by Desiree Holt
“So much it’s killing me,” Cole admitted it. “I just couldn’t… I didn’t know how…”
“All right, all right.” Jake cut him off. “Will you do whatever we tell you to get her back?”
“Anything. I’ll do whatever it takes. I can’t lose her, Jake.” His voice was raw with need and hunger, the pain in his heart coloring his words.
“Okay. We’re heading to Sean’s. We’ll just leave your car here. I’ll have whoever’s around deliver it to Sean’s tomorrow.”
He called Sean and told him they were on the way.
Chapter Ten
Tara had no idea what to do next. She could always go back to her house, taking Molly with her. She had kept the place as a backstop in case this stupid bargain came apart. But even in her darkest thoughts, she’d never envisioned anything like this.
The doorbell rang just as she finished feeding Molly her lunch. She tried ignoring it, even when it rang three more times. There wasn’t a person in the world she wanted to see right now. The ringing stopped, but heavy pounding on the door replaced it.
Then she heard Lindsey’s voice. “Tara, if you don’t open this door and let me in, I’m breaking a window and coming in that way. You don’t want to do that to a pregnant woman, do you?”
Reluctantly, she opened the front door. Lindsey stood there, her eyes intent on Tara’s face. Emilio was just behind her.
“You look like hell,” she said. “Come on.” She grabbed Tara’s arm and marched her into the kitchen, Emilio on her heels.
Molly was banging noisily on her highchair tray. The little girl looked up at everyone and smiled, showing two new teeth. Lindsey sat Tara down in a chair, found a teething cookie in the pantry and handed it to the baby.
“All right.” She dropped into a chair. “Don’t open your mouth until I’m finished. I know what happened last night and before you start feeling uncomfortable and trying to hide, Jake had to tell me because he was worried about you.”
“Jake knows?” Tara’s face turned red then white. “Oh, my god. Everything?”
“And Sean,” Lindsey added.
“Has Cole told the whole world?” Tara’s eyes filled with tears. She covered her face with her hands.
Lindsey tugged gently at her hands, forcing Tara to look at her. “He didn’t want to tell anyone, but when Jake found him holed up at the office this morning, Cole was close to suicidal, so Jake got the whole story out of him.”
Tara shook her head. “I was thinking of taking Molly to my place for a while. I can’t face anyone right now.”
“You listen to me.” Lindsey leaned forward, forcing Tara to look at her. “I am not going to leave you alone, no matter what you say. You’re coming out to the ranch for a few days.”
When Tara started to protest again, Lindsey just shook her head. “Everything’s already set up. You and Molly will have my old room. You don’t have to do anything but sit. Luisa’s wonderful about taking care of people with emotional wounds. I should know. She did it for me many times.”
“Oh, Lindsey, I can’t. Thank you but that’s impossible.” She covered her face with her hands again. “There are things you don’t know.”
Lindsey was adamant. “Being alone is the worst thing you can do. Cole is a good, decent man, who suffered a terrible blow, but it’s time for him to deal with it. Then the two of you need to talk.”
“I can’t talk to him.” Tara shook her head. “I can’t face myself, much less him.”
“Honey, when the time is right, you have to. This thing can’t just lie between you like the elephant in the room.”
“There’s so much I don’t understand,” Tara cried. “What is he hiding? What is so awful that he can’t tell me about it? Why does he hate Molly so much? Why did he get so drunk? Why couldn’t he just come to me and…” Tara stopped, her voice threatening to crack.
“Stop. Not another word. You need some space to think, and the ranch is just the place for that. So let’s get going.”
“But Jake will be there and…”
“Tara.” Lindsey took Tara’s hands and pulled them away from her face. “Jake is one of the gentlest, most sensitive people in the world. He has his own history. I guarantee you he will go out of his way to respect your privacy and make you feel comfortable.” She chuckled. “On the other hand, if I don’t have any success with you, he’s going to come here, throw you over his shoulder and drag you out to the ranch himself.”
Tara smiled weakly at the thought.
“All right.” Lindsey wiped Molly’s face and hands and lifted the little girl out of the highchair, handing her to Tara. “Tell Emilio where the luggage is so he can bring it upstairs. We’re going to pack whatever you need for a few days for you and Molly. What we forget we can buy. And don’t argue with me. Stress isn’t good for a pregnant woman.”
Tara had to admit getting away from the house would be a relief. She needed to sort out her feelings. The ranch was such a soothing place to be, and it would be great for Molly.
“You’re right,” she said, giving in. “The luggage is in the garage. If you can keep Molly busy, I’ll get us packed.” She handed Molly back and hugged her friend. “Thanks. I don’t…I just…”
“It’s all right. You don’t need to say anything else.”
* * * *
Luisa was waiting for them when Emilio brought the suitcases into the ranch house. She reached at once for Molly, who smiled and gurgled at her. The woman gave the little girl a warm smile.
“She hasn’t had her nap today,” Tara told her.
“We’ll take care of that right now. We’ll just get her into bed, and she’ll go off like a rock. If you want to come up with us, Mrs. Cassidy, I’ll show you how the room is fixed, and you can let me know if you need any changes.”
“Tara. Please call me Tara.” Formality certainly wouldn’t work in this situation. She hugged Luisa. “And thank you so much.”
She was touched at the trouble they’d gone to, trying to make her comfortable. Lindsey’s old bedroom was huge, with a king-sized bed and a large dresser. The crib was set up close to the bed and even had a mobile attached to it. Jason’s old changing table was set up in a corner and Luisa had stocked it with everything she’d need. Fresh flowers stood in a vase on the dresser and a stack of mysteries sat on the bedside table. There was even a rocking chair. Sun poured in through the oversized windows, giving everything a warm glow.
Tara was overwhelmed. She could feel the tears starting again. “I don’t know what to say except thank you.”
Lindsey took Tara’s arm and steered her to the door. “Why don’t you let Luisa put Molly down, and we’ll go dig into the pot of hot chocolate that’s waiting.”
Lindsey carried the tray with the mugs and a plate of Mexican wedding cookies into the living room, where Emilio had built a fire that now roared and crackled in the fireplace. Sitting on the big couch, she patted the cushions for Tara to sit next to her.
“Cole is at Sean’s under house arrest, which is why you aren’t hearing from him. He won’t bother you until you’re ready to see him. So just kick back, okay?”
Time passed in a blur for Tara. For the next two days, she was like a zombie. She ate, she slept, she washed and she dressed. While Luisa cared for Molly, Tara sat in one of the rockers on the front porch, huddled into her jacket, thinking yet trying not to think. Her mind was as battered as her body. She was so cold on the inside she didn’t think she’d ever get warm again, yet she sat by the hour in the chilly weather.
I’m punishing myself for my own part in this fiasco. Maybe, I’ll be lucky and freeze to death.
“Something hot for you.”
She hadn’t even heard Luisa come out.
The woman pressed a cup of hot chocolate into her hands. “You should come inside, though.”
Tara shook her head. “I’m fine. Really.” But she wasn’t, and they all knew it.
Jake tiptoed around her when he was home. He never brought up Cole’s name,
never asked a question and stayed out of her way except for meals, taking his cue from his wife.
“Is she okay?” Tara overheard him ask Lindsey in a low voice. “She hardly says a word.”
“She needs to work this out herself,” Lindsey whispered back. “She’ll talk when she’s ready. I’ll make sure of it.”
They all left her pretty much alone, watching her wrestle with her feelings. And she said little as she kept to herself. She responded politely when spoken to, but other than that, she said nothing.
After dinner one night near the end of the week, when Jake and Lindsey were sitting in front of the fire and Luisa was getting Jason and Molly ready for bed, Tara pulled on her jacket and went out on the porch again. She’d reached a point at which she could go no further. Her mind was paralyzed with the necessity to make some decisions, but she couldn’t focus on what they should be.
In a minute, Emilio came out and sat down in the other rocker. He rocked silently with her for a minute before he started to speak. “You know, Tara, life is full of challenges. Every day, we make decisions that affect us and the people around us. We just hope for the best. My parents lived in a little town in Mexico I’m sure you’ve never heard of. We were dirt poor, scrabbling out a living. There were seven of us kids to support. We all worked from the minute we were old enough, but our parents still insisted we all go to school and to church every Sunday.
“They loved each other very much. They just weren’t very good at saying the words. But we saw it in the way they treated each other and the love they passed along to us.” He stopped for a minute, as if gathering his thoughts. “One time, something happened between them. None of us knew what it was, but we heard angry words, long into the night. Then my father stomped out of the house, slamming doors on the way.
“In the morning, when he came back, they acted as if nothing had happened, but we all knew. We never found out what caused the argument, only that it was so bad my mother stopped speaking to him. All those good years together down the drain.
“After that they might as well have been two strangers under the same roof. No matter what he did, she turned him away. You could look into her eyes and see that, whatever it was, it had bruised her soul.
“Then one day, my father came down with the flu, and, bang, just like that he was gone. My mother mourned every minute, not just for his death but also for what she’d wasted by never healing the breach between them. She died a year later. We always believed it was because her heart was broken. Don’t let your heart break, Tara. Cole is a good man. I don’t know the whole story here, and I don’t want to. But if you don’t deal with it, you’ll never get past it, your life will be gone and maybe you’ll have missed something very important.”
He stood up, went to her rocker and patted her shoulder.
His touch unlocked the floodgates. She began to cry in huge, rasping sobs, her body shuddering and her cries those of a wounded animal. Emilio just kept his arm on her shoulder and let her weep. She heard Jake come to the door and speak to Emilio, who waved him away.
Finally, when she was totally exhausted, when there were no more tears to cry, she wiped her eyes on her sleeve and sat back. “Emilio, I…”
“That’s okay, Tara.” He was a solid presence next to her. “I know.”
“Would you please ask Lindsey to come out here?” She sniffled and blinked her eyes. “I think I’m ready to talk now.”
“Why don’t you come inside, and I’ll chase Jake upstairs. Luisa and I are going to our own place next door, and he can keep an ear out for the kids. I don’t want either of you girls freezing to death in this chill.”
So that’s what she did. Jake went upstairs to make sure the kids didn’t wake up, and Tara sat with Lindsey by the fire, spilling all the wretched details. Molly. What happened the night of the wedding. And what she’d hoped for with the Thanksgiving holiday.
“So you see, it’s an impossible situation,” Tara finished, hardly able to look at her friend. “I want him, I love him, but we have so many problems lying between us now. I don’t know if we can ever face each other again. I don’t even know if I can trust him again.”
Lindsey put her hand on Tara’s arm. “I have to tell you something else that might be hard for you to hear. But you need to know this.”
“What? What is there that could make this any worse?”
Lindsey took one of Tara’s hands in both of hers. “Cole doesn’t exactly remember everything that happened that night.”
“What?” Tara felt shock zip through her body. “How can he not remember?”
“I think the alcohol might have had a little something to do with that. Anyway, I don’t want any details, that’s between you and Cole. But when the time comes, you can decide how to handle it.”
“My God, Lindsey. If he doesn’t remember if we actually made love, what does that say about the whole thing? How do I even deal with that?” Humiliation crawled over her.
I gave him my body, and he doesn’t even remember. We made love for the first time, and he doesn’t even know if we completed the act.
For a moment, Tara thought she would throw up.
“Tara, how you play this is up to you. But you’ve known Cole long enough to know he’s a good person.” Lindsey put a hand on her arm. “He’s just got his life twisted in a knot he can’t undo. What happened that night—him blowing up at you, what happened afterwards—is all part of that.”
“Why won’t he tell me what’s wrong?” Tara persisted.
“There are reasons why he didn’t, and he needs to tell you those himself. You need to let him explain everything to you.”
“I guess you’re right,” Tara said miserably.
“Well, then.” Lindsey let out a breath. “You have to know that he loves you.”
“What?” Tara’s head jerked up. “What did you say?”
“I said he’s desperately in love with you. We’ve all seen it coming for months, and he admitted as much when Jake asked him. Jake thinks Cole’s been in love with you since you came to work for them but was too stupid to recognize it.”
“Oh, Lindsey, I don’t think so,” Tara disagreed. “He married me because he thought I was the best candidate to pick up the pieces of his life.”
“Maybe he thought so in the beginning, but not now. That’s why he’s so busy beating himself up. He’s convinced he’s destroyed the one good thing in his life.”
Tara was stunned.
Lindsey was silent for a long moment. “This is a complicated situation. But I think he’s ready to be honest with you now, whatever the consequences. Just listen to him. Then you can decide what you want to do.”
“I guess I’m just nervous about facing him.” Tara twisted her fingers together. “I’m not sure I’ll even know how to act.”
“He’s scared, too,” Lindsey said. “Just talk to him and see what happens. Is that fair enough?”
Tara nodded slowly. “I guess so. I can’t hide from this forever. But can I just stay here for another day? I need to get myself ready for this.”
“Oh, honey, of course you can. You can stay here as long as you want to.”
“No, I think I’ll go home day after tomorrow. If you’ll ask Emilio to drive me, I’ll be ready by then.”
* * * *
For Cole, this was one of the worst periods in his life. The giant hangover he nursed only added to his misery. The first day at Sean’s, he could hardly look at either his brother or his partner.
“What I don’t understand,” Sean told him, “is how you thought this kind of marriage could work in the first place. It’s the most ridiculous setup I’ve ever seen, and I told you so. It caused all kinds of complications and look what happened.”
How could he explain it when he still didn’t understand it himself? Somehow, he’d been stupid enough to think he and Tara could just transfer their working relationship from the office to the house. He certainly hadn’t planned on falling in love with her.
“Just so you know,” Sean told him, “I’m hiding the liquor.”
“Don’t worry,” Cole muttered. “I don’t think I’ll ever drink again.”
After that, Sean kept him busy every minute, never letting him out of his sight. They worked out in the health club on the top floor and swam in the pool. They drove to Brackenridge Park and jogged until Cole’s legs threatened to collapse with the strain. When his muscles wouldn’t respond any more, he lay on the bench in the steam room trying to sweat away the remnants of his disgust with himself.
Thank God, Jake was minding the store because business was the last thing he was thinking about. He called his partner several times a day to check on Tara, knowing Lindsey had taken her to the ranch. He was desperate to see how she was.
“Mind your own business,” Jake told him. “You’ll get a report when there’s something to tell.”
Anguish and misery were Cole’s constant companions. At night, he lay in the bed in Sean’s guest room, sleep eluding him, thinking of Tara and how she had changed his life. Unbidden, images came to his mind of her and Molly. Looking at them, at the obvious bond between them, no one would have doubted she was Tara’s biological child.
He saw himself standing on the outside, locked out by his own anger and withdrawal, and his heart ached worse than his body did. His entire world had turned gray, and he had no one to blame but himself for washing away all the color she had brought into his life.
By the middle of the following week, he was able to concentrate enough to do some work from the apartment. Jake brought him project files and reports, as well as his laptop and cell phone. And by Friday, he felt ready to face his problems.
“I think I’m ready to enter the world of the living again,” he told Sean, “but I’m not sure I know how to face Tara. Jesus, what do I do next? Look at me, the man who can do anything and I don’t know how to fix my life.”
“Everyone makes mistake,” Sean pointed out, “but I think you’ve used up all the ones you’re allowed. Come on. Let’s hit the gym then we’ll talk.”
After their morning workout, while Sean was still in the shower, Cole fixed a late breakfast for the two of them, the one meal he was good at.
