Tears trickled down her cheeks. Not from sadness. She couldn’t even describe what the emotion was, but it overwhelmed her.
‘Oh Jess … hush … hush … It’s all right. I’m here.’
Nonsense words, but immediately she found her calm place again. He was there. Right there. The feeling new and piquant, not yet arousing, but huge with the promise of it. The solid presence of his cock inside her was a grounding somehow, stopping her from flying away in all sorts of mad panic and speculation about what might have been, how things could have been different.
Running her hands down his back and over his buttocks, she embraced him. His body felt strong and fine and warm. She didn’t love him, and he didn’t love her, but he’d been right. He was a good choice for her first man.
As her hands strayed to his bottom again, he made a rough, low sound and pressed his face against her shoulder. God, he was so excited, but he was clearly holding back for her, keeping still, letting her know him rather than rushing ahead.
‘You should probably move,’ she whispered. ‘I … I’m not sure I’ll be able to come. Not this first time … it’s a bit too new for me. But you should.’ She cupped the cheeks of his behind, urging him. ‘You should come. You should enjoy it. I’ll just enjoy the fact that you’re enjoying it.’
Ellis lifted himself up a little, then looked down into her face. He looked thunderstruck almost, and his ocean-dark eyes were suspiciously shiny. ‘You really are the most astonishing woman, Jess. You’re completely amazing, you know that.’ His jaw worked for a moment, as if he were containing great emotion, then he plunged forward, kissing her again, and starting to work his hips.
It still felt odd, a bit uncomfortable, but the real pain had gone, or at least backed down a notch or two, buried in the sensation of him sliding to and fro, filling her, then retreating, filling her, then retreating. Jess tightened her hold on him; he was her rock in a wild new physical world. It was impossible to quantify how she was feeling, but in and amongst the strangeness there was a quality of nurturing. There was something about him that wasn’t quite the all-conquering hero, and she sensed that it confused him, and that it wasn’t his usual experience … and she wanted to make him feel better, just as he was trying to make things as good as he could for her.
‘Don’t hold back,’ she urged again, rising to his thrusts as a little thread of pleasure made its presence known amongst the twinges of soreness. Could she get there? Probably not. It was all too momentous. But she saw in that moment how the next time could be. And the next …
Not speaking, Ellis moved more urgently, sliding a hand beneath her, cupping her buttocks, tilting her so he could get in deep. His breathing quickened to ragged gasps, and the way he plunged gathered momentum, his hips bucking hard.
Buffeted, she clung on tight. He was fierce, but she sensed he didn’t want to be, that he was still trying for self-control. In a moment of instinct she gripped his bottom harder, her fingertips exerting pressure on the slopes of his cleft.
‘Oh God … Oh God.’
That was it. The tipping point. Almost growling, Ellis went rigid in her arms, then powered into her in one, two, three … a succession of primal shoves. When he stilled again, in far deeper than she’d thought would be possible, she imagined she felt a ripple deep inside her. Not her own body, but his, semen pulsing in the condom.
Again the ghost of pleasure stirred, perhaps from that more profound intimacy, but it just wasn’t close enough, not without grinding herself against him, and she didn’t want to do that. She didn’t want to change anything about the moment.
And despite the intimacy, she had an uncanny sense that somehow, he wasn’t quite with her.
The return to rational thought was almost painful, full of confusion.
What’s the matter with me? I’ve just fucked the most lovely woman. A beautiful, wonderful generous woman who’s given me something rare and precious as well as the most astounding pleasure. Why do I feel as if I want to sob like a baby?
It was because of Julie, the presence that never went away. The wife he still loved. She’d been a virgin on their first night together, and Ellis had been with no other virgin before or since … until now.
I’ve betrayed her.
The thought didn’t make sense, and he could almost hear his late wife laughing fondly at him, and telling him not to be idiotic because she wanted him to be happy again and take pleasure in sex, because it was natural and good.
But still he felt the guilt. Not just over Julie, but over Jess too, because he was also betraying her, by thinking of another woman even while he was still inside her.
No more though. He’d taken what she’d freely given him, and now it behoved him to give to her in return. Even in the madness of his own orgasm, he’d been well aware that she hadn’t shared it with him.
Not to mention the fact that he was still sprawled on top of her, flaked out, and he was probably crushing her.
‘Are you all right, Jess?’ he asked, levering himself off her. God, his voice sounded weird, as if he’d just been turned and tumbled inside an industrial rock-breaker.
‘Yes … I’m okay. I’m fine.’ Her voice sounded feathery though, as if indeed she’d been struggling to breathe while he’d lain on her.
‘But you didn’t come, sweetheart.’ Hauling in a breath himself, to clear his head, he came up on his elbow and looked down upon her. She was lying with her eyes closed, her limbs spread akimbo on the bed, her lips parted, chest lifting.
Oh God, she looked divine. A primal rogue male urge powered through him. His post-coital tristesse was speeding away now, and hell, he was Mr Sex again. If he hadn’t just come a few moments ago … The spirit was already aroused, even if the flesh needed a minute or two to recover.
You’re disgusting, McKenna.
And yet the natural urge soothed him. It was healthy. It was good. And ignoring it and wracking himself with guilt certainly wasn’t. No amount of breast-beating, hair-tearing and sackcloth wearing would bring Julie and Annie and Lily back, and they’d have been the first ones to remind him of that fact.
Jess was the one who mattered here and now. He laid his fingers lightly over her lips, blocking in the words, It’s all right. I don’t need to come.
‘Before you say it … I think you do need to come, darling.’ He leant forward and kissed her lips. ‘You were getting there, weren’t you? Despite having your virginity stolen from you by a ravaging horny beast.’ He kissed her again, feeling himself on surer ground, sexual playfulness. ‘You’re a natural sensualist, Jess. I can tell. And if you’ll let me, I’ll give you another orgasm to prove it.’
Her eyes snapped open, and what he saw in them made him want to cheer. She was right there with him. Her expression became sultry and she licked her lower lip.
‘If you must,’ she said … in the arch and husky tones of a practised seductress.
‘I must!’ he countered, sliding his fingers into the heat and silky wetness of her sex.
Jess knew she was right. He had gone away from her somehow in the moments after his climax. But in the moment after that, he’d come right back, and focused solely on her well-being. Slowly and sweetly, he’d coaxed her into another orgasm … and another. Even when she’d wanted to stop him because she’d caught sight of a little blood smeared on his fingertips.
Now, in the aftermath, while she waited for Ellis to emerge from the bathroom, she could only think of the leaving. She didn’t want him to leave, but she knew he would. This was no tender dawn of a new relationship between two fated lovers. Nothing with a future. He’d had that before with the wife he’d adored and lost.
When he reappeared, he’d climb into his clothes and he’d be gone. In all likelihood she’d never see him again. Unable to watch him go, she rolled over in bed, facing the wall, and pretended to sleep. He could let himself out, slip the key through the letterbox and hi ho Silver, away!
The door opened quietly, and she tensed so hard that
every muscle ached, including the ones that had seemed to receive their first ever workout tonight. Her body felt odd, bits of her vaguely displaced, as if when Ellis had withdrawn he’d somehow left a ghost behind.
Don’t be daft. Now just stay still. Let him go graciously. Don’t be whiny and clingy.
Footsteps padded across the room, and then, to her astonishment, she felt colder air on her back as Ellis lifted the covers and climbed into bed beside her, moving up against her. He was wearing his jersey boxer briefs, and he wasn’t erect, but he was in bed with her.
‘Um … what are you doing?’ she asked in a small voice, irrationally feeling that if she spoke too loud she might spook him and he’d jump out of bed again.
‘I thought I’d stay for a while,’ he said, draping an arm companionably along her flank. ‘It seems a bit callous to shag and run. Especially when you’re new to all this. I thought you might like a bit of company until you go to sleep … unless you’d prefer me to clear off, that is?’
No!
‘No, it’s all right. Do stay. I’d like that.’
‘Good. I feel a bit sleepy. I always do after good sex.’ He adjusted his position in the bed, giving the pillow at his side a bit of a punch. ‘I’ll slip away before dawn though. Don’t want to embarrass you with your house-mate.’
‘She’ll see the strange car. She’ll know there’s someone here.’
‘You don’t think she’ll mind, do you?’ His body was so warm against her, and glorious. Not in a sexual way now, although she knew it wouldn’t take much to stir that. Just companionable. Something she realised she’d yearned for, and hoped for, just as much she’d anticipated losing her virginity.
‘No. Not at all. She’ll probably be thrilled that I’ve finally brought a man home.’
‘Does she know you were a virgin?’ Jess could sense curiosity in him, and she wasn’t surprised. She had been a phenomenon, a rarity, hanging on to her hymen quite so long.
‘We’ve never discussed it, but I’m sure she’s suspected it.’ A blush rose in her cheeks, just at the thought.
‘Will you tell her?’
‘I really don’t know. I’ll see. I’ll see if she asks about the car tomorrow.’
There was something about Ellis’s strangely non-threatening presence that soothed her though. She’d face Cathy when she had to face her. Now, Jess realised that she was tired, dog tired, despite everything. She wanted to sleep, and maybe just pretend for a while that Ellis was Mr Right, here with her. It was nonsense of course, and she knew she must be ultra-careful not to let her mind and her heart go that way. He might be staying for a little while, but he would go soon. And go for good.
Glad of her weariness, and surrendering to it, and to the heat of Ellis’s body against her, she pushed away the bitter pang that thought provoked.
11
Rising out of sleep, Jess suddenly jolted awake, dislocated somewhere between fantasy and reality.
Oh my God. Ellis. Oh my God. I … we … had sex. I’m not a virgin any more.
He wasn’t lying beside her any more either. He was sitting on the edge of the bed, fastening his shirt. Even though she’d barely moved, he turned to her, as if aware that she was fully awake now.
‘I think it’s time for me to go now. It’s half past five. I heard your friend come home a little while ago, but she’s retired to her room. Best that I go now and avoid making any awkwardness for you.’
Did he have to? Good grief, Jess wanted the awkwardness. Suddenly she was wide awake and she wanted to show this gorgeous man off. She wanted Cathy to know that the days of her house-mate being a virgin who couldn’t find a man to fuck her were now officially over. She’d found a prime specimen, even if that man was just a one night stand and not Mr Right.
‘Would you like a cup of tea or coffee before you go? It won’t take a moment to make some and I could do with a cuppa myself.’
Ellis frowned. Oh hell, he must be used to needy women trying to cling to him. She’d probably just committed a cardinal sin, but perhaps it was just as well. There’d have to be a clean break and he was all the more likely to speed away now, to get out of her pathetic coffee-offering clutches.
So, don’t clutch, Jess. Coffee is just coffee. Say goodbye, no fuss, no drama. Accept you had a beautiful initiation, and always remember Ellis as a glorious one-off, never to be repeated.
‘Sure, coffee would be good. I’d love some.’ He gave her a crooked little grin. ‘We’ll have to be quiet as mice though, so as not to wake your friend up.’
‘Don’t worry, she’s a very sound sleeper.’ Jess fished around for her robe. She couldn’t see it, but an instant later, Ellis had retrieved it and was draping it around her shoulders. Close, he seemed about to kiss her, but Jess knew that would be fatal to her peace of mind, so she shot out of bed and out of his reach, provoking another of his frowns.
‘I’ll let you finish getting dressed, while I make the coffee.’ Not trusting herself to look at him, even though there was nothing she wanted more in the world – almost – than to feast her eyes on him, she beat a stealthy retreat and headed downstairs to the kitchen.
It took her just a few moments to make coffee, the best instant. Cradling hers, she sat down at the kitchen table, staring around at the room that looked so normal, even at dawn, so completely the same as ever, when she’d changed so much.
All the years of waiting, wondering, saving herself, wondering whether she was an idiot for saving herself … all over now. And with a man she might never see again. What to do now, that was the question?
Actual sex hadn’t been stupendous, but it hadn’t been awful, and the other bits had been so out of this world that she was sure that actual sex would be equally as gorgeous when she got the hang of it. Frowning, Jess took a sip of her strong coffee, relishing its power.
But what if the out of this world bits – the foreplay – are only out of this world with Ellis?
Now there was a question. One she hardly dare contemplate. What if Mr Right and Mr Sex could never actually be combined into one man? Maybe it didn’t matter if you loved Mr Right enough?
‘Why such a stony frown?’ Ellis’s voice was low, out of respect for Cathy, as he sidled into the room and slipped into the seat opposite Jess. He sipped his coffee immediately, letting out a soft sigh of satisfaction. Obviously he wasn’t a purist and liked instant as well as freshly ground.
‘Just mulling over some issues.’ No use getting into it with him now, or revealing anything that could be construed as trying to cling on to him.
‘Issues concerning me, and what we did last night?’
Bugger!
She hardly dare look at him, yet at the same time, she couldn’t stop. He was dressed now, apart from his jacket that he’d slung over the back of the chair, but his dark hair was still a bit wild. It was easy to imagine the naked form she’d seen last night, and which she’d slept snuggled up against. How was it possible that she’d been to bed with such an unimaginably fabulous man?
Oh God, I want him again. Am I a sex maniac, who just didn’t realise it?
This was crazy. She needed to stop ogling him, and just send him away. But all she could think about was going back to bed with him again, which she knew in her heart and her gut would be better than ever this time, even the actual fucking.
‘Yes, a bit. It was a big thing … It is for any woman.’ The moment after she’d said it, she realised … and started giggling. Apparently she’d got a juvenile dirty mind too.
Ellis smirked. ‘Why, thank you, I’m flattered.’ His handsome face straightened, became more serious. ‘But I know what you really meant. And you’re right.’ Cradling his mug, he stared into it for a moment. ‘I know the actual act wasn’t quite perfect … but you enjoyed the other stuff, I can tell.’ His eyes flashed. ‘And we can work on the main event next time, eh?’
Oh … Oh God, the temptation.
‘I did enjoy the other stuff. And the act itself … in a way.�
� No use denying it. ‘But I don’t really think there should be a next time. I mean … You’re you, and I’m me. You won’t be around here much longer, and as you’re so utterly irresistible it’s not a good idea for me to get addicted to you, is it?’
Ellis laughed softly. ‘You won’t get addicted. You’re far too sensible. But I do think you ought to take advantage of me.’
‘How do you mean?’
He took her mug from her hand and set it aside, then clasped both her hands in his.
‘I’ve got a proposition for you, Jess. What I think is a sensible, logical arrangement for both of us. It’s temporary, but we both get benefits.’ His eyes were bright, full of that peculiar blend of mischief and faint melancholy she was beginning to become familiar with.
‘Go on.’ No harm in hearing him out, even if she was pretty sure it wasn’t anything she could accept.
‘I don’t do commitment, and “long term”, as you’ll have gathered. I had the perfect committed relationship once, but I lost it. I’ll never have that again, and I accept that.’ For a moment, his whole face went hard, and Jess wanted to fling herself around to his side of the table and hug him, in an attempt to soften the obvious pain he felt. ‘But I do like sex, and … well, seductions, “liaisons”, call them what you will. I like those a lot.’
His eyes narrowed, and Jess realised she must have betrayed something in her face. Puzzlement, perhaps disapproval? Although she wasn’t sure quite what it was that she felt. If she’d had, and lost, what he’d had, she wasn’t sure how she’d conduct herself afterwards, so she couldn’t judge him.
‘Sex isn’t a betrayal of her memory,’ he said, his voice low. ‘It’s not the deepest core of what we had …’ He hesitated again, pursing his lips, his fight against revealing himself too much very obvious. ‘Julie and I had fabulous sex, but it wasn’t everything. Love was everything … is everything.’
‘And that would be a betrayal.’ It had to be said, and though Ellis didn’t visibly flinch, Jess felt it.
How to Seduce a Billionaire Page 11
