“Ugh, fine; I’ll do it,” Cody said, walking toward the old coat rack by the door. “But I get the good shovel, though.”
“Cool, thanks man” Chris said. “Really though, tie your boots tight; don’t want anything slipping in.”
“Yeah, I got it,” Cody waved off.
“Right, well Chris that leaves you with uh… you know,” Adam finished. Only he, Chris, and Nolan stood together now. All of them shared the same expression, though Nolan’s may have been a bit more pained than the others.
“I… Yeah, yeah I got it,” Chris accepted, slinking upstairs. Nolan winced a little, staring at the floor, and Adam caringly grabbed him by the shoulder, only somewhat grabbing his attention.
“Hey,” he said. Nolan glanced up at him. “You go through the whole PTSD stuff again?”
“It’s not PTSD, I just didn’t sleep well,” Nolan said.
“Right, so how long have you not been ‘sleeping well,’ exactly? Four years?” Adam countered. “Look, whatever you want to call it, just… try to move on from it right now, okay? Focus on the work; maybe that’ll help.”
Nolan gave a small nod, and forced a smile at Adam, who walked toward the door to grab a coat himself.
“Wait, what am I fixing this wall with?” Nolan said.
“Figure it out,” Adam repeated, his back turned. “And Nolan, not just paint.” He glanced over the back of his shoulder at Nolan, and then made his way out the front door.
Nolan sighed, and slowly made his way into the weapons and supplies room to see what he could use to fix the wall. Hopefully Jeremy hadn’t torn the place to shreds already looking for his notebook.
Everyone inside took their time working on their own individual tasks. It was quiet but for the sounds each made as they worked, and the snow and wind gently tapping on the windows and walls they had held together for the past few years. It was a nice change of pace to their past system of playing music; that got old, fast. Each of the guys just took their time getting their jobs done, for the most part enjoying their peaceful silence.
Outside however, Adam and Cody spoke as they shoveled, remaining relatively close to each other the whole time they forged their new path through the thickly settling snow.
“So, Nolan’s getting the thoughts all over again, huh?” Cody asked, looking up at Adam, who just continued to shovel. “The uh… what do you call it, PTSD?”
“I mean, I don’t think he ever stopped getting it, dude,” he replied. “It might just be getting worse, if anything.”
“Well have you tried talking to him?” Cody asked. “You know, like actually talking to him? Like uh, what is it… like friends are supposed to?”
“I mean I put my hand on his shoulder, told him to focus on work, doesn’t that count for something?” Adam said, looking at Cody. He groaned.
“No dude! That’s just you brushing it off and moving on. Sure, maybe you comforted him a little bit, but you acted like it wasn’t a big deal!” Cody argued.
“Well Codes, is it? Really? We all think about shit, he just deals with something a little more complex,” Adam said.
“A lot more complex!” Cody shouted, though he noticed, and brought himself down. “Look, I’m just saying, you know how bad it was, we all do, but he was the one who made the decision; he still lives with it. When you think about it, he decided why and how we got everywhere we did after that point.”
“Please, we all did, it was a group effort!” Adam said. Cody just scoffed at him.
“Yeah, okay,” he waved off. “If you had any real say, we never would have left Cyrus’s again.”
“Maybe not, but still, I led our asses once we got back here,” Adam insisted. Cody just laughed, and Adam smiled a bit.
“So… Chris’s got wake-up duty, huh?” Cody continued, though he now spoke as he shoveled.
“Yeah,” Adam answered, not looking up, “I mean the mornings are definitely bad, but… it’s not as bad as the night terrors, right?”
“I guess not. Plus, it’s been getting better, hasn’t it?” Cody said.
“I mean, sort of…” Adam replied. “You know, as much as it ever will, I guess.”
“Yeah…”
They didn’t say much else after that, and returned to the task at hand, hoping Chris the best of luck; he’d need it. There was a reason everyone chose the other jobs so quick, and it wasn’t because they were so eager to do chores.
Chris slunk his way up the stairs, taking one deep breath after the other with each step. He heard the bustle from downstairs, and a part of him sincerely wished that he could be down there with them– he’d even be willing to shovel for a short time– but he knew that he had to do this. No matter how hard it was.
He got to the bedroom door on the left, and stopped for a moment, hesitant. It was never easy, this job. Probably why Cody decided so quickly to help out Adam with the shoveling when he wouldn’t. Probably why everyone decided to do everything else so quickly. Still, he knew he couldn’t let Nolan do it, even if his job was meaningless– and it was; there was no way he could possibly fix the wall. They had nothing for that.
He took another deep breath, and opened the door in one swift swing. He wasn’t loud, but still, he wanted to just get it over with, see what he hated to see so much, and deal with it. Like ripping off a four year old band-aid.
There it was. The sight that made them all in some way or another feel that same gut-wrenching, stomach-churning, heartbreaking feeling. The sight that almost tore them apart all over again just around four years ago.
There was Luke, laid still in his bed. His eyes were clenched shut, his hands balled into tight fists; he was completely disconnected from the world. Completely zoned out of life.
After – 1
“Last Day in Bristleback”
“Look at him! This is your fault Nolan! This happened because of you!” Adam shouted into Nolan’s face. He gripped his own face into his hand, turning away from Nolan in exasperation.
“Hey, it is not his fault!” Cody defended, jumping up. “He made a call! Whether it was the right one or not, who can say, but he made it. We all wanted to do it, he just did.”
“He could have killed our friend! He basically did!” Adam argued, turning back to now face the others again.
Nolan just sat there, clearly trying to hold back from crying as he stared at Luke; he once again fell lost to his own mind, outside silently, gazing at the stars. Even through the window, Nolan could see his tears.
“Luke, come on man, we’re right here. We’re right here…” he whispered– more to himself than anyone else– hoping desperately that his friend may at last come back to reality, for good this time.
“Adam, would you calm down for Christ’s sake? You’ll probably just freak him out,” Jeremy said angrily. “I’m sure he can hear you.”
“Look at what you’re saying, Jeremy! We’re not supposed to be his parents! We shouldn’t have to solely take care of him! We do that for each other! All together! Not this!” Adam said.
“He just gets kind of freaked out sometimes, that doesn’t mean we have to parent him!” Chris countered. “We’re his friends, that’s what friends do!”
“Yeah dude, he would do this for any and all of us if the tables were turned, you know that,” Derrick said. “Just because it hurts, that doesn’t mean you should take it out on Nolan.”
“We made the wrong call, and now we have to deal with it, for God knows how long. My friend, who I’ve known since I was like five, is now a borderline-comatose patient, because half the time he just…just shuts off! And rather than putting him out of his misery,” Adam pointed again over to Nolan, “he insisted we keep him around, because he’s so sure Luke’s gonna get better. Well guess what guys? Luke’s not getting any better! It’s been two years, and he’s still not any better! None of Cyrus’s people know what’s wrong with him, and he’s shown no positive signs in years! He is not getting better!”
“Yes he is!” Cody sho
uted back. “Most of the time he’s fully with it!”
“That’s bullshit Cody, and you know it!” Adam said. “Most of the time he’s having another existential crisis and aimlessly doing work! How is that Luke!?”
“He’s always had anxiety, how is this different!?” Jeremy asked. “It’s a big god damn deal to go through what he went through and come back; I’d be freaking the hell out too!”
Nolan turned away from Luke, and stood up, now facing Adam directly. The others went silent, not sure what would happen next. Adam held his ground, and stared Nolan down. But Nolan didn’t budge.
The wind howled past Luke, and scraped up against the window like claws, itching to get in and fill their small home with the cold.
“Adam, listen to me, I get what you’re trying to say, and I get what you’re going through. I go through it every single day,” Nolan said. “But regardless of what we should’ve done, he’s here, and…and we have to try our best to bring him back as much as we can, for as long as we can. That’s what he would do.”
Nolan waited a moment to hear Adam’s retort, but no such thing came. Adam just stared him down, listening.
“Maybe you’re right,” Nolan continued. “Maybe this is all my fault; I don’t know. But one way or another, I’m gonna make this better, so why can’t you just accept that and help me, like Luke would want? And not try to kill him like some old worn-out animal? He’s your friend– he’s your god damn brother– and you don’t kill your brothers.”
Nolan finished, and still, he didn’t move. Adam just stared back, and still, he didn’t say a word. The others all cautiously watched them, just as nervous as to what was may happen next as before. When Adam did nothing, Nolan just turned away, and walked outside to be with Luke.
Cody gripped his head, and let out a heavy breath. They hadn’t fought with each other so much as in the past couple days since the day it happened, at the laboratory. He really hoped it wouldn’t have go that far again just to come together. But right now, they were seriously torn apart.
Day 2001 – Pt II
“The Girl”
“Luke? C’mon buddy, it’s time to wake up,” Chris said, crouched by the side of the bed, lightly gripping onto his friend’s shoulder.
Luke stirred, but he didn’t wake up. Chris sighed, and gave him a light shove on the shoulder. He knew that was risky, but so was keeping him asleep for too long. Or too short. It was so hard to tell.
“I know you’re probably having a great wet-dream there pal, but it’s time to get up; the guys are already working,” Chris joked, hoping more conversation would get him up.
“Hmm…” Luke murmured, causing Chris to perk up a little.
“There you go pal, come on,” he encouraged.
“Ugh… Nuh…” Luke continued to mutter, his eyes fluttering open and closed haphazardly.
“Luke… you there man?” Chris asked, doing his best to look into his still-opening eyes. Luke just continued to murmur, but then his eyes clenched shut, and he paused. Chris knew what that meant. He had to prepare himself; it was never an easy ride.
“NO!” Luke screamed, now rolling around in his bed. “Gah! Stop! Stop!” He gripped at his head, still rolling– at this point convulsing– with Chris only growing more and more uneasy.
He quickly remembered what he had to do though, and sat down on the bed, trying to hold down Luke’s arms. He had a tendency to smack and reach for his head, and sometimes he could get very forceful; so much so that he’d start cutting himself with his nails, and taking out strands of hair.
“Luke! Luke! Listen to me man, you’re in the house, with us! You’re just having a bad dream!” Chris said. “It’s alright man, it’s alright.”
“Get off! Stop it! Get it off of me!” Luke wailed. Chris sighed, and just continued to hold down his friend’s arms. He knew that the others could all hear from downstairs too, which made it all the worse that he couldn’t do his job.
“Luke, please…! You’re okay, I promise!” Chris insisted. “Just take a deep breath buddy, I’m right here! I’m…I’m right here.”
Despite Chris’s best efforts, it wasn’t enough to calm Luke down. Not that he really expected it to, but Luke didn’t always talk during these spats either. Most of the time it was just shouting, or crying. This was one of the first times Chris had actually dealt with it while he was also saying something, so who knew? Maybe conversation was key.
“Please…! P-Please, I–!” Luke pleaded, tears now streaming from his clenched shut eyes. “N…N-Nolan! Nolan, please!” Chris looked down at Luke’s face, puzzled.
“What? You want Nolan, buddy?” Chris asked, curious, and also somewhat hopeful.
“Nolan, please! Stop!” Luke shouted. Chris got up, thinking quickly, and opened the door. He was going to call for Nolan, but by the time Chris looked outside, he was already halfway up the stairs.
“He’s calling your name,” Chris said.
“Yeah, I heard,” Nolan said, brushing past Chris and making his way toward the edge of the bed.
“Well do you know why?” Chris asked, still perplexed. Nolan shook his head.
“No, but maybe he just wants me or… something,” Nolan thought aloud. “Luke, Luke it’s me, I’m right here.”
“Nolan, help! Help me, please!” Luke yelled. “Please just… stop!” Nolan winced, and looked back to Chris with a frightened and confused look on his face. Chris was just as dumbfounded though, so he wasn’t much help.
“Luke I’m…I’m right here, man,” Nolan said, grabbing his friend by the shoulder. “Breathe alright, just…just breathe.” Luke slightly calmed down, and Nolan let a small smile crack out. “Good, just keep that up.”
“Nolan…Nolan I’m…I’m not…” Luke muttered, his tone now slipping back to a more hazy state.
“I know, I know,” Nolan said, looking back at Chris. “Why don’t uh… why don’t you go finish up the wall thing, alright? I’ll take care of this.” Chris hesitated, taking a cautious step or two out the door.
“Are you sure? You sure you can handle this right now?” he asked, offering to stay. Nolan paused, looking Chris dead in the eyes.
“I have to,” he said. Chris paused, gazing at Luke. Then he looked back to Nolan, and nodded, slowly making his way downstairs.
He heard Nolan muttering– he was pretty sure he heard something about Emily and Lily– and then, a few minutes later, he didn’t hear Luke speaking at all, and the thrashing had stopped.
By now it was at least 5:00 in the afternoon. Probably a little later, Adam wagered. He had spent a long time trying to use the location and position of the sun to get an idea of what time it was, considering their last working clock broke something like a year ago.
After all the work was done, they tended to just… keep working. They really didn’t know what else to do with themselves. In a way he figured it was nice; better than being on the run from constant danger and death, really.
But then again, with what they had to deal with now? Part of him missed that aspect of life. Adam was only 24, but he felt a hell of a lot older; they all did.
As much as it may not have been the case back in the day, he wasn’t a young man anymore, and having to deal with all these mental and emotional dilemmas was only making it worse. He always felt like they were on the verge of some kind of a fight with each other all over again. Maybe it was just him– after all the past certainly didn’t help to provide evidence otherwise– but still, the way things had been, Adam just didn’t know how much more of it they could take before something broke. And he didn’t want anything to break again.
“Adam, we’re having an early dinner, c’mon!” Chris shouted from the front door. Adam was busy outside, still making paths through the snow. He made one to the van, from the van to the road, from the front door to the watchtower– on the right side of the house, stage-right technically. He even made one around the whole house, even though he knew nobody would use it. It was all he could do to
stay occupied.
“Alright, I’ll just be a minute,” he said, looking back over his shoulder. Chris nodded, and shut the door behind him.
“I wonder what kind of ‘cereal’ Der whipped up tonight…?” Adam muttered to himself, smiling a little.
He turned to walk away, when he noticed something. Or rather, he heard something. It sounded like… something fell into the snow.
They had made a wall around the house a couple years back; it was seven, maybe eight feet tall, made out of wood and stones, a few nails here and there– a real amalgamation of all their best efforts. It was nice, but not nice enough to really keep anything out if it wanted to get in. So, if anything had fallen, it would have fallen from the wall.
Adam stared out at the yard for a few moments, turning to look wherever he could see. The snow made it difficult, and the wind made it even harder to hear. Still, Adam knew he heard something.
“Hello?” Adam called out. He heard nothing. “Anyone there?” Nothing. “Look, if there is someone there, it’s a bad idea to try attack us, I promise. Leave the way you came, and we won’t have any trouble.” Still nothing. Maybe he was just being paranoid. Could have just been a pile of snow that fell from the top of the wall, maybe even a tree; that made more sense, after all.
Adam looked out for a moment more before turning away, returning inside the house, shutting the door behind him, and locking it.
Everyone sat at the kitchen table; it was nice, since they never used to do that. After a while they had drifted again– hell they still did from time to time– so it was always good to see everyone together. Chris and Jeremy were sitting on one end of the table, and Nolan and Luke were at the other. In between Nolan and Jeremy was Cody, and Derrick was at the counter, looking back at them.
Adam sat down at the other end of the table, opposite Cody.
“So, what are we having tonight Der?” Adam asked. “Shit with a hint of cereal?” The others all chuckled, and Derrick just stood smug, grabbing a bowl and handing it over to Adam.
The Way Back (Book 2): The Way Back, Part II Page 2
