re beading into ice on my cheeks. My nose feels like it’s fallen off my face. It’s pretty late when I finally turn onto our walkway. Mom’s car sits in the driveway, ticking the way it does when the engine’s just been shut off, but it sounds as impatient as Mom can be. I step through the door, expecting the worst.
“I thought you said she was walking Magic. Why is the dog still in her crate?” Mom keeps talking at Rolph, as if I haven’t just walked in and am standing right beside her. She’s still dressed in her teacher dress— pants and jacket—so she must have beaten me home by minutes.
Yeah, stupid! I look at Rolph. If he didn’t always keep Magic crated, Mom wouldn’t have even noticed. Rolph opens his eyes wide at me, in panic.
“Sorry, what a brain!” He slaps the heel of his hand against his forehead. “You were going to see Alicia, right?” There’s a knifelike sharpness in his eyes. We’re in this together, it says.
I feel sick. I’m stuck, even though I don’t want to be in with Rolph on anything.
Anyway, if Mom looks my way she’ll be able to read the lie from my face, no doubt red and smudged from the crying and the cold. I turn to the crate to hide, and to let Magic out.
But Mom’s not paying any attention to me, anyway. Teal’s just finished a crawl to Magic’s food dishes, and now he slaps his hand on the water in one of the dishes, splashing it
everywhere. “Don’t, baby!” she calls.
“Teal, don’t,” Rolph repeats, and rushes to scoop the baby up.
“I caught him eating dog food from the cupboard earlier.” Rolph clicks his tongue at Magic—as though it’s her fault. “Do you think he’s all right?”
I give Rolph a look. He’s dressed in a grease-stained grey sweatsuit. Slob. Doesn’t he ever watch Teal when he’s around? I’d like to tell him exactly what I think of him but remember the expression in his eyes, knife blades shining, so I grit my teeth. Instead, I just kneel beside Magic and pat her.
“We’ll have to put the kibble up higher.” Mom wipes up the water with a rag. “Don’t worry. He’ll be fine. All kids try pet food at some time or another.”
Mom’s so busy with Teal, she doesn’t have time to consider that Rolph’s explanation about where I was makes no sense—Magic would have come with me to Alicia’s. Her constant preoccupation is useful lately. She has no clue about Kyle. Not that it matters, when it’s all over between us. I can’t believe it’s over.
The phone rings. Kyle? He has to change his mind.
Mom leans over to check call-display.
“It’s Alicia. Honestly, Elizabeth, you just left her. What could you possibly have to say to each other already?”
“Shakespeare homework.”
Only half a lie, since I really need to work on my own project for a change. I quickly scoop up the portable. “Let’s go, Magic.” She follows me to my room and watches me talk to Alicia.
“You nearly blew my cover calling just now,” I tell her, “but am I ever glad to hear your voice.” I slump back on my bed, and Magic leaps up beside me. Then I unload about everything that happened in the library.
Alicia stays pretty quiet.
“You’re not saying anything. What do you think?”
“Well, what do you want me to say? It was inevitable. Your mother would have found out about you seeing him sooner or later. And, like he said, he is going away in September.”
“But there’s a lot of time left—and other people have long-distance relationships.”
Beauty Returns Page 9
